Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  She didn’t know, but she felt like it all happened perfectly.

  She hadn’t been really happy married to Kevin. How could she be, when he’d always loved another? Yet she knew she would have stayed in the marriage if Kevin hadn’t told her the truth. She would have continued to try to make it work, all by herself, trying to fix everything, when it had always been beyond fixing. Now she was out of it.

  Why, if she really thought about it, without all the tangled emotions, she was actually grateful to Kevin and Ingrid for the roles they had played in her life. Without them, she might never have met Charlie. She might never have known what it was to be loved by such an incredible man.

  Was this forgiveness?

  She wasn’t sure. She only knew it felt right. It was as though a heavy weight had been removed from her heart. She could breathe easier. Her muscles were less tense. She felt like it was all finally making sense. She had needed the push to get out of a situation that no longer served her. In truth, it hadn’t been serving her for some time. So a bomb exploded, a big bomb to get her attention and to move her past her fears. And what had she found on the other side when the debris cleared?

  Love.

  Incredible love.

  “Hey, Matty,” she called out as she stood up and walked over to her son. “Let’s go for a ride in the car.”

  Within minutes, she and her child were out the door.

  She knew where she was driving. A part of her thought surely she must be nuts. Probably anyone else who heard about it would think she was over the edge, but she found she didn’t care any longer what anyone else thought of her or her life. She had spent too many years worrying, hoping that she would appear normal. Almost laughing at the thought, Suzanne turned down the familiar street.

  She parked at the sidewalk and looked up to the farmhouse. It was empty. She could tell by the darkness inside, the way the flowers were dying from lack of attention. Once she had loved this place, envisioned a future there, and now it was just a shell, empty and cold. Sighing as she left the past behind her, she shifted the transmission into drive and headed for her next stop.

  Less than ten minutes later she slowly drove up to Ingrid’s home. Her car was parked in the driveway. Suzanne shut off the ignition and took a deep breath. Ingrid’s house looked pretty unloved too. Her spring plants were dead and she hadn’t replaced them. “Well, Matty, it looks like we’re about to make a surprise visit.” She gazed into the rearview mirror and grinned at her son, before opening her door and getting him.

  She held Matty to her chest as she walked up to the front door. Biting her bottom lip, she rang the doorbell and waited. But she didn’t care if it seemed crazy. Something within her had been urging her here.

  The door opened and Ingrid looked shocked to see her on her doorstep. She also looked like she had been through hell and back. Her hair was in streaks and could use a washing. She looked like she had slept in her sweatsuit.

  “Hi,” Suzanne said with a tight smile. “Maybe I shouldn’t ask how you’re doing.”

  Ingrid tried to smile back, but her chin trembled as she muttered, “He’s gone.”

  “I heard. Something told me you didn’t go with him.”

  Shaking her head, Ingrid held open the door. “Do you want to come in?”

  “Okay. We can’t stay long. I… I guess I just wanted to see if you were all right.”

  “All right?” she asked with a sarcastic laugh as she closed the door. “I don’t know if having the father of your child leave is…” She stopped speaking and stared at Suzanne with a horrified expression. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  Suzanne actually laughed. “It’s okay, Ingrid. I know exactly how you feel. What did he do? Run down to mommy and daddy to nurse him while he licks his wounds?”

  “He said he couldn’t take the pressure any more. I guess I’m pressure and having another child is pressure, but I think it was losing that money that did him in.” She led Suzanne into her kitchen. “Want a cup of tea?”

  “Not really. We can’t stay,” she answered, shifting Matty to her hip.

  “So, this is Matthew,” Ingrid whispered, sniffling as she came closer.

  “This is Matty,” Suzanne whispered, smiling down at her son as she presented him. “He’s my angel child.”

  Ingrid leaned closer, her face inches away. “Hi, Matty.”

  Her son reached out and grabbed a handful of Ingrid’s hair and tried to take it into his mouth. “Matty! Let go,” Suzanne warned, prying his tiny fist apart. Laughing, she added, “Okay, so maybe he’s not always an angel child.”

  Ingrid smiled as she smoothed her hair back into place. “He’s beautiful. He’s also going to have a half sister. I found out last week.”

  “A little girl,” Suzanne breathed, finding it remarkable that she wasn’t resentful any longer. All of that had miraculously disappeared when she realized she was grateful, instead of hateful. “Congratulations.”

  Ingrid’s eyes started to water again and she rubbed her fingers against them. “I don’t know what to do, Suz. I’m all alone and—”

  “Oh, sit down, Ingrid,” Suzanne said with a hint of impatience as she and Matty sat at the kitchen table. She waited until Ingrid sat across from her and then added, “You’re going to pull yourself together, that’s what you’re going to do. Not for you. Certainly not for Kevin. But for that child inside of you. You’re a mother now. You don’t have time to allow this depression to take hold of your life. You’re going to have a baby in a few months, Kevin or no Kevin. And you’ll do it.”

  Ingrid wiped at her nose with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “If you think I’m depressed, you should have seen him. He stayed in bed for days and then started blaming me for all this, saying if it hadn’t been for me his life wouldn’t have been ruined.”

  Sighing, Suzanne said, “It wasn’t ruined. He has plenty of money.”

  “He hates to lose, Suzanne.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s life. We’ve all got to learn that lesson sometime. It’s time for Kevin to grow up, and running back to his parents isn’t exactly mature now, is it? The real question might be why you want him in your life. Don’t you want an adult?”

  “I… I love him.”

  “Really? Or is it habit, or you think you’ve been through so much you have to make it work? Come on, Ingrid. I’ve known you too many years to believe you ever could be happy with a man who isn’t responsible for his actions and his choices.”

  Ingrid didn’t say anything, so Suzanne continued. “Look, it makes no difference to me. The reason I came over here when I heard Kevin took off was actually because I wanted to thank you.”

  “Thank me?”

  Laughing, Suzanne nodded. “I know it sounds crazy. Two hours ago I would have thought so too. But it suddenly hit me that without you and Kevin doing what you did, I still would be married to that man and… well, quite frankly, in your position, trying to fix everything just so his life runs smoothly. Everything revolved around his moods. I cringe now when I think of it. I was almost hostage to them, hoping he’d be in a good one when he came home at night. I didn’t have to live like that, but I was so blinded by this image of a family that I would have made myself miserable and murdered my soul trying to do it.”

  Ingrid just stared at her, as though shocked by her words.

  Suzanne figured she might as well say it all. “By your choices, I was forced to make some of my own. It was terrifying at first, but when I calmed down I found I liked who I was without Kevin. I liked the peace that eventually came into my life. And I’m eternally grateful for the love that came into it too.”

  “Are you saying you forgive me?” Ingrid asked hopefully.

  “I don’t know about forgiveness. I’ll have to think about that in more detail. I’m not a saint. I’m doing this for me, not for you or Kevin. Because it makes me feel good about me. All I know is that I’m not angry with you any longer. If I feel anything for you right now, it’s compa
ssion.”

  “Pity,” Ingrid mumbled, starting to cry again. “I am pathetic.”

  “Ingrid?” She waited until Ingrid looked up. “Shut up.”

  Ingrid stared at her.

  “I don’t pity you. I feel compassion for you. I know what it’s like to be in your shoes. And I’m telling you, you’ll make it if you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out of this house. Why don’t you have any flowers planted yet?”

  Ingrid’s eyes widened. “Maybe because I’ve had a few things going on here and gardening was put on the back burner?”

  “Go get your purse.”

  “Why?”

  “Matty and I are taking you out of this house. We’re going to pick up a few flats of bedding plants and then get our hands into the earth.”

  Ingrid was shaking her head. “Oh, I don’t know if I’m up to it yet and—”

  “Look,” Suzanne interrupted. “You can sit in this house and become a pitiable woman, doing God knows what to that poor life inside of you, or you can come with us back into the sunshine and let mother nature begin to heal you.” Standing up, she added, “It’s your choice. Just make one.”

  As Suzanne watched Ingrid rise to get her purse, she realized she didn’t know what it was that was prompting her to open up once again to Ingrid. Maybe it was the power of healing old wounds. Maybe it was compassion. Whatever it was, she only knew it felt right.

  23

  He walked up the green hill and stood still, staring out to the water before him. It was a majestic sight and it took his breath away for a moment as all the memories seemed to rush across his mind with lightning speed. The ocean. The sight of it never failed to move him. A strong summer breeze caressed his face, lifting his hair. He inhaled the clean scent of it, feeling it move down into his body, renewing him, making him whole again.

  Below him was a beach and he watched as a man and a child walked hand in hand, stopping to examine shells and then adding their find to a bucket the man held. A lump formed in his throat and he allowed the tears. Here, on this land he had just purchased, he could allow all the sorrow, all the pain, all the memories to play out. He could let the wind dry his tears. The ocean to accept his sorrow. Here he could be made clean again.

  Watching the man and child, he thought of those he had left behind. Suzanne and Matty. How he wanted to bring them here now, now that he had settled it all in his mind. Yes, Matty was Mitch’s great-grandson. But he was also Grace’s. He had forgotten that. And Matty was also a part of Suzanne—two of the most gracious, lovely women he had ever known. How had he let his hate obscure something so obvious? There was more of Grace and Suzanne in the boy than there was of Mitch.

  Watching the man pick up the boy and swing him around struck Charlie’s heart. The tears flowed without censure and he felt like such a fool for walking away from Suzanne and Matty. He loved them. Both of them. His fears were unfounded.

  Would her heart still be open to him? Had his silence conveyed a message he hadn’t meant to send? So many recriminations assailed him and, for the first time in his life, he wondered what kind of man he was. How could he have turned away from such an incredible love?

  He now realized it was his own foolishness that had caused all this sorrow in his life. Ever since he had been carried to this time, he had harbored such hatred for the man who had caused him to lose everything. But now he saw that the life he had left in the past wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to plant orchards. He didn’t want to marry Grace.

  He wanted Suzanne. He wanted Matty. He wanted to bring them to this place, stand with them on this hill, walk with them on the beach. He wanted to swing Matty in his arms, to show him by example how to be a man, to teach him what he knew of life and to learn along with him what he didn’t.

  He wanted to be a father.

  He wanted to be Matty’s father.

  And most of all, he wanted Suzanne.

  He pictured her in his mind, the way she had looked the day he’d left. Again, his throat felt tight. Never again would he cause her pain. This he vowed. He would spend his life making sure she was happy. If she would still have him.

  Suddenly he was gripped by the urge to get back to her, to beg her to forgive him. He took one last look at the spectacular view and turned away to walk down the hill. In the distance was the house. It was in need of major repairs, but they would do it together, build a life and a home.

  He knew in his soul it was the right thing to do. He could feel it in every part of him. Opening the car door, he got in and turned on the ignition.

  “Home,” he whispered, gazing with love at the land. Maybe he would never hold on to anything tightly again, but it was time to replant his roots.

  “Tell me the truth, Suzanne. I’ve signed up for the classes, but I really want to know. Is it as bad as all the old wives’ tales?”

  She laughed and reached out to pull Matty toward her in the water. He was sitting in a floating seat and loving every minute of being in Ingrid’s swimming pool. “You seriously want the truth?” she asked, making sure his cotton hat was shading his face. “You’re sure?” she added, pointedly looking across the water.

  Ingrid visibly swallowed and nodded.

  “Okay, I can only answer for myself. Labor and delivery were the hardest work I’ve ever done. But it’s worth it. Look at him.” She spun her son around.

  “It hurts, then.”

  “Of course it hurts, especially at the end. But you can do it, Ingrid. And if you can’t, then ask for drugs. No shame in it, as far as I can see. Matty’s birth just went fairly quickly.”

  “I’m scared, Suzanne.”

  She splashed her with water. “Get over it. Women have children every minute of every day. It’s natural, Ingrid. But I’ll hold your hand and you’ll do fine.”

  “I wish I was so sure.”

  “Look, you’re birthing new life, your body is contracting, helping it move down the birth canal. You’ve got to expect some pain.” Suddenly she thought about her own life and said, “You know, Ingrid, maybe that’s what we’ve been doing. Life presented us with some contractions, pushing and squeezing us toward a new life. It was painful, sometimes so much that we wanted to scream out to resist it. But we made it through, didn’t we?”

  Ingrid pushed Matty back toward her. “But you still won’t trust me, will you?”

  Sighing, Suzanne said, “I don’t know. Give it time. Like I said, this is a new life we’re living. Let’s not push it. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough pushing to last several lifetimes.”

  “Amen, sister, I’m ready to float for a while.” And she swam out to the deep end and turned over onto her back. “No remarks about whales!”

  Ingrid did look pretty funny, with her belly jutting out of the water. She stared at her friend. Yes, she could once more call Ingrid her friend. Not best friend. It wasn’t the same relationship. This was different, more guarded. It was something new and Suzanne had no idea where it would lead. She just knew she felt better about having Ingrid in her life again.

  Maybe this was forgiveness?

  Her cell phone rang and she yelled out to Ingrid, “Watch the baby,” as she hurried up the pool steps. Grabbing a towel with one hand, she scurried over to the chaise lounge where she had dropped her purse. She picked up the phone and flipped it open.

  “Hello?”

  There was nothing but static. She spun around, trying to find clearer reception. It didn’t work. She hit the phone a few times with the palm of her hand and tried again. “Hello?”

  Same thing. Shrugging, she closed the phone and threw it back on the cushion. “Where’s Matty?” she yelled out, watching as Ingrid whispered in his ear. “I’m coming to get you!” She walked to the deep end, seeing her son follow her every move. “Here I come,” she called out, right before diving in the water and coming up right in front of him.

  His mouth opened in surprise and then he laughed.

  “Did you hear him?” Suzanne spur
ted, wiping her face and staring at her son. “He laughed! A real laugh!”

  “Well, I would hope so. That was one of the worst dives I’ve ever seen.”

  Ignoring Ingrid’s remark, she said, “The other day, I swear I heard him say ‘mama’. It sounded just like mama. Say mama, Matty. Come on.”

  Ingrid ducked down behind Matty and whispered, “Mama. Promise when I’m older you’ll send me to a professional to learn to dive.”

  “Oh, give me my son,” Suzanne demanded, twirling Matty’s seat and watching the pleasure on his precious face. “I will remind you when your daughter is born that payback is a… no fun,” she corrected in deference to her son’s sensitive ears.

  “Oh, Suzanne, you’ll never tell her about… well, about what happened between us, will you?” Ingrid appeared terrified.

  “Of course I won’t. Why would I ever do such a thing?”

  “Do you think Kevin will? I mean, if he ever wants to see her?”

  She could only answer honestly. “I don’t know, Ingrid. I guess that’s part of taking responsibility for your choices. It’s a risk.”

  “I wish I could keep him away forever. I never want him anywhere near either of us again.”

  “I understand.”

  The phone rang again and Suzanne pushed Matty back toward Ingrid. “Watch the baby,” she called out, hurrying toward the steps. By the time she got out of the pool and reached the phone it had stopped ringing. Knowing her service would pick up, she said, “That’s the last interruption I’m allowing.”

  As she re-entered the water, she asked, “So when do you feed us? I’m starving.”

  Ingrid laughed. “Soon. The chicken is roasting. I promise you won’t starve.” Her mood suddenly became serious. “Hey…”

  Suzanne stared at her while untangling Matty’s fingers from her necklace. “What?”

  “We’re doing okay, aren’t we? Without men in our lives?”

  “Hmm, speak for yourself. I miss my man.”

  “I know you do, but we’re all right, aren’t we? We’re actually happy. We can do this single motherhood thing.”