Amber's Blind Date
Page 3
"Maybe we can just break in."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Heh. Sorry. I left my lock picking set inside with my bandit mask and huge sack of money with a dollar sign on it."
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, maybe we can't break in, but what if"
"The fence isn't that high. If you boost me up I can get over and open the gate from the inside."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Are you sure?"
"I don't want you to get hurt."
Nora:
Says the guy who introduced you to a homicidal drug dealer with an NRA membership.
Amber [Voice]:
"I'll be fine. I know how to jump."
"I used to be a cheerleader."
Nora:
And the last time you used your cheerleading skills you ended up flipping into traffic.
So nothing could possibly go wrong.
Celery:
youre a very negative person
has anyone ever told you that?
Kevin [Voice]:
"Huh. All right. Well. I guess let's try it."
Amber [Voice]:
"Cool. Just knit your fingers together like this."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Like what?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Like what I'm doing."
Celery:
hes blind!
stop showing him and touch him already!
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh. Right."
"I mean, give me your hands."
"Okay, hold them like this."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wow."
Amber [Voice]:
"What?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Sorry, it's just"
"Your hands are so soft."
"It's nice to hold them."
Amber [Voice]:
"Aww."
"Thanks."
"I'm glad you can't see how much I'm blushing right now."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ha. Well, thanks for telling me."
"I'd hate to think you were making a stink face."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh, I am. It's just a blushing stink face."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Cute."
Celery:
hello?
are you going over the wall, or are you going to bang right there on the street?
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, get ready to boost me in three"
"Two"
"One!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Whoa!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Ack!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I wasn't ready!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Aagh! I'm falling!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ow! My nose!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Sorry! That was my knee!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Stop squirming!"
"I gotcha!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Hey! That's my butt!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Sorry! I just"
"Wait, why aren't you wearing pants?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm wearing a dress!"
"Your hand is up it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh God. I'm sorry!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Don't drop me!"
Celery:
why did we not do this as a video call?!
Amber [Voice]:
"I've got the top of the wall!"
"I'm going over!"
"Whaagh!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber! Are you okay?"
"Amber?"
Nora:
Crap. She knocked herself unconscious.
Celery:
and just when she was finally making progress with this guy
Nora:
Getting accidentally groped while being shoved over a wall by a blind man is not "making progress."
Celery:
some of us take what we can get, okay
one time a guy accidentally grabbed my boob when he was trying to steal my purse
we dated for two months
Nora:
I don't like you.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber? Oh God."
"I'm sorry!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm fine!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh thank goodness."
Amber [Voice]:
"I totally stuck the landing."
"S'all good."
Nora:
That's a relief.
Amber:
I'm lying
I landed on my ass so hard I think I cracked it in half
Celery:
wait. wasn't it already cracked in half?
or did you mean it cracked the other direction?
so now you have four butt cheeks?
thats going to look weird in a bathing suit
Amber [Voice]:
"And there we go."
"Boom."
"Gate is open."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Awesome. Thank you."
"Also, part of me wants to say I'm sorry for grabbing your butt."
"The other part of me just wants to say, holy crap girl do you go to classes or just spend all day doing squats?"
"It was like palming a bowling ball."
Amber [Voice]:
"For the record, blushing again."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I kinda am too."
"Though I guess you can see that."
Amber [Voice]:
"I totally can."
"It's adorable."
"And now it's getting darker."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ha. Okay. Yeah."
"Maybe we should just go get the drugs."
UNKNOWN VOICE 03 [Voice]:
"Hey! Hold it right there!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Who? Us?"
UNKNOWN VOICE 03 [Voice]:
"Yes you!"
"Hands where I can see 'em!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"What's happening?"
"Who is that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Security guard."
"He looks pissed."
Nora:
Oh no. I told you breaking in was a bad idea!
[CELERY tagged 01 Speech-to-Text voice]
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"What do you kids think you're doing?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Sorry, officer. There's been a misunderstanding."
"I live in this complex."
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Don't give me that crap! You just said you were breaking in to steal drugs!"
Nora:
Amber, you need to calm him down.
Just tell the truth and he'll back off.
Amber [Voice]:
"Officer, we're not here to steal anything."
Nora:
Good.
Amber [Voice]:
"We're just going to pick up five pounds of ecstasy and give it to a drug dealer."
Nora:
Less good.
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"What?!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ha haaa. Kidding. She's kidding."
"Listen, officer. There's a simple explanation."
"I live here. I just forgot my keys."
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Stop lying! You don't live here!"
Amber [Voice]:
"He does!"
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"He does not!"
"Mature Pines is a senior living community!"
"No residents under fifty-five allowed!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Mature Pines?"
"Amber, where are we?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't know!"
"I went where you told me to!"
"132 Stillwater Street!"
Kevin [Voice]:
/> "Oh. Ohh! Ha."
"Sorry, officer, there's the problem right there."
"I live at 132 Stillwater AVENUE."
"We went to the wrong address."
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Uh huh. A likely story."
"I'm gonna have to take you two into custody."
Amber [Voice]:
"Uh, no. It was just a stupid mistake. Sorry."
"We're leaving."
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"You punks aren't leaving until I say you're leaving!"
"Get over here!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Agh! Get off! Let go of me!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hey! Stop! Leave her alone!"
Nora:
What's happening?!
Amber [Voice]:
"Ow! What the hell?"
"You can't just handcuff me!"
"We didn't do anything!"
Nora:
Handcuffs?!
Did he just handcuff you?!
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Get down on the ground, dope fiend!"
"I'm calling the police! The real police!"
"You two can explain it all downtown!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Ack! Let go!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hey, get off her you creep!"
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Aagh! You hit me! How dare you?"
"Ow! Stop it! Stop!"
"This is assault with a deadly weapon!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's not a deadly weapon!"
"It's a guide cane!"
"And I'm guiding your ass to the ground!"
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Aghh! My back!"
Celery:
did kevin just beat the crap out of a rent-a-cop with his blind guy stick?
that is the most badass thing i ever heard
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, let's go! Before he gets up!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Take my hand!"
Grouchy Pig [Voice]:
"Get back here!"
"Dispatch, this is Mature Pines one niner!"
"Send backup to the front gate! Now now!"
Nora:
Amber, don't run!
Running will only make it worse!
Amber [Voice]:
"The car's right here! Get in!"
Nora:
Listen to me! You need to stop!
Amber [Voice]:
"Ugh. Mmm."
"Aagh. Dammit!"
Celery:
whats happening?
you sound like youre trying to squeeze into a pair of size zero pants
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh crap. Are those sirens?"
"I hear sirens!"
"Amber, what the hell are you doing?"
"Get in the car! Drive!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I can't!"
"That a-hole handcuffed me behind my back!"
"I can't wiggle out of them!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Crap!"
"Then I guess we have to make a run for it."
Amber [Voice]:
"We can't do that either!"
"We're in the middle of nowhere!"
"There's nowhere to run!"
"Oh no! I see the police car lights!"
"They're coming!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"What are we going to do?"
Nora:
Stay put.
Explain yourselves.
Apologize.
Say you were scared and confused.
Tell them Kevin has PTSD from the accident and he overreacted.
Celery:
or you could just let kevin drive
Nora:
What?! No!
Kevin is BLIND.
Celery:
so what? his hands and feet still work
and driving blindfolded is part of the test to get your license
Nora:
It is not!
Celery:
oh wait, im thinking of the pepsi challenge
lol i love the 80s
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin, put your hand in my pocket."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Why?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I need you to take my car keys."
"You're driving."
FRI 10:43 PM
Kevin [Voice]:
"Are you crazy? I can't drive!"
"I'm blind!"
Celery:
tell him to stop whining
blind people can totally drive
Nora:
They can not!
Celery:
then why do drive-up atms have braille on the buttons?
Amber [Voice]:
"You make a good point."
Nora:
It is not a good point!
Kevin [Voice]:
"I know I do!"
Nora:
Oh. Wait.
Amber, who were you talking to?
Kevin's point was totally good.
Tell me you were agreeing with Kevin's point.
Amber [Voice]:
"You can drive. You can do this."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I can't! I am literally, physically incapable!"
Nora:
AGAIN I AGREE WITH KEVIN'S POINT.
Amber [Voice]:
"Look, Kevin. I need you to believe in yourself, okay?"
"You know how to drive a car."
"You can do every part of it except see."
"You work the wheel and the pedals, I'll be your eyes."
"I'll tell you what to do!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, I CAN'T."
Amber [Voice]:
"Well then we're both going to jail, because the police just pulled up to the gate and the guard is pointing them this way."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Give me the keys."
Celery:
yeah! way to be handi-capable!
Nora:
It's not handi-capable!
It's straight-up insanity!
Amber, don't do this!
Kevin [Voice]:
"Okay. Which key is it?"
"This one?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No."
Kevin [Voice]:
"This one?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No."
Kevin [Voice]:
"This one?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No."
Celery:
how many keys do you have, woman?
are you a freakin' school janitor?
Amber [Voice]:
"That one!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"All right! Let's go!"
"Er. Go!"
"Damn it, where's the ignition?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Lower!"
"Looooower."
"Higher."
Nora:
Amber! For God's sake! He can't even figure out where to stick it in!
Celery:
most men cant. lol
Amber [Voice]:
"There! Push it and turn!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Yeah! I did it!"
"I started the car!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Now floor it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"We're not going anywhere!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Put it in drive and floor it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Right. Sorry!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Aaagh! That's reverse!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oops. Sorry. Here we go!"
Nora:
Oh God. Oh no. No no.
Amber [Voice]:
"Turn left!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Now?!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Now!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Agh! What was that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Nothing!"
"Anymore."
"It was a mailbox."
"STOP STOP STOP!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Aagh! What?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Red light."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh."
Nora:
OMG you are stressing me out.
I'm going to puke.
Kevin [Voice]:
"I hear sirens!"
"They're getting closer!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Cops behind us!"
"Green light!"
"Go!"
"Not straight!"
"Aaagh!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Where are we?!"
Amber [Voice]:
"We're in somebody's yard!"
"Aagh! Dog! Turn left!"
"POOL! Turn right!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Crap! What was that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"We jumped the curb!"
"We're back on the street!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Where are the cops?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't see them."
"We lost them!"
"Wait. This is Stillwater Avenue!"
"128."
"130."
"132! Turn left!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"My building has underground parking!"
"We can hide the car!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I see it!"
"Left! Then"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Right then right again. I know. I've driven this ramp a million times."
Amber [Voice]:
"Whoa. That was like, perfect!
Kevin [Voice]:
"Muscle memory, I guess."
Amber [Voice]:
"There's an empty spot straight ahead."
"Slow down."
"Slooooow."
"And stop."
"Park it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh my God."
"Oh man."
"I can't believe that just happened."
Amber [Voice]:
"That. Was intense."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I drove a car."
Amber [Voice]:
"I know. I was there."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, you don't understand."
"I DROVE A CAR."
"That was something I was never supposed to do again."
"Something I took for granted that the accident stole from me."
"You gave it back to me."
"Just like running."
"You're a miracle worker."
Nora:
YOU'RE A LUNATIC.
I can't believe you did that!
You could have been killed!
Celery:
but she wasnt
no harm no foul
Nora:
No harm?
No foul?!
They ran over a mailbox and almost left a dog-shaped skid mark into a pool!
Not to mention they're now officially, 100% on the lam from the police for assaulting a security guard AND ARE ALSO ON THEIR WAY TO PICK UP FIVE POUNDS OF ILLEGAL DRUGS.
It's like all harm, all foul!
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, can I"
"May I touch you?"
Celery:
f yes you can touch her
my work here is done
i am the gangsta of love
Nora: