Amber's Blind Date
Page 6
"Which one is a berry?"
Celery:
obviously its the strawberry
Amber [Voice]:
"Right."
Nora:
Wait! It's a trick question.
Laypeople define "berry" differently than botanists.
Technically a berry has three distinct fleshy layers.
The exocarp, mesocarp, and endocarp.
Celery:
okay dorkipedia
you can say science words all day and a strawberry is still a berry
Nora:
It's not!
Not botanically speaking!
To be a berry a fruit needs to have the three layers and come from a flower with a single ovary.
Strawberry flowers have more than one, so it's not scientifically classified as a berry.
Celery:
okay, so a strawberry isn't a berry and flowers have ovaries
i can scroll back in this chat and tell you the exact moment noras magic mushrooms kicked in
Nora:
I'm not on mushrooms!
A watermelon comes from a single-ovary flower!
It has the three layers!
Amber [Voice]:
"Gosh, I"
"I don't know."
Nora:
You don't have to know.
I know for you.
It's watermelon.
Watermelon is a berry.
Celery:
sure
because everyones favorite berry pie is watermelon pie
and when you go berry picking, you always pick a big basket of watermelons off the watermelon bush
and watermelon is totally a flavor in cap'n crunchs crunch berries
Nora:
Strawberry isn't a Crunch Berry either!
There are four different colors: red, green, blue, and violet.
They're all the same flavor, and none of them are strawberry!
Or watermelon!
Celery:
how do you even know that?
Nora:
BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING.
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"'I don't know' isn't an answer, girl."
"You have to choose."
"Which is a berry?"
"Strawberry or watermelon?"
Nora:
It's watermelon.
Seriously.
When have I ever been wrong?
About anything?
Ever?
Celery:
its called a strawberry not a strawNOTberry
Amber [Voice]:
"It's called a strawberry, not a strawNOTberry."
"Strawberry is the answer."
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Strawberry, huh?"
"You are very lucky, my friend."
Celery:
ha! told you!
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"You get the honor of feeding my dog your pretty face!"
Amber [Voice]:
"What?!"
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"This ain't no beginner round trivia, yo!"
"This is the real deal!"
"You got to know your botany, girl!"
Nora:
I'd say "I told you so," but there's no point.
Apparently you can't hear anything I say.
Vin Macklemore [Voice]:
"Go get her, boy!"
"Dinner is served!"
Amber [Voice]:
"No! Don't let him loose!"
"Give me another chance!"
"Aaagh!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, where are you?"
"All I hear is barking!"
Nora:
Amber, run!
Amber [Voice]:
"Aaaaaaaaaa!"
Nora:
Amber, what's happening?!
Are you all right?!
Oh God, Amber! Say something!
Amber?
Celery:
wait
so is neopolitan ice cream vanilla, chocolate and watermelon?
SAT 1:12 AM
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh my God!"
"Haha!"
Oh my God, that was insane!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I know, right?"
"I can't believe we made it back to the car alive!"
Nora:
Amber! Are you all right?
Amber:
Yes!
Sorry!
Nora:
What happened?!
Amber:
Dropped my phone n it shut off
Ha dto restart
Drving now.
*driving
Nora:
Stop texting! Drive!
Celery:
uugh
why are you betches texting me again
i was sleeping
Nora:
How can you be asleep?!
Amber just got mauled by a dog and stopped talking!
I've been sitting here freaking out for the past fifteen minutes!
Celery:
yeah. that sounds like you
Kevin [Voice]:
"Okay, tell me exactly what happened back there."
"In detail!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, so when I got the trivia question wrong, fur coat guy's junkie friend let the dog loose."
"It came at me like a shopper on Black Friday."
"It jumped so hard it actually FLEW."
"Right at me."
"Drool slopping everywhere."
"Jaws open wide enough to swallow my whole head."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Then it just stopped barking."
"The next thing I knew everyone was freaking out."
"What did you do?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I shot him."
Celery:
'merica.
Nora:
What?!
OMG, where did you even get a gun?
Amber [Voice]:
"I just pointed this down the dog's throat and pulled the trigger."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Pointed what?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Here. Feel for yourself."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wait, is this"
"Is this Skeech's squirt gun full of drugs?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Well, it's empty now, but yeah."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Why do you have this?"
Amber [Voice]:
"He handed it to me at your apartment when my hands were cuffed."
"I stuffed it in my pocket."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Unbelievable!"
Celery:
i know!
a dress with pockets?
thats not a thing!
Amber [Voice]:
"Skeech wasn't kidding when he said his THC juice was fast acting and super powerful."
"As soon as I fired a shot down the dog's throat he collapsed on top of me."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It didn't bite you?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No, he just smiled at me and"
"Uh"
"I swear to God, he started laughing."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hahaha!"
"Thank you, Skeech's insanity, for actually helping me for once in my life."
Amber [Voice]:
"I guess the weirdos there thought I killed the dog, because they all came at me."
"I shot three of them and they all got super interested in their own hands."
"Then I grabbed you and I guess we lost the rest of them in the dark."
Kevin [Voice]:
"That's amazing."
"My hero."
Amber [Voice]:
"No, you're my hero."
"I never would have found my way out of that warehouse without you guiding me in the dark."
Nora:
And you might not h
ave had to do any of this if you had just listened to my correct answer to the trivia question.
Celery:
wow bitter much?
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wait! Did you get the Pokémon backpack?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Yeah! It's right here."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Okay, that settles it."
"You're my hero."
Amber [Voice]:
"All right. I accept your worship."
"Now we just need to find Sasha and try to work out a deal."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hmm. Judging by the weight of the backpack, Skeech and his friends must have dipped into the MDMA pretty heavily."
"Plus I used some samples in my experiments."
"If there's any chance of Sasha taking the rest of this back and leaving us alone we have to sweeten the deal somehow."
Celery:
ooh
get her a gift card
to cheesecake factory
Nora:
Yes, because I'm sure she'll forget few thousand dollars worth of drugs if she can enjoy a nice Macaroni and Cheese Glamburger.
Celery:
do you have a better idea?
Nora:
I do.
Kind of.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but you should probably see if Skeech has any more drugs.
Celery:
i am on board with this plan
Amber:
what?
Celery:
i mean, if youre gonna die, you should at least go out partying
Nora:
That was not my plan.
At all.
Amber:
Sry, can hardly hear you
Bluetooth battery almost dead
driving
Say again, plz
Nora:
What I was trying to say is:
Maybe you could replace the drugs that are missing with some of Skeech's concoctions.
A drug dealer would probably love that stuff.
Amber [Voice]:
"That's an awesome idea!"
Nora:
It really isn't.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh, thanks. But I don't know what we have that a drug dealer could possibly want."
Amber [Voice]:
"Do you think Skeech has any more of his crazy experiments lying around?"
"The street value of the drugs he's cooked up must be way more than some stupid molly, right?"
"I'll bet Sasha could make bank selling it if we gave her some."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Hey, that's not a bad idea."
"You're a hero AND a genius!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I kind of am, aren't I?"
Nora:
No comment.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Seriously though, Amber, I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me."
"Everything you're still doing for me!"
Amber [Voice]:
"It's nothing."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's not nothing."
"A lot of girls would have bailed on going on a date with me as soon as they found out I was blind."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's not true."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It is. Trust me. A lot of people talk big about how much they care about the visually impaired, but as soon as they have to actually DO something with them they get all uncomfortable and bow out."
"You didn't."
"You didn't even leave me when things started to get crazy."
"Or when they got illegal."
"Or when a dog the size of a rhino tried to eat your face."
Amber [Voice]:
"Well I"
"I guess I really like you, Kevin."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I like you too."
"I mean, we've only just met, but we've been through so much together already."
"You're so genuine and kind."
"I feel like I can really trust you."
Amber [Voice]:
"Even after I lied about the party being safe?"
"And the, uh"
"other thing."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Heh. Yes. About both. I know you were just telling me what you thought I wanted to hear."
"It shows that you care about my feelings."
Amber [Voice]:
"I guess it does."
Celery:
oh my lord
this guy is hot and ready as a little caesars pizza
you need to get him to your apartment like now
Nora:
No, you need to get him to his apartment.
Celery:
whatever girl!
your bed, his bed! who cares?
the springs squeak the same either way!
Nora:
I'm not talking about "squeaking springs."
You need to go to his place to pick up Skeech's drugs.
You know, to do the whole "give the drug dealer back her drugs and also some much more powerful drugs and hope that she doesn't just immediately kill you" thing.
Wow this is a bad plan.
Celery:
omg priorities woman!
the drugs can wait
this is what weve been scheming toward all night
our homegirl is gonna get laid!
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, what the hell is that?"
Amber [Voice]:
"What?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"What do you mean 'what'?"
"Those little robot voices!"
Celery:
oh shit
hes using his blind guy super hearing!
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wait, who is that?"
"Oh my God. Is that your phone?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No!"
"Yes!"
"It's my GPS!"
Nora:
In five-hundred feet, turn left on Main Street.
Amber [Voice]:
"See?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh uh. No."
"Not unless your GPS gossips about your sex life."
Celery:
oh you are so busted
Nora:
FFS Celery stop texting.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Wait, I know those voices. It's the Text-to-Speech app!"
"I used it in the lab when I had rubber gloves on so I could"
"Wait."
"Are you using Speech-to-Text too?"
"Have you been texting people through our whole date?!"
Celery:
i do not understand human language
i am a gps
beep beep boop boop map robot
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh for crying out loud."
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin, I can explain."
Kevin [Voice]:
"You don't have to."
"Your friends have explained enough."
"I thought you really liked me, but you were just trying to get into my pants this whole date."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's not true!"
"I really like you AND I was trying to get into your pants this whole date."
Nora:
Wow not helping.
Kevin [Voice]:
"And neither are you."
"Not anymore."
"Whoever you are."
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm so sorry."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I trusted you."
Amber [Voice]:
"And you can keep trusting me!"
"I didn't mean to upset you."
Kevin [Voice]:
"How could this not upset me?!"
"You took advantage of my blindness!"
"You thought it was okay to text your friends just because I couldn't see it!"
Amber [Voice]:
>
"It isn't like that!"
Celery:
beep i am a lost robot
amber picked me up and fed me batteries
she is a very kind human
you should kiss her
Kevin [Voice]:
"That's it. Pull over."
Amber [Voice]:
"At least let me drive you home."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Stop the car! Now!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, but please, just"
"Kevin, wait!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"No. Leave me alone."
"Don't follow me!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Come back!"
"Shit!"
Celery:
is he gone?
Amber [Voice]:
"Yes! Forever!"
Nora:
What happened?
How did Kevin hear us?
Amber [Voice]:
"The battery died in my stupid Bluetooth!"
"It unpaired and your robot voices started coming out of the phone speaker at the worst possible time!"
"You two ruined everything!"
Nora:
*We* ruined everything?
You texted *us*!
I should have been studying, not staying up all night trying to keep you from getting yourself killed!
Celery:
yeah! and i could have watched space jam!
Amber [Voice]:
"You did watch Space Jam!"
Celery:
apology accepted!
Amber [Voice]:
"You guys, what am I going to do?"
"Kevin is just walking away down some random street carrying a backpack full of ecstasy."
"He doesn't know where he is."
"I don't even know where we are!"
Nora:
Go after him. Talk him down.
Amber [Voice]:
"I can't talk him down!"
"He's too pissed!"
"Whoa! Shit!"
Nora:
What?
What happened?
Amber [Voice]:
"A moped just buzzed by the side of the car on the sidewalk."
"It's going crazy fast!"
"Oh no. No no no."
"It stopped next to Kevin!"
"The rider got off and started shoving him!"
Nora:
Is it one of the junkies from the party?
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't know, he's wearing a helmet and"
"Wait, he took it off."
"Oh my God!"
Celery:
is it just a skull?
is it a skull on fire?
is it nicholas cage?!
Amber [Voice]:
"It's the waiter from the restaurant!"
"What is he doing here?!"
Nora:
He must have followed you when you left the warehouse!
Celery:
go hit that a-hole waiter and get your man back
Nora:
I agree you've got to help Kevin.
But you can't just run over there and fight.
It's too dangerous.
Celery:
uh, yeah
thats why i said she should hit him
with her car
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh hell yes."
Nora:
Amber, don't.
There's got to be a better way!