Finding Karma

by Stacy M Wray

And wait.

  And wait.

  But he just stares at me.

  “Aren’t you going to rail on me for putting all of my eggs in Braden’s basket?” He arches his eyebrows like he can’t believe I just said that and I turn ten shades of red. “Okay, bad choice of words but you know what I meant.”

  He chuckles and says, “I don’t need to say anything – you’re thinking the same thing.”

  Needing to change the subject, I ask, “So what are your plans this summer?”

  He leans forward in his chair, like he’s in deep thought and says, “I think I want to go on a long and mindless road trip.”

  He looks so pleased with his decision, like he just now thought of the idea.

  “Um…where to?”

  Thinking more, he says, “Wherever.”

  “Kind of like Jack Kerouac?” I’ve never read the book but I’m familiar with the story, having worked in my mom’s bookstore.

  He snaps his fingers and says, “Exactly!”

  I’m thinking how packing up and taking off with no agenda outdoes my summer plans. Things have been a little prickly between Braden and me since he divulged his unwanted news. Now I understand why he withheld it – I’m clearly still pissed. But I’m not about to admit that to him. It was still so wrong of him to keep it from me.

  “By yourself?” I’m wondering if he’s just messing with me – he does that a lot.

  He looks at me deliberately. “You wanna come?”

  A surge of energy runs through my body from the quick invitation. Surely he’s kidding. “You aren’t seriously going to do that, are you?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe.”

  Jeremy’s phone vibrates in his back pocket and he pulls it out. After tapping his screen, he laughs at something someone sent him. I’ve never met someone who is so comfortable in their own skin – I almost admire him.

  * * *

  It’s the weekend before graduation, and I can’t get Jeremy’s words out of my head. They keep poking me and prodding me and, dammit, I want to do something with his invite. Was he serious?

  Jeremy’s always telling me that I live in Braden’s shadow, that one day I’ll wake up and stare in the mirror and wonder who in the hell is staring back at me. He’s right – I’ve felt like that for the past year now – through no fault of Braden’s – and all of my decisions have been made for me. I’m only known as ‘Braden’s girlfriend’ or better yet, I’m nobody.

  When did I lose myself?

  I’m feeling suffocated – like if I don’t make my own decision about something soon, I will fade away. Okay, maybe I’m being melodramatic, but I need to do something for me. If Braden’s summer doesn’t include me then I’m going to have to make my own plans; I refuse to sit around bored all summer.

  Monday at school I’m filled with adrenaline, waiting for Jeremy to get to class. My knee bounces like it’s an Olympic sport, and I can’t stand the waiting.

  Then he enters.

  He takes his seat beside me.

  He looks at me weird.

  “What’s up with you?” He shakes his head in amusement.

  Before I give myself a chance to say anything else, I blurt out, “I want to go.”

  He scrunches up his eyebrows. “Go where?”

  A slow smile spreads across my face, and I think he knows what I mean before I even say the words. “Let’s go on a mindless road trip.”

  I have never seen a better smile appear on Jeremy Weaver’s face, but it disappears just as quickly. “I’m more than ready to do this, Hippie Girl, but have you passed this by anyone besides yourself?”

  My face drops. “What do you mean?”

  “Are your parents going to let you go traipsing across the United States with someone they’ve never met?”

  “Hello? My parents named me Karma. Remember? They will thrive on me having a ‘great life experience.’”

  “And what about Golden Boy? You think he’ll mind you going on a road trip with another guy?” He looks at me like he wished I hadn’t got his hopes up. “Don’t be naive, Karma, there’s no way he’s going to go for it.”

  Before I lose my nerve, I say, “It’s my decision and I will talk to Braden – make him understand that it’s nothing more than what it is.”

  He holds his hand out and nods to my phone. I give it to him and he says, “I’m giving you my number because who knows how long it will take before you get an answer – hell, we’ll probably already have graduated by the time you do.” He hands it back and smiles. “Just in case…”

  I smile back because I know I’m going with him.

  Suddenly, I’m not so sad about the summer.

  chapter seventeen

  June 2013

  Could this week get any more shitty?

  After reading Braden’s email, I reach for my phone in a near panic.

  “Hey,” he says. “I figured you’d call. I take it you read my email.”

  Really? That’s all he has to say after just turning my world upside down?

  “What’s going on, Braden? Are you trying to tell me that all my hard work has been for nothing?”

  His email stated that the Spectra campaign had been placed on indefinite hold. One of the financial backers – and a huge one at that – pulled out, leaving them in a bind and unable to complete the job.

  “No, Karma, not at all. Look, I’ve been in this business long enough to know this happens on occasion, and it’s nothing to be alarmed about. Spectra will find another backer, but it might take some time.”

  “What does this mean for me, Braden?” This was the biggest job I’ve had to date, and I’m counting on it not only for my resume, but to build up my savings. It’s not easy to make it in this business, and I need to have a rather large cushion to feel comfortable.

  “It means you’ve got some time to edit, maybe take on some more jobs.”

  I’m not really hurting for money, having quite a bit socked away. I just like to be careful. So I listen to Braden since he doesn’t seem to have any uncertainty in his voice. I guess there’s nothing else I can do at this point but trust him.

  “Look, Karma…about the other night.” There’s a long pause on the line.

  I cringe while the scenario runs through my head, not wanting to go there. “It’s fine, Braden. It’s done. Let’s just move on.” Then, quickly add, “But I’m still pissed.”

  I hear someone in close proximity tell Braden that his next appointment is waiting for him, and I’m relieved at the intrusion. A frustrated sigh escapes him as the silence bounces between our phones. Finally, he says, “I’ve got a meeting. I’ll keep you posted on Spectra but try not to worry – it’ll be fine.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  And just when I’m about to end the call, he says, “And Karma?” The way he says my name unleashes a slew of memories, ones better left alone. “It’s not done…not by a long shot.”

  And the call drops.

  His words settle over me like a scratchy wool blanket, comforting yet annoying.

  Maybe it’s a good thing we’ll have a break from the Spectra campaign. Maybe distancing myself from him will help put things into perspective. I’m not sure how I feel about the way he continues to chip away at my hardened heart, one small chunk at a time.

  Frustrated, I throw myself dramatically on the plush cushions of Jada’s couch, sinking into the microfiber fabric. My mom’s words pop into my head from our conversation the other day. Maybe a trip home is just what you need.

  I’ve not seen my parents for several months. And Jeremy – I could use a little of his cut-the-crap philosophy, not to mention some smog-free air to unclutter my brain.

  Sitting up, I yank my laptop from the coffee table.

  It’s time for a trip just east.

  * * *

  The view from the plastic, cloudy microscopic window of the plane brings nothing but wispy, scattered strands of clouds until we descend lower and lower. And there they are – peaks of mountains s
tand boldly, daring anyone to question their presence. Peace soars throughout my body, and I relax my stress-filled muscles as I leave behind their source. No pickaxes chiseling their way in. No ultimatums tossed around undeservedly. No bumper-to-bumper traffic. Just a cleansing short getaway to put things into perspective. To know I’m still in the driver’s seat and not merely a passenger.

  Smiling to myself, I know I made the right decision. Pulling myself from the view below, my eyes scatter throughout the cabin of the plane, wondering if anyone else feels as euphoric as me to be landing in Colorado.

  Once off the plane, I make my way to the rental car kiosk. No one knows I’m here since I was going for the element of surprise, so I can’t really ask someone to pick me up. Besides, it’s really early since I took a last-minute flight, and I consider stopping off for a bite to eat before I arrive home. I don’t want to wake my parents unnecessarily.

  After stopping off at my favorite bakery for a croissant and coffee, I drive through familiar surroundings as memories of Braden plague me – maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

  He’s everywhere.

  Ray’s diner. The donut shop on the corner. The park across from the high school. The El Mexicana. The coffee shop downtown.

  I could go on and on.

  The problem is – they’re all great memories. Well, maybe except for the coffee shop. It was the first time I had seen him after our horrible breakup. It was excruciatingly painful.

  I can’t help but think about him now – the Braden in his mid-twenties. Still so self-assured, always in control. Smooth. Hard to ruffle. Larger than life. But there’s also a quality about him now that I can’t quite put my finger on. Like his edges have been smoothed, his cockiness toned down. Humbled? I don’t know. Maybe.

  Then I have to remind my brain that I’m still pissed at him.

  Pulling into my neighborhood, I’m glad to see it hasn’t really changed. Mr. Lester’s mailbox still has the broken flag, pointing straight down facing the paved blacktop. Mr. and Mrs. Collins still claim the most pristine lawn. The Brown clan still have five cars parked outside their home, all three of their kids over the age of sixteen. I like it. The constant, unchanged snippets of my past bring me comfort.

  Parking my Nissan rental in the drive, I’m happy to see the front porch devoid of the morning paper, knowing what I’m about to walk in on. Dad at the breakfast bar, the news spread out before him. He claims online news-reading just isn’t the same. And Mom tooling around the kitchen. Either preparing breakfast or unloading the dishwasher from the night before. Perhaps even throwing in her morning ritual of laundry.

  It’s good to be home.

  I love catching up with my parents, snuggling with Doobie and just all around chilling. But I really can’t wait to see Jeremy. So I decide to bait him with a text.

  Me: I’m bored. What are you doing?

  It could take a while for him to answer me. He’s not one of those people who are married to their phones.

  My phone pings with a text as my brows rise in shock.

  Jeremy: I’m working, Karma. Some of us have a 9-5.

  I huff at his attempt to sound like a grown-up, patronizing me like I don’t have a real job.

  Me: I can’t help it if you have boring hours. Maybe you should try photography.

  Jeremy: Is there a point to these texts?

  I roll my eyes dramatically, wishing he were here to witness it.

  Me: I was going to wait and text you later but was afraid you might have a hot date.

  Jeremy: Sorry to disappoint.

  Me: So you’ll be available if I want to chat tonight?

  Jeremy: Sure. I should drag out of here by seven. Call me after that.

  Yes!

  Me: Okay. I will. Talk soon.

  Six forty-five has me sitting in the parking lot of Cauldner Beverage, a beer distribution center where Jeremy works as head IT guy. Almost true to his word, at seven-ten I watch him pass through the double glass doors and head to his car – which is parked three down from mine. I felt like such a stalker combing through the lot until I found it. I even peeked inside, noticing probably the same burger wrappers and cardboard cups still laying of the floorboard since the last time I was home.

  I hurry and get out of my car, hopping up on the hood, and relax my back against the windshield, crossing my legs at my feet. I notice that he’s fiddling on his phone, perhaps wondering if he missed my call. When he looks up…OMG – he literally freezes in his footsteps and stares at me with the biggest, goofiest grin I’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing on him. And I love it.

  “Jesus, Karma! What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” His pace picks up as I slide down the front of my car, squealing as soon as he picks me up, spinning us as he laughs like only Jeremy can.

  Man, did I need this.

  Holding me back, he says, “You look good, Hippie Girl. Cali agrees with you.”

  I beam at his words, so happy to be looking into those eyes. “Back at ya, except for the Cali part.”

  Shaking his head in disbelief, he says, “I sure do love your surprises.”

  I wink at him and say, “Come on. I’m taking you to dinner – wherever you want to go. Preferably somewhere with alcohol.”

  He laughs again. “Damn straight. How about Tony’s Brewhouse? I haven’t had a pub burger for a while.” He opens the passenger-side door, folding into my car.

  As I get in behind the wheel, I say, “Tony’s it is.”

  For the next hour, we eat greasy pub burgers and fries, and we’re on our third PBR before Jeremy finally admits he’s met someone.

  “What? You’ve waited all of this time to tell me something so important? Who is she? Where did you meet? Is it serious?”

  He takes a couple more drinks of his beer before he chuckles. “Whoa. Slow down, girl. One question at a time.”

  Shoving my plate aside, I exaggerate my slow motions, folding my hands in front of me on the somewhat sticky table. “Who is she?”

  “Her name is Rachael.”

  I smile. Pretty. “Where did you meet her?”

  He smiles back. “At work. She’s in sales at Cauldner’s.”

  Confusion clouds my face. “So why aren’t you introducing her in person?”

  Tilting his head, he answers, “She’s up in Castle Rock, trying to clench some business. Then she’s making her way up the state. Not sure when she’ll be back.”

  I cock an eyebrow at him. “Is it serious?”

  A shit-eating grin spreads across his face as he says, “If I have anything to say about it, it will be.”

  Oh my God! He’s so smitten.

  Reaching across the table, I grab his hand and squeeze it. “I’m so happy for you, Jeremy. I know how picky you are.”

  He huffs. “And for good reason.”

  I then fill him in about Stella. She’s like a tornado, destroying everything in her path on the way to the top. And she’s just getting started.

  She landed a job as a communications coordinator here in Colorado, basically working out of Denver. But I know it’s just a matter of time before she moves to DC – her sole passion is to be the eye of the storm, stirring things up at a level unbeknownst to me.

  Standing abruptly, Jeremy says, “I’m going to the men’s room. Be back.” He disappears around the corner and down a hall.

  My mind returns to Rachael. She better be worthy of him. He’s one of the best people I know. It’s funny how people always thought Jeremy and I would end up together. But it’s never been like that with us. Sure, there was that one time when I stupidly kissed him when he came out for a visit at the end of freshman year my first year in college. I cringe at the memory. I hadn’t thought about it in such a long time.

  I had just parked outside of my dorm building as Jeremy got out and looked around. “I can see why you love it here so much,” he said, tilting his head toward the campus.

  “I know. Isn’t it great?” He
followed me up the path, and I used my card to buzz us in. “Come on,” I told him. “I can’t wait for you to meet Blair.”

  He followed me up the stairwell, hoisting his bag over his shoulder. “Is she hot?”

  I shook my head in exasperation and said, “Yes, she is – but you’re not tapping that, Jeremy. She’s my roommate.”

  He chuckled behind me, and I knew he was just messing with me.

  When we entered the room, Blair was sitting at her computer desk and turned when she heard us. I watched her eyes scan Jeremy from head to toe. “So you’re the infamous Jeremy?” She got up and held her hand out. “So nice to put a face to the name,” she said. Which I thought was totally weird since there was a picture of us on my bulletin board.

  Jeremy took her hand. “She talks about me that much? I’m touched.”

  Without missing a beat, she said, “Um, Karma? You forgot to mention how hot your friend is.” Her words were delivered without ever taking her eyes off of him.

  Again – he was on my bulletin board.

  He winked at her and, all of a sudden, I felt invisible, my stomach clenching with unease.

  Trying to remind them of my presence as they continued to eye-fuck each other, I said, “So what do you guys want to do about dinner? I’m getting hungry.”

  Blair spoke up. “Let’s take him to the Thai place we love so much, Karma.” She turned to Jeremy. “You like Thai?”

  “Sure.”

  She grabbed her purse, pushing him out the door. “You’re going to love this place,” she said. “They’ve got the spiciest food.”

  Jeremy stopped and waited for me. “You coming, Hippie Girl?”

  Picking my purse up from the chair, I nodded, walking past him, and we all three made our way down to the parking lot.

  I announced that I’d drive and we climbed into my car, with Jeremy getting in the back seat. It only took about ten minutes to get there, while Blair asked Jeremy many questions about himself, and he gave her one-word answers. She looked over at me, and I just shrugged. I think she thought he was being rude, but that’s just Jeremy.

  The situation became more comfortable during dinner since Jeremy picked up on the fact I felt like a third wheel, and he backed off from the blatant flirting taking place. Unfortunately, Blair hadn’t picked up on his cue.