Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody

by Joe Canzano

  The nerve of this guy, trying to keep me from getting killed.

  “I’m sorry, Ricardo. I overreacted. I guess it wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “That’s okay,” he said with a grin. “It’s part of what makes you so loveable.”

  The radio signaled and Blurr was on the line again. He said, “Okay, so now that we’ve gotten the Heartbreaker business out of the way, let’s see what’s going on with you three. Here’s the plan, Suzy: You will land your vessel in the hangar of this ship. You will not self-destruct or resist in any idiotic or suicidal way. If you do, our attack ships will go after all the ships carrying your ‘innocent’ theater friends and have them arrested for piracy. You can take the word ‘arrest’ to be a euphemism for something worse—and Ricardo, you can look up the meaning of the word ‘euphemism’ in the dictionary. Anyway, we’re off to a friendly start. That’s all for now.”

  Ricardo switched off the line. “This guy sounds like a major league asshole. And ‘asshole’ is a euphemism for ‘complete and total asshole. ‘ ”

  Maria said, “Maybe we should just tell him where the brain is.”

  “I don’t know where it is,” Ricardo said. “Only Suzy knows that, right?”

  Suzy didn’t say anything. Outside, she watched a flickering swarm of attack craft surround the ship—but she found herself thinking about her grandmother. What would she do in this situation? Probably have a drink and reload. But Suzy didn’t feel like drinking.

  She suddenly knew her talk about a suicidal last stand was stupid. Sure, it would do in a pinch, but she wasn’t at that pinch-point yet. Besides, she wanted to kill Blurr and now here he was, big as life. With a grim laugh she wondered if this was actually an opportunity.

  Up ahead she saw Blurr’s ship. It was a big, rumbling frigate, and the hangar at the rear was open like a taunting mouth. Suzy didn’t say anything as she switched on the autopilot that would guide their vessel to a perfect landing. Then she got up and unstrapped her pistol from her thigh and placed it in a compartment in the cockpit.

  Ricardo watched her with curiosity. “You’re leaving your gun?”

  “Yeah. They’d only take it away from me—and I want it to be here when I return. And I plan to return.”

  The ship touched down on the smooth deck and the hangar shield closed behind it. The shield was a shimmering energy field that acted like a door to the vacuum outside, but it was more stylish than a door, and easier to open and close. It also kept the atmosphere in place, provided the power was on.

  She noticed a collection of small attack craft sitting in the hangar. This was worth remembering, she thought. After all, it’s hard to escape from a spaceship without another spaceship. Every long shot had to be filed away, ready for that instant when it would become the only shot.

  Suzy knew she had to stay calm, but she was itching to lose her temper. She was anxious to show how impulsive and violent she could be. A group of armed people in body armor advanced toward her ship, but there was no sign of Blurr. A tall black guy seemed to be in charge.

  Suddenly, Suzy noticed Ricardo was gone. Then he was back. “Had to hit the head,” he said. “Head” was ship talk for “toilet”—terminology leftover from an ancient time when people were nicer. Wait—not true. They’d been a bunch of murdering assholes back then, too.

  Ricardo hit a button and the landing ramp was lowered. Then they marched down.

  They were immediately surrounded by a goon squad waving blinking devices and eye scanners. They were also poked and patted down, police style. Suzy rolled her eyes in disgust. Despite all the sophisticated technology, there was still a hand that needed to be shoved into her crotch.

  The tall black guy looked them over. “Hello,” he said. “My name is Captain Banks. We have a few questions for you. As long as you cooperate, there won’t be any trouble.”

  Suzy rolled her eyes. “Can we cut the bullshit, please? These two don’t know anything, and I’m not talking to anyone until you let them go. And there’s probably going to be lots of trouble.”

  Banks gave her a level stare. “I assume you’re ‘Suzy Spitfire.’ ”

  “Good guess. And you’re Blurr’s top droid, right? The thug-puppet with two extra IQ points.”

  “Are you trying to get on my good side?”

  “If you’re working for Blurr, you don’t have a good side.”

  “Strong words, coming from a wanted killer.”

  “I never killed anyone I wouldn’t kill again. Take me to your asshole boss.”

  Banks paused. “Let’s go.”

  They were marched through the stark metal passageways until they reached a cellblock. But these cells were nothing like the brig on the Heartbreaker. These were cramped and desolate, with a bed, a toilet, and a dim, glowing light from above that served to highlight an occupant’s feeling of hopelessness. It was hard to watch as Ricardo and Maria were led away to different cells.

  Ricardo smiled at the guards as they were separated. “Hey, wouldn’t it be cheaper to put us all in the same room?”

  The guard just grunted and shoved him along. Ricardo looked back at Suzy and waved his hand.

  She lifted her hand in return. It felt heavy. She wanted to scream and shout and run down the hall with him—but she just waved. She closed her eyes and tried to squash her feeling of despair beneath a weight of dead, dull rage.

  She was put in a cell of her own and the metal door clanged shut. There was no window. There was only a dull glimmer of light around the edges of the ceiling.

  She decided to lie down on the rock-hard bed, flat on her back. Her mind was whirling. She realized how tired she was but knew she would never sleep. There was no way.

  Was she asleep now? Her father was talking to her. He was explaining things. He was always explaining things, but this time it was different. He was raising his voice, something he rarely did. He was red in the face with cheeks like a bullfrog, something she’d never seen.

  “How can you blame us for this, Suzy? She had a condition—a diagnosed medical condition!”

  “Yeah! She had depression and it was caused by the way you ignored the real problem and told her to act like it never happened!”

  “That’s not true! You’re simplifying things, but you don’t understand the science.”

  “Really? Do I need a fucking PhD to understand that you were a coward and now she’s dead? You totally failed her—and so did I! I should’ve helped. We should’ve done something!”

  In the corner of the room, her mother was sobbing. Outside the window, a black hearse was parked on the street.

  And then the dream ended. With a sharp breath, Suzy jerked herself awake.

  The vivid scene faded and the grey reality returned. The door to her cell was swinging open and two blank-faced goons stood there. She scowled at them as they cuffed her hands behind her back and led her down a passageway made of steel and lined with bolts and beams. For some reason, everything was painted a friendly shade of baby blue—but she expected the friendly vibe to end soon enough.

  She expected a trip to a dark and dirty interrogation room, but it didn’t happen. Instead, she was led to a cozy, whitewashed office with shiny acrylic furniture and a porthole that displayed a smiling sea of stars. She was forced to sit in a transparent plastic chair that was opposite a translucent blue desk—and then Blurr walked in.

  She caught her breath and felt her heart pound.

  She hadn’t actually seen him for years, but here he was, looking the same—the cropped blond hair, the baby blue eyes, and the shiny, ivory smile. And still so smug!

  Blurr grinned at Suzy and then sat down behind the desk.

  “Suzy, you’ve really grown up,” he said. “You look great.”

  “It’s the handcuffs,” she said with a glare. “The silver color compliments my hair.”

  He laughed. “If I take them off you might try to kill me, and then I’d have to kill you—and I’d rather not do that.”

  �
��I’m touched. Thanks for your consideration.”

  “Just relax. If I take them off, will you behave?”

  “You murdered my father, Blurr. What do you think?”

  Blurr looked at the guards. “Take them off and wait outside. But send Banks in here.”

  As they unsnapped the cuffs, Blurr produced his new Smith & Wesson pistol. Then Captain Banks came into the room and stood by the door. He was also armed.

  Blurr leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Suzy, your eyes look like razor blades, but let me talk, okay? I respected your father for his brilliant mind, but one day he threatened to expose highly classified information and I couldn’t let that happen. I tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen. You know how he could be, right? Well, that’s how he was—he didn’t want to hear it. I did everything I could to try and save him, and I didn’t kill him. But it ended with an unfortunate situation, like the one with Aiko. He got hit with a stun shot, and he broke his neck when he hit the ground—and no one was more upset about it than I was.”

  He sighed and shook his head.

  Suzy studied his face. “I heard the story differently, Blurr; I heard it from someone who wasn’t lying.”

  “I just told you the truth.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Think about it some more. And then think about your options.”

  That’s funny, she thought. I’ve been sitting here doing exactly that.

  Blurr had a gun, and the thug behind her had a gun. Who was slower? Options.

  “Why don’t you go over them for me?” she said. “I’m a little too tired to think.”

  Blurr shrugged. “There’s a writing implement over here,” he said, pointing to a pen on the desktop. “You could grab this in your right hand, leap up and stab Banks in the neck—a nice hard stab would be great. While he’s busy going into shock, you reach down with your left hand and grab his gun. Then you spin back around and maybe sidestep a quick shot from me and fire a shot of your own. If you get lucky, you kill us both. At the very least, you wipe that dead-fish stare from Banks’s face.” Blurr smiled. “The other option would be to just try for my gun, but you’d get nowhere with that one. Bad plan.”

  Suzy crinkled her forehead and considered. “Thanks. You’ve been real helpful. But I think I’ll just take my chances with the goon squad in the hall. They seem dumber and slower than you guys. And this guy behind me looks like he can’t wait to do some harm.”

  “Yeah. He thinks you’re a criminal.”

  “Doesn’t everybody?”

  “No. I think you’re someone who has information I need, and I think you’re someone I can deal with.” He leaned forward and stared at her with eyes like burning blue marbles. “The AI was your father’s life’s work. I’m sure he wanted it to be preserved, and we just want to make that happen. So where is it?”

  “No comment.”

  “Aiko didn’t tell you?”

  “You killed Aiko. One more reason I’m going to kill you, Blurr.”

  “It’s bad to keep making empty threats, Suzy.”

  “They’ll seem less empty when I’m blowing your head off.”

  “You’re such a friendly girl. Does the solar system realize you’re still single?”

  “Does your wife realize she’s married to a sociopath?”

  Blurr motioned toward Banks, who was listening with a blank expression.

  “Tough room,” Blurr said. “Banks, why don’t you step outside? I have a couple of personal things to discuss with Suzy. I wouldn’t want to embarrass her.”

  Banks raised his eyebrows. Suzy noticed he also gave her a curious look.

  “Okay,” Banks said, and he left.

  “All right,” Blurr said. “Let’s talk about money.”

  She gave him a snort. “Let’s not. Short conversation.”

  “Are you sure? What would you say if I told you the real reason I want the brain is to sell it to a foreign government? And that I would be willing to cut you in on the deal?”

  She leaned toward him a bit. “I would say I don’t trust you one bit. I’d also say I don’t want to be in business with a guy who murdered my father and killed my best friend.”

  “I already told you, that’s not how it happened—and what about your grandmother? She needs a new heart, right? You’d have enough money to get her one. You’d have enough to help out your mother, too—and you’d have enough to move to one of the city-states that doesn’t give a crap about Earth and then live like a queen.”

  “Blurr, I’m not interested in your blood money. Are we done?”

  “Suzy, I’m offering you a way out of this mess that also makes you rich... I don’t care about the murder. Leonardo was a piece of shit who got what he deserved. I also don’t care if you shot at a few cops—most of them are incompetent, donut-sucking slobs. And I don’t care about your other crimes; you were doing what you had to do. But don’t be stupid. There’s another way for me to go with this and it won’t be so sweet. Not for you, not for your friends—and not for your family. This is a no-brainer.”

  “Thanks. Why are you being so nice to me, Blurr? Guilt?”

  “Not at all. But I liked your father, and I like you. Think about it.”

  Suzy didn’t want to think. She wanted to spit in Blurr’s face—but she didn’t. Instead, she said nothing.

  Blurr called the guards back into the room.

  “Take her to her cell,” he said. “And watch her carefully on the way.” Then he grinned. “She might try to escape.”

  Chapter 27

  Suzy was amused by Blurr’s words. She had every intention of trying to escape, and she wondered if he really did expect it.

  The two thugs were shoving her down the blue passageway toward the lift. There was a gorilla-sized guy and a chimp-sized woman, but Suzy preferred to fight the guy. He was probably stronger, but he had those little testicles.

  Her mind was racing like a carnival ride, and the ride would be crashing to a stop very soon, right back in her cell—so she had to act fast. The first problem was the handcuffs. The second problem was where to go once they were gone. Could she make it to the hangar deck? Could she steal a spaceship? Could she out-fly, outfight, and out-maneuver all those attack craft outside?

  The odds were long, but the alternative was worse. In a way, Blurr’s offer had bought her some time. Did he really believe she’d accept? Maybe she should pretend to accept and then kill him when the chance appeared. But the chance wouldn’t appear. There was no way he would trust her—he would be pretending as well. He would kill her and Ricardo and Maria as soon as he knew where the brain was stashed. Besides, she didn’t want to play it that way.

  She wanted to escape, and she wanted to do it now—and that would need to start with the handcuffs.

  The cuffs had a lock that was coded with a thumbprint, and Suzy knew only certain people were coded to open the lock. She knew one of those people was the female thug who’d put them on.

  Suzy was good with her feet. She had no formal training, but she practiced kickboxing whenever she got the chance—it was fun. But it would be hard to overpower both of these people with just her feet; she wasn’t that good. The best plan was to wait until they removed the cuffs in her cell. She’d only get one shot.

  They approached the cellblock, but it wasn’t really a “block.” There were no guards at a front gate; it was just a passageway with some cells. There were surveillance cameras, but she wasn’t going to be fighting for long—besides, she’d learned that cameras were only as good as the people watching, and a lot of people don’t watch too well because most of the time there’s nothing to see. They get bored.

  The door to the cell was also opened with a thumbprint—interesting. Would the same thumb open all these doors?

  The male goon opened the door to Suzy’s cell, while the female goon pushed Suzy inside. Suzy noted how the guy stepped forward to block the door with his wall-sized body, and she noted the exact distance b
etween herself and his beer-belly. Then the female guard went behind Suzy to remove the cuffs. Suzy heard them unclasp—but she didn’t wait for them to be removed. With one quick motion, she whirled around and kicked the guy blocking the door. It was a perfect shot, right in the balls.

  She watched as the fury on his face turn to crumpled agony, and then she slammed into him with her shoulder. He outweighed her by a good bit, but she wasn’t trying to knock him down—she just wanted him out of the way. Mission accomplished.

  She slid past him and shook off the cuffs. The female guard was shouting, “Hey! Stop!” while fumbling for her gun. Awesome—the girl was a fumbler. It cost her, too, because Suzy had the guy’s gun now and she shot the woman in the neck.

  Meanwhile, the guy gave a grunt and grabbed Suzy around her legs. Bad idea, big guy. She shot him in the back.

  She noted the variable power clips were set to fire stun bullets. That was fine—but she’d up the power if she saw Blurr. She grabbed the woman’s gun, along with an extra clip, and then ran down the passageway, banging on cell doors.

  “Ricardo! Maria!”

  “In here!”

  She ran back to the stunned female guard. She dragged the girl down the passageway and yanked her arm up high, pressing her thumb into the door lock. It opened, and there was Ricardo.

  “Suzy!” His arms wrapped around her in a fierce hug. “Are you okay?”

  She hugged him back—it was quick but it felt good. “I’m okay but we have to move.” She was happy to see that he looked unharmed. “Where’s Maria?” she said.

  She handed him the extra gun as he pointed to the next cell to the right. Suzy dragged their human dust mop/guard over to Maria’s cell and opened that door, too.

  Maria also gave her a quick hug. “Where are we going?” she said.

  “To the hangar deck,” Suzy replied. Then an alarm started to shriek.

  They started running down the passageway. Suzy knew how to get to the hangar because she’d taken care to memorize the route when they’d been brought to their cells. Luckily, it wasn’t far. In fact, the cells were located in the aft of the ship, almost directly above the hangar. We just need to go down three decks, check our luggage, and go. And we don’t have any luggage.