Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  “No, I’m not. I’m highly flattered. And I would agree with you.”

  “It was the best?”

  Holding her in his arms, he nodded.

  “In your whole and entire life?”

  “In my whole and entire life,” he repeated before again kissing her on the forehead. “Now, come along back to the house. It’s late and Mrs. Hailey will want to go home.”

  She sighed deeply and snuggled against his chest as his arms encircled her. “I don’t want this night to be over,” she murmured, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. “Sometimes, I get so tired of being a grown-up. Doing the right thing. I wish I could just stay out here by the river with you like I would have done as a teenager.”

  “You would have?”

  “Oh yes,” she breathed against his chest. “I would have blown my curfew and remained here for as long as you wanted me.”

  “Sounds scandalous,” he answered with a hint of laugh.

  “Hmm… well, I am a grown-up now and I can make my own choices. I would be scandalous tonight, Charlie.”

  He tightened his arms around her. “I don’t think I could take it, Suzanne. I can’t love you again and then leave you in the morning. Don’t you think my leaving is just as hard on me?”

  She shook her head. “You seem to be able to do it so easily.”

  He pulled back on her shoulders and made her face him. “Listen to me carefully. Leaving you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Nothing compares to it”

  “Then why? Please answer me. Why are you doing it?”

  His face seemed to harden. “I’ve told you. I have to get away from here, from all these memories. I have to settle things in my mind, make sense of it all, find my place. I can’t do that here with you.”

  “Then tell me: Will you come back?”

  “I can’t answer that. I don’t know.”

  His face held a painful expression, yet she couldn’t stop now. “Will you send for me?”

  “Suzanne, please don’t make this any harder on either of us. I don’t want you waiting around for that. It isn’t fair.”

  “Will you make love to me tonight?” She didn’t care if it was the champagne, she needed answers. Now was the time to be bold.

  “I can’t. I told you I can’t love you and then leave you tomorrow. I would feel like my heart is being ripped out from my chest” He grabbed her into his embrace again and whispered into her hair, “Believe me, it’s better this way, for both of us.”

  “Then hold me tonight, Charlie. Let me fall asleep in your arms. Give me that.”

  “Come on, let’s go home now,” he said, picking up her heels from the grass and then sliding his arm around her waist.

  “My magical night is over. It’s time to be a grown-up,” she murmured, staring across the street to her house.

  “You’re one of the best grown-ups I’ve ever met.”

  She glanced up at him as he added with a sly grin, “Yes, in my whole and entire life, Suzanne.”

  Leaning her head against his arm, she sighed deeply. “We’ve profoundly altered each other’s lives, Charlie. Maybe this is what is meant by soulmates.”

  “I haven’t heard that term—soulmates.”

  “Mates, like deep friends. Friends of the soul. That’s what we are.”

  “I’ll accept that,” he said, leading her across the street “Now, let’s allow Mrs. Hailey to get home.”

  “I hope Matty was good for her,” Suzanne muttered, still staring at the house. As much as she loved her son, she just wasn’t ready to resume her motherly role.

  “He’s a good baby.”

  “Yes, he is. He’s going to miss you.”

  She felt Charlie’s arm stiffen with her words and she thought he was going to miss her son. How could he not? He had been present when Matty came into this world and had been a part of his life ever since. Of course Charlie was going to miss Matty, too.

  They opened the front door and Mrs. Hailey rose from the sofa. “Did you have a good time?”

  “A wonderful time,” Suzanne pronounced, slipping her arms out of her jacket and draping it over a chair. “How was Matty?”

  “An angel. Drank most of the bottle and he’s been asleep ever since. You certainly were blessed with that child, Suzanne.”

  “I know. All the horror stories of children not sleeping through the night, and he started in less than a week.”

  “Oh, my,” Mrs. Hailey said, as she walked over to where Charlie was holding out her sweater. “What a gentleman. Thank you,” she added, putting her arms into the sweater and adjusting the edges over her chest.

  “Yes, Charlie is quite a gentleman, isn’t he?” Suzanne couldn’t help grinning at him as she opened her purse and took out some money. She handed it to Mrs. Hailey. “Thank you for sitting on such short notice. I really appreciated the evening out.”

  “I’m glad you had a good time,” the woman said, putting the money into her sweater pocket and picking up her purse.

  “It was the best time,” Suzanne couldn’t help saying.

  “In her entire life, Mrs. Hailey,” Charlie added with a grin.

  “Really?”

  “Yes,” Suzanne answered, impulsively reaching up to her neck. “I received this gift tonight.” She was just so proud of the necklace Charlie had presented to her.

  Mrs. Hailey came closer and inspected it. “My, my, what a lovely piece.” She nodded her head toward Charlie and whispered, “I’d keep him, if I were you.”

  Suzanne stared into the woman’s eyes and tried to smile. “Good idea,” she whispered back. If it were only that simple.

  Charlie opened the door for the woman, who took her car keys out of her purse. “Call anytime, dear. Your Matty is a pleasure to watch.”

  “Thank you,” Suzanne answered, then as the door closed she threw her purse onto a chair. Her mood felt like it was plummeting. Even Mrs. Hailey recognized Charlie was a keeper. Shaking the thought out of her head, she said, “I’m going to check on the baby.”

  “I’ll close up down here.”

  She simply nodded and headed for the stairs.

  Matty was sleeping soundly and she left his room to go into her own. Staring at the bed, she closed her eyes for a moment and then shut the door. She undressed slowly, carefully hanging up her dress and dropping her underwear into the hamper in the closet. She reached for a nightgown and then stopped herself. She was about to pick a white satin gown, one she hadn’t worn in almost a year. What did she think she was going to do? Seduce Charlie? One last round of lovemaking before he left her? Funny, she didn’t even want it now. Obviously, she had sobered. Instead of the sexy white one, she chose a thin cotton one with straps. It wasn’t sexy. It almost looked virginal.

  She heard Charlie come up the stairs and enter his room. Walking into her bathroom, she washed her face, brushed her teeth and left the necklace in place. She didn’t know when she would take it off, or how she could bring herself to do it. Right now, she wanted it against her skin. He had bought it for her and she lovingly touched the diamond star with her fingers.

  It really had been a wonderful night. He’d made it so, going out of his way to show her a good time. Leaving the bathroom, she sat on the edge of her bed wondering what she should do. After about ten minutes, she walked to her door and opened it. Without further thought, she crossed the hallway and knocked on his door.

  A few moments passed and she felt her heart thudding against her rib cage. He opened the door and stared into her eyes.

  “I… I wanted to thank you again,” she whispered. “For tonight, for my necklace. For everything.”

  He smiled at her with tenderness. “You’re very welcome. And thank you. I had a great time.”

  A few tense moments passed and then she simply nodded. “Well, good night then. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay. Sleep well,” she said, turning back to her own bedroom.

 
“You too.”

  Before he could close the door, she spun around. “Charlie!”

  “What?”

  She held out her hand. “Sleep with me? Please? Nothing more. Just hold me tonight.” It took every ounce of courage for her to say that. She had never felt so vulnerable in her life.

  As though recognizing how raw the moment was for her, he reached out for her hand and clasped it firmly in his. “It would be my honor, Suzanne.”

  She almost cried and had to bite her bottom lip to control her emotions as she led him into her room. Climbing into bed, she realized she didn’t even want him to make love to her. She felt like a young girl who needed comforting. She waited until he came into bed and held out his arms. Sighing, she slid into them, resting her head on his chest as he stroked her hair.

  “I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispered into the dark room, no longer able to hold back the tears.

  “I know, Suzanne, and I’m going to miss you, too,” he whispered back, stroking her shoulders.

  “What am I going to do without you?” she sniffled.

  “Shh… you’re going to continue to be the strong woman you are, the great mother you are.”

  “I’m not a strong woman,” she protested, unable to stop the tears from falling onto his chest. “I don’t feel strong at all.”

  “Well, you are,” he answered firmly. “I’ve watched you these two months and you are one of the strongest women I have ever known. You’re going to be all right, Suzanne.”

  Hating that she sounded so pathetic, she simply nodded, even though her heart felt like it was breaking. She had lost so many people she’d held close. Her parents. Kevin. Ingrid. And now she had to let Charlie go. It felt too heavy, too much to carry and suddenly she was exhausted. Every muscle in her body just seemed to let go. Maybe it was the champagne, or the emotion.

  He must have felt her surrender, for he whispered, “That’s right. Just relax and close your eyes. You’re going to be okay, Suzanne.”

  She snuggled next to him, inhaling the clean scent of him, feeling his strong muscles surrounding her. For this moment, she felt safe within his embrace. She wouldn’t think about tomorrow. Right here, she felt like she was finally home.

  He continued to stroke her hair and her shoulders, relaxing her until he could hear her steady breathing. Staring into the darkness, Charlie finally allowed himself to experience the emotions that were holding him hostage. He didn’t know how he was going to summon the strength to leave her in the morning, when every instinct was urging him to awaken her with a kiss of invitation. But he knew that would be cruel to both of them. For the first time in his life he had experienced love, real love, and he had to leave it until he settled the unrest within his heart. His guilt was nearly suffocating. How could he love Suzanne so deeply and yet be so afraid of her son? She would never understand. He didn’t understand himself. All he knew was that he needed space to figure it all out.

  More than anything he wanted to make a life with Suzanne, yet to tell her that would be unfair. She had suffered more than her share and he wouldn’t add another disappointment to it. Better to leave her now, than years later, if he couldn’t straighten out his head. He knew it was him, never her and Matty. He was the one with the problem.

  He just didn’t know if he could raise Mitch’s great-grandson.

  Holding Suzanne close, he kissed the top of her head and whispered, “Forgive me, my love. I’m not the man you think. I’m not that strong.”

  She awoke the next morning to sunshine and a dull, throbbing headache. Squinting her eyes, she looked at the clock and couldn’t believe it was almost nine. Throwing back the covers, she dragged herself out of bed and then stopped to turn back and look at it.

  Charlie had slept with her, or at least she’d fallen asleep with Charlie next to her. Where was he? Why hadn’t Matty woken up yet? She hurried into the nursery and saw the crib was empty. Knowing Charlie had taken him, she then turned back to her bedroom and quickly used the bathroom. Dressed in her robe, she walked down the hallway and stopped when she passed Charlie’s room. The bed was neatly made. The room appeared empty of anything personal. So he was packed already. Ignoring the sinking feeling in her heart, she quietly made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

  She could hear Charlie’s voice in the sun room and tiptoed the remaining distance. Not wanting to disturb the scene, she leaned against the wall and watched the man she loved holding her son and talking to him.

  “And remember when her nose starts to get red, she’s about to cry, so be patient with her. She’s got a lot on her shoulders now, but you’re one lucky lad to have her for a mother. Watch out for her for me. Give her lots of love and make her laugh whenever you can. She’s got the best laugh. She’ll probably spoil you, but you’ll have to be strong yourself. Don’t give her too much trouble, for she has enough to deal with right now. Just be a good lad, all right?”

  She sniffled and Charlie looked up with an expression of embarrassment. “See?” he asked the baby, holding up Matty. “Look at her nose.”

  Grinning, Suzanne walked into the sun room. “I can’t believe he’s being so good without being fed yet.”

  “Oh, he’s had his breakfast. There was the other bottle of milk in the refrigerator. I heated it and gave it to him. He’s quite content,” he proclaimed, handing over the baby.

  Suzanne held her son to her chest and patted him on the back. “Thanks,” she said to Charlie and then smiled into his eyes. “I keep thanking you for everything and it still doesn’t seem enough.”

  “It’s enough,” Charlie answered, standing up and straightening his shirt. “No more thanks. We both know how the other feels.”

  “Well then, I’ll insert a final one for last night. It was wonderful to fall asleep in your arms.”

  He looked directly back into her eyes and said, “It was wonderful to hold you.”

  Neither of them said anything for the longest time, until he added, “Your nose is starting to get red again.”

  She laughed, realizing she would never be able to hold back her emotions from him. She turned toward the kitchen and spied a long green duffel bag in the corner. “When are you leaving?” she whispered with a feeling of dread.

  “In a few minutes. I was waiting for you to awake.”

  “So quickly?”

  “No point in dragging it out.”

  Knowing she had been doing exactly that ever since he’d told her he was leaving, she simply nodded as she held Matty closer. She watched as he walked to the foyer closet and picked up the leather jacket he had bought a month ago when they’d gone clothes shopping for him. Coming back into the kitchen, he dropped it on his duffel bag and then turned to her.

  His smile was tender, yet sad, as he held his arms open.

  She quickly filled them as she rested her head on his chest. “I won’t say good-bye, Charlie. I can’t.” She didn’t want to be strong. She wanted to rant and wail and beg him to stay.

  His arms encircled her and Matty and he lowered his head to kiss the top of hers. “All right. No good-byes.”

  “Be safe,” she whispered, blinking back the tears. “Find whatever it is you have to, and then come back for us.”

  His arms tightened around them. “Take care of each other.” He released them and then gently cupped her chin to raise her face. Smiling down at her, he added, “You’re the best woman I’ve ever known. That won’t ever change.”

  In spite of everything, she grinned. “You just remember that, Mr. Garrity. We love you and we’ll be waiting.”

  “Don’t,” he whispered. “I can’t promise anything.”

  “So who asked?”

  Neither of them said anything until Charlie nodded. He released them and turned to pick up his things. Slipping his jacket through the strap of the duffel bag, he hoisted the thing to his shoulder and looked back at them. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.

  She could see he was trying to control h
is own emotions and realized she would have to be strong. “I know,” she whispered back, hating the fact that no matter how hard she tried, tears were brimming at her eyes and she simply had to blink to clear them.

  It was as though their hearts were speaking for them as they continued to stare into each other’s eyes, conveying what the last two months had meant to them, how they had come to know each other as friends, as lovers, as soulmates, and how much it had affected them, how they would never again be the same. Love had altered them. Finally, as though verbalizing what each was thinking, he muttered, “In my whole and entire life, Suzanne.”

  Her lips were trembling as she whispered with a nod, “Mine too, Charlie.”

  He cleared his throat, nodded, and turned toward the door.

  Suzanne wiped at her eyes and watched the most amazing human being, this gift of love, slowly open the front door and walk out of her life.

  She held Matty closer, letting the tears come, feeling like her heart was splitting open as she nearly stumbled to the front window. She saw him walking down the driveway, not looking back, his shoulders straight, his gaze forward.

  “Oh God,” she muttered, clutching her son with one hand and raising the other to the window for support. How was she supposed to let him go in her heart? She couldn’t.

  Matty started whimpering, as though sensing her emotions, and she patted his back while straining her neck to see the last glimpse of Charlie before the limbs of the trees obscured her vision. “I won’t say good-bye,” she murmured, nearly choking for the sobs that were demanding release.

  When she could no longer see him, she continued to stare out the window feeling as though the sunshine had gone out of her life. Matty turned in her arms and reached out for her face. His hand touched her slippery cheek and he made a noise, an unintelligible noise, yet as she turned her face and looked at him smiling a toothless grin, she couldn’t help but grin back. “We’re gonna make it, sweetie. I don’t know how, but we will. He’ll come back. I know it. Someday he’ll come back into our lives.”

  And she believed it with all her heart.

  At that moment, she simply had to believe in something. Why not love? It had fooled her before, but this time she was willing to risk it all. Charlie was worth it.