The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  Forgive yourself: until someone points out NTs’ boundaries (and maybe even afterwards), we will invade personal space, personal information, personal belongings, and we will never mean a thing by it. I know you don’t mean to be awkward or “weird.” I don’t either. Would you criticize a blind person because he couldn’t see a car speeding past him? Of course not. So don’t be upset with yourself for stepping over social lines you can’t see. You CAN’T see them. You just have to know where to expect them.

  Why? NTs don’t realize you can’t see what they see. They think we’re being rude, flippant or disrespectful. And why wouldn’t they? An NT who ignores social boundaries is being rude, flippant or disrespectful. We’re just being Aspie.

  You’d think that, as an author writing a book about this topic, I’d be darned good at avoiding the mind-blindness pitfalls myself. Sometimes I am. But not always. When I wrote out the book proposal of the very book you are reading, I included some of the examples of the rules I wanted to include. Thank goodness my publisher believes in my writing and had already published my first book, because I had a bit of a problem.

  The proposal was written very clearly—if you could read my thoughts. Anyone else was in trouble. After all, what did I mean by rules like “Mirror! Mirror!” or “Boiling the Pasta”? You see, I hadn’t explained what any of the rules would actually be about. Just because I knew what would be included under “Mirror! Mirror!” did not, of course, mean anyone else would. Apologetically, I sent a thorough explanation, adding, “I fear that more than a bit of my own mind-blindness may have interfered.” And thank goodness, she listened.

  Not everyone in every circumstance will listen, though. They aren’t all so patient. That’s why: we must learn where NTs see social boundaries, and respect them as if we could see them, too.

  Where are the Bubbles’ Edges?

  Social boundaries are very real to NTs. And even if you can’t see them, you know when you’ve crossed a line. It goes something like this:

  • NTs see a protective space (“a bubble”) around everyone’s bodies, possessions, ideas and feelings.

  • When we get too close to their bodies, possessions, ideas or feelings without permission, we “pop” the bubble.

  • Or, if we expose our bodies, possessions, ideas, feelings or friendship without the NTs invitation, we “pop” the bubble.

  • “Popped bubbles” leave the NT no protection. They feel threatened, violated or offended.

  • To protect themselves, they move away or push us away.

  It feels awful, right? As if we are somehow weird or repulsive. We don’t need to be punished, though. What we really need is just a better explanation of:

  NT “Bubble” Boundaries

  Bodies

  The distance you stand from another person is important, but complicated. How close is too close and how far is too far? Try this: imagine that everyone is walking around with a hula hoop around his midsection. If your hula hoop were to touch up against an NTs, you’d be at about the proper conversation distance to keep him or her feeling comfortable.

  Closer together is the “intimate” zone, which NTs reserve only for family, pets, dating partners or very close (long-time) friends. Even with these people, it’s good practice to ask before touching. For example, “Would you like a hug?” is always polite and a good way to check in.

  Respecting body space includes not handling, displaying or discussing things which touch private parts of one’s body, such as undergarments or personal hygiene items. Similarly, rooms where these items are kept (bedrooms and bathrooms) are meant to be off-limits to general visitors.

  Last, a busy body usually means a busy mind. If someone’s body is busy, don’t interrupt with questions or requests. He will feel frazzled and may be short-tempered. Give him space now. Pick a quieter time and ask then.

  Possessions

  The rule here is one we’ve been taught as young children, yet without thinking, break frequently and carelessly:

  Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

  • Ask before touching, “borrowing” or using anyone else’s ANYTHING—otherwise, it’s called STEALING.

  • Asking AS you reach for an item is not acceptable.

  • Leave shared or public spaces (the kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc.) as you found them—without a trail of your belongings or trash cluttering “everyone’s space.”

  • Leave drawers or doors closed unless they are yours.

  • Return borrowed items before being asked for them.

  • Treat others’ things with even more care than you would your own.

  • Show respect for other people’s hard work, no matter how unimportant a job might seem to you.

  Ideas

  I had a boss who once told me that the most arrogant thing someone could do was to assume that he shared their opinion without ever asking him. He had a point. So, be on the safe side:

  • Assume that any person with whom you speak has a completely different opinion than you do on politics, religion, and just about everything else until you find out otherwise.

  • Everyone has the right to her own beliefs, no matter how ridiculous, strange or wrong you think those beliefs may be. Keep judgments to yourself.

  • If you disagree with an opinion, you don’t need to say so. That might start an argument. “That’s an interesting way of looking at things” is a neutral reply that doesn’t criticize or support what’s been said.

  • A different opinion isn’t necessarily wrong.

  • Ideas are intellectual property—using someone else’s idea without clear permission is the same as stealing. It’s also really tacky.

  Feelings

  Reality is awfully fuzzy. Some even say there is no reality—that perception is truth. I see a problem one way. That’s my truth. My neighbor sees it another way. That’s his truth. Other people’s feelings are as real to them as yours are to you. Why does that matter? Because:

  People react to their perceptions and feelings—not to yours.

  Here’s how it works:

  • What you do and say creates feelings in others that you may not realize.

  • No feeling is “stupid” or “ridiculous.”

  • Everyone has a right to his or her feelings. You do, too.

  • Feelings cannot be wrong. Facts that lead to feelings can be wrong.

  • Your feelings affect the thoughts you think, and the actions you take.

  • Other people have other feelings, so they think different thoughts than you do, and will act differently, too.

  • Positive feelings (relaxed, happy, proud, important) bring about positive reactions (kindness, including you, laughter).

  • Negative feelings (embarrassed, hurt, afraid) bring about negative reactions (teasing, yelling, leaving you out).

  • Having different feelings and thoughts doesn’t mean one person is right and the other is wrong.

  • We have to explain our impressions and feelings clearly. Other people cannot read our minds. They do not know what we are thinking or feeling unless we explain it. No matter how obvious you think your feelings are, communicate.

  • We do not KNOW what someone else is thinking unless we ask.

  • Use “I feel statements”—they can’t be wrong. Say “I feel (emotion) about (behavior).”

  • Check in! Say “Did you mean to make me feel (blank)?” or “Are you feeling (blank)?” Be sure you are reacting to facts not feelings.

  • When people have feelings that you don’t understand, it is good to ask why they feel as they do. For example, “So you feel (blank)? Can you help me understand why?”

  If you want to influence others in any way (to like you, include you, give you a job, a date, whatever!), you must consider how you make them feel.

  • Create positive feelings in others.

  • Positive feelings create positive thoughts.

  • Positive thoughts will lead to positive actions.

/>   Bubblicious

  There are a lot of people out there who claim to be mind-readers or telepaths. Personally, I think they are really just good information gatherers. Aspies are sort of “illiterate telepaths.” We can’t read minds. But we can gather information about what others may be feeling, thinking or doing. Do it enough, and you’ll see patterns, too.

  Imagining another person’s point of view can be hard. Don’t worry about what you don’t know for sure. Try, instead, to build possibilities and maybes. Ask questions. Communicate your own ideas—remember, those are invisible, too. And all along, refer back to these “hidden” rules. Maybe you won’t travel by bubble, but at least you won’t get soap in your eyes.

  - 23 -

  Choices and Tactics

  How to Recognize a Friend

  Need-to-Knows

  • The NT world has lots of “invisible” boundaries around friendships.

  • You need to know exactly what a friend is, not just what a friend isn’t.

  • Carefully and purposefully choose the people in your life.

  • Friendships aren’t perfect because people aren’t perfect. Even true friends make mistakes sometimes.

  • A worthwhile friendship is one which makes you feel good about being you.

  Asperkid Logic

  Everyone says they know what a friend is. But do they? Do we? Dr. Tony Attwood, a psychologist, noticed that when asked what makes a good friend, Aspies usually answer with negatives (Attwood 2007). In other words, we say what a good friend doesn’t do, rather than what he or she does do. Why? His guess is that we’ve had a whole lot of bad experiences with so-called “friends,” so we know what they’re not supposed to do. Unfortunately, we haven’t had enough good experiences to give a solid idea of what friends are supposed to do. Makes sense to me.

  It’s awfully hard to describe something if you haven’t really seen it before. Try describing my kitchen. Unless you’ve been here, you have no idea if it’s big or small, cozy or modern, green, yellow or gray. And if you haven’t had a good friend, it’s not too easy to describe that either.

  Friendship in books or on TV is tidy; problems are solved between the opening and closing theme songs. That’s not the real world, though. In reality, friendship is murky. It’s messy. And in NT world, there are actually a whole bunch of little layers between “friend” and “stranger.” Miss those layers, and you will trust people you shouldn’t. You may also scare away folks who could turn out to be wonderful friends.

  So let’s take a point from Dr. Attwood. In order to learn the NT world’s friendship rules (and there are lots) we have to define what a friend is, instead of what he or she isn’t (Attwood 2007).

  A friend:

  • calls or texts you about the same amount as you call or text him or her

  • returns your calls

  • writes Facebook posts on your wall and responds to yours

  • keeps secrets

  • shares secrets

  • smiles when he or she sees you

  • likes some of the same things you do

  • likes some things that you don’t

  • shares some of the same opinions

  • invites you to hang out

  • waits for you

  • introduces you to other friends

  • saves you a seat

  • stands up for you (even if you’re not there)

  • stops you if you put yourself down

  • listens

  • compliments you sincerely

  • sees talents in you that you hadn’t noticed

  • knows your faults and accepts them

  • tells you the truth

  • says he or she is sorry and means it

  • accepts your apology

  • laughs with you, not at you

  • doesn’t pressure you to do things you don’t want to

  • tells an adult if you are in danger (yes, even secrets)

  • will not always include you in everything he or she does

  • means well, even when he or she makes a mistake

  • likes you for exactly who you are.

  That’s quite a list. A tall order. Which is why it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that in your entire lifetime, you may only make a handful or two of good friends. Count yourself lucky. It is the quality of your friends, not the quantity of them, that makes all the difference.

  And even the best of friends mess up. That’s one of the hardest things for Aspies to remember: people (like everything else) aren’t all or nothing. Even among the closest friends, nobody likes everything about the other person. No friendship is perfect because no person is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Everyone makes honest mistakes.

  Your choice to make is how willing are you to tolerate a particular flaw? One friend may be a bit of a grump. Another might be awfully forgetful. How important are those things when compared with their strengths? That’s a personal call without a real right or wrong.

  The Ingredients of a Trusted Friend

  We can boil all of these particulars down to what you might call “the main ingredients” in cooking up a trusted friend:

  • It’s a Two-Way Street: friendships are based on respect for one another and an equal give-and-take of attention from both people.

  • Kindness: friends like one another and try to make each other feel happy.

  • Perspective: friends ask questions about each other’s lives, feelings, and ideas, in order to understand each other’s perspectives.

  • No One Loses: true friends can disagree, argue, get mad, and solve problems together; staying friends is more important than proving who is right and wrong.

  • Things in Common: friends aren’t exactly alike, but they usually have a lot in common (interests, activities).

  • Slow Sharing: over time, friends very gradually share ideas, wishes, and feelings that they don’t tell others.

  Above all, a worthwhile friend makes you feel good about who you are.

  Pick ’Em

  Why should you bother making friends, with all the effort it takes? I’m not going to lie to you—it is tough, and it does take effort. But do try. Life is better when you can choose when (not if ) you’d like to be alone and when you’d like company.

  Having the option to share your life with other people makes it richer. It makes happy days happier, and makes heartbreak easier to handle. Learning to see others’ perspectives may spark ideas you’d never have had otherwise and inspire you to discover talents you never realized were yours.

  Where and How?

  Where do you look for friends? And how do you start? Start by remembering your goal: to discover real friends. The focus is quality, not quantity (one or two good friends are way better than a whole crowd of unreliable ones).

  You already are exactly who you are supposed to be. Getting yourself nervous about what you should say and what you shouldn’t do is going to make you try too hard. It’ll come off weird and uncomfortable. Be you—don’t fake an interest or say you know all about something you don’t. Keep it real.

  Remember, too, that less is often more. Bring the volume down and make your body quiet; although being loud or goofy can come with feeling nervous, it makes other people nervous, too.

  Whom? AKA, Multiple Choice Mastery

  The most important thing you can do (and the one where we Aspies have the worst track record) is CHOOSING the right people to approach as possible friends. You want the right person—not just the obvious person. I’ve heard it said that we should imagine our decisions in our lives as if they are multiple choice tests. You probably already know that in an “a, b, c, or none of the above” scenario, one of those choices is always a “dummy” or trick answer—it looks right, but is actually very wrong. It’s a distraction. Take it from me, a former teacher: find the “trick” answer FIRST, and get rid of it. It’s a lot easier to see the better choice without the distraction. Know what? Eliminating the “obvious” choice i
s a smart way to choosing good friends, too.

  For example, at school, kids in the center of the crowd may seem the most attractive. But they’re pretty busy keeping themselves and the rest of the room entertained. Eliminate the obvious choices—the people everyone else picked.

  Let’s say your choices for possible friends are: (a) the girl with perfect hair and a legion of followers, (b) the shy boy who is a part-time magician, (c) the student council president or (d) none of the above. Most people will be faked out and go for (a) or (c). Those are the OBVIOUS answers, but not the best one. To them, one extra (easily replaced) friend probably isn’t very important. You’d be disposable. The best choice is (b)! Choose to approach kids who, like you, will be really value a friend and work hard to be good friends in return.

  Hi There

  Alright. You’ve got a whole bunch of “secret” rules in your tool chest. Time to put what you know to good use. When you want to make a new friend:

  • Smile.

  • Try a little of everything—well-rounded people are interesting to be and to be around, so mix up your activities (music AND swimming or computer club AND an art class). This gets you around lots of different social circles.

  • Notice—look at what someone is reading, wearing (T-shirt graphics), or doing for clues to their interests.

  • Ask about their interests.

  • Remember: have you spoken with this person before? What do you remember learning about what he likes or knows that you could bring up again?