Amber's Blind Date
Page 5
Kevin [Voice]:
"Often enough that I have a name for it."
Amber [Voice]:
"What are we going to do?"
"We can't just wait for him to wake up."
"The cops and Sasha are all looking for us!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Well then."
"It looks like we're going to a party."
SAT 12:08 AM
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'm guessing by that thumping bass that we're getting close."
Amber [Voice]:
"Yeah, this is the address on Skeech's flyer."
"Sorry I made you walk so far. I couldn't find a parking spot closer. It's pretty busy here."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Must be a kickin' party."
"What does it look like?"
Amber [Voice]:
"It looks really fun, actually."
"There are adorable Edison bulbs strung up everywhere, and tables outside with people hanging around and drinking cocktails."
"It's very upscale. There's even a chocolate fountain."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wow. Fancy."
Nora:
Oh, thank goodness.
From the sound of Kevin's roommate I was afraid you'd be marching yourself into some sketchy drug den.
I'm glad to hear it's nice.
Amber:
It's not
I lied
Celery:
about what part
Amber:
All of it
This place would need an extreme makeover to become a crack house
The only light is coming from a car
Nora:
The headlights?
Amber:
No. It's on fire
There are skanky people everywhere with a too many tattoos and not enough teeth
They're all looking at me
omg you guys this place is terrifying
Nora:
Why didn't you tell Kevin the truth?
Amber:
I don't want to freak him out!
Nora:
You're freaking me out!
Kevin [Voice]:
"That barking dog sounds really close."
"Is it at the party?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh, yeah. I see it."
"It's a poodle."
"Someone has it in her purse."
"She's trying to feed it crème brûlée."
Celery:
dang. speech-to-texts accent game is on point
Amber:
It is so not a poodle
I don't even know if it's a dog
It's too big
It might be a bear that learned how to bark
It looks like it wants to eat somebody
Celery:
quick, pee on the ground!
if you mark your territory it wont bother you!
Amber:
Eew, no
It's fine. The dog is chained up
But it seems pretty pissed about it
Kevin [Voice]:
"Have you spotted Skeech's Pokémon backpack?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No. I don't think it's out here."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It must be inside."
"Let's go check it out."
Amber [Voice]:
"Inside?"
"There?"
"Uh, no."
"We can't."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Why not?"
Nora:
Tell him the truth.
Amber [Voice]:
"We're underdressed. We don't want to embarrass ourselves."
Nora:
Why do I even bother?
Kevin [Voice]:
"Heh. Well, if someone calls the fashion police on us, I'll just play the blind card."
"Come on, let's go see if there's a lost and found."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh. Yeah."
"Okay."
"That's totally a thing they'll have here."
Amber:
And it'll be full of nothing but fingers and blood!
You guys, the inside of this warehouse is like a nightmare!
Celery:
like where you have to pee really bad?
but youre in a mens room, so there are only urinals
and you decide youre going to go for it anyway
but when you try to pull down your pants the urinal turns into a pervert clown with its mouth open
and you think you might just pee in it anyway because you have to go so bad
except your underwear keeps getting smaller
and its like, cutting off circulation to your legs
and making your butt turn inside out
and it cuts your legs off
and the clown eats them?
Amber:
No, like the kind of nightmare where a meth head murders you.
Celery:
oh
i havent had that one
Kevin [Voice]:
"Man, I smell a lot of weed smoke in here."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh, yeah."
"A few people are sparking up."
Kevin [Voice]:
"A few people?"
"It's like being inside Seth Rogen's lungs."
Amber:
You guys, I can't see ANYTHING
There are no lights and like eight hundred bongs
Kevin [Voice]:
"Ow! My shin!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Sorry!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Did you just guide me into a chair?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Yes, sorry."
Amber:
It was not a chair
It was a shopping cart.
Full of dead rats.
Nora:
Better than live ones, I suppose.
Amber [Voice]:
"Sorry. There are no lights in here."
"Er"
"I mean, there are lights, obviously."
"But they're really low."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Like, to be romantic?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Uh, yeah. But it's too romantic."
"I can't see a thing."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Welcome to my world."
"Here, just hold my hand and let me lead."
"You keep an eye out for the backpack.
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay."
Nora:
Well, this seems like a foolproof plan.
That was sarcasm, in case it didn't come through.
Amber:
He can do things, you know
He's using his cane to feel his way through the building
Kevin [Voice]:
"Watch out. There are stairs here."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh. Thanks!"
Amber:
I didn't even see those
I would have fallen
Kevin is really good at this
You shouldn't make fun of him!
Nora:
I wasn't making fun of him.
Amber:
You said it was a "foolproof plan" then made sure I knew it was sarcastic
That means you think it's a bad plan
Nora:
No, letting a blind man lead in the dark is a great plan.
Truly. Not sarcastically.
You looking for a backpack in the dark is the part I was being sarcastic about.
Since you can't see anything.
And the backpack is a thing.
Amber:
Oh.
Yeah.
I guess I should turn on the flashlight on my phone.
Nora:
Which negates the whole "blind leading the blonde" plan, but okay.
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh! Hold on, Kevin."
"I see it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"The backpack?"
&nb
sp; Amber [Voice]:
"Yeah! I see Pikachu!"
"It's over in the corner. I'll grab it."
UNKNOWN VOICE 05 [Voice]:
"Aagh! My eyes!"
"Turn out that light, you jerkass!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Sorry!"
"Just picking up my backpack."
"Got it, we'll be leaving now."
"Sorry!"
UNKNOWN VOICE 05 [Voice]:
"Hey!"
"You!"
"I reckanize you two!"
Amber [Voice]:
"You do?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, who is that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I seriously have no idea."
"Some random super drunk guy?"
UNKNOWN VOICE 05 [Voice]:
"Oh, I'm sure youtoo don't remember mee."
"Why should you?"
"After you dined and dashed on me!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh my gosh."
"It's the waiter from the restaurant!"
UNKNOWN VOICE 05 [Voice]:
"Damn straight it is!"
"You two jerkassez ate three courses then just booked it the second I turned my back!"
"The manager shit a brick when he saw whatchoo did."
"He took your bill outta my paycheck!"
Celery:
he sounds pissed
and pissed
Nora:
That's the same thing.
Celery:
i meant like american pissed AND british pissed
angry AND drunk
Nora:
Wow. That was actually pretty clever.
[CELERY tagged 01 Speech-to-Text voice]
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh man. Oh, I'm sorry."
"We didn't mean to run out on you, it's just"
"Uh."
"Things came up."
"Here, let me pay you now. Plus extra to say we're sorry."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Sorry?"
"I don't want chu to be sorry!"
"I want to kick yer ass!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh my God, Kevin!"
Nora:
What happened?
Amber [Voice]:
"This douche just punched Kevin in the face!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"You're getting a punch in the face for every dollar you owe me!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Get away from us you lunatic!"
"Leave us alone!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"I'd like to see you make me, princess!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay. Watch."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Ow! My balls!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Come on, Kevin!"
"I've got the backpack!"
"Let's go!"
UNKNOWN VOICE 06 [Voice]:
"Whoa whoa."
"Ain't nobody going nowhere."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, what's happening?
"Who is that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't know."
"Buff guy in a fur coat?"
"Looks like if Vin Diesel and Macklemore had a kid."
Celery:
does kevin owe this guy money too?
first sasha, then the waiter, now this?
this dude never pays his debts
he's like an anti-lannister
lol GoT ftw
[CELERY tagged 01 Speech-to-Text voice]
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"You don't know who I am?"
"That's very rude."
"Considering this is my party."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh."
"Well."
"Nice to meet you."
"But we really have to get going."
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"You shoulda thoughta that before you made trouble up in here."
Kevin [Voice]:
"We didn't make any trouble."
"That waiter punched me!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Helen Keller here skipped out on a check!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'm not deaf!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"I'm shouting because I'm angry!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I meant Helen Keller was blind AND deaf."
"I'm only blind."
"It was a weak insult."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Fine!"
"Beethoven here skipped out on a check!"
"Happy?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Beethoven was only deaf!"
"You went the wrong way with it!"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Enough."
"Y'all started something, now yer gonna finish it."
"This is my warehouse."
"My rules."
"Y'all best step into the ring, 'cause there's only one way to settle disputes in my house."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh God. We don't want to fight, we just want to"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Trivia contest."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh."
"Really?"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Knowledge is power, yo."
"Only the smart survive."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Survive a trivia contest?"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"The rules are simple."
"Answer correctly, you move on to the next round."
"Answer incorrectly and, well"
"You feed my dog."
"Bring him in, boys."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wait, I recognize that barking."
"It's the poodle that eats crème brûlée."
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"That ain't no poodle, boy!"
"That's a Neapolitan Mastiff!"
Celery:
that means its vanilla, chocolate AND strawberry
Nora:
It does not! Neapolitans are descended from Roman war dogs bred with giant British mastiffs!
Those things are huge!
Celery:
and delicious!
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh God. It's trying to break its chain!"
"That thing is out for blood!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh, Amber, I'm beginning to think you may not have been completely honest with me earlier."
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin, I'm so sorry I lied to you!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Then tell me the truth now."
Amber [Voice]:
"My boobs are tiny!"
"Please don't be mad!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh, okay."
"I meant about the party."
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh. Right."
"There is no crème brûlée."
"Just junkies and psychopaths."
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Hey! Those are my friends you're talking about."
"Only like, half of them are psychopaths."
"The rest are just regular sadists."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Are we doing a trivia contest or what?"
"I wanna feed these chumps to your mastodon!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Mastiff, idiot."
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Ooh, this blind mouse has got a mouth on him."
"You must want to go first."
"All right, hotshot. Category is Americana."
"Which US state capital's name means 'sheltered harbor'?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Seriously?"
"We're doing this?"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Answer the question or dance with the dog!"
Celery:
bangor, maine
Nora:
Honolulu, Hawaii
Augusta is the capital of Maine.
Celery:
nutbush, tennessee
Nora:
No.
It's Honolulu.
Nashville is the capital of Tennessee.
Celery:
packwood, washington
dickeyville, wisconsin
lickdale, pennsylvania
Nora:
Wait. You're just saying city names that sound dirty.
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's Hawaii."
"Honolulu is Hawaiian for 'sheltered harbor.'"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Look at the language skills on Captain Cane Man!"
"That's right, brother. You're still in it. For now."
Celery:
lodgepole, nebraska
coxsackie, new york
fingerville, south carolina
Nora:
WE'RE DONE THE ANSWER WAS HONOLULU.
Celery:
bald knob, west virginia
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"All right. You're next, my cranky friend."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Okay. Just don't do sports."
"I'm crap at sports!"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"The terms 'mule kick' and 'stale fish' are used in what sport?"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Damn it!"
Celery:
dog racing
Nora:
It's not dog racing.
Celery:
it totally is
first they get the mule to kick the dog to make it start running
then they give it a stale fish when it wins
to lure a cat
so they can chase the cat
as a reward
Nora:
It's snowboarding.
Dog racing isn't even a sport.
Celery:
it is if youre a dog
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Wait, I actually know this!"
"It's snowboarding!"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"You know it."
"Looks like my dog isn't gonna take a bite out of you yet."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Oh thank God."
"My mom always gave me crap about playing so much Shaun White on the Wii."
"Who's laughing now, Mom?"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"All right, you're next babydoll."
"Maybe I should give the lady an easy one."
Celery:
hey, dont take that sexist shit from him
tell him to give the lady a hard one!
Amber [Voice]:
"Or maybe you should give the lady a hard one!"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"I always do, baby. I always do."
Celery:
wow i walked you right into that one
well played, psycho alex trebek
Nora:
Don't worry, Amber.
No matter what question he throws at you, I'm right here in your earpiece to help.
Celery:
me too
Nora:
But you should ignore her answers, because she does not live in the same world we do and she's always wrong about everything.
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Okay sweetheart, riddle me this"
"A strawberry or a watermelon."