Amber's Blind Date
Page 2
Celery:
so am i. ghosts get free apps at chili's
i read it on wikipedia
Nora:
Ugh. You are so infuriating!
And what kind of name is "Celery" anyway?
Celery:
my mother is a vegan
Nora:
So? My mother is a lawyer. She didn't name me "Testimony."
Celery:
she should have. youre testy AND moany
Amber:
I'm here.
I'm okay.
Celery:
there go my free ghost apps
Nora:
What is happening? Where are you?
Amber:
I'm with Kevin
My heart is beating so fast.
Celery:
sounds like true love!
Amber:
No! Well, maybe. idk
I mean, my heart is beating because I was running
I'm so out of breath
Celery:
nora, please don't harass amber for being so out of shape
she's been through a lot and thats not helpful
Amber:
For real, Nora. Stop being mean.
Nora:
I'm not being mean!
Amber, WTF happened?
Amber:
After Redhead got hit by the car I checked to make sure Kevin was okay
But she jumped up and came at us!
She was all limping and wobbly cause she got hit by a car, but she shot at us!
Kevin couldn't see anything that was happening, obvs, so I grabbed his hand and we ran away
Nora:
OMG. Where are you now?
Amber:
We're hiding in my car
But she's still out there looking for us
I'm so scared!
Nora:
You have to get as far away as you can.
Amber:
I just told you she's still out there!
If we get out of the car she'll see us!
Nora:
You know, there's actually a method to get away *without* getting out of the car.
It's called "driving."
Amber:
Oh. Right
Good idea
On it
Nora:
I want you to drive straight to the police and tell them what happened.
Amber:
cunt
Nora:
Wow.
I'm just trying to help.
Amber:
* can't
sorry
Nora:
Why can't you?
Amber:
kev
in
druf
Nora:
What?
Amber:
Hes telling mr all abo
t
trouble h
Celery:
wtf. did you slam your hand in the car door?
Amber:
sory
driving
hrd to type
Nora:
Focus on driving!
Stop typing!
Celery:
noras right
stop typing
Nora:
Thank you!
Celery:
put the app on speech-to-text mode
itll listen and text us everything you say
Amber:
k
Awsom idea nora
Nora:
That was so not my idea.
Amber:
Do i turn on "tts"?
Celery:
lol no n00b
thats text-to-speech
that reads incoming texts out loud in creepy ai robot voice
hit stt = speech-to-text
Amber:
kk
[ AMBER enabled SPEECH-TO-TEXT ]
UNKNOWN VOICE 01 [Voice]:
"I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe she found me."
"Did she look really mad?"
UNKNOWN VOICE 02 [Voice]:
"Well, she was shooting at us, so yes. Pretty mad."
"Who is that girl anyway?"
[AMBER tagged 02 Speech-to-Text voices]
Kevin [Voice]:
"Her name is Sasha. She's a"
"Uh"
"Well, she's kind of a drug dealer."
Nora:
Oh no.
Amber. This is bad. You need to drop this guy off and get yourself out of this before you're in too deep.
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't understand. Why is there a drug dealer after you?"
"OMG, are you a drug dealer too?"
Celery:
wait, did you just say "omg" out loud?
i just said "lol" out loud
ijslolol
Kevin [Voice]:
"No! It's nothing like that."
"It's"
"It's a long story."
Amber [Voice]:
"Well start telling it."
Celery:
hold on. i'm getting popcorn
Kevin [Voice]:
"Okay. So."
"I wanted to do something really groundbreaking for my pharmaceutical chemistry thesis. Something really outside the box."
"I stumbled across these controversial studies that showed some cancers could theoretically be treated with MDMA."
Celery:
the midwest dildo manufacturing association?
Nora:
Uh, no.
Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
Celery:
da fuq?
Nora:
MDMA is a drug.
It's what they call "ecstasy." Or "molly" on the street.
Celery:
wow you are such an old lady
Amber [Voice]:
"Wait, you were trying to cure cancer with molly?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I was just trying to figure out if it was chemically possible. But to do my research I had to get my hands on a large enough sample to use in lab experiments."
"A friend of a friend introduced me to Sasha. I didn't have the money to get as much MDMA as I needed, so I worked out a deal with her."
"I told her if she'd give me the drugs up front I'd sell them to my rich-kid, med-school classmates and make her an obscene profit."
Amber [Voice]:
"But."
"What?"
"How could you sell the drugs and still do science on them?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"No no. You misunderstand."
"Becoming a dealer was just a ruse."
"I thought once I had a large sample to study I'd be able to get a research grant before Sasha came looking for her money, then I could pay her with money from that."
"I could have pulled it off too, except"
"I was working way too late one night. I went to the vending machine for a coffee, and forgot to put my safety goggles back on when I went back to work."
"A test tube under pressure exploded. Glass went into my eyes. The flash was the last thing I ever saw."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh Kevin, that's so sad."
Kevin [Voice]:
"After I lost my vision I couldn't continue my research."
"Everything fell apart."
"Now I'm out of time."
"Sasha wants her money or she's going to kill me."
"Probably both of us now."
"I'm sorry."
Nora:
Oh my God.
Amber, you are in so far over your head.
I don't care how cute this guy is.
The woman shot at you.
She's still out there.
YOU
NEED
TO
GO
TO
THE
POLICE
I'm not going to say it again.
Celery:
good, because its getting really monotonous
Kevin [Voice]:
>
"Wait, we're stopping. Why is the car stopping?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin, we have to go to the police."
Nora:
Yes. Finally.
Kevin [Voice]:
"I can't."
Amber [Voice]:
"Why not?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Because my research is, uh"
"Let's say it's in a legal gray area."
"Plus I'm in possession of five pounds of Schedule 1 drugs."
Celery:
five pounds?!
jesus
did his experiment involve using the stuff to pound in railroad spikes?
Kevin [Voice]:
"If the police get involved I'll go to jail. For a long time."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh Kevin, I'm so sorry."
Amber:
OMG you guys he's crying :-(
Celery:
i would be too
you know what they do to blind guys in prison
Amber:
What?
Celery:
theyre permanently "it" in marco polo
Nora:
Do you even know what prison is?
Or Marco Polo?
Kevin [Voice]:
"I feel so helpless."
"I'm so scared and I don't know what to do."
"Will you help me, Amber?"
"Please?"
"I don't have anyone else to turn to."
Amber:
Aww! You guys, what do I do?
Celery:
you help him, obviously
Nora:
I don't disagree, as such, but... how?
What can Amber possibly do to make this better?
Amber [Voice]:
"I... uh."
Celery:
ok, heres the solution
go back to kevins place and snort all the molly
that way the cops cant get him for possession
Nora:
Great plan. It also solves the whole problem of being chased by a gun-toting maniac, because who would want to shoot someone who is DEAD FROM OVERDOSING ON FIVE POUNDS OF ECSTASY?
Celery:
cool. so were in agreement
Nora:
We are not in agreement.
Amber [Voice]:
"I want to help you, Kevin."
"But we don't know what to do."
Kevin [Voice]:
"We?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Me!"
"Uh."
"Me don't know what to do."
Celery:
great. she's gone full cookie monster on us
Kevin [Voice]:
"I don't know either."
"I'm never going to get that money for Sasha."
"I am so doomed."
Celery:
wait
ive got it
amber, why don't YOU just sell the drugs
Nora:
What? No! She can't do that.
Amber:
I totally could
I always sold the most Girl Scout cookies and those aren't even addictive
Except Thin Mints
I don't know how anyone can open a sleeve and not eat the whole thing
Nora:
Stop.
I meant you can't MORALLY sell the drugs.
Celery:
well what else is she supposed to do with them?
she cant just take them back for a refund
Amber:
Hold up
Amber [Voice]:
"Hey, do you still have the receipt?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"For what?"
Amber [Voice]:
"The molly. Maybe we could just bring it back to Sasha."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Um, it was really more of a handshake agreement."
"But."
"Yeah."
"Maybe if we give back what I haven't used in my experiments it'll calm her down a little bit."
"This could work!"
Nora:
Wait. Think about what you're doing here.
This woman is actively trying to kill you.
You can't just waltz up to her and try to return your illegal drugs.
She is not Walmart, Amber.
Amber [Voice]:
"All right then, it's settled."
"We'll just go to Sasha and explain what happened, and we'll give her the molly, and everything will be fine."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Do you really think so?"
Nora:
No.
Celery:
hell no
Amber [Voice]:
"Absolutely. Let's do this!"
FRI 10:11 PM
Kevin [Voice]:
"Okay, first we have to go to my apartment and pick up the drugs."
"I'm at 132 Stillwater. Do you know where that is?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I can map it. Hold on."
"Okay, I got it."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Once we have the MDMA I'll call Sasha and tell her to meet up with us. We'll do it in a busy public place so she won't try anything shady."
Amber [Voice]:
"Sounds good."
Nora:
Sure. Because when you were on a busy street corner in front of a popular restaurant she only tried to shoot you.
Clearly she's very private about her murdering habits.
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'm so sorry I got you into this, Amber."
"Thank you for helping me."
"You can't begin to understand how much I appreciate everything you've done for me."
Amber [Voice]:
"Aww. I didn't really do anything."
"I mean, besides help you run away from an armed psychopath."
"Which I guess is something."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ha. Yeah, it is."
"But it's more than that."
"You saved my life AND you helped me run."
"Physically run."
Celery:
you gave him the runs lol
Kevin [Voice]:
"I used to go for a run around campus almost every day, but I haven't been able to since the accident."
"It felt so good to really work my legs again."
"But it was more than that."
"The wind on my face."
"My hand in yours."
"It felt like"
"Okay, this is cheesy but"
"It felt like freedom."
Celery:
kiss him
Nora:
Are you kidding?
This is not the time for kissing!
Celery:
this is totally the time!
"it felt like freedom"?
are you f'ing serious?
you're in the bone zone!
make your move girl!
Amber [Voice]:
"Ha. Okay."
"I'm just glad I didn't twist an ankle."
"I guess running in heels is my super power."
"They are giving me blisters though."
Celery:
srsly?
thats your move?
blisters?
your lack of game physically hurts me
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, we're here."
"Your place looks really nice!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Yeah, it's okay."
Amber [Voice]:
"It's got a lot of parking."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh. Yeah. I mean, not that I'm driving anymore, but I guess."
"So. Let's go in then."
Amber [Voice]:
"Cool. Here's your cane."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Thanks."
Celery:
wtf?
amber youre killing me
Amber:
What's wrong?
Celery:
nothing
>
except apparently youre trying to get into this dudes pants by boring them off
why did you even text me if youre not going to listen to my advice?
Amber:
What?
Oh crap!
I'm sorry, Celery!
I didn't see your text to kiss him until just now!
I was driving! I wasn't looking at my phone!
Celery:
well too late now
the moment is dead
Nora:
Oh. Hey.
Sorry to butt in, but
WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET AMBER LAID RIGHT NOW.
Celery:
you are the worst wing-girl ever, you know that?
Amber:
Oh man, this sucks
I'm going to put you on text-to-speech so I can hear you and I won't miss any more messages
Celery:
dude. your boys blind, not deaf
hell hear us
Amber:
It's all good. I've got my Bluetooth earbud in
Nobody will hear you but me
[ AMBER enabled TEXT-TO-SPEECH ]
Nora:
Wait.
So now your phone is texting your speech and speaking our texts?
We may as well just be using the telephone.
Amber:
Whoa. You're right
Nora:
I know.
Amber:
No, I mean, Celery was right
This app has a totally creepy AI voice
Nora, you sound like a snotty robot
Celery:
so it *is* just like using the telephone
Nora:
Just go get your stupid drugs.
Amber:
K. Getting out of the car and heading in now
Amber [Voice]:
"Hey Kevin."
"Okay, so, uh."
"Do you need help finding the gate?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Thanks, but I can manage."
"It's right up here on the left."
Amber [Voice]:
"Um. Right, actually."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Right? Weird."
"I'm used to it being on the left."
"You must have parked on the other side of it."
"Thanks."
"Hmm."
Amber [Voice]:
"What?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"My key isn't working."
"Oh damn it."
"I must have grabbed the wrong set of keys again."
"Since I took my car key off the ring my apartment keys and lab keys feel the same."
"I shouldn't have taken it off, but I hated the constant reminder that I'll never be able to drive again. It bummed me out."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's terrible. I'm sorry."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's fine."
"Hold on, I'll call my roommate to let us in."
"Crap. He's not answering."
Celery:
ffs stop farting around and just break in
Nora:
They can't break in.
They're in enough trouble already.
Celery:
nora, he lives there
you cant get in trouble for breaking into your own apartment
thats like getting in trouble for stealing your own lunch from the breakroom fridge
Amber [Voice]: