Finding Karma

by Stacy M Wray

  The waitress comes over and sets down chips and salsa and Braden thanks her.

  “Look, I need to bring something up but I shouldn’t have to…” he doesn’t finish his sentence.

  His tone makes me nervous and I ask, “What?”

  “You’ll have your own room, right?” I can’t believe he felt the need to bring rooms up, pissing me off.

  “Really, Braden? You even have to ask? Of course, I’ll have my own room,” I tell him, rolling my eyes in the process.

  He puts his hands up in defense. “I just needed to hear the words.”

  Our waitress brings our meals and sets them down in front of us. “Can I get you anything else?”

  “No…we’re good. Thanks,” I tell her.

  After she leaves, Braden asks me, “Do you know how long the trip will take yet?”

  “No, but I will after tomorrow.” He nods at this and digs into his burrito.

  And that’s the end of that conversation.

  I can’t think of much else but my impending road trip and Braden’s looming departure for the rest of the day. So much that it causes me to lose sleep that night, a battle of emotions playing against each other in my head. I envision the scene where Braden leaves, each time more unsettling.

  The next day I’m dragging but I don’t have any plans except for Jeremy coming over to budget our trip. He’s on my doorstep at three and we get right to it, my excitement winning over my weariness. Jeremy told me that he’s covering all the gas money – his parents offered and I’m so down with that. They’re also letting us take their Honda Pilot since Jeremy and I both have older cars. My parents are springing for my hotel rooms as part of my graduation present so I told them I would cover all my own food.

  My parents left us in the dining room, going back and forth over things with a huge map spread across the table. Sometimes my dad would come in and ask about places we were going – I get the feeling he wished he had gone on a road trip in his younger days. He seems excited about the whole process.

  After a few hours, we’ve loosely mapped our entire trip, not wanting to plan everything, and figured we’d be on the road for maybe two weeks, give or take a few days. We’ll visit several states, traveling from one coast to the other, and will leave on July first.

  Jeremy was just getting ready to leave when Braden arrives for dinner. I had no idea we had spent so much time planning and didn’t realize the time. Talk about awkward in my entryway.

  Jeremy gives a nod to Braden and tells me he’ll talk to me later, and he’s quickly out the door. After I shut the door, giving Braden an apologetic smile, I’m not even sure what to say.

  Braden says, “Hold on – I’ll be right back.” He opens the front door and steps out before I can even say anything.

  The bottom of my stomach drops as I watch him approach Jeremy. They’re close enough so I can hear their conversation, even though I’m not sure if I’m supposed to.

  “Why Karma?” Braden asks him.

  “Why Karma what?”

  “Why couldn’t you have taken a road trip with anyone else besides Karma?”

  Jeremy looks uncomfortable but Braden seems sincere.

  “To be honest, I was half-joking when I brought it up – I never thought she’d actually agree to the idea. But when she told me she wanted to go – the look on her face made me want to do this for her.” Jeremy breaks eye contact with Braden, looking down the street before his eyes land back on Braden. “Look, man, I’m not trying to steal your girl. You and I both know that would be impossible. I mean look at you – I can’t compete with you – nor do I want to. She’s a great person who just so happens to be a lot of fun. End of story.”

  Braden sticks his hand out and says, “Thanks for being honest, man.”

  Jeremy eyes his hand suspiciously, but takes it anyway. “You’re welcome. And you’ve got nothing to be worried about.”

  Braden walks away and suddenly turns around as Jeremy’s about to get into his car. “Oh – one more thing. If anything happens to her…”

  “It won’t – not on my watch.”

  They give each other the guy stare-down and then Braden nudges his chin at him, and walks back towards the house. He notices me at the door and tosses me a cocky smile, probably glad I heard the entire exchange.

  When he gets to the door, I step aside so he can come in. He stops in front of me, takes my face in his hands and kisses me heatedly. The kiss doesn’t last long but the effect it leaves sure does. Holy shit!

  Braden and I spend the next few days together. The closer his departure day comes, the more relaxed he is about my trip. My emotions are still all over the place, but I can’t stop the future from happening, nor do I want to. I’ve come to terms with our being apart this summer, but it still doesn’t stop me from being upset about it.

  I wake feeling like my eyes have been glued shut overnight. Then I realize they’re half-swollen from crying myself to sleep. Braden leaves today, the ache in the back of my throat feels as if I’ve swallowed back all the dread that’s been building up to this day. Holding my rolling stomach, I force myself out of bed, glancing at the clock. He’ll be here in about ten minutes, not near enough time for me to pull myself together. I reach for a pair of shorts and a tank top that were lying on my floor, throwing them on quickly before heading to the bathroom, tossing my hair up on top of my head, securing it with an elastic band.

  I’m horrified at what’s staring back at me when I look in the mirror. Really? Is this how you want Braden to remember you?

  I splash cold water on my face, hoping to reduce the size of my puffy eyes. Drying off my face, I hear the doorbell ring and I freeze. Air gets trapped in my lungs, wetness building behind my eyes.

  After a few minutes, I hear my mom call up the stairs. “Karma? Braden’s here.”

  I run a toothbrush over my teeth before heading downstairs.

  My mom takes one look at me and her expression reflects nothing but pity. She approaches me and gives me a hug that only a mom can deliver. “He’s waiting outside.”

  Braden’s parked in the drive, pacing up and down the cement. He looks up when he hears the front door open. I almost lose it when I see his face – this is killing him just as much as it’s killing me.

  I walk slowly to him, my eyes never leaving his, and I don’t stop until I’m in his arms. He’s holding on for dear life, whispering in my ear, “Please don’t cry, Karma. You’re killing me here.”

  I can’t contain my sobs and I know I’m soaking his shirt. Stroking my hair, he continues to reassure me about everything.

  Finally getting a grip, I wipe my eyes and try to speak. “Please call me when you stop…and when you get there.”

  “I promise.”

  I nod and he says, “Don’t forget to take your laptop on your trip so we can Skype, okay?” I nod again.

  Cradling his hands along my jaw, he kisses me like he’s never going to see me again. He pulls me to him one last time and says, “We’ll get through this – I promise. I’ll be working my tail off and you’ll be seeing the world. August will be here before you know it.”

  He pulls back so he can look into my eyes. “I love you so much, Karma. Don’t you ever forget that even for one second.”

  “I love you just as much,” I whisper back.

  He drops his hands, and I know this is it. I’m trying so hard to be strong. He walks backward towards the driver’s side door and says, “I’ll talk to you soon,” and if I didn’t know any better, I’m sure I saw his chin quiver.

  Getting in the car, he backs up slowly out of the driveway, the sticky sound of rubber meeting hot blacktop slowly creeps its way into my memory, the only detail standing out. Not his tight grip on the steering wheel or the tortured way his eyes stare back at me, but that stupid, sucking sound. It’s funny how the mind works, singling out an exact recollection.

  After a brief wave, his eyes slide to the long road ahead, a road full of uncertainty and unease. Maybe no
t for him but for me.

  As I watch him drive away, all I envision is my heart tied to his rear bumper, being dragged against the rough asphalt.

  Chasing him.

  Trying like hell to hold on.

  chapter twenty-one

  June 2013

  I should have never let you go…I should have fought for us.

  His words run through my mind on auto-pilot as I get ready to meet him and Mr. Lewis for drinks at a swanky bar downtown. The swanky already has me a ball of nerves, but Braden’s words have me more so.

  He never gave me a chance to respond, having ended the call. So dramatic. But I was thankful, having no idea how to respond. After thinking about it for a few days, I still have no idea how I would have responded.

  But every time those words tumble through my mind, they wear away the sharp edges of past-spoken words. Each tumble softening the pointy shards of the painful dialogue we shared that day, their pricks proved to be damaging.

  Yes, I eventually healed, but the punctures of his words left scars.

  But even scars fade over time.

  chapter twenty-two

  July 2008

  Tomorrow begins the journey to re-discover Karma. I’m hoping I’m not just kidding myself and our journey doesn’t end up being one big, giant flop.

  Each day without Braden has gotten a little easier to handle, but I’m waiting on my trip to totally distract me from the emptiness that surrounds me. His drive took twenty hours to get to UCLA since he pulled over at a rest stop and slept for about three. He only had one day to acclimate to his new surroundings before his training began.

  Our chats can get fairly long, but he’s so freaking tired I feel bad keeping him on the phone. When we Skype, I see how exhausted he is, dark circles casting a dull shadow under his eyes. I keep my concern to myself, though; he has enough on his plate.

  I met his roommate, Taylor, one night while we were Skyping, and he seems nice – the third generation in his family to attend UCLA. I thought Braden might find Skyping with me weird while Taylor was in the room, but he didn’t seem to care.

  As I look around my room, my bag is packed and ready to go. Jeremy and I keep texting each other about things not to forget. I hope we can get along in a car for that length of time – we could find each other annoying after a while. Little late for that thought.

  Stella and I said our goodbyes today and she’s been great at distracting me since Braden left. She leaves for Texas next week to stay with her cousin for most of the summer. Looks like we’re all branching out already, a sign of the times perhaps.

  After my mind swims from one topic to the next, sleep finally takes over. When I wake to the sound of my phone chirping, an immediate smile crosses my face, knowing Jeremy will be picking me up shortly, hopefully beginning my journey of finding whatever it is I’m searching for.

  In just a short hour, I climb into his mom’s car and we head east towards Oklahoma. We decided not to adhere to any kind of a schedule or an itinerary, thinking it might stifle our trip. My dad’s words come back to haunt me: or will you just be blowin’ in the wind? That’s exactly what we’ll be doing, after all.

  “Just remember the rules, Hippie Girl. If one of us wants to pull over and see or do something, we will.”

  I roll my eyes at him because that was one of the rules I thought up. He chuckles as he turns the radio on, landing on a heavy-metal rock station.

  A scowl appears on my face as I slowly turn to him. He wears a cocky grin, moving his head back and forth to the irritating bass.

  “Really? You like to listen to acid rock?”

  “Hey – the driver gets to choose. I believe you made the rule.”

  “I’m well aware.” I don’t know if I’ll survive listening to his music – I may end up driving the whole trip.

  He turns the music up a little and smirks. Shaking my head, I stare out my window, leaving behind the mundaneness and predictability of my life. The comfort of home and the boundaries I’ve grown accustomed to no longer a security blanket as I set forth to find myself, as cliché as that sounds. I feel like I’ve been this quiet, little sailboat without a navigator the past several months, the winds tossing me around and acting as my captain. It’s time for me to turn the bow and take on a new course, the wind no longer in charge – just me.

  I’d been drowning in my thoughts when I notice a bold sign pass my window.

  “Did you see that, Jeremy?”

  “See what?”

  “Hello? We just passed the sign that said Welcome to Oklahoma.”

  “Yep – saw it.”

  “We should have taken a picture.”

  He looks at me like I’m nuts and says, “Are you going to make a big production every time we pass a state sign? Because we’re going to pass a lot of them, Hippie Girl.”

  “How am I supposed to catalog our trip if you don’t let me take pictures of the signs?”

  “Are you serious? You want me to turn around and go back just so you can take a picture?”

  “Please?”

  He swings over to the slow lane so he can take the next exit. “For the love of…” he mumbles under his breath.

  I keep my mouth shut until he gets off the exit, heads west for a bit and then gets back on heading east again. When we come upon the sign, he pulls off to the side of the road and puts on the blinkers. I lean out the window and get my shot.

  He pulls the car back into traffic and I tell him, “Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate you doing that.”

  “Welcome,” he mumbles.

  I find Jeremy amusing.

  We stop to eat lunch in a small town right after we crossed the state line again. Our goal is to avoid all fast food chains if we can help it, wanting to eat at local spots and get a feel for each place we stop. Okay, this was more my idea than Jeremy’s, but I think he agrees with me once he sees this place.

  We seat ourselves and browse the laminated legal-sized menu.

  “So let’s see what Nellie’s Diner has to offer us, shall we?” Jeremy says.

  “I’m going to get the Reuben sandwich,” I tell him, putting my menu back behind the napkin canister.

  He frowns at me and says, “You hardly looked at the menu.”

  “I always get a Reuben at places like this.” I grab my purse and slide out of the booth. “Order me one, will ya? I’ve got to use the ladies’ room.”

  I find the restrooms back in the corner and they’re fairly clean. I’m not gone but a few minutes but when I return, Jeremy has a funny look on his face.

  “Did I miss something?” I ask, scooting back into my seat.

  “Nope.”

  I look around the diner at the patrons and say, “I wonder how many of these people are from traveling and how many are actually locals that come here all of the time.”

  Jeremy scans the restaurant and shrugs. “What? You want to take a poll for your trip documentation?”

  Rolling my eyes at him, I say, “No, smartass, I was just making conversation.”

  He tries to hide his smile but it’s there nonetheless.

  Our waitress brings our lunches to the table and sets them down. I stare at my plate and say to her, “Excuse me, but I – ”

  “Everything looks great – thanks,” Jeremy tells her while interrupting me. She gives me a strange look before leaving the table.

  “Jeremy, this isn’t what I ordered.”

  “You’re right – it’s what I ordered for you. You need to step out of your comfort zone and live a little. Changing up your diner cuisine is the first step.”

  I eye the sandwich in front of me. “What is it?” I ask, slowly lifting up the bun.

  “It’s a Philly beef and cheese. You ever had one?”

  “Can’t say I have,” I say, lowering my nose to smell it.

  “Just try it,” he says, lifting his huge-ass burger to take a bite.

  I shrug, acting like it’s no big deal. Changing things up leads to growth, right? Even if it
starts with something as insignificant as a sandwich.

  I take a bite, letting the flavors dance along my taste buds. Wow! It’s surprisingly good.

  Jeremy watches me, waiting for my reaction. I can’t help but smile at him – he thinks he’s so smart. I don’t even need to say anything – he knows he’s won this round.

  After leaving the diner, I take over driving while Jeremy dips his seat back, a sure sign that I’m about to be alone with my thoughts.

  After about an hour on the highway, I take in my surroundings, relishing the scenery, even if it’s just a lot of oil rigs and cows. Focusing on an increased awareness of myself, my soul, I tune everything out, even Jeremy’s light snoring from the opposite side of the car. According to my mom, my spiritual cleansing requires an open mind, allowing new experiences to replace old habits. We discussed how I should prepare for this trip, and the word awareness was mentioned more than once. She informed me that a trip like this is an outer reflection of the inner experience. To take away what I need, I have to give in to the experience. My mom amazes me with her wisdom and self-assurance, traits I pray are in my DNA somewhere.

  Braden slips into my thoughts even though I’m supposed to be focusing on me. My eyes flick to the digital image on the dashboard, and I know he’s probably still at practice. I rarely hear from him until the evening. It’s funny – just being away from my usual surroundings for half of the day, in a different state, that familiar ache that resides in my chest has lessened. Oh my God! How is that? Excitement courses through my veins, my mom’s words ringing true already.

  “Do you see what I see?”

  My head jerks in Jeremy’s direction, not knowing he was awake. All I see is the back of his head, his hair somewhat smashed down where it was pressed against the headrest during his nap, his eyes glued to something beyond his window.

  Trying to pay attention to the road, I’m waiting for him to acknowledge what he’s gawking at. “What? What’s out there?”

  Twisting to face me, his vibrant eyes radiate excitement. He leans back in his seat so I can see past him, revealing what his head was blocking. My gaze fixes on a monstrous circular beast, tiny cages holding temporary prisoners as it ascends and descends over and over, its cherry red paint visible even this far away. A Ferris wheel. And where there’s a Ferris wheel, there’s a fair. The corners of my mouth instantly pull up as my eyes meet Jeremy’s.