Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  “So what?” Suzanne demanded. “There’s no law that says you have to stay with someone who’s making you miserable.”

  “I… love him. It’s not his fault.”

  “Of course it’s his fault. He was greedy. He’s always been greedy, and now that you can’t fix everything in his life he’s going to make you pay? Can’t you see that he’s like a vampire who will suck your energy because he doesn’t have enough of his own to survive? That’s not love, Ingrid. That’s codependence. You want to spend the rest of your life trying to save him from his disappointments?”

  Ingrid started crying again and Suzanne swallowed down the thick lump in her own throat. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It’s none of my business.”

  Shaking her head, Ingrid muttered, “You sounded like my friend just then, like you cared about me. I’ve missed you, Suz. I… I don’t have any other friend now, not one I can talk to about this.”

  Suzanne almost laughed. “Well, join the club,” she said, sniffling back her tears. “Ain’t this pathetic? Friends of the friendless.”

  Amid her tears, Ingrid chuckled. “We used to call ourselves that when we first got to college.”

  “Well, this isn’t college anymore, Ingrid. This is life, and sometimes, life is really, really tough.”

  “At least you’ve got Charles. He seems stable enough.”

  “Think again. He’s gone.”

  “Why?”

  She couldn’t face her. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she sighed. “Seems he had to find himself after that mess with Mitch in the hospital. I don’t know where he is, or if he’ll ever come back.”

  “Oh, Suzanne… I’m so sorry. He seemed—I don’t know—stable. And he was so protective of you. I mean, you could just see how much he loved you in his eyes whenever he looked at you.”

  “Well, he still had to leave, so I don’t know anything anymore.”

  Neither of them said a word until Ingrid murmured, “I guess it was a lot to ask of any man.”

  Suzanne turned her head to look at her. “What?”

  “Well, if he stayed with you he’d be raising Mitch’s great-grandson, wouldn’t he?”

  “So?”

  “So I don’t imagine there’s any good feelings between them, do you?”

  She stared at Ingrid, watching the way the wind played with her hair, and yet her mind seemed to be working at warp speed as she put it all together. The way he looked at Matty, so sad. The way his muscles stiffened when she spoke about him. Charlie resented her son? It couldn’t be possible, yet he really couldn’t give her an answer when she’d asked why he had to leave. He wouldn’t even discuss her and Matty going away with him. It was the only thing that made any kind of sense and as it rang true within her heart, she knew she couldn’t even blame Charlie for it. Mitch had taken everything away from him.

  “My God, Ingrid—what if you’re right? I mean, I know he loves me. I know in some way he loves Matty, but there’s no way to fix this. This is about genes, and I had to be the one to teach him about it!”

  “Teach him?”

  She shook her head, as though that didn’t matter. What did was that she finally felt like she had an answer. She now knew why Charlie had to leave, what he couldn’t tell her. She looked out to the water again and called out to him in her mind.

  Take all the time you need to settle this in your heart. I understand.

  “Suzanne?”

  She blinked and looked to her side. “Thank you, Ingrid. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.”

  “So are we… friends again?” The question was hesitant, almost shyly asked.

  Suzanne took a deep breath, feeling a weight lift from her soul. “Let’s say this is the beginning of something new. I don’t know what it’ll become, if anything, after today. I only know that I’m glad you were here.”

  “So am I.”

  “Be happy,” she whispered. “Even if it means being alone. Think about it. We’re healthy. We have abundance in our lives. Even without men, we have more than most. Why are we standing here by the water and crying?”

  She didn’t know if she was talking to Ingrid or to herself. It didn’t matter. It was good advice, and she was taking it.

  22

  Jen slid into the chair across from him, looking tanned and healthy and happy. “Oh, sorry I’m late,” she said with a breathless smile. “Last-minute catering party in Beverly Hills. Had to supply all the plants and deliver them and then got back to the apartment with just enough time to shower and change. So how are you?”

  Charlie laughed. “I’m doing pretty well. I have to say California agrees with you. You look great.”

  Jen seemed to sparkle even more right before his eyes. “I met someone,” she whispered.

  “Someone?”

  “You know…. someone.”

  “Oh,” he said with a knowing grin. “Someone. Who is he?”

  “His name is Jeff and he’s a screenwriter. Can you believe it? He writes for the movies!”

  “Interesting,” Charlie remarked, looking around the expensive restaurant for their waiter. Everything about Los Angeles seemed expensive to him, especially the hotel he was staying in. He should have rented an apartment, like Jen, but he didn’t think he’d be staying over a month. It just took time to make the right contacts. “Where did you meet him?”

  “He came into the nursery to buy a plant and I helped him.”

  A waiter appeared at their table and asked for their drink order. He asked for a Guinness and Jen ordered her usual Sprite. “Okay, so tell me about him. I’m still a bit protective of you, you know.”

  “Oh, Charlie—can’t you tell I’m fine? Better than fine. I love it here. I love working outside, being surrounded by nature. A whole lot better than sitting in an office processing mortgages. Now, for my man—”

  He grinned. “Your man? Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.” She did look wonderful, dressed in a short skirt and a white top that showed off her tanned shoulders. He was glad she was so happy.

  “Well, not yet, but who knows,” Jen answered with a theatrical raise of her eyebrows. “We have our first date tomorrow night. He’s got blond hair—like who doesn’t out here—blue eyes that seem to look right into my soul, and dimples—the cutest dimples when he smiles.”

  “And where is he taking you?”

  Her eyes widened, as though he was acting like her parent. “Dinner, and I don’t know where yet. He’s calling me later tonight and we’ll discuss it.”

  “I’m happy for you, Jen. Have fun.”

  “I’m sure I will. Now, what about you? What have you been doing?”

  “Besides talking to my investment broker? Not much. Studying my driving manual.”

  “When do you take the test?”

  “Next week.”

  “Looks like you’ve been shopping too. That’s a new suit.”

  Shrugging, he said, “I can’t wear the same one all the time.”

  “You look very successful, Charles Garrity,” she said, as the waiter brought their drinks. “And pretty handsome too,” she added in a whisper.

  “Why, thank you,” he answered, laughing at her antics. She certainly was in a good mood.

  They ordered their dinner and sat back in comfortable silence—that is, until Jen asked her question.

  “Have you called her yet?”

  He stared across the table and frowned. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m not ready. I haven’t really figured anything out yet.”

  “Well, what is it that you need to figure out? I can help you.”

  He shook his head and sipped his Guinness.

  “You love her, right?”

  “Yes, I love her.”

  “She loves you?”

  “I believe she does.”

  “So what’s the problem? I know it’s a cliché, but doesn’t love conquer all?”

  “I don’t know, Jen. I just don’t know.” />
  “You are so frustrating, Charlie Garrity! If it’s not her and it’s not you, then what is it?”

  “There’s more to it than that,” he muttered, looking out the window to the tall skyscrapers. It still amazed him every time he saw them.

  “The car seat!”

  He turned to look at her. “What?”

  “There’s a baby, a child. I completely forgot about it. That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

  His frown deepened as she added, “Come on. I finally figured this out, didn’t I?”

  He didn’t say anything.

  “So you can’t accept her child. Sounds kind of shitty to me, but knowing you, you must have a good reason.”

  “Drop it, Jen.”

  “No, I’m not dropping it,” she stated emphatically. “After all this time, we’re finally getting somewhere. What is it, Charlie? What’s holding you back? It’s not like keeping it all to yourself has helped you work through it.”

  He didn’t say anything, feeling all the hostility coming back to the surface. He didn’t want to dissect this now, in a restaurant.

  “Well?”

  “The child is related on his father’s side to my enemy.”

  She stared at him for a few moments, as though stunned. “Excuse me? Your enemy? Who the hell has time in this day and age for enemies? What century are you from?”

  “The last one,” he muttered through gritted teeth. “You don’t know anything about this.”

  “I know that you’re wasting precious time with talk about enemies, like it’s some grudge you have to carry with you the rest of your life. Damn, Charlie. Life’s too short for that.”

  He nodded, hoping to dismiss her. “Fine. Thanks for your advice.”

  She smiled at him, as though knowing exactly what he was doing. “Listen to me. You think I don’t know about enemies? Think again. You know why I order Sprite now every time we’re out?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. “’Cause I don’t drink anymore. I stopped the night you talked to me about driving you to California. My old man is a drunk. So was my mother. And I was headed the same way until you walked into my life. I know what it’s like to hate and to try and deny it. I hated my father. I hated him for what he did to my mother. She drank herself to death just to get through the day with that sonofabitch. I grew up knowing my parents hated each other, blamed each other for their miserable lives, and then he blamed me because my mother got pregnant and he missed his chance in the big leagues playing football because he had to marry her.

  “Then after she died, he tried to do the same thing to me, to lay his guilt all over me, so I moved out when I was seventeen. But not before I learned how to medicate the pain away, just like they did. I learned how to hate from them too, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pass it on to my kids. I don’t have time to hate anymore, Charlie. I’ll bet my parents learned it from their parents and it probably goes back generation after generation. Somebody’s got to stick their heels in the ground and say it stops with me. I’m not going to make the same mistakes. Because you know what? Life really is too short to waste time and energy hating anyone. Think about what it takes away from you, what it costs you. Is it worth your freedom? Your happiness?” She stopped and picked up her Sprite. “Anyway, that’s what I’ve learned.”

  He was stunned. He didn’t know what to say to her, how to respond to her outburst of emotion.

  “Shocked you, huh?”

  He nodded. “I’m so sorry, Jen. I never would have thought you’d grown up like that.”

  “Why would you? Take a look out there, Charlie,” she said, pointing out the window. “See all those people? You think any one of them is normal? Normal’s the illusion. We’re all working on our stuff, whatever that might be, but we sure try like hell to pretend we’re as close to normal as possible. Look, all I know is life is tough enough without adding the weight of hate to it, ya know? Lighten up, my friend. Start enjoying life again. I know of one woman in New Jersey who would really appreciate it.”

  “How did you get so smart?” he whispered, in awe of her wisdom.

  She giggled. “I told ya. I watched Oprah and then did some independent reading.” She sipped her soda. “And I’m not so smart, Charlie. If anything, I’m finally trying to be real, though I have no intention of laying any of this on my screenwriter just yet. Time will tell if he can handle it.”

  Their dinners arrived, as though on cue, and Charlie watched as Jen began eating with enthusiasm. His own appetite seemed to have disappeared as he digested everything his young friend had said. Where was all his hate getting him? What was it serving? It suddenly dawned on him that this way it was almost as though Mitch had managed to take away what was important to him again. Because of Mitch he was no longer with Suzanne.

  He could feel a tiny crack in the wall of protection around his heart.

  “You’re not eating.”

  He looked up from his plate. “I’m thinking.”

  Jen smiled. “Good. I hope you’re thinking about calling her.”

  “Not yet. There are some things I need to do first.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like get legal. I need a passport.”

  “A passport? Where are you going?”

  “I’m not sure, but I don’t like the idea that I can’t get out of this country without one. There are so many laws now.”

  “You’ve always needed a passport, so what’s new about that?”

  “You didn’t always need a passport, Jen. Take my word for it. It’s just going to be tricky to get one for me, but I’ve found that money can ease the way if you make the right contacts.”

  “Charlie, you’re not on the run, are you? I mean, you’re not wanted by the law, or anything. I know I asked that back in New Jersey, but—”

  “No, I’m not wanted by the law,” he interrupted with a chuckle. “Am I on the run? That could be true.”

  “You’re running from yourself, huh?”

  “You just love being right all the time, don’t you?”

  Shrugging, Jen stabbed a floret of broccoli and said, “I’m not always right. Wouldn’t that be boring? I’m just hitting the mark with you ’cause you’re easy. I told you when we first met, you’re one of the good guys, Charlie. You just needed a little tune-up to remember that yourself.”

  Now he laughed. “A tune-up?”

  “Sure. We all get out of whack from time to time, don’t we? It helps if someone else can see us, like an observer. Someone who’s not emotionally involved.” She pushed her plate forward and leaned her arms on the table. “See, I don’t have a stake in how your life plays out, except as your friend. I can see what you’re too bogged down in emotions to realize. Now you can take my observation and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Or… you can examine it and see how it feels inside of you, and then run with it. Your choice. The only difference it makes with me is that I’d like to see you happy.”

  He sighed deeply. “You’re a good friend, Jennifer McGee.”

  Her grin was almost tender. “So are you, Charlie. Now when are you going to call her?”

  The phone rang and Suzanne stared at it for just a moment as her heart clutched tightly in hope and expectation. Slowly, she picked up the receiver.

  “Hello?”

  “Suzanne, hi. It’s Laura. I’m returning your call. What’s up?”

  “Hi.” She suppressed the sigh of disappointment, wondering why she still believed in her heart that Charlie would contact her. It had been well over a month now and all she’d received was silence. “Thanks for calling me back, Laura. Fortunately, this has nothing to do with law. It’s about a good cause.”

  “Well, that’s a relief. What is it?”

  “It’s called Renewal. They collect clothing to help women re-enter the job market, to dress professionally for interviews. So I’m calling all my professional friends to see if they want to clean out their closets.”

  “I’ve heard of this,” Laura said. “Sounds wort
hwhile and I’ve been putting off cleaning out my closet for over a year.”

  “Oh good, so then you might have something? I can pick it up, or you could drop it off here. I’ve already collected quite a bit and I’m about to make a trip over to Philly to the women’s center.”

  “Give me a few days and I’ll drop off whatever I can.”

  “Thanks, Laura. It really is a good cause.”

  “No problem. Gives me an excuse to do some overdue housecleaning. So how are you? How’s Charlie?”

  She inhaled and said, “I’m doing well.”

  “And Charlie? How is he?”

  Suzanne paused. “I hope he’s doing well. He left over a month ago.”

  “Wow. I didn’t know, Suzanne. Are you all right?”

  “I guess so,” she answered. “I’m keeping myself busy.”

  “Well, call me if you need someone to talk to.”

  “Thanks, Laura, but I’m okay.” Not wanting to continue this thread of conversation, she added, “So you’ll drop off the clothes by the end of the week?”

  “Sure. Oh, and did you hear? Kevin is now living in Florida.”

  Suddenly, she became alert. “Florida?”

  “Yes, his lawyer notified me last week. All your payments should still automatically be deposited in your checking account.”

  Suzanne wasn’t even thinking about money. “I can’t believe it. He’s in Florida.”

  “Suzanne, I have another call. Do you want to hold?”

  “No, that’s okay. I’ll see you at the end of the week.”

  She hung up the phone and slowly walked into the sun room. She sat down in a chair and stared at Matty, lying on a blanket playing with the dust motes that were illuminated by a ray of sun. Kevin was in Florida? Did he go alone? Was Ingrid with him? Was he living with his parents? She hadn’t seen or spoken to Ingrid since they met at the creek.

  Suddenly, as she sat watching her child, it all played out in seconds across the screen of her mind.

  If Kevin and Ingrid had never done what they did, would she have been at the water at that exact moment to pull Charlie out of it? Would they have ever met? Would they have ever become friends? Would she have experienced such a profound love with the most extraordinary human being to ever come into her life?