Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  As she was shaving her legs, she thought about the places she had already seen. Too small. Too modern and sterile. Too close to neighbors. She didn’t want to buy a house, just rent one until she knew which direction she was heading. It was the first time in her life that she didn’t know. It was like her life was a blank page, waiting to be filled. Kind of scary, but also kind of exciting.

  Who was she now?

  Besides being a mother, she really didn’t know.

  Two hours later, she walked into the house having been given a clean bill of health from her doctor. She felt uplifted, almost bubbly, as she greeted Charlie, who was packing away the books she had chosen to take with her. She glanced at Matty, who was asleep in his infant seat on the rug by Charlie’s work area.

  “He’s still sleeping?” she whispered, bending down to check on her son.

  “He woke up, but I gave him the pacifier and he went back to sleep.”

  “What a good baby,” she murmured, gently stroking his fine blond hair.

  “He is a good lad,” Charlie agreed.

  She straightened and said, “I have a five o’clock appointment today to look at some rentals. Won’t you go with me?”

  “I have work to do,” he answered, packing more books into a box.

  “We both have work to do, but I really want your input on this, Charlie. It’s important to me.”

  “Suzanne, you’ll do fine. I keep telling you that and—”

  “Okay, what’s going on?” she whispered, interrupting him as she walked away from Matty and came closer to him. “You’ve been acting weird for over a week now. Every time I try to talk to you about it, you put me off. Are you upset with me? Have I done something?”

  He looked up at her and there was that sad smile again. “You’ve done nothing, Suzanne.”

  “Come on, Charlie. You’ve been downright miserable. Just tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “Nothing is bothering me. Why won’t you believe me?”

  She shrugged. “I guess because you’ve changed. You’re not happy any longer.”

  “I’ve a lot on my mind, Suzanne.” He paused and threw the book into the box. “Do I have to be happy all the time? Do I have to smile while I’m cleaning the house or washing clothes or—”

  “I help,” she interrupted, a bit defensively. “I wash my own clothes and I’ve been cleaning the house too. Is that it? You can’t stand doing housework?”

  He laughed, just a little sarcastically. “Who likes it? I’ve done what you’ve asked of me.”

  “And I keep telling you how grateful I am. If it’s bothering you so much, don’t do it anymore. I can manage. I’d rather have you happy again than moping around and—”

  “I am not moping around!” he answered before she could finish.

  She glanced at Matty to make sure he was still sleeping, since Charlie had raised his voice and it was the first time she could remember him being so upset with her. “Look, I apologize if I’ve hit a nerve, but I just wanted to clear the air. Something isn’t right, Charlie. I can feel it.”

  He sighed deeply, “If it’s so important to you, I’ll go with you today.”

  “Well, I don’t want to force you,” she answered, feeling like he had once more halted any kind of close communication. Where had that ease between them gone?

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “Yes. I would really appreciate it.”

  “Then I will.” He looked at the clock on the wall and added, “Give me a few minutes to finish up here and get ready.”

  Nodding, she said, “I’m going to wake up Matty, feed him, and then change him. It will take about a half hour.”

  “I’ll be ready,” he said, reaching for another book, as though he’d dismissed her.

  Feeling a little hurt, Suzanne picked up the infant seat and walked out of the room. Why was Charlie acting like this? Didn’t he want to move with them? Where else would he go? He was just unnerved, she assured herself. This was the only place he knew. Together, they’d find a new home where they could figure out their lives and make plans for their futures. Only it couldn’t be here. Even though she had months to leave the farm, she knew she couldn’t remain in a place that felt like a house of lies. She had to make a fresh start as quickly as possible.

  As soon as she saw it, she knew it was the right place. Situated on the bank of the Delaware, it was an old Victorian home with a wide porch overlooking the river. It wasn’t large, more like a cottage, but it was adorable and had a nice yard with lots of trees and a garden.

  “The owner is on a six-month consulting assignment on the west coast, so this is a short-term rental.”

  “That’s fine,” Suzanne answered the rental agent, a nice woman who seemed determined to find her the right place.

  Turning to look at Charlie, the woman asked, “Shall we go inside?”

  Suzanne had Matty strapped to her chest and she too looked at Charlie, who was standing with his hands in his pockets.

  “Sure,” he answered in a monotone voice.

  Well, he could be a little more enthusiastic, Suzanne thought, as she held her hand under Matty’s bottom, not yet trusting this new form of transporting her son.

  The agent unlocked the front door and they walked into the home. Immediately, Suzanne could see them living here. It was decorated in comfortable contemporary furniture with pale creamy walls and off-white window treatments. It was bright and homey, and Suzanne wanted to move right in. “Three bedrooms?” she asked to verify what the woman had told her earlier.

  “That’s right. Oh, there’s only two stipulations. No dogs and no smokers.”

  She smiled at Charlie, who still seemed to be lacking any interest. “We don’t have any dogs and neither one of us smokes. May we see the rest of the house?”

  The woman led them through the dining room, the bright kitchen, and a sun room that would receive the morning’s rays. She could just picture sitting with Matty on one of the thick cushions of the wicker furniture, looking out to the back garden. It seemed perfect for them. “Let’s see the bedrooms.”

  A half hour later, as they left the house, the agent said, “Shall I leave you and your husband to discuss it?”

  “Yes, thank you,” Suzanne answered with a smile. Wherever they went publically, everyone assumed they were married and she was tired of explaining Charlie wasn’t her husband. It was easier just to allow them to think what they wanted.

  Turning to Charlie, she couldn’t help grinning with happiness. “Well, what do you think? Isn’t it just perfect?”

  He smiled back. “Looks like you’ve already made your decision.”

  “But do you like it?”

  “It’s only important if you think you’ll be happy here.”

  “C’mon, Charlie, give me a break. What do you think of the house?”

  He looked back to the Victorian and nodded. “I think it’s a fine place, Suzanne.”

  “Then this is it,” she proclaimed. “At least for six months. And I won’t have to buy furniture yet or window treatments or anything.” She glanced back to the white trimmed porch. “I can figure out my life here.”

  “Then I’m happy for you. Tell the agent you’ll take it.”

  She could hardly contain herself. “I will. Let’s go back to her office and I’ll sign the papers.”

  All the way home from the agent’s office, she kept talking about the house, but Charlie was oddly silent. When they entered the farm house, she unbuckled Matty from her chest and placed him on the sofa as she took off his tiny hooded jacket. He was wide awake and fussing and she knew he would want to be fed soon.

  “Why don’t we just order out tonight, instead of cooking?” she asked, bringing Matty to her shoulder.

  Charlie dropped the diaper bag in the foyer and muttered, “Order whatever you wish.”

  She was passing him, making her way to the stairs, when she stopped. “Would you please tell me what’s wrong? I thought you’d be happ
y we found a place that’s so perfect. What is it, Charlie?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about I am happy for you.”

  “You may say that, but it’s not how you’re acting. I just wish you would talk about it. I keep thinking I’ve done something and you’re upset with me.” She brought Matty closer to her face and kissed his soft cheek as he made noises of hunger.

  “Suzanne, put your mind at ease. I told you before, you haven’t done anything and I’m not upset with you.”

  Matty suddenly turned his face and began sucking on her chin. Surprised, she pulled back and he started to whimper. “I think he’s really hungry.”

  Charlie grinned. “Looks like it.”

  She met his gaze and said, “I wish you could be happy again. I don’t know what to do to help you.”

  “Don’t worry yourself about me, Suzanne,” he answered, picking up the diaper bag. “Feed the lad, and then we’ll get something to eat.”

  She simply nodded and headed for the stairs. She would use the phone upstairs to order a pizza. That was something new Charlie hadn’t yet tried. Maybe it would brighten his mood.

  He really seemed to enjoy the pizza, eating five slices, and when Suzanne suggested they put their feet up and watch TV, he came with her into the family room almost reluctantly, muttering about having work to complete before the move in two weeks.

  “Oh, Charlie, you’ve been working all day, and I’m exhausted from running around. Can’t we just have a nice quiet evening? The packing will still be there tomorrow.” She picked up the remote control and plopped herself down on the sofa. “Let’s see what’s on cable.”

  She watched as Charlie sat down at the opposite side of the sofa, as she flipped through the channels. He didn’t look relaxed at all. “Oh, look,” she said, pointing the remote at the screen. “This is just starting… Ryan’s Daughter. I saw it years ago. It’s about Ireland, around World War One. Want to watch it?”

  “I suppose so,” he murmured, concentrating on the movie.

  She thought he could be a little more enthusiastic. Sheesh, she was going out of her way to try and lift his dark mood. Feeling a twinge of resentment for his behavior of late, she crossed her arms over her stomach and stared at the screen. Almost immediately she thought of all the wonderful things Charlie had done for her in the last six weeks and was immediately contrite. “From what I can remember, the British are occupying Ireland during the war and that girl, the one with the blond hair, falls in love with the schoolteacher and she marries him. Although he’s a great guy, she’s disappointed in the marriage, disillusioned. She knows there’s something more, but doesn’t know what it is. And there… that’s the British officer who’s suffering from shell shock from the war and he’s just taken charge of the battalion that’s occupying her town.”

  Charlie simply nodded and Suzanne shut up, allowing him to figure it out from there on his own. They watched in silence as the officer came into the pub, owned by the girl’s father. She’s alone with him when a noise suddenly starts a flashback to the war and she comforts him. There are no words, no music, just silence, as they stare into each other’s eyes and begin kissing passionately. Finally, the girl knows what has been missing in her marriage.

  Suzanne glanced at Charlie and could see his jaw set as he stared at the screen. She looked back to the movie as the officer and the girl make plans to meet the next day. The scene then changed to the two of them on horseback, riding through the woods until they come to a beautiful glen of purple flowers. She halts her horse at a pond and they both dismount. Again, no words… nothing but passion. It appears the girl doesn’t care that she is married, that he is British, her enemy. They sink to the ground and quite a love scene begins.

  Suzanne had forgotten how graphic the scene was. Actually, compared to more modern movies it was fairly tame. Oh dear, there’s a glimpse of a bare breast, she thought, feeling the air between her and Charlie come alive with an uncomfortable silence. She couldn’t even look across the sofa to him to see his reaction. Best just to say nothing. It would soon be over and… oh, geez… now the officer is on top of the girl, moving slowly, watching her face become animated as she finally experiences an orgasm and—

  Charlie suddenly stood up. “I’m going out,” he announced.

  Startled, Suzanne looked up at him from the sofa. “What do you mean you’re going out? Where?”

  “I don’t know,” he stated, raking his fingers through his hair. “I just have to get out of this house.”

  “Charlie, if it’s the movie, we can turn it off. I know seeing love scenes is pretty shocking to you and—”

  “Why can’t you understand I just want some time alone, away from this place?”

  She sat up straighter and stared at his whole body language. He looked like he wanted to run. “Then go. Do what you want. I’m certainly not keeping you a prisoner here.” Really, what the hell was wrong with him?

  “Fine.”

  “Fine,” she retorted, flicking off the TV and standing up. “You’ve had this… this attitude for over a week and I’m tired of trying to find a way to fix it.”

  “Fix it? Like you’ve tried to fix me?”

  “I’ve never tried to fix you,” she shot back, feeling a bit under attack now.

  “Oh, really? It’s like you’re molding me into someone I’m not. I’m not female, no matter what the damn book says. I like when a woman takes care of the house and a man works outside it. And for your information, I do smoke. When life had some semblance of normalcy to it, I liked my occasional pipe!”

  She just stared at him, not quite believing what she was hearing. “Well, I didn’t know about the pipe thing,” she muttered.

  “It doesn’t matter, I’m getting out where I can breathe!” And he walked away from her. He grabbed the keys, opened the front door, and left.

  She didn’t move. She stood perfectly still and listened as he gunned the motor and drove away. Shocked by the entire scene, she stared into the foyer. What the hell was that all about? He couldn’t breathe around her? She wasn’t trying to mold him… was she? She’d liked him just the way he was. All she’d been doing was trying to make him fit in better, to bring him up to par with the modern world. He was so part female, and she’d proved it to him! Why was that so damned threatening to a man? What an insult! She’d accepted that, through her father, she was part male. She didn’t feel it diminished her in any way.

  Men!

  It didn’t matter what century they came from, she would never understand them.

  He pulled into the parking area of the establishment that advertised a red sign spelling out Guinness. It was just what he wanted. Without thinking, he walked up to the door and threw it open. Immediately, he was assaulted by the noise and the loud music, but that too would serve him. The very last thing he wanted to do was think about Suzanne and the argument they’d just had.

  He found a stool at the bar and slid onto it, while reaching in his pocket for the money he carried, but had nowhere to spend. Suzanne always paid for everything, and that too galled him. She was utilizing a little too much of her masculine side lately. Pulling out one of the twenty-dollar bills she had paid him, he slid it toward the front of the bar.

  A bartender walked in his direction. “What can I get you?”

  “A pint of Guinness would be appreciated.”

  The older man scratched his eyebrow and grinned. “Well, I don’t know about a pint, but I can give you a tall glass.”

  “That would be fine,” he answered.

  The man nodded and walked to the taps. Charles watched as the dark brew filled a glass and he unconsciously licked his lips in anticipation. It had been some time since he’d sat at a bar, a legal bar, and drank to his leisure. Funny how different it was now. He remembered walking into a “speak” after giving a password, and all for a drink. He shook his head with the memory of all those raids, all those people prosecuted… and for what?

  He thought of Mitch
, just getting out of jail for running bootleg, when he’d contacted him about the land he’d just purchased. Maybe the time in jail had turned Mitch. Or maybe he’d always been a bastard. Looking around the bar, he saw people of every age. They seemed perfectly normal to him, and he wondered how many of them would believe he came from a time when they would all be arrested for doing exactly what they were now. No one would believe him.

  “Hey, stranger. I haven’t seen you around here before.”

  He turned his head and looked into the eyes of a woman, he figured in her late twenties, who slid her slim body onto the stool next to him. In seconds he took in her appearance. Dark hair, pinned back with a clip, pretty blue eyes, a wide friendly smile. She wore a tight top that molded to her breasts, and black leather encased her long legs.

  He smiled back. “Hello.”

  The bartender placed his mug of Guinness in front of him and said, “I’ll run a tab. And, Jen, don’t break his heart.”

  The woman threw back her head and laughed. “Oh, he’ll probably break mine, Tommy.” She looked to her side and smiled again before adding, “Should I be worried, stranger?”

  Charlie shook his head. “Not at all, ma’am.” He picked up his glass and drank deeply.

  “A Guinness man, I see. Do I detect a trace of the ole sod in your voice?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I was born in Ireland.” Was she now going to make some remark about micks or paddys and drinking? He’d heard enough to last his lifetime, and hers too.

  “Hey, I’m Irish. At least my grandfather was.” She stuck out her hand. “McGee. Jennifer McGee.”

  He grinned at her friendly expression and accepted her handshake. “Charles Garrity. A pleasure to meet you, Jennifer McGee.”

  “Call me Jen. Everyone does.”

  Tommy, the bartender, put a drink in front of her and she just nodded her thanks. She must come in here often for the bartender to know what she drinks. He looked to the end of the building, beyond the tables, and saw a group of young men playing billiards. Taking a deep breath, he began to feel the muscles in his body finally relax. Yes, now he could breathe.

  “So, are you from around here?”