The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  • Talk to someone else who is on his own. Or, if there is a small group talking about a subject that interests you, walk over to the edge of the group and listen for a while before speaking.

  • Read blogs and personal walls to see what people are up to.

  • Give compliments.

  • Take turns! Listen twice as much as you talk.

  • Look for chances to talk about things other than the work if you are put in a small group or with a partner in school.

  • Ask if your school or psychologist runs any social skills groups. These groups of kids (many Aspies!) create a low-pressure environment where you can practice hidden rules.

  • Join a club or activity—try a new sport, or volunteer at a favorite charity. You may not think you are a “joiner,” but there really is no better place to meet people. Whether your thing is drama, field hockey or Legos, there are clubs for everything. They’re great ways to meet people with similar interests and give you instant conversation topics.

  Whatever you decide to try, the most important tip is to get started. Don’t get in the way of your own happiness. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. A friendship of one hundred years begins with a simple “hello.”

  - 24 -

  Who’s Who, What’s What

  Friendship Levels and Cling Wrap

  Need-to-Knows

  • NTs see friendship in levels. Knowing them helps us to know who to trust and how much to trust them.

  • It’s better to be without a friend than to be mistreated by someone who says they are a friend.

  • Keep friendships and conversations balanced; coming on too strong makes NTs uncomfortable.

  • Friendships require more attention as they become more important.

  Asperkid Logic

  There’s a campfire-kind of song a lot of kids learn called “Silver and Gold.” You may know the words: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” Partly, that’s a message which is lost on you as a kid. After all, if your entire lifespan is ten or fifteen years, there is really no way to wrap your head around what might go into maintaining a friendship for twenty years. Last Christmas feels like ages ago! So, how old does a friendship have to be before it’s “golden”?

  It’s not really a matter of time. The point of the song is another hidden NT truth: there are lots of levels of friendships. In middle school, I got “best friend” lockets with a girl I’d known less than a year. And I’m going to admit, I was thrilled! She was popular and I was really proud to walk around, the other “half” of the best friend team. We’d gotten very close over the summertime, and by the time school was in, we were BFFs. We had matching outfits, held sleepovers, told secrets, the whole bit. Yet within six months, another girl, who was jealous of the friendship, had convinced my friend that I was spreading rumors. She claimed I had been telling everyone I was smarter and richer and prettier (I’d said none of those things; heck, I couldn’t even imagine doing those things!). And together, the two of them spent the rest of the school year plotting different ways to make me cry. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t on the bullet points of what “A friend is…”

  The truth is that I had no business having “best friend” lockets with her. Actually, the idea of having just one best friend is loaded with trouble. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that we called the relationship something much more than it was—a few months is not an “old” or “golden” friendship. I never thought that someone who called herself a “friend” could be anything other than loyal and honest. I was a friend, and I was loyal and honest. I didn’t gossip, and I never, ever meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. My mom used to say that I thought that everyone would be the same kind of friend to me that I was to them. She was right. Being Aspie, it never occurred to me that other people didn’t operate the same way…that they might use strategies, lies and drama, or that “friend” meant something totally different to them than it did to me. To us. To us, a smiling face is a trustworthy face. But that’s not the truth for NTs.

  In the NT world, there are many levels of friendship, and even though someone calls himself your friend, he may not be. Only time really tells who is a friend, and who isn’t.

  People aren’t either/or. Relationships aren’t either/or. NTs know this without being told. So they sort people into a lot more categories than we do. It keeps them safe. And you deserve to learn their operating systems, too. Just knowing they exist will help you figure out who to trust and how much to trust them.

  Levels of Friends

  An interesting way of looking at NTs’ hidden friendship code is to imagine something called the Friendship Pyramid. It’s the idea of the Social Thinking Clinic run by Michelle Garcia Winner and Dr. Pamela Crooke (see the Resources Section for some titles of theirs to try). Essentially, they describe a pyramid with five levels of people; my point to make to you is that people HAVE to pass THROUGH the bottom levels to get to the top, and that this should take more time than you think. Go slowly up the levels…

  Friendly Greetings

  Friendly greetings means the folks you pass as you come and go—it’s most of the people you see like the school secretary, the check-out person at a store, kids you pass at the mall. Your goal with these people is to smile, if you feel comfortable, or maybe say hello and “How are you?”—basically politely just acknowledge that they are there. These are not people who expect you to speak more than a few lines of small talk. In general, I know a lot of Aspies see “small talk” or “chit chat” as meaningless or a nuisance, but it’s REALLY not. Small talk is a chance to leave positive impressions of yourself on lots of people who, I promise you, are more important than you realize. For example, being friendly to a receptionist is not only just polite, it’s smart: who do you think will help you get (or prevent you from getting) the appointment you want with that college admissions counselor? People you barely know may have great impact on your life.

  Acquaintance

  Acquaintances are people you don’t plan to meet or hang out with, but whom you may see semi-regularly; they may be in a club or class with you. These are the people with whom you have short conversations (1–2 minutes), who it might be interesting to find out more about.

  Possible Friendship

  Possible friendships develop from acquaintances with whom you’ve had a few conversations, and then made plans together. So, maybe you and your lab partner decided to meet up at lunch period or after school. Or this is someone who “liked” you on Facebook or decided to follow your blog. This would be someone who it would be OK to walk up to, if he was standing with someone else, text about a homework question, ask to save you a seat on the bus. Your interactions are in public, and not very frequent.

  Evolving Friendship

  An evolving friendship is the level when a friendship demands more of your attention to keep going. Personally, I am not a big phone person—which is true of most Aspies I know. So, while yes, this would be a friend you could call and talk with after school or on the weekends, I’ll also say that this is someone you could text or email/Facebook to see what they’re up to or tell them about something funny that happened. You can also hang over at each other’s house, go to a party together, meet at the movies. (This would also be the level that I would say would be OK to ask someone on a date.) Whether we’re talking friends or dating, check to be sure they are reciprocating! Remember you want to keep the amount of contact and information sharing balanced. Check also that this is someone you want to choose as a friend. As you spend more time together, be sure he or she has all of the “ingredients” of making a good friend.

  Bonded Friendship

  Close to the level below it, bonded friendship means someone who has remained a friend over time—maybe a whole school year. You plan to hang out regularly and stay in touch consistently outside of school or practice. This is the friend you start to tell about feelings, crushes, fears…as long as you notice that she also sh
ares her personal thoughts with you.

  On Again, Off Again Friends

  On again, off again friends may come and go between levels as interests change, but are people who you always enjoy no matter how close you remain.

  Very Close Friend

  Very close friends at the top of the pyramid are a really small group—really small—of friends you have known for a long time, and who have continued to be trustworthy, kind and sincere. This is a level that can only be earned with time.

  Webs, Stop Signs and Cling Wrap

  As you negotiate these friendship levels, there are some important things to know. The most important is to remember that you are a valuable person. No matter who says what, and no matter what happens, keep your head high.

  When we forget to value ourselves, get lonely or believe bad things other people say, we get in trouble. We may get desperate or clingy, or come on too fast or too strong. We may share information that NTs think is too personal way too fast and hold on to friends too jealously. In the end, this kind of behavior makes NTs feel as if they’ve been hit by a tidal wave. They run. Or, they take advantage of us. It’s why I cannot possibly tell you enough that:

  Having just ANY person in your life is NOT better than having NO one.

  I have put up with friends who wouldn’t invite me to parties (they didn’t want to admit we were friends) or would walk past me at school without acknowledging me. I was also in a physically dangerous relationship for almost two years in college because I thought I’d be happier having a popular boyfriend who hurt me or called me names than if I were single and safe.

  • You are not someone to have to be endured.

  • You are not lucky to just “get” whomever walks into your life.

  • You get to choose the people you want: people who will treat you well.

  Cling Wrap

  There’s an old rock song that says if you love something, you should set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If it doesn’t, it was never really yours to begin with. That’s very true of people. It’s understandable that if you’ve been lonely, you’ll be excited at the prospect of having a new friend.

  Caution Flag!

  We’ve talked about “reciprocity” before—an even give-and-take between people. Slow and steady wins the friend. Take cues from the other person. Call, email, text, IM (instant message), stop by, or post at the same rate she does. Not more. Listen more, talk less. That especially goes for your special interests. It may be hard to imagine that others don’t know or care about Star Wars, Greek mythology, dog breeds, Tudor genealogy, dinosaurs, trains or whatever your particular passion might be—but it’s probably true. And it doesn’t make them dumb or boring. So, be careful. Remember, you’re looking for friends, not students. And other kids don’t want another teacher. Don’t try to “convert” them or educate them about why they, too, should love what you do.

  Check to be sure you ask about topics that interest others. Conversations and games are give-and-take experiences, not one-person shows. Are you having a two-player-dialogue, or are you starting to spew facts? Look at the other person’s body language: is he or she looking elsewhere? Moving away? That’s boredom! Stop where you are and say, “Sorry! Enough about me. What about you? What do you like to do for fun?” Use your listening skills to STAY on that topic rather than wandering back to your favorite. It may be tough, but the world is interesting because of all of the types of minds out there—other kids are still worth having as friends even if their interests differ.

  Keep conversations, contact and effort balanced. Take everything slowly. If you are too afraid of being without someone, you will drive away the friends worth having. Being “clingy,” overwhelming, coming on too strong. The surest way to ruin a new friendship is to overdo it.

  Look for Stop Signs

  Sometimes, for no particular reason, a friendship you’d like to begin just doesn’t take. No blame. No big deal.

  Ah, but there may be a translation problem. Some of the ways an NT shows a lack of interest in friendship (not returning calls/texts, avoiding eye contact) may seem unremarkable to you. We’re famous for forgetting to return calls or getting caught up in what we’re doing, and for not paying enough attention to our friends.

  Be careful to recognize NTs’ signs for what they are: a suggestion to step back before you make the other person uncomfortable. If a person turns his back on you, ignores you, or seems to be avoiding you, take the hint. Ease up. Quit the calls and posts, and don’t be pushy. There are plenty of more friends to be made.

  Take Care of What You Have

  Ralph Waldo Emerson said that “the only way to have a friend is to be a friend.” Friendships are like gardens—they need care and attention to survive.

  If you have a friend who is reaching out to you and you don’t do the same in return, your friendship is not going to last long. Friends need to feel that they are on your mind even if they aren’t in front of your eyes. And while they may be in your thoughts, you have to SHOW it by keeping up your end of the relationship.

  How? Little things go a long way. Remember birthdays. Cheer at sports events and concerts. Share funny links. Just be the kind of friend you’d like to have.

  Different Friends for Different Things

  No healthy friendship is an all or nothing thing. You know the expression about putting all of your eggs in one basket? That’s too much pressure! No person can or should be everything to another person.

  Instead, it’s important for everyone to have more than one friend. So don’t be scared or jealous if your friend has plans that don’t involve you. Instead, take a lesson from the idea.

  Imagine yourself as the center of a web or flower. Around you extend all of the different “kinds” of friends you have to fill all the different parts of your life. Start with one friend. Then add on. Maybe one person in your classroom loves gaming, while another kid in band is into the same movies you are. A girl from school wants to play tennis with you and a guy you know from chemistry wants to try building a robot together. You are not a one-dimensional person. There are LOTS of interesting, exciting things about you. And there are even more interesting, exciting people in the world! So start by making one friend. But don’t stop. By having friends who enhance all different parts of your personality, you will become an all-around even more amazing person yourself.

  Quotealicious

  - 25 -

  Standing Up Straight

  Self-Advocacy, Anger Band-Aids and Being Heard

  Need-to-Knows

  • Honestly knowing your strengths and needs is like having a superpower.

  • Anger is a band-aid emotion. It’s a real thing—but the wound you have to heal is underneath the anger.

  • We teach others how they may treat us. We must respect ourselves before they will respect us.

  • Self-advocacy means clearly expressing your rights in a calm way.

  Asperkid Logic

  You have a superpower. You may not realize it, but you do. No, I’m not talking about tights or capes or laser eyes (although they would be kind of awesome). You have something better—and a lot more real. You have the advantage of self-awareness.

  “Know thyself, and you will possess the keys to the universe and the secrets of the gods” is an ancient, mystical proverb. It was spoken, some say, by the part-sorceress, part-prophetess Oracle of Delphi in ancient Greece. Most things spoken in ancient Greece have been lost to the ages, so what’s the big deal about “know thyself”?

  The Oracle spoke in riddles—like a fortune cookie. So, “know thyself” didn’t mean that you must know your name, or know what you look like. She meant that you should be aware of your own wants, impulses, weaknesses, opinions, skills, strengths and passions. Great strength and great peace come from knowing who you are, and who you are not. You know that you are Aspie. I am, too. And that knowledge is our superpower. We know how we are likely to react in certain situations, yet (here’s the power
part) we can learn to CHOOSE our actions, instead of letting impulse take over.

  This week, some people broke a promise to me. Bullies come in all shapes and ages. And this week, through no fault of my own, my trust was betrayed. I felt embarrassed, picked on and cheated. Well, maybe I still do. Here’s the thing, though. I’ve been here before—when one person, for whatever reason (although it seems usually to be jealousy), has tried to steal my joy. There’s an expression, “people throw rocks at shiny things.” It’s true. When you shine, you become a target.

  The difference is I now have a superpower that I didn’t have before. I know what I’m likely to do—I also know what I want to do instead.

  When I learned of the recent trouble, a wise man (whom I call my Albus Dumbledore) pointed out that I was “shining.” Other people were throwing rocks. I was good, I was right, and yes, I’d been wronged. Now I had a choice: would I be broken spaghetti, and rage? Would I send angry emails or yell or cry and make a scene? What would come of that? No power or justice—mostly just a loss of strength and of honor.

  When we Aspies are angry, it’s easy to give up or lose control. We may feel so hurt or so overpowered that we retreat in defeat. Or, we may lose our cool and become aggressive—calling names, screaming, protesting and whining. Then we just look foolish—our credibility and our power are gone.