The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  Counter-thoughts motivate you, build your confidence and keep you focused on what you CAN control. They are specific responses to specific put-downs or doubts.

  Being Mindful: Stop, Listen, Replace

  A thought is just a thought. It’s no stronger than you allow it to be. Stop what you’re doing, and take a close listen your self-talk. Write down what you hear, then write down and say OUT LOUD a positive counter-thought to fill in the “hole.” For example:

  The Negative Junk That Dug the Hole

  Counter-Thought Fillers to Smooth Out Your Path

  No one wants to be my friend.

  I am a great friend. I can choose new people to approach.

  I’m never going to pass that test.

  I can ask for some extra help from the learning specialist.

  I can’t do anything right.

  This is a chance to learn something new.

  Why Does Any of This Matter Anyway?

  Dignity is the reward you get for respecting the unique, precious person you are. Every person on the planet—NTs and Aspies alike—have the right to lead dignified lives. Do you give yourself that gift?

  Do you show OTHERS and YOURSELF:

  • honesty?

  • kindness?

  • tolerance for differences?

  • trustworthiness?

  • compassion?

  • fairness?

  When we refuse to bully ourselves, when we neither puff ourselves up nor tear ourselves down, we are dignified…and awfully attractive. Dating experts agree that nothing is more appealing than confidence and dignity. That’s nice to know. But I say, forget Winning Others Over. Dignity is the key to winning over the MOST important person we will ever know—ourselves.

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  Likes, Tweets and Texts

  Netiquette Need-to-Knows

  Need-to-Knows

  • Before you send a text or email to anyone, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it kind or good? Is it useful or necessary?

  • People on the other side of the computer are real, with real feelings, real opinions and real reactions. However, the feelings, opinions and reactions they show online may not be real.

  • What you write, text or post will ALWAYS be copy-and-pasteable, quotable, sharable and traceable.

  • All “friends” are not all equal. Levels of friendship still exist in cyberspace.

  • Avoid texting important conversations about the beginning or end of relationships, medical diagnoses or other major life events.

  • Keep the amount of contacts when messaging, emailing, texting or posting balanced; reciprocity rules online, too.

  Asperkid Logic

  I’m going to completely date myself here, but whatever. When I was a kid (there I go, I’ve actually said it), the term “netiquette” didn’t exist. Etiquette was what your mother made you read in Emily Post manners books, or you learned at “finishing school.” There was no such thing as the Internet. But, thank goodness, I’m still young enough to say that my world swarmed with gadgets and passwords and social networks while I was still a single twenty-something. Which means I have had significant time to use the net to make certain things easier, and also to completely embarrass myself. (Yay.)

  I have no doubt you have heard the basic warnings and rules of being smart and safe online. Please abide by them. People really do pretend to be kind, young and understanding—when they are, in truth, older, nightmarish and awful. So never, ever, ever give out your address, phone number or location to someone you don’t know or in a public posting. Ever. My husband’s a police officer, and he has seen bad stuff. Just trust me on this, folks. OK, enough said.

  Mind Blind Online

  The same social rules you’ve been reading all throughout this book are really the ones that you need to know online. Basically they break down to:

  • impulse control impulse control impulse control (think before you send)

  • being aware of the “you” that you create in others’ minds

  • knowing that invisible boundaries exist online, too

  • “reciprocity” still rules.

  When we allow our mind-blindness to kick in (which is, after all, our normal—so that means pretty often), we can get in the same trouble online that we do in the real world. Only it happens a LOT faster. Our world is interconnected by gadgets and apps and forums that offer nearly-instant contact and confusing relationships. We think we are level 5 friends with someone when actually, it’s more like a level 2. Or a thoughtless text suddenly changes an actual level 4 friendship into a brand-new hater.

  So, to begin, keep these points in mind at all times:

  • People on the other side of the computer are real, with real feelings, real opinions and real reactions. However, the feelings, opinions and reactions they show online may not be real.

  • Delete isn’t ever complete. Online is forever.

  “Like” Me: The Secret Rules of Social Networks

  Social networks are awesome in lots of ways. They’re great ways to connect with new (or old) friends, they help us avoid phone chit chat (yay!), and they’re good for helping Aspies maintain relationships that we might otherwise neglect.

  But they can also be a major pitfall zone. Boundary issues, over-sharing, levels of friendship—all the “invisibles” that we struggle with already—are EVERYWHERE, just waiting for us to step over lines and pop those dang social bubbles.

  The key to surviving (and enjoying) Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Pinterest and whatever site becomes hot next is to be THOUGHTFUL about everything you do in digital. Here’s how:

  • Assume that anything you ever write will be misused or misunderstood. That may sound a bit paranoid, but it’ll keep you thinking. What would you want a bully, a boss, an admissions counselor or your future kids to be able to trace back to you? My grandfather, decades before the internet, had a line that still rings true: “Words that are spoken are thin as air. Words that are written are always there.” What you say aloud can and will be repeated—sometimes correctly, other times, not so correctly. Either way, you can deny them or explain them. It’s called “hearsay” when others report what they claim to have heard, and it’s so wishy-washy that it’s not even allowed in court. However, what you write, text or post will ALWAYS be changeable (hello, Photoshop?!), copy-and-pasteable, quotable, sharable and traceable.

  • Keep photos and usernames neutral. College admissions officers, employers, your grandparents WILL see what you have online! You can look styled, casual, glamorous, cool, whatever—but if it’s not a picture you’d be proud to show to Grandma, keep it off the computer. Even your username matters. No matter how funny or “hot” you think you look or sound, you don’t; people who really are funny or attractive don’t have to try to prove it or show it off. They just are.

  • Ask before you tag. If you’ve been tagged (identified by name) in a photo and you don’t want it linked to you, it’s no problem for you to untag yourself. But don’t put others in that position. When posting photos that include other people, avoid tagging them. Let them know the photos are up, and allow them to choose to tag (or not to tag) themselves.

  • Privacy settings are there for a reason. Use them. Even then, though, assume that anything you post will be publicly viewable (after all, tablets, laptops and Smart Phones make even private screens portable). With the personal information that you do post—be careful not to over-share (typically Aspie danger zone). Other people don’t want to read an autobiography; too much info just comes off as vain. Less is more. Those who get to know you will learn all they want to know.

  • The number of followers or friends you have does not equal your value as a person. You can have 573 “friends” or 1000 followers, and not have a genuine friend in the whole group. Quality not quantity, remember? People who want to “collect” huge boatloads of “friends” aren’t interested in relationships, they’re interested in showing off.

  • All “friends” are not all
equal. Remember the levels of friendship? My online “friends” include people I hung out with in preschool but haven’t seen since, my best friends in the world, and my make-up salesgirl. Obviously, they are not all at the same “level of friendship” in my life, but they are all in my newsfeed. Use Smart Lists to help you keep straight who is who, and who isn’t an actual friend.

  • Friends of friends are OK. It’s fine to send a friend request to the friend of a friend, but accompany that with a little note so they can be sure you are who they think you are. Just because you remember someone doesn’t mean she remembers you.

  • Too Much Information (TMI). Before you post what you’re wearing, eating or watching, ask yourself—“Would I care if someone else posted this?” If not, don’t bother. Too many posts dilutes the posts that do matter.

  • The Wall is Reply All. And, in email, Reply All is usually not good. It clogs people’s inboxes and makes them less likely to pay attention to anything you have to say. Wall posts are like that; they cheapen you. Don’t use the Wall to make plans with one person (or even a small group); you make others feel left out and come across as though you need everyone to know you have a social life. Use direct messaging for personal plans, praise or information.

  • Thumbs up or down. You don’t have to say yes to everyone who asks you on a date and you don’t have to accept every friend request. “Ignore request” is a totally legitimate response if you really don’t know someone or want a particular person messaging you. Or, if you break up with someone or find a particular “friend” to be embarrassing, hurtful or upsetting—get rid of them. You are in charge of who you allow in your space, whether that’s actual physical space or cyberspace. You don’t have to leave room for negative people. “Un-friend” them for your own good.

  Digital Decorum

  Take a step out of social networks, and we still have a lot to keep straight with email and texting. Pop. There goes that danged bubble thing again.

  For example? My understanding had been that if someone gave me their contact information, I could use it. Seems pretty logical, right? Only nothing in NT world is ever that easy. A year ago, our pediatrician gave me her personal email and cell phone number, because our daughter had a lot of medical issues going on. Well, one weekend, we ran into some trouble with another doctor, and I wasn’t really sure how to handle it. So, I emailed our pediatrician. No reply. However, come Monday morning, she called me on the phone and proceeded to tell me how completely inappropriate I had been, that using her personal email was simply unacceptable. I thought I might vomit from humiliation. My voice barely squeaked out, “Oh, OK,” and I felt myself go hot to the tips of my ears. I truly didn’t understand what I’d done wrong—until I realized the familiar feeling: I’d crossed a boundary again. Ugh.

  In another case, one of my kiddos’ teachers asked me to please send her “all the information I had” about various testing we’d done. So I did. Literally. Then she went ahead and complained to the school principal that I had flooded her inbox with a ridiculous amount of emails. My literal interpretation was, apparently, the wrong way to take her request. And again, I was totally humiliated and lost as to what I’d done to upset her so much.

  Secret Rules of Email

  In thinking about those two incidents, I came up with my first two secret rules of email:

  • Invisible boundaries exist between personal and “professional” relationships; just because a professional person is friendly does not make him/her a friend. You can email friends and family, but only contact professionals (teachers, a boss, your therapist) at work and during business hours UNLESS it is a true emergency where someone’s health or safety is in immediate danger.

  • Multiple emails can make the receiver feel stalked or overwhelmed. Be concise and to the point, combining multiple small emails into one, more complete note. If you aren’t sure what to include or not include in an email, ask the other person to specify EXACTLY what information he/she would like to have.

  Beyond those…there are still more:

  • Watch your tone: go for clear not clever. There’s no way to make your tone of voice clear online, so people can easily misinterpret what you mean to say. For example, I have a really joking relationship with my father-in-law; we constantly tease about how he forgets to share news with the rest of the family. Last summer, I posted a message to the extended family, letting them know that we were coming into town for a week. I wanted to tell them myself, I wrote, because I wasn’t sure we could trust Grandpa to spread the word (which would have been said with a wink and a laugh out loud). Unfortunately, some readers took my joke as an insult against the family’s patriarch (luckily, he knew I was being completely good-natured); they read a tone that wasn’t there. Online, that’s not hard to do. So, be very clear in what you say, and if you think others may not “get” your humor, don’t make the joke to start with. On the flip side, if you think an online comment sounds out-of-character for an otherwise nice person, ask about it—don’t assume the worst. It’s probably just a misunderstanding.

  • Don’t forward, copy or attach a message without permission. That’s basically online gossiping.

  • Forwards are lame. Don’t send them. They annoy people. Period.

  • Be timely and thorough. Reply within 24 hours, and make sure to answer all questions he or she may have asked you (even if that means saying that you don’t know an answer). This is being respectful of everyone’s time.

  • Get to the point. People use email to save time, so try to keep yours short. Using bullet points also helps your reader see where attention is needed.

  • Spellcheck is there for a reason. Everything you put out in the world is like an extension, or at least a reflection, of you. Sending notes that are full of spelling or grammatical mistakes sends the message that you don’t care enough about the reader to take the time to check your work. But do beware of Autocorrect features! Failed “predictive corrections” have been known to send some VERY embarrassing replacement words.

  • It’s all forward-able. Anything you write can be cut and pasted or forwarded. If you don’t want information out there in public, don’t put it out there to start with.

  TXT SVVY

  I’m not going to reinvent the wheel, here, folks. You can read anywhere and everywhere about not texting at the table, while other people are talking, during a public performance, etc. What I want to emphasize to you is that texting is the least personal type of communication there is—it’s like interpersonal shorthand. That’s awesome if you just want to ask a friend to save you a seat in the movie theater. Not awesome if you want to break up with someone.

  Avoid texting important conversations about the beginning or end of relationships, medical diagnoses or other major life events. It comes off as uncaring because it doesn’t respect or include the other person in what should be a two-way conversation. Important talks should happen in person or, if absolutely necessary due to distance, over the phone—but never in texts.

  Oh, and watch the ring tones. Keep them simple. Not everyone shares your humor or musical taste, and they shouldn’t have to hear it.

  How Much is Too Much?

  Remember that whole reciprocity thing? Friendships and conversations are, we’ve said, like a tennis match or a teeter-totter. They have to be balanced to work. When one side overwhelms the other, it’s no fun and an awfully short game. The same thing is true for digital communication.

  While there’s no hard and fast rule about the maximum number of texts, IMs, tweets or wall posts you can send to someone before you’ve officially gone from fun to creepy, look to the “level of friendship” to help you decide what to do. How often you can “safely” message without becoming a pest depends on how close your friendship is, how important the information is, and the time of day (I got an unimportant text at 6am today—not cool). Consider what it might feel like on the other side of your messages.

  Imagine each new burst of messages you send as a
new conversation. Check for reciprocity. Are you contacting this person about as much as she contacts you? Are you balancing the teeter totter? If you’re overdoing it, the other person will feel annoyed quickly. Back off! Wait to be contacted before you send anything more.

  On the other side, don’t leave him hanging. If this is someone you like and want to keep as a friend (or more), be sure you are, in fact, replying to messages. Otherwise, it’s as if you’ve walked away from the teeter totter and left your friend to fall flat on his bum.

  Socrates Again

  Do you remember the Socrates Triple-Filter Test? What goes for the spoken word also goes for the written word—maybe even more so. Therefore, if you don’t remember anything that you’ve just read about netiquette, remember impulse control. Wait!!! Before you send anything to anyone, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it kind or good? Is it useful or necessary? If it passes the filters, go ahead. Otherwise, hit delete, and refresh your mind.

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  The Loveliest Curve and an Open Door

  Beauty and Chivalry are Alive and Well

  Need-to-Knows

  • To the right girl or guy, your quirky self is the most attractive person in the world.

  • No guy or girl is worth crying over. And the one who is won’t make you cry.

  • Nothing is more attractive than confidence, courtesy and self-respect.