Amber's Blind Date
Page 4
*deep sigh*
I guess adrenalin is an aphrodisiac.
You may as well get your touching in before you both go to separate prisons.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Sorry, I mean"
"Not in a creepy way."
"I meant, may I touch your face?"
"To feel what you look like."
"Since I can't see you."
Amber [Voice]:
"Aww. Yes. Of course."
"It's so sweet that OW!"
"That was my eye!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Sorry! I didn't realize you were so close."
Amber [Voice]:
"It's okay. Just come in slower."
"Yeah, like that."
"These are my cheeks."
Kevin [Voice]:
"They're so warm."
"I can feel your heartbeat."
"It's fast. Are you nervous?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Kinda."
"Also I just almost died in a car wreck like seven times."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh. Right."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's my nose."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It feels cute."
Amber [Voice]:
"It is."
"So is the rest of me."
"If you'd care to take a look at it."
Celery:
yes! smooth!
wait!
dont let him touch your boobs!
hell know you lied about them!
Nora:
Yes. Obviously this is important.
Your relationship thus far has been carefully crafted on a foundation of batshit insanity, and the only chance of it being toppled is an irrelevant fib about an A-cup bra.
Kevin [Voice]:
"As tempting as that offer is, we should probably get moving."
"Now that the police are actively looking for us, we need to get rid of that MDMA like, now.
Amber [Voice]:
"You're right."
Celery:
so youre turning down sex so you can get rid of drugs?
i feel like i dont even know you anymore
FRI 11:35 PM
Kevin [Voice]:
"I don't get it. The bag of MDMA should have been in my desk drawer."
"Are you sure you don't see it?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Dude, it's not there."
"There's nothing in the drawer but a couple of paperclips, a broken rubber band, and a post-it pad that says 'Chemists do it with moles.'"
"Which is disturbing."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's a chemistry joke."
Amber [Voice]:
"About having sex with rodents?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"No."
"But now that I think about it"
"kinda."
Nora:
It's a reference to Avagadro's Number.
6.02 x 1023
AKA "the mole."
Celery:
i can't even express how much i dont care
Amber [Voice]:
"Actually, give me one of those paperclips."
"Maybe I can pick the lock and get these stupid handcuffs off."
Kevin [Voice]:
"You know how to do that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"How hard can it be?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hard enough to keep criminals from doing it?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Good point."
"Wait!"
"Shh!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"What?"
Amber [Voice]:
"The front door!"
"Someone just came in!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Cops?"
UNKNOWN VOICE 04 [Voice]:
"Hey Dooder McGooder, wassup?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I really doubt it."
UNKNOWN VOICE 04 [Voice]:
"Rrroww, Kev man."
"Who's your lady friend?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh. Hey."
"This is Amber."
"Amber, this is my roommate, Skeech."
"Skeech is a pharmaceutical chemistry prodigy."
"A complete genius."
Nora:
A genius named "Skeech"?
Really?
Celery:
maybe its short for "skeeball bitch"
Nora:
Yes. I'm sure this is Kevin's roommate, the Nobel laureate, Doctor Skeeball Bitch Rosenberg, PhD.
[NORA tagged 01 Speech-to-Text voice]
Skeech [Voice]:
"Nice to meet you, Amber."
"I've never seen a lizard person up close."
Amber [Voice]:
"Excuse me?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Oh, don't worry. I won't spray any Febreeze."
"I know it's toxic to your people."
"Apple Jacks. Shhh. I don't care what they taste like."
Amber [Voice]:
"Um."
"What?!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'm sorry."
"Ignore him."
"He usually makes no sense."
Amber [Voice]:
"You just said he's a genius."
Kevin [Voice]:
"He is."
"He's in MENSA and everything."
"Top of our class."
"And what does he do with all of his incredible brainpower?"
"He uses it to reformulate recreational drugs to amplify their potency so he can get ten times as high on half the amount."
Skeech [Voice]:
"A quarter the amount, thank you very much!"
"I figured it out with a little help from the fairies that live in my earhole."
"They're da real MVPs."
"You wanna try some of my tincture, lizard girl?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't even know what that is."
Nora:
A tincture is a chemical solution.
Usually alcohol infused with some kind of plant extract, like an herb.
Celery:
do you actually know all this stuff, or do you look it up super fast and then barf it in here so we think youre smart?
Skeech [Voice]:
"Check it out. Ultra-high potency, fast-acting THC extracted in Blue Curaçao."
"I call it Smurfberry Mindfart."
Amber [Voice]:
"Wait, is that a squirt gun?"
"You have a squirt gun full of blue liquid super weed?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Lizard chick gets it!"
Celery:
omg is he single
what does he look like?
haha like it matters
send him over here
Skeech [Voice]:
"You look stressed."
"Stick out that forked tongue and I'll give you a hit."
"It'll knock your scales off, sister."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Skeech, no."
"Cut it out."
"We're in trouble here."
Skeech [Voice]:
"I'll say. Your girl's hands are missing!"
Amber [Voice]:
"They're not missing. They're behind my back."
"See?"
"I'm handcuffed."
Skeech [Voice]:
"All right! Kinky bro!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's not!"
"We need to get them off her."
"Can you help?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Oh heck yeah I can."
"Hold my pistola, señorita."
Amber [Voice]:
"Where is he going?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I have no idea. Maybe he has a"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Hiiiyaaaa! Hwa! Hwa! Whaaaagh!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"What the hell is he doing?"
Nora:
What
the hell is he doing?
Celery:
hes swinging a samurai sword!
Amber [Voice]:
"He's swinging a samurai sword!"
Nora:
Wait, Celery, how could you know that?
Celery:
i watch a lot of kung-fu movies with the subtitles on
Skeech [Voice]:
"All right, foxy lady."
"Just put your wrists on the coffee table."
"I'll take care of the rest."
Amber [Voice]:
"Um, what's your plan here, dude?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Duh. I'm going to whack your hands off at the wrists."
"Then the cuffs will fall right off."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's the worst plan ever!"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Nah, man. It'll work."
"This blade can cut through anything."
"One time I forgot the combination to my bike lock so I used it to cut through the chain."
"Except it wasn't actually my bike."
"It was a dog."
Amber [Voice]:
"You cut through a dog?!"
Skeech [Voice]:
"No! I cut the chain holding the dog!"
"I'm not a monster!"
"The dog ran away, but my point is, I cut a chain, man!"
"So I can totally cut your hands off."
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't want you to cut my hands off!"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Don't be a baby."
"You'll grow new ones."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's not how hands work!"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Sure it is. I've grown three new sets of hands since I got home."
"I keep putting them in the fridge in case I need them later."
"Hey! You could just take a pair of mine!"
"If you're cool with having hairy knuckles."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Back off, Skeech."
"You're tripping balls."
"There's no way I'm letting you swing that sword at Amber."
Amber [Voice]:
"Thank you!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Give it to me. I'll do it."
Skeech [Voice]:
"Cool."
Amber [Voice]:
"Wait, what?!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Don't worry, I'm not going to cut your wrists."
"I'm going to cut the chain."
"Skeech is high, but he's not wrong."
"This sword can absolutely cut through that chain if I swing it hard enough."
Nora:
No.
No no.
No no no.
Nonononononono.
Celery:
oh what?
would you rather she let skeech take a swing at it?
i thought you were her friend
Amber [Voice]:
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"I mean, I don't want to be rude but"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'm blind."
Amber [Voice]:
"Uh, yeah. There's that."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I know I am. Obviously."
"But when I'm with you I"
"I don't FEEL blind."
Skeech [Voice]:
"Whoa. Trippy."
"What do you see, bro?"
"Like, a starfish? With a bikini? And five boobs?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ugh. That's not what I meant."
"I meant, you make me feel like being blind doesn't matter."
"Amber, you make me feel empowered."
"Like I can do anything."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's so sweet!"
Nora:
Yes. Okay. Sweet.
Have your moment.
Be his inspiration.
DON'T LET A BLIND MAN SWING A SWORD AT YOU.
Celery:
i say go for it
Nora:
Of course you do.
Are you even paying attention to anything that's happening here?!
Celery:
honesty, im kinda in and out
space jam is on tv
i just check my phone once in a while to see what you said and disagree with it
Nora:
Fine. Okay. In that case:
Amber, this is a fantastic idea.
I mean, Kevin DID drive your car and nobody died, so he can probably also swing a thirty inch sword between your wrists hard enough to cut a three-inch-long, tempered-steel chain without burying the blade in the back of your skull.
So by all means, do this.
Do it so hard. It's the best plan ever.
Celery:
i disagree
its kind of a stupid plan
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm sorry, Kevin, but this sounds like kind of a stupid plan."
Nora:
Yes!
Also, why do you always listen to what Celery says?!
Kevin [Voice]:
"I know it sounds risky, but"
"I believe in myself."
"I want you to believe in me too."
"Do you believe in me, Amber?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Aww."
Nora:
Crap.
I know that "Aww."
Even in text I know that "Aww."
That's the "Aww" that says a boy is making puppy-dog eyes at Amber and Amber is physically and emotionally unable to resist whatever stupid thing he wants to do.
Amber [Voice]:
"Of course I believe in you."
"I mean, you did drive my car and nobody died, so I'm sure you can do this too."
Nora:
THAT ARGUMENT WAS MEANT TO BE SARCASTIC.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Thank you. Your trust means so much to me."
Celery:
barf
Amber [Voice]:
"So how are we going to do this?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hmm."
"Skeech, grab a barstool from the kitchen."
Skeech [Voice]:
"You got it, duder."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, put it behind you and pull the chain tight over the seat."
Amber [Voice]:
"Like this?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh, sure."
"Because I can totally see what you just did."
Amber [Voice]:
"Sorry."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Skeech, help me line up my swing."
"Put the blade on the chain so I know where it is."
Amber [Voice]:
"Ow! That's my thumb!"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Oh. Sorry."
Amber [Voice]:
"Ow! That's my other thumb!"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Man! Why your thumbs gotta look so much like chain?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Aim between the thumbs!"
"That's where the chain is!"
Nora:
I'll just go ahead and save this chat log so I can forward it to the 911 dispatcher twenty seconds from now.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Okay. I feel it."
"Okay."
"Stay still."
"Just one quick swing."
"Up then down."
"Ready?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Ready."
Nora:
Goodbye, old friend.
Skeech [Voice]:
"Aaagh! No! Nooo!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"What?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"What did you do, man?!"
"What did you do?!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I don't know!"
"What did I do?!"
Celery:
jeez, keep it down
im at the part where bi
ll murray coaches the tune squad
hilarious
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh God, Amber! Are you all right?!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm fine."
"It worked!"
"You cut the chain!"
"I'm free!"
"I mean, I'm still cuffed, but I'm free!"
"You did it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh thank God."
Celery:
told you he could do it
Nora:
You did not! I'm the one who said he could do it!
And I was being passive aggressive!
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wait."
"Skeech, why are you screaming?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"The stool!"
"You split it in half!"
"You killed it!"
"It's got a FAMILY, dude!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'll make sure it gets a proper burial."
Amber [Voice]:
"We don't have time for that! We need to find the drugs and get them back to Sasha!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Yeah, I"
"I was not serious."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh. Right. Sorry."
"Not thinking properly."
"I've had a stressful minute here."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Skeech, please tell me you know what happened to the MDMA I had in my desk."
Skeech [Voice]:
"What?"
"Oh. Yeah, brodadudeski."
"I've got it right here."
"Right here."
"Here."
Kevin [Voice]:
"What's happening?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't know. He's just turning in a circle and grabbing at his back."
"It's like a dog chasing its tail in slow motion."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Skeech, did you put the MDMA in a backpack?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"Yeah! My little Pokémon one."
Kevin [Voice]:
"And where is your Pokémon backpack now?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"On my back."
Amber [Voice]:
"No. Guess again."
Skeech [Voice]:
"Uh, at the party, maybe?"
"I think I was at a party."
"Is this paper a letter from a party?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Why was that paper down the front of your pants?"
Skeech [Voice]:
"I was getting directions from my wiener."
Celery:
most men do
Amber [Voice]:
"Eww. Give me that."
"It's a flyer for a warehouse party."
"Down by the waterfront."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Skeech, is this where you were?"
"Is this where you lost my drugs?"
"Skeech?"
"Is he still here?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Yes."
"I think?"
"He might be asleep."
"He's drooling."
"But he's still standing up."
"And his eyes are open."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh no."
"He's gone into powersave mode."
"He'll be like that for a few hours."
Amber [Voice]:
"Has this happened before?"