Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  He walked up to the shiny new red automobile that was parked around the block. The door on the passenger side was opened and the back of the seat pulled up. Without saying anything, he flung his duffel bag into the back and then got inside.

  “Are you okay?”

  He took several deep breaths to steady his nerves, to still his thudding heart, to stop himself from crying like a young boy. Leaving Suzanne was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, yet he knew it was for the best. At least he kept telling himself that.

  “I’m fine, Jen. Let’s get going.”

  “You got it, Charlie,” the young woman stated, starting the powerful engine and slipping the transmission into gear. “California, here we come!”

  As the car pulled away from the river, Charlie knew it was going to hurt. He’d said it to Suzanne. He’d known it, but he never realized how much of his heart he was leaving behind.

  God, he loved her.

  21

  “Geez, Charlie, we’re almost halfway there, and you’ve said maybe a hundred words the whole trip. I didn’t mind it the first three days ’cause I know you’re hurting, but this is turning into one long ride if you won’t talk about it.”

  “There’s nothing to say,” he muttered, gazing out the window at the scenery. Everything looked the same to him. Interstates filled with cars. Billboards lining the sides of roads in smaller towns. It was depressing, and with each mile that separated him from Suzanne he felt even more sick to his stomach.

  “Of course there’s something to say,” Jen shot back, as she easily maneuvered her way around a slower car. “You don’t just leave the woman you love and pretend to be all stoic about it. If you talked it out, you might just feel better.”

  “You talk enough for both of us,” he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at the flat landscape of Texas that seemed to go on forever.

  “I heard that,” Jen remarked. “And I’m not even going to get mad at you for it, since you’re in such a funk. I mean, how could I when you bought me this great car? I still can’t get over it. Why won’t you tell me where you got the money for it?”

  “I’ve already told you. It was a business deal that finally paid off. Why do you have to question everything?”

  “Because I’m female,” she answered with a slight laugh. “Besides, we’re friends, aren’t we? Friends tell each other things.”

  “There are some things I would prefer to keep to myself.” Maybe it would have been easier to take a train, he thought as he shifted his position and stretched his arms. At the time he had made the decision, it seemed rational to ask Jen to drive him. She wanted to get to California. It was far enough away from New Jersey. She had a driver’s license and he had the money to make it happen. Now he was questioning everything, especially leaving Suzanne.

  “Okay, so you’ll keep it all to yourself, like that makes you strong or something. To me, it’s just plain stupid to bottle everything up.” She looked at him for a second. “It’s going to come out one day, you know. Better to have it happen with me than in some bar fight where you’ll really get into trouble.”

  “I don’t fight in bars,” he remarked, wishing she would just shut up, for he had seen his share of fisticuffs in his younger days and didn’t want to admit it.

  “Okay, we won’t talk about Suzanne or how much you’re missing her right now. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “Thank you.”

  “What do you plan on doing when we reach California? You going to get a job?”

  “I don’t know.” He really didn’t. He had no idea what he was going to do. California was just the farthest he could get from the situation in New Jersey.

  “How can you have no plans?”

  “Easily. Do you have a plan?”

  “Yeah. I’ve already told you I’m going to look for work as soon as we arrive. I don’t care what it is. I’ll even wait tables until I figure it out. You have to have a plan, Charlie.”

  “Why?”

  “So you know what you’re going to do. It’s just the way it’s done.”

  “Who said?”

  She shrugged. “You can’t go through life without a plan, without looking toward the future.”

  “Why?”

  “Because then you’ll just be—I don’t know—drifting through life.”

  “Does having a plan make you feel safer?” he asked, suddenly interested in the topic for a change. He also felt a surge of impatience.

  “Of course it makes me feel safer.”

  “Believe me, Jen, all your plans could change within a moment and then what will you do?”

  “I’ll make a new plan,” she answered.

  “I used to think that way once. Then I learned I’m not in charge.”

  “Who is, then, if not you?”

  He shrugged. “I can’t answer that. I only know that something, something I can’t control, can enter my life at any time and turn it upside down. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it but go along for the ride and try to stay sane at the same time.”

  “What’s happened to you, Charlie? You sound like a man who’s lost faith in life.”

  “Faith?” He almost laughed. “I only know how to be faithful to myself now. When anything can change at any moment, I can only control the choices I make along the way.”

  “I can understand that, but something’s happened to you, something that’s shaken your world. What is it?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. And I wouldn’t blame you.”

  “Try me.”

  He shook his head. “You’re a good woman, Jen, but I’d rather not discuss it.”

  She chuckled. “Darn, and it was turning out to be a good conversation.” After a few minutes of silence, she said, “You know who you remind me of, Charlie?”

  He knew the silence was too good to last. Sighing, he asked, “Who?”

  “Luke Skywalker.”

  “Who?”

  She laughed. “Don’t tell me you’ve never seen Star Wars!”

  “There’s a lot I haven’t seen. What is it?”

  “It’s a movie. You should see it. At least the first one.”

  He stared at the front window to the rows of automobiles, wishing they would get out of Texas and he could get out of this car. Finally, he said, “Okay, so why do I remind you of this person?” It was at least something to think about, besides what he’d left behind him.

  “Well, technically Luke Skywalker isn’t a person. He’s a character in a movie,” Jen said with a grin, obviously happy to enter into the conversation. “Anyway, he spends the whole time in the movie trying to discover something called the Force, and trying to learn how to use it. At the end of the movie, he’s on this critical mission to save the planet. Don’t ask me to explain the whole movie. Just rent it. So, anyway, he’s in this hi-tech fighter and—”

  “What’s that?”

  “What?”

  “A high-tech fighter?”

  She glanced at him. “A fighter plane. What planet are you from?”

  “If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.”

  “Okay. Let’s get back to the story,” she said with a frown. “I’ll think about that remark later. So Luke is in this fighter plane, trying to save the planet, when all of sudden he remembers the Force and he hears his mentor’s voice telling him to trust it. So he removes all his high-tech equipment and starts flying by the seat of his pants.”

  “What does that mean, flying by the seat of his pants?”

  “It means he begins to trust himself and his instincts. Everything he’s depended upon in the past doesn’t work anymore and so he’s got to start trusting the Force within him. That’s why you remind me of him, Charlie. That’s what it sounds like you’re doing now. Flying by the seat of your pants. Everything you once believed seems to have failed you, yet you said there is something, something you can’t name, directing your life now. You don’t have any plans. You’re flying b
y the seat of your pants now.”

  He thought about her words for a few moments. “What is this force?”

  She shrugged and grinned. “It’s unnameable. Just is. Maybe it’s the force of life. I don’t know. I’m just trying to tell you the end to a movie and why you remind me of one of the characters.”

  He looked back out the window. “I’ll watch the movie.”

  “Yeah, it will explain it better. You hungry?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I could eat something.”

  “Let’s get off at this exit and find a place.” She turned on her signal and changed lanes. When they were off the interstate, she drove for less than a mile when she pointed to the right. “How about The Singing Spurs Bar and Grill?”

  “Sounds fine to me,” Charlie answered, and his stomach tightened with hunger at the prospect of food.

  Pulling into the parking lot, Jen shifted into park and looked up at the place. “Can you believe this name? Funny, huh?”

  His shrugged as he opened his door. “It’s Texas. Sounds about right.”

  They were shown to a table in the restaurant section and even before settling into a booth, he knew what he was going to order. The aroma of steak and fried potatoes was making his mouth water.

  “What can I get you to drink?” the waitress asked as soon as they were seated.

  Charlie glanced up at an older woman wearing a uniform with a fancy handkerchief on the left side of her chest. Smiling, he said, “I’ll have a Guinness.”

  “Don’t have no Guinness. Got Miller. Miller Light. Coors. Coors Light. Michelob. Michelob Light. Bud. Bud Light. Lone Star—”

  He held up his hand. “Just bring me anything cold.”

  “Okay, and you, miss?”

  “I’ll have a Sprite.”

  “Got it,” the woman said, writing it down and then sticking her pencil behind her ear. “Be right back with your drinks and then I’ll take your order.”

  “Thanks,” Jen said with a big smile, before opening her menu. “Feels good to be out of that car,” she added, looking over her choices.

  He sat back against the cushioned booth and stared at her. She certainly looked tired, yet she always sounded happy and fresh. Maybe it was her younger age. Maybe life hadn’t sucker-punched her yet. “Sorry that you have to do all the driving, Jen. I know you’re tired.”

  She looked up and grinned. “Hey, that was part of the deal. If you don’t have a license I’ll drive. Rather do that than get pulled over in some small town and try to talk our way out of a summons. I don’t get it, though. You had to have had a license once, right? Did you lose it?”

  He shook his head. “Never had one.”

  “That doesn’t make sense for someone your age. How could you have gotten this far through life without one?”

  He merely shrugged.

  “So all those nights we met, planning this trip, you were illegal?”

  “I suppose I was,” he answered.

  “Well, you drive good enough. You can get one when we’re out in California.”

  “I can?”

  “Sure. There’s a whole new life out there waiting for us.” She closed her menu and leaned her elbows on the table. Tapping her red nails, she added in an excited voice, “We’re almost there, you know. Beyond the point of no return. A few more states and then sunny California.” She sighed and her grin widened. “Thanks, Charlie. I can’t say it enough.”

  “I hope you find everything you desire there, Jen.”

  “I just know I will,” she answered as the waitress came back with their drinks. They gave her their order and then Jen picked up her glass. “To California!”

  He raised his mug of beer. “To California,” he said, wondering whether expectations were practical. Knowing he hadn’t been much of a traveling companion, he added, “May all your dreams come true.”

  “Yours too, Charlie.”

  Halfway through their meal, a woman was seated across from them. She had a baby with her who was put into a high chair and she talked to it constantly. Charlie couldn’t help staring and it wasn’t until Jen pointed it out that he tore his gaze away.

  “You’re thinking about Suzanne again, aren’t you?”

  He just shook his head.

  “Why don’t you tell me about her? Talk about it, Charlie.”

  His jaw hardened. “I can’t.” He didn’t want to say he was afraid if he did, what was left of his heart might just disintegrate.

  She was seated in the sun room, holding Matty asleep in her arms, staring out the window to the garden and the birds, and she knew she had everything to be happy about, yet she simply couldn’t stop the tears. She felt so miserable and had no one to turn to, to cry out her anguish to, to commiserate with now that she was alone. God, she was sick of crying. She’d started when Charlie had left and now, three days later, she was still at it. All she had was the memories and she wanted once more to kick herself that she’d never taken a single picture of Charlie, even though she had meant to dozens of times. Maybe it was best this way, she thought, as she placed Matty into his bassinet. At least she wasn’t clutching some picture to her chest as she fell apart. Now that would really be pathetic.

  “Right,” she whispered to herself. “Like you’re not pathetic now.”

  She walked into the kitchen and stood, staring at the refrigerator. She wasn’t even hungry, yet knew she had to eat for Matty’s sake. How was she supposed to nourish a child when she had no appetite? Maybe it was time to wean Matty. She’d wanted to wait a few more months, but she just didn’t have the same enthusiasm now—for anything. Secretly, she knew she was depressed and it was unfair to her child, yet she didn’t know how to get out of it. Everything she did, everywhere she looked, reminded her of Charlie.

  Something inside of her seemed to say get out of the house. It would take such effort, she thought, and Matty was sleeping. Again, the urge came to get out. Shrugging, knowing she simply couldn’t shut herself in any longer, she picked up her purse, the baby, and headed for the door. Maybe just driving would help.

  She fastened Matty into his car seat. Bless his heart, he didn’t awaken. Climbing into the driver’s seat, she turned on the engine and stared out the window. Where was she going to go? What was Charlie doing right now? Did he catch a ride? It wasn’t until after he’d left that she’d realized he had been walking. She could have offered to drive him to the train station.

  Just go, the voice inside her urged, interrupting her self-recrimination.

  Shifting into reverse, she backed out of the driveway not knowing where she was headed. It wasn’t until she had reached the bridge over the creek that she knew where she wanted to go. Having a destination, she felt determined to reach her favorite spot, the place where she had pulled Charlie out of the water. Her spirit felt lighter as she turned onto the bumpy back road. She took it gently so Matty wouldn’t awaken, and it wasn’t until she reached the water that she saw another car already parked there.

  Then her brain refused to believe what her eyes were seeing.

  Seated on a blanket was Ingrid, staring out at the water.

  Oh, isn’t this just perfect, she thought as the anger surged up within her. First this woman takes her husband, and now she takes her favorite place. It wasn’t fair!

  Ingrid heard the car’s engine and turned around. When she recognized Suzanne, she stood up and stared at her, as though waiting for her to turn off the car and get out.

  Suzanne took several deep breaths to calm down. How totally unfair was this? And she was about to tell Ingrid the same thing! Opening up her door, she got out and left it open so she could hear Matty if he awoke. She walked up to the woman who had once been her best friend and said, “This is my place, Ingrid. I resent you being here.”

  Ingrid nodded, and pulled down the white blouse she wore outside her pants to cover her pregnancy. “I know. That’s why I’ve come here every day. I kept hoping you would show up.”

  “Why?” Suzanne deman
ded. “What can we possibly have to say to each other?”

  Ingrid took a deep breath. “We need to make peace, Suzanne. We’re going to be family in some fashion, and somehow I need to mend the breech between us.”

  Suzanne saw me tears brimming at her eyes and looked out over the water. “I don’t know if that’s possible,” she murmured.

  “I don’t either,” Ingrid said. “But I know I have to try.”

  Suzanne didn’t say anything as she continued to stare out at the water, watching as the sun’s reflection became almost mesmerizing.

  “I’m scared, Suzanne.”

  Blinking to break the spell, she turned her head and looked at Ingrid. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. “Scared of what? The pregnancy?”

  “That too. I mean, here I am with this life inside of me and I can’t seem to stop crying. I’m worried about everything. I keep gaining weight. I gained eight pounds by my last doctor’s visit.”

  In spite of everything, Suzanne had to bite the inside of her cheek not to smile. “That’s normal. Wait till the end.”

  “If I keep gaining weight like this, I’ll weigh over two hundred pounds! Even Kevin says I’m gaining too much.”

  She had to grind her back teeth not to growl at the mention of his name. “Forget what Kevin says. He’s never given birth to another human being, nor was he very supportive of me when I did.”

  “He’s about ruined, you know.”

  “Ruined? How is that?”

  “Not financially. Emotionally. You did a job on him, Suzanne.”

  “I didn’t do anything. I followed the law and the paper trail. That land was never his to sell.”

  “I understand,” Ingrid said, wiping away the tears on her cheeks. “In a way, I have to admire you, but that doesn’t make him any easier to live with now.”

  Suzanne shrugged. “It’s your choice, Ingrid,” she said, not believing that she was actually standing here talking this long.

  “He’s the father of this child and—”