The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  • “Beautiful” and “hot” are NOT the same thing.

  • Being a “lady” means having self-respect and confidence.

  • Being a “gentleman” means having common sense and good manners.

  Asperkid Logic

  My dad had a line that absolutely ticked me off every time he said it. Although, being an Aspie himself, I’m pretty sure he didn’t notice that. Anyway, more than any other reprimand he could toss my way, “That’s not very ladylike” was the most aggravating of them all. Was I supposed to cross my ankles and lift my pinkie? I was going to be a woman of the twenty-first century, after all. “Ladylike” sounded awfully old-fashioned and maybe even offensive, if you asked me.

  Of course, he didn’t ask me, and neither did anyone else. Which, apparently, turned out to be a very good thing, because (as in many other times in my life), I was being very loudly, very boldly—wrong. I’ll get back to this.

  Fast forward to college, when I briefly dated a really nice guy from outside of New Orleans, Louisiana—that’s the “Deep South” for those of you not familiar with the United States. While I’ve now lived in the American South for my entire adult life, his “old-fashioned” manners were so much a part of him and his culture—and so different than what I was used to—that they made a real impression. He held doors open for me, held up my coat to make it easier to get on, that sort of thing. It was old-school, yes, and in fact, I remember telling him that I so appreciated his being a “gentleman.” Though the word was as “old-fashioned” as “lady,” we both knew I meant it as a compliment. And he took it as such.

  Weird. As a child, I’d rebelled against the word “lady,” yet here I was pleased to know a gentleman. Well, the world is full of ever-changing social labels and rules. What a word meant fifty years ago isn’t necessarily what it means now. Like society, words evolve and change. And while the words “lady and gentlemen” probably sound as dusty to you as they did to me, the truth is that the NT world (and quite a few Aspies) adores people who ARE ladies and gentlemen. Why? Ladies and gentleman of ANY age are people whose behavior is centered around courtesy, dignity and sincerity. Rather nice qualities, those.

  Girls, you may think your goal is for guys to think of you as “hot.” Guys, you may think that no matter what, girls will only ever choose the jerk over the nice guy. This rule is about why you’re both wrong. Nothing is more attractive than confidence, courtesy and self-respect. And, even if we ARE confident, courteous and respect ourselves, how do we show it to everyone else? I’m so glad you asked. Let’s talk. Ladies first.

  ASPERGIRL to ASPERGIRL: Short Skirts and Fruit Loops

  When I was in high school, I was cast as the lead in the musical Damn Yankees. My part, Lola, was a vamp—“Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets,” by means of “A Little Brains, A Little Talent” with the emphasis on the “talent.” And Lola’s talent was winning men. She was—and therefore I had to be—“hot.” Dancing and singing about in front of 1000 people a night, I stripped down to fishnets and lace. “Dictionary Brain” had shaken up the scene, indeed. And it made quite an impression on the student body.

  It also made quite an impression on me. In the span of one weekend, I literally went from having almost no social life to feeling like the honeypot surrounded by awfully hungry bees. Boys were everywhere. Calling, flirting. Walking me here or driving me there. There were party invitations every weekend. It felt like I was Alice through the looking glass, and I did NOT want to leave.

  But fellow Aspergirls, I learned that when you are put up on a pedestal, you can get knocked down fast. No one looks you in the eye as an equal when you’re up there. They look at you like an object. And every object is disposable. Which is why it annoys me to no end that the world now uses the word “hot” to mean “beautiful.” They are NOT the same thing, and the difference between them is where I got very lost. And very hurt.

  In the simplest of terms, the “hot” girl is the one all the boys are staring at. The “beautiful” girl is the one all the girls are staring at. The “hot” girl needs attention, and gets it. She will be “hit on” and approached by lots of guys. The “beautiful” one may not be—she can intimidate insecure people. She’s intelligent, she is kind, she’s confident in who she is, and she seeks the beauty in other people.

  Learn to be her by learning to be the best you. How?

  Keep looking yourself in the eye, improving what you want to improve, and reminding yourself that you are here for an unique purpose which no one else can fill. We Aspergirls are Fruit Loops in a world full of Cheerios. We make life more colorful for everyone.

  I want you to grow into a beautiful “lady”—not an old fogy. An independent, compassionate, stylish chick who is authentic, but not perfect. Be good to your friends, good to whomever you love, good to your family, and always good to yourself. You will succeed and stumble over many things in your life. Do both with grace (not volume), humility (not showing off), and the NT truth that your behavior affects other people. That’s why how you succeed and stumble will determine the way the world treats you.

  A “lady” is made by how she chooses to behave. Because how you behave is entirely your choice, you get to choose to be a lady…or not. Will you take the time to say please, thank you, and I’m sorry even to people who “don’t matter”? Will you be generous and realize that there is always something to be thankful for? Will you take care to keep your body healthy, your vocabulary creative, and your mind curious?

  Aim now to become a “lady” later. An “Asperlady.” Be inspiring. Be courteous and respectful in the ways NTs expect you to be (which is everything you’ve just read about in this book!). Show that you will speak up for yourself, are gracious, honest, fair and dignified (“WOO!”). And what else?

  • Study. Educated people get to make things happen. Work hard and learn as much as you can (just remember to share it little bits at a time).

  • Your loveliest curve is your smile. Wear it often. Show it off.

  • Boys make GREAT friends.

  • Remember: Hygeia and Aphrodite were BFFs for a reason.

  • Swearing is for those who are not creative enough to express themselves well.

  • Styles change. Bodies are different shapes. Some looks are ALWAYS classic: well-tailored, neutral colors (plus black) in natural fibers (like cotton) are great basics. You can jazz things up from there with whatever accessories make you you.

  • There are very subtle differences (soooo hard for Aspergirls to see!) between confident, questionable, and trashy. Don’t walk the line. Leave a little something to the imagination. Go for “beautiful” over “hot.” As one male friend of mine put it, the more clothes a girl has on when she meets a guy directly equals how long he imagines the relationship. Showing everything at once doesn’t say “confident chick” it says “insecure, desperate object.” That’s how you win attention, but it’s NOT how you win hearts.

  • In make-up and in clothing, choose one feature to emphasize at a time. Make-up: strong eyes or lips, not both. Clothes: spotlight a bit of one part of you. Pair a short skirt with long sleeves, or choose a more fitted top with jeans or khakis.

  • If you aren’t sure what to wear to an event, ask the host.

  • Guys are people, too. If you are asked out (which takes major guts!) by someone you don’t want to date, you don’t have to go. But do have the courtesy to say so rather than avoiding him or lying. That’s just mean. “I’m sorry, I just don’t think we’re a match,” is a perfectly polite answer.

  • Remember: no boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won’t make you cry.

  Humbly own your successes AND your blunders. You don’t need to brag, and you don’t need to beat yourself up. You need only to get into a habit of telling yourself out loud, every day that, “I am beautiful. And I am enough.”

  HEY, YOU GUYS! Manly Men

  I realize that I am a bit biased, but I happen to think my husband is a total hunk. He’s handsome, stro
ng and smart. He’s a guy’s guy. AND, he’s also a complete gentleman. I tell you this right away, guys, in case for one minute you think being a “gentleman” is, well, being a prissy loser. Wrong. It also doesn’t mean being a “nice guy” who lets everyone walk all over him.

  Being a “gentleman” means having common sense and good manners. It means acting in a way which other guys respect and, quite frankly, girls will love. Primarily you do it by being honest, trustworthy (very Aspie!) and respectful. That’s where your active listening and flexible thinking skills come in (reread “Mirror! Mirror!” and “Broken Spaghetti,” mini-chapters 9 and 11, for refreshers). After all, people respect those who respect them.

  Why be a gentleman? What’s in this for you? OK, I’m going to cut to the chase. It’ll earn you money and win the ladies. Men who learn to be gentlemen will go further in whatever careers they choose and are more attractive to women (I know. I am one).

  Your goal is to make other people feel comfortable around you—which is tough if you’re not too comfortable around other people. But don’t worry. You don’t have to be Mr. Smooth. You just have to use the conversation tools we’ve already covered:

  • make eye contact if you are comfortable

  • use his/her name (it shows you are paying attention and sets others at ease)

  • ask questions rather than talking about yourself or your interests

  • introduce yourself (don’t wait for the other person to start)

  • skip the swearing—it doesn’t make you sound cool, it makes you sound dumb.

  And there’s one more really important thing: chivalry.

  You Mean Like Knights?

  When I say chivalry, if you know the word at all, you probably think of the Knights of the Round Table or something along those lines. Guys, I am not telling you to go out and get yourself a chain-mail suit of armor. Chivalry, as I would define it, is at the core of how you interact with girls and women. This is the stuff I picked up on in college, and what drew me to my husband. Chivalry is understanding that women are equal to men in intellect and ability, but recognizing that we are not, in fact, men.

  What you like about girls is most probably what sets them apart from you. Their shape, their voice, even their smell. We are, after all, different from you. Personally, I very much like being a girl. I have no doubt that I am as smart or capable (or brave) as any male I’ve ever met. So, to me and to many girls, acts of chivalry feel like little “kindness gifts.” You’re showing respectful appreciation for femininity—that is, for girls and women and all we are and can do. For example? Well, there are lots, but some good basics are:

  • Open doors for a girl (including the car door, which you should close after she’s seated).

  • Walk beside her when going up a flight stairs, not behind her.

  • Walk along the street’s edge if you are walking together.

  • Offer your seat if a girl (or an older person) comes to a table or a room that is full.

  • Always offer to see a girl safely home (whether by driving or walking her there).

  • Help her put on her coat.

  • Introduce her by name to any acquaintances you see when out together.

  • Offer her your coat if it’s cold and she doesn’t have one.

  • Never kiss and tell, and never believe the stories of guys who do.

  In fairness, some girls may feel challenged by gestures you mean to be gentlemanly. No worries. Just respect the opinion of someone who doesn’t seem to want a door held or refuses when you offer your seat.

  Now, while I do know what it’s like to be an Aspie, and a girl, I don’t know what it’s like to be an Asperguy. Conveniently, however, I happen to be married to one. My husband, John, is good-looking and friendly, but he was painfully shy growing up and absolutely terrified of girls. Mostly, he says, that was because he had no idea what was going on in their minds and was absolutely terrified of rejection.

  Time has given him perspective, though, so I decided to do a little Q&A. I asked him to imagine being able to sit at a table and talk with his teenaged self. What would he, as an adult Asperguy, most want to let his younger self know? Here’s what he said…

  John’s Turn: The Asperguy’s Inside Perspective

  • I could never understand the pretty girl with the jerk-of-a-guy phenomenon. Looking back on it, I did a lot of complaining about it but I never did anything about it. I never asked. A lot of times, the nice guys get passed over because they don’t ask.

  • You can’t control whether a girl says yes to a date, and you have no real idea of why she might say no. Your goal has to be getting up the nerve to ask in the first place. That’s the only thing you can control. And she can’t say yes if you don’t ask in the first place.

  • Before you ask a girl out, you have to have some type of rapport—some conversation beyond just an introduction. Otherwise, you come off as weird or scary, and no girl is going to say yes to a date with someone she doesn’t feel comfortable with.

  • Girls like it when you plan dates. I didn’t realize that and ended up looking unprepared when I meant to be easy-going. (Jennifer here: Before you go on a date, plan the evening—make a reservation, know the movie times. This shows you’ve put thought into the date, and that the girl matters to you.)

  • She can’t read your mind. She doesn’t know what compliments you may have in your mind unless you say them out loud. She also doesn’t know if something’s bothering you unless you say so.

  • Don’t kiss and tell. What happens between the two of you stays between the two of you. Do not discuss her feelings with your friends, either. She’s telling you in confidence, so keep it quiet.

  • Girls are people, too. Even though you may find her beautiful, she may not think it of herself. She’s a person, just like you, with her own insecurities. Even if you have butterflies at the thought of her, no one is too out of reach to at least TALK to.

  • Just be yourself, and everything really does turn out for the best.

  And keep in mind the grooming tips we’ve already covered. Dress for the occasion, and keep the cologne to a minimum. Oh, and though it seems weird, just trust me—pay attention to your shoes. They matter a lot more to girls than you realize. Ask a sales girl at a store like J.Crew or Abercrombie and Fitch to help you put together outfits (and shoes!), and while you’re at it, show off the gentleman you know you are.

  Last: guys, a beautiful girl doesn’t need another admirer. She wants to be around people who see her as an equal, not as an object. And most importantly, she has to find something beautiful about you. So be your true, quirky self. To the right girl, that’s the most attractive guy she’ll ever meet.

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  There’s More for Dinner than Mashed Potatoes

  Missing the Bigger Picture

  Need-to-Knows

  • Aspies see beauty in pieces and parts; NTs prefer to focus on the total picture.

  • The NT world expects us to get the “big idea” or “gestalt.”

  • Active Listening Skills (“Mirror! Mirror!”) and Signal Words help you hear someone’s main idea.

  • “Palm Reading” can help you find the main idea in anything written.

  • You must be able to accurately take information in to be able to support your own ideas and opinions.

  Asperkid Logic

  My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. In the United States, Thanksgiving is about a month before Christmas, and it’s really the official kick-off to the winter season. The purpose of Thanksgiving is—obviously—to give thanks for the blessings in our lives. But let’s be honest, the real focus of the day is Thanksgiving Dinner. When you’re young, you may get stuck at the “kids’ table” with cousins you barely know and maybe an annoying sibling or two—but none of that really matters once the plates start filling with the most scrumptious feast of the year. Candied sweet potatoes and cornbread dressing, mashed, buttery potatoes, cranberry sauce, warm rolls, roast tur
key, green beans, secret casserole recipes that only come out once a year…only to be followed by fruit pies and chocolate cakes, spiced cider, and the season’s first Christmas cookies. It’s a feast for the eyes, the nose and the mouth.

  Warning: I’m about to sound like an English teacher for just a second (I was, so I guess it’s not too much of a stretch), but don’t worry. It’ll be over quickly. What would you say was the topic of the paragraph you just read? You’d probably not have too much trouble agreeing that I was talking about Thanksgiving. And you’d be right.

  OK, next question: what was the main idea? Now that—for some Aspies—is quite a bit harder. We’ll get back to this.

  When we are first being diagnosed, one of the “Aspie traits” psychologists look for is a fascination with “parts” of things, rather than with the “whole thing.” So for instance, an Asperkid might be absolutely intrigued by the way an axel and wheel work together to make the tires spin, but not have much interest at all in making up imaginary play with a bunch of toy cars. An Aspie might be amazed at the way individual notes or musical rhythms function, or by interlocking hundreds of Legos, or fitting together complex jigsaw puzzles, unraveling grammar and word functions, or cataloging individual chemical elements.

  We Aspies see beauty in those pieces and patterns. They’re hypnotic and ordered. They are beautiful in their simplicity, and also in their complexity. It’s no wonder we can get lost for hours in all of those pieces. Sometimes I feel sorry for NTs. They really don’t appreciate how many patterns, connections and rhythms they miss by focusing on bigger ideas.

  Actually, NTs see our interest in parts as somewhat troubling. They say that getting lost in pieces causes us to miss the “bigger picture” or point (they’d say “gestalt”). That makes some sense. If we focus all of our attention on ingredients, we have less time or energy to look at a whole idea or thing.