Finding Karma

by Stacy M Wray

  After dinner, Blair told us she had plans with friends, and I hate that I felt relieved.

  Jeremy and I walked all around campus in the dark, and I pointed out things to him. Sitting under a huge tree overlooking a small pond, he asked, “You still glad you came here?”

  “Absolutely. It’s been a great year. I’ve learned far more than I dreamed I ever would. Next year I’ll be eligible to apply for internships and I can’t wait. They don’t give out too many to sophomores, but it could still happen.”

  He grinned at me. “I’m glad you don’t regret it.”

  Shaking my head, I said, “Never.”

  We ended up back in our room before Blair got back but I wasn’t surprised. She liked to party and have a good time. I didn’t fault her – I kind of envied her sometimes…to be so carefree and not have any hang-ups.

  Jeremy’s tired from traveling so we went to bed. I gave him a pillow and a comforter to lie on and a sheet to cover him. “Don’t keep me up with your snoring, Hippie Girl. I need my rest.”

  I hit him with my pillow. “I don’t snore, Jeremy. You lie. I asked Stella and she said you’re full of shit.”

  He chuckled in the dark. “Whatever.”

  I could tell when he was asleep by the steady sounds of his breathing. I lay awake staring at the ceiling, sleep wouldn’t come as easily for me.

  I was still awake when I heard Blair stumble in. I could tell she’d been drinking because one: I could smell the fumes, and two: she wasn’t steady on her feet.

  She took off her clothes in front of her bed, and I sat up and whispered, “Blair! Did you forget Jeremy’s on the floor?”

  She giggled and said in a drunken whisper, which wasn’t a whisper at all, “He’s asleep – it doesn’t matter,” as she stood there in nothing except her panties. I was sure Jeremy was no longer asleep. And if he wasn’t, he was getting quite an eyeful.

  She stood facing us much longer than she needed to.

  Irritated, I said, “Just get in bed.”

  She drunk saluted me and stumbled into her bed, not caring that her breasts were still on full display. I had never seen that side of her – she always wore pajamas to bed, and I couldn’t help but think she was putting on a show for Jeremy.

  I couldn’t figure out why it was pissing me off so much, and I rolled over, trying to get over the fact Jeremy would wake up to her half naked and love every second.

  When I awoke the next morning, I noticed Blair had her naked back to us, and I quickly got up to pull her covers up even further.

  “Don’t waste your efforts, Hippie Girl. I already saw everything.”

  I cringed at those words, turning around, and glared at him.

  He sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Don’t get mad at me. She’s the one who wanted to show off her tits.”

  “Shut up,” I told him. “I don’t want to hear about it.”

  He got up and grabbed a change of clothes, heading to the bathroom without saying another word. I sat on my bed and waited for him to be done because I had to pee.

  I heard him in the shower and knew that I had to go down the hall to the other bathroom. I slipped out and returned while he was still in there. Grabbing my laptop, I checked to see if my final grades had been posted for my classes.

  Jeremy came out of the bathroom looking and smelling fantastic – I hated that guys can do that in so little time.

  He sat on the bed beside me. “You mad at me?”

  “No,” I said, still studying my computer screen.

  “Okay. I’m going out for coffees. Point me in the right direction.”

  I explained where the best ones were, sending him a little further away than necessary so I could try and get Blair up and dressed.

  “See you in a bit,” he said, as he quietly shut the door behind him.

  I moved to Blair’s bed, attempting to wake her. It was no use – she was out cold. I then picked up her shirt from the floor and dressed her while she was asleep, which was almost comical. Pleased with my efforts, I took my shower.

  I was finished and dressed before Jeremy made it back. He lightly tapped on the door and I let him in. Setting the coffees down on my desk, he handed me mine and placed Blair’s on her desk. I saw him glance at her, trying to hide his smile when he realized that I’d put a shirt on her.

  He held his hand out to me and said, “Come on – let’s go have some breakfast.” I smiled at him, already putting my purse over my neck, and we grabbed our coffees and left.

  That simple gesture did not go unnoticed by me.

  We stayed out all day, going for a scenic drive around Santa Barbara. It reminded me so much of our trip last summer and how carefree I felt.

  We had a late lunch al fresco at a small bistro and then walked down one of the many beaches along the coast.

  The wind whipped all around us, and Jeremy looked at me. “This is the life. You’ve got a good gig out here.”

  I tried to answer him but my hair blew in my mouth. Jeremy stepped forward, pushing it back off of my face. I quickly gathered it and told him, “Thanks. And yes, I thought Colorado would be hard to top, but I love it here.”

  “Wish you were staying for the summer?” he asked, tilting his head to one side, trying to keep the glare of the sun out of his eyes.

  Shaking my head, I said, “No. I miss my parents, and I want to be with you and Stella.”

  He smiled, liking my answer I supposed, and when we’d had just about enough of the wind, he turned and said, “I could use a nap.”

  Rolling my eyes at him, we turned around and headed back to the car.

  Blair was out when we get back to the dorm, leaving no note. I told Jeremy he could nap on my bed since I wasn’t tired. By his heavy breathing, I could tell he was out immediately.

  Checking my grades online once more, I got anxious because all but one had been posted. All A’s with only one B. The grade I was most concerned about was still hanging, and it was driving me insane. I texted one of my classmates and he told me the grades were posted outside of our prof’s office. Shit!

  Since I could hardly stand it, I left Jeremy a note and told him I’d be right back. I walked to one of the furthest buildings away from my dorm and took the elevator to the third floor. My prof’s office was straight ahead, and I could see another classmate checking the paper.

  I smiled at her as I quickly scanned the sheet for the last four digits of my social security number. Yes! I got the ‘A’ I so desperately wanted because to be eligible for an internship your sophomore year, you needed an A in that class. I held my squeal inside and turned to head back to my dorm.

  When I opened the door, Blair quickly got off of my bed, straightening her top, looking guilty. Her lips were swollen, like they’d just been kissed like crazy, and her hair had that ‘just fucked’ look. I looked at Jeremy, who was still on my bed with his back propped up against the wall, and he said, “Did you find out your grade?”

  I cast my eyes toward Blair again but returned back to him and said, “Yep. And I got the A I was hoping for.”

  “That’s great, Karma. Look at you – kickin’ ass and taking names.” I looked at him and flashed him a forced smile, trying to block out of my mind what I thought happened in here while I was gone.

  We ordered a pizza for dinner. Blair was packing up her stuff since she was leaving for home first thing in the morning. I helped her pack while Jeremy downloaded a game on my computer and played it endlessly.

  It was a pretty chill evening and we watched a movie until around midnight when I noticed I was the only one still awake. I turned the TV off and climbed into bed.

  The next morning, Jeremy and I helped Blair load up her car. It had been a weird couple of days between Blair and me, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Shoving down the uncomfortable thoughts I was having, I gave her a huge hug, telling her to drive safe.

  She then walked to Jeremy, giving him a hug also. He looked majorly distressed when his eyes met mine.

>   After we had waved her off, we walked back to the dorm in silence. I just didn’t know what to think and if I should have confronted him. I was pretty pissed about the whole thing but decided not to say anything.

  I got a text from a friend telling me about a party that night. I looked at Jeremy, who was back to playing his computer game, and said, “You want to go to a party tonight?”

  He looked up from his game and said, “Do you?”

  I shrugged and said, “Only if you do.”

  He grinned. “Why not.”

  I guess we were going to a party.

  * * *

  I could count on one hand how many parties I’d been to that year, so I was a little out of my element. I stuck close to Jeremy. We found a keg set up in the kitchen and poured ourselves a beer. I didn’t know anyone here so it was weird.

  Jeremy struck a conversation with some random guy and, after my second beer, I had to use the bathroom. I nudged him and told him I’d be right back. He nodded and continued talking to the guy about racing some kind of car or something.

  On my way to the bathroom, I saw my friend who texted me about the party. He waved me over and said, “You’ve got to take a shot with me, Karma. We’re celebrating tonight.” He handed me a shot of tequila and stupid me tossed it back. Before I could say anything, he poured me another and said, “Bottoms up!” I tossed that back, too, shaking my head from the burn as it tore my throat up on the way down.

  I leaned into him and yelled, “I’m headed to the restroom.” I held up a finger, telling him I’d be right back, but I knew I wouldn’t.

  I finally found my way back to Jeremy, and he looked glad to see me, pulling me into his side. He smelled so good, and I slowly inhaled his scent, trying to figure out what it was exactly. I finally decided that it was just Jeremy.

  When he was finally finished talking to his new friend, he said, “You want another beer?” I nodded and he took my cup from me, walking to the keg. I watched him pump the keg, and I couldn’t help but notice how his muscles reacted to such a simple gesture, pulling his T-shirt taut over his bicep.

  Returning with my beer, I took pretty big drinks. Jeremy’s eyebrows arched in concern. “Slow down there, Hippie Girl. I’m not going to take it away.” I found this hilarious and laughed, unable to stop.

  Jeremy took my cup from me since I was spilling my drink and said, “Have you had anything besides beer tonight?”

  I tried to control my laughter, only nodding in reply. He said in a firm voice, “What did you have, Karma?”

  I held up two fingers, still trying to contain my laughter.

  “Two what?” I didn’t know why he was acting miffed. I should have been the one who was miffed about him sleeping with my roommate. How dare he? “Karma! Two what?”

  “Shots!” I called out.

  He looked at me, his patience wearing thin, and asked, “Do you drink much?” I shook my head in an exaggerated motion, and he sighed heavily. “I didn’t think so.” He sat his drink down and took me by the arm. “Come on, lightweight, party’s over.”

  As soon as we got outside, I grumbled, “Why are we leaving?”

  He grinned at me. “Because you weigh next to nothing, and you can’t hold your liquor.” He held out his hand, and I placed mine in it while he wrapped his fingers around mine. I smiled and stumbled along beside him. After about five minutes of this, Jeremy stopped and stepped in front of me, squatting down. “Jump on – I’d like to get home before the sun comes up.”

  “I can walk,” I told him, laughing as I said it.

  He looked over his shoulder. “Get on, Karma. I mean it.”

  Not liking he raised his voice, I put my hands on his shoulders, and I felt his strong hands grab onto the back of my thighs, hoisting me up in the air. “Hang on,” he told me, walking down the sidewalk.

  I laid my cheek against the back of his head. “I’m sorry, Jeremy.”

  “It’s fine, Karma. But you’ve got a lot to learn about drinking at a party. Don’t ever let anyone just hand you a drink. You’re too stupid not to realize what they can slip in it.”

  I huffed out, “I’m not stupid!”

  He snickered. “Well, most of the time you’re not. But tonight you were.” I said nothing because even though I’m drunk, I know he was probably right.

  Jeremy was out of breath by the time we made it back to my dorm. Plopping me on my bed, he moved to shut the door, peeling off his shirt and tossing it aside. I noticed a film of sweat covering his body.

  He noticed me looking at him and said, “What? It’s stinking hot as hell outside, not to mention carrying you on my back for blocks.”

  He opened the mini-fridge and grabbed two bottled waters, twisting the cap off of one, handing it to me. “Drink all of this slowly,” he said, and then sat down beside me, taking the cap off of his and guzzled it.

  He sat his bottle down and leaned back against the wall. When did he get to be so good looking? I never thought of Jeremy like that. I looked at him and wondered what it would be like to kiss him. What it would be like to feel those lips – the ones always spewing smartass comments at me – firmly attached to mine. My tongue slid out, licking my own lips, and I moved over to Jeremy, laying my hand on his firm chest and placed my mouth over his. He didn’t move at first but finally his lips caressed mine, but quickly stopped altogether.

  I moved back and looked at him, confused as to why he would stop.

  “What are you doing, Karma?”

  I heard the exasperation in his voice, and I wanted to shrink into the woodwork. And then I couldn’t answer him because I honestly didn’t know what to say…wasn’t it obvious what I was doing?

  “Does this have anything to do with Blair?” Did it? Yes. I thought he was right. I couldn’t stand the fact that they had sex in our room. But why did I care? I didn’t think of Jeremy in that way, did I?

  “Why would you ask that?” I was stalling, trying to make sense of my actions.

  He sighed and said, “Because you obviously think I screwed her and I didn’t.” He turned to look me in the eye. “Do you honestly think I would when you point blank asked me not to?”

  I was plain confused. It must have been written all over my drunk face since Jeremy continued his explanation. “I knew you thought we had sex when you walked in here yesterday and saw us. But let me assure you, she had just walked into the room from somewhere else looking the way she did. I didn’t touch her. Not from her lack of trying though. What the hell’s her deal anyway? I could smell sex all over her. Did she really think I would fuck her after just having been with another guy?”

  I hung my head, ashamed I thought that about him. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

  His eyes shut tight as he bumped his head against the wall in frustration. “So why the kiss?”

  I shrugged, feeling the tears at the back of my eyes. “I haven’t been kissed in so long…I guess I was just feeling lonely.”

  He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “Bullshit, Karma. You might be feeling lonely but don’t go using me to fill a void I can’t fill.” He sounded angry, and I regretted my actions more than ever. “I can never be that person, do you hear me? I can’t be him.”

  I silently nodded, tears cascading down the slopes of my cheeks. I knew they were drunk tears, at least that’s what I told myself. Suddenly, I missed Braden more than ever. This was the first time Jeremy had ever brought him up. I was so sick of missing him.

  Jeremy wiped the tears that fell from my chin. My eyes lifted to meet his. “I’m sorry, Jeremy. I shouldn’t have done that.” He simply nodded. “I never want to do anything to ruin our friendship – I count on it too much.”

  He pulled me to him and tucked me under his arm, my cheek pressed against his bare chest. But it was okay because I truly had no romantic feelings towards him – I just felt neglected and acted out like a stupid drunk girl. Once again, Jeremy called me on my shit.

  His voice was much calmer when he spo
ke again. “I hate you’re still hurting.” That made two of us. After several minutes had passed, he asked, “We okay?” I felt his breath bounce off my hair as I slowly nodded my head.

  “Yeah. Thanks for being straight with me – I needed to hear that,” I told him.

  “Well, that’s my job, Hippie Girl – keeping you in line.” I didn’t even have to look at him to know he was wearing that smirk on his face…I heard it in his voice.

  Jeremy now slides his chair out, casting me an inquisitive look, as he plops down. “What’s so funny?”

  Shaking my head slightly, I admit, “I was just thinking about the time you came to stay with me before we drove home for the summer. The whole thing with Blair? And that kiss.” I’ve never once brought it up to him, not really knowing why I am now.

  “Oh…that.” He chuckles before finishing the tail end of his beer. “Not one of your finer moments.”

  Rolling my eyes, I say, “Yeah. But it might’ve been for you though,” kicking him under the table.

  He winces at my foot making contact with his shin and attempts to change the subject. “So…how’s Golden Boy?”

  chapter eighteen

  May 2008

  I awake to my mom gently shaking me, telling me it’s three o’clock. It finally registers why she’s waking me in the middle of the day.

  “Hey, happy birthday. Did you have a good time with Braden?”

  After graduation last night, he took me to the Garden of the Gods. We spent the whole night talking until the early hours of the morning, staying long enough to capture the most amazing sunrise.

  “Yes,” I tell her, attempting to erase the cobwebs from my mind. “He makes everything so special.”

  She pulls a present from up off the floor and says, “Here. Open it.”

  I love presents and have the wrapping paper off quickly. My eyes go wide – it’s a new digital camera…and it’s freaking awesome.

  “We thought you’d like to have it for your road trip so you can capture every moment.”