Life as I Know It

by Melanie Rose

  I felt Teddy’s grip tighten on my hand and I looked down to find him staring with open hostility at the teacher, who had now turned her attention to him.

  “And you will be in with Miss Stevens today, Edward. Come along.”

  “No!” Teddy said, taking a step behind me. “Don’t like that.”

  “Come on, Teddy,” I cajoled. “You like it at nursery school, don’t you? I’m sure there will be lots of coloring and drawing to do.”

  “Want go with Toby.”

  “You can’t go with your brother, Edward,” the teacher said sternly. “You have to work with Miss Stevens until you have learned to sit quietly and form your letters.”

  Teddy began to cry, and I crouched down beside him, still holding his hand.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked gently. “You were happy here before the vacation started, weren’t you?”

  He shook his head, his face crumpled with the effort of trying to stop himself crying. He still had his ball clutched in his free hand and he let go of my hand to cuddle it to his chest.

  “Want go with Toby.”

  “It’s best if you leave, Mrs. Richardson,” the teacher said. “He’ll calm down as soon as you’ve gone.”

  I straightened up, not happy about leaving Teddy like this, but not sure if I was making matters worse by lingering. I wondered if he was feeling insecure because he wanted his real mother to bring him to school. Perhaps if I went, I reasoned, as I walked to the door, he would forget about me and settle down.

  But Teddy had other ideas about me leaving him, and I’d barely reached the outside door when he came flying after me, screaming at me not to go. My instinct was to go back to him, but the teacher caught him and held him as he thrashed and cried.

  “Please leave, Mrs. Richardson,” she said through gritted teeth. “I promise you he will be all right.”

  I left as quickly as I could, the sounds of Teddy’s screams still ringing in my ears.

  I made my way to a second door marked “School Office” at the side of the building, knocked and went in. A bespectacled secretary was sitting at a desk sorting through a pile of envelopes. She looked up when I entered and smiled thinly with brightly lipsticked lips.

  “Ah, Mrs. Richardson, Miss Webb is expecting you. Please go through to her office.”

  I glanced around and saw a second door marked “Headmistress,” knocked and went in.

  The woman with steel-gray hair sitting behind the enormous desk glanced up and gave me an even thinner smile than her secretary had managed. I thought it looked more like a grimace than a greeting, and immediately I felt on my guard.

  “Sit down, please, Mrs. Richardson.”

  It was definitely an order rather than an invitation, and I obeyed reluctantly. The visitor’s chair was slightly lower than Miss Webb’s, instantly putting me at a disadvantage. I stared at the whitewashed brick of the walls, where several charts and timetables hung in an immaculately straight line. The office was a severe workplace, reflecting, I suspected, the head’s own character, with none of the cheerful color of the nursery itself.

  Miss Webb leaned toward me, her elbows resting on the desk, her fingertips pressed together disapprovingly.

  “Have you given careful consideration to the matter we discussed before half-term, Mrs. Richardson?”

  “And what was that?” I hedged.

  “Oh, come now,” Miss Webb said condescendingly. “Let’s not play games.”

  I felt my hackles rise at the tone of her voice and struggled to keep my voice level.

  “I don’t play games, Miss Webb, not where my children’s welfare is concerned. I thought this meeting was to discuss whether the boys were to remain in this school?”

  She stared at me, her jaw working above the velvet collar of her jacket.

  “As we have already discussed, there are no issues with Toby. He seems a bright boy and I’m sure there will be no problem with him continuing into the lower prep class next September. Edward is the concern. He is, in my opinion, in need of specialist care. As I said before, I do not feel we have the facilities to help him. Have you found anywhere for him to go after Christmas?”

  “After Christmas? Can’t you keep him here until the end of the school year?”

  Miss Webb sighed rather rudely, and I resisted the temptation to reach across the pretentious acre of leather-topped desk and grab her by her scrawny throat.

  “Humor me, Miss Webb. Did you suggest to me that Teddy would be better off in residential care?”

  “That is what we discussed at the beginning of last term. And I have also pointed out that we do not allow the use of a child’s nickname in school.”

  I stood up, straightening my jacket. “I will of course have to discuss this with my husband. If he agrees with me, you will have half a term’s notice for both boys in writing by the end of the week, Miss Webb.”

  She stood up, too, on the far side of her desk. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Mrs. Richardson. Toby has been doing well with us.”

  “It could just as easily have been Toby who was having problems if he had been born second. It’s not the child you care about, Miss Webb, but your school’s reputation. Toby will probably do well anywhere, and I don’t believe this school has the right ethos for either of our boys. Good day to you.”

  I was so angry as I walked out of the school office that I forgot to check to see if the motorbike was still lurking. Unlocking the car door, I climbed in and started the engine, thinking of all the things I should have said to the stuck-up, self-opinionated Miss Webb.

  It wasn’t until the bike passed me a few moments later, then cruised in front of me as I drove toward home, that I remembered Lauren’s other pressing problem. The motorcyclist was jabbing his gloved hand to the left and looking ahead, and I saw a turning a little farther on. Sighing, I indicated left and eased the Galaxy into the small dirt lot, pulling in next to a vehicle where a dog walker was attaching a leash to the collar of a chocolate Labrador, which was standing in an open hatchback. I thought of Bessie, then Frankie, and wished she were here with me now. She would have been a comfort to me and perhaps a deterrent to this complete stranger who probably thought he was going to be able to persuade me that I loved him.

  Turning off the engine, I waited for the motorcyclist to park his bike and walk across to me. The dog walker locked her car and disappeared down a tree-lined track. I lowered the window as the man drew level with the car and watched as he pulled off his helmet. As I had guessed, it was the young man from the restaurant. He ran a hand through his blond hair and gazed beseechingly at me with his blue eyes.

  “Lauren, please give me a few minutes. I need to talk to you.”

  “I’m sorry. I explained the other night that I don’t remember you. There’s no point in talking if you mean nothing to me.”

  “You loved me once, Lauren… enough to promise to leave your family for me. Don’t you think you owe me a few minutes of your time?”

  I hesitated, and he picked up on it immediately. “Only five minutes,” he begged. “I promise I’ll leave you alone afterward.”

  “Okay. Get in. But don’t try anything. You’ve got five minutes.”

  As soon as he was in the car he tried to take my hand, but I pulled it away and turned sideways to face him.

  “I don’t even know your name.”

  “It’s Jason.”

  “Look, Jason. Whatever went on with us before is over. I’m not the same person I was before the lightning strike. I can understand that you miss what we had, but the Lauren you knew is gone for good.”

  Before I could say any more, he leaned over, took my face between his hands, and kissed me full on the lips. I was so surprised that for a moment I stayed there, held captive by his kiss. His lips were soft and moist and he smelled of an aftershave I couldn’t identify. Even his chin, rubbing against mine, was smooth, almost as if he had no need to shave. He reminded me of a boy I had once kissed in junior school.

 
Turning away so that he was obliged to pull back, I shook my head.

  “It’s no good, Jason. You can’t rekindle a love that I don’t recall ever existed. I don’t know you. I don’t love you.”

  He gazed wildly at me as if such a thing were beyond his comprehension. “I don’t believe you. You don’t love your husband, I know you don’t.”

  I lowered my eyes and he seized on the silent admission as if it were a lifeline. He grabbed me by the tops of my arms and shook me, just as Grant had done.

  “Look at me and tell me you’re in love with someone else, Lauren. Tell me that and I’ll believe you.”

  I thought of Dan and a shiver ran through me. I loved Dan more than anyone in the world, and I hugged this realization to me, unaware of the dreamy look that crossed my features.

  “I am in love with someone else, Jason,” I said gently. “And I’m staying with Grant and the family. I’m sorry that you are hurting, but there’s nothing I can do about my feelings. Think of the Lauren you knew as dead. I’m sure that if she was planning to leave the children for you, she must have loved you very much, but that isn’t me. Grieve for her, Jason, because that Lauren no longer exists.”

  He watched me for another moment, the hurt reflecting deep in his eyes, then he turned abruptly from me, opened the door, and strode away across the car park.

  Closing my eyes, I rested my head on the steering wheel, my hands gripped together in my lap. I heard the bike engine revving and the screech of tires on the hard-packed earth, and I knew I had hurt a virtual stranger more deeply than I had thought it possible to hurt anyone. By the time I reached home I felt exhausted. Karen took one look at me as I teetered silently into the immaculate kitchen and hurriedly put the kettle on.

  “You look like shit, Lauren,” she said as she rummaged in the cupboard for tea bags. “What the hell happened?”

  I told her about Miss Webb and how I’d have to start looking for a new nursery school for both the boys, and then I told her about Jason.

  “No wonder you look like you’ve just crawled out from a train wreck,” she said, forcing a mug of tea between my clasped hands. “I’m so sorry, Jessica. Lauren does seem to have left you with a few major problems.”

  We both turned sharply at the clattering sound of a vacuum cleaner hose being dropped on the white-tiled floor behind us, and found Elsie standing in the kitchen doorway. She was frowning at us, and I could see from the jerkiness of her movements as she crossed the kitchen that she’d heard Karen refer to me as Jessica.

  “Is everything all right, Elsie?” I asked sweetly. “It’s wonderful to have you back with us after the weekend. I’m sorry everywhere was such a mess, but I’m still having trouble remembering where everything goes.”

  “That’s all right, Mrs. Richardson,” she muttered, watching me carefully as if she thought I might metamorphose into some sort of monster before her very eyes.

  “I really must stop calling you by that silly nickname,” Karen said loudly as Elsie crossed to the cupboard and put the vacuum away. “Mother should never have given you that second name, should she? See how confusing it is?”

  “I don’t mind if you call me Lauren or Jessica,” I replied equally loudly. “Sisters can get away with anything. But don’t mind if I start calling you by your middle name.”

  We laughed the moment away, and when Elsie crossed back with the polish and a duster she seemed more at ease.

  As soon as we heard her moving about upstairs again, I hissed at Karen, “You’ve got to try to call me Lauren. I don’t want to end up locked away in a mental institution, or, worse still, in a science lab with doctors cutting bits off me.”

  “I know, I’m sorry,” she said sheepishly. “The trouble is, you don’t seem like Lauren at all now that I know who you really are. I’ve accepted that my sister is probably dead and it’s really hard seeing you walking about looking like her, let alone having to use her name for you.”

  I sipped at my tea and frowned. “I’m not happy about it, either. I don’t want to look like her, Karen. I was thinking of having my hair dyed back to Lauren’s natural color. If her roots are anything to go by, her hair is the same color as yours and Nicole’s, isn’t it?”

  Karen nodded. “I suppose so. I haven’t seen her natural coloring since we were both kids.”

  “Would it help you if I didn’t look so much like her?”

  Karen smiled. “It would be interesting. But it will make it harder still to remember to call you by her name.”

  I spent the rest of the day calling local schools for appointments to discuss Toby and Teddy’s special needs, practicing Lauren’s signature, checking her diary for forthcoming events, and making a hair appointment for the following day. I also did another two loads of laundry and put away piles of clothing in the children’s rooms, for what I hoped were the right owners.

  By the time I went out for the school pickup I was trembling with exhaustion. I’d had no idea that having a family entailed so much work. It worried me that Karen was carrying a large part of the workload and that she’d be gone next week, and I thanked my lucky stars that Grant employed Elsie. But next week was still going to be a struggle, especially getting up in time for school.

  As I pulled the car out of the garage and across the drive, I glanced along the street and my heart sank further. The motorbike was back, parked by the junction of the next turning: the black-helmeted head staring toward me. Jason was obviously not going to be put off by a few home truths.

  “Go away!” I muttered, thumping the steering wheel with the palm of my hands. “Leave me alone, you stupid man.”

  I accelerated away, but a glance in my rearview mirror told me that he was following me at a distance. He stayed with me all the way to the nursery school, where he parked a little way along the road, and he was still sitting there when I came out holding the boys by their hands and strapped them into their car seats.

  Driving on to the girls’ school, I realized I was spending more time looking in the mirror than at the road in front of me, and I forced myself to ignore him. I parked in the playground again, as the girls had instructed me, but to my dismay the motorbike followed me right into the school grounds. Climbing out of the car to wait with the other mothers, I kept glancing across until one of them asked if I knew him.

  I shook my head. “He’s nothing to do with me.”

  As soon as Sophie and Nicole arrived, I hurried them to the car, glancing over my shoulder to see if he was still watching.

  “Did you have a good day?” I asked the girls with false enthusiasm as they fastened their safety belts.

  “I told my class about Ginny,” Nicole said happily. “The teacher said I could bring her in to show everyone. Can I, Mummy?”

  I clambered into the driver’s seat and put my own belt on. “I don’t see why not.”

  “Mummy,” Sophie said suddenly, her voice anxious, “isn’t that the man you were talking to in the park?”

  I looked over to where Jason was sitting astride his bike, his helmet in his hands. He was staring openly at me now, his expression grim.

  I felt a tremor of fear run through me as I realized that Lauren’s lovesick beau was not going to take no for an answer. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate, it seemed that I now had a stalker.

  chapter fifteen

  By the time we arrived home, my hands were shaking so much that I couldn’t get Teddy’s safety belt undone. Jason had not only taken off his helmet so the children could identify him, but he’d also followed us home again and had taken up his previous position a short way up the road. I hoped he wouldn’t be stupid enough to still be there when Grant came home from work.

  Karen peered out of the window when I told her about him, but she said she couldn’t see him from there. I busied myself making the children drinks and biscuits to keep them going until the meal was ready, then spent the next hour in the kitchen while Karen supervised the girls’ homework.

  “How will I do t
his next week?” I asked her as I turned down the heat under the pans of potatoes and vegetables and turned the chops under the grill. I paused to wipe a wisp of blond hair out of my eyes. “I can’t be cooking the dinner and helping with homework at the same time. How did Lauren do it?”

  “Sshh,” she said, holding a finger up to her lips. “You’re talking about yourself in the third person again. How do you expect me to remember when you keep doing it?”

  Shrugging despondently, I tested the potatoes with a fork. “I think they’re ready.”

  “Shall I mash them?”

  “Yes please. What homework did the girls have today? Was there much?”

  “Sophie has spellings to learn, and a history sheet. Nicole only had some sums, and we’ve got to listen to both of them read out loud after tea.”

  Between us we managed to have the meal dished up and on the table in the dining room just as I heard Grant coming in from where he’d parked his car in the garage.

  “Go and wash your hands!” I called to the children. “Tea’s ready.”

  Grant came over and gave me a peck on the cheek. His face was slightly flushed, as if he’d had the heat turned up in his car—or was he angry because he’d spotted Jason parked in the road? I held my breath, expecting some sort of outburst, but none came.

  “What’s for dinner?”

  “Pork chops.”

  “We had pork yesterday, Lauren,” he groaned. “Your memory might be addled, but surely you have some common sense left?”

  It was tempting to tell him that I’d actually had roast beef the previous day, with Dan and Patrick, but I resisted the impulse and avoided his gaze. Karen had indeed made a lovely roast pork lunch for us all in this family’s yesterday, but that seemed so long ago to me, and so much had happened since then.

  My pulse quickened at the thought of Dan and how happy we had been the day before. I missed him while I was here, and I felt suddenly drained of emotion and heartily fed up with the whole situation.

  “Mummy?”

  I looked down to see Teddy staring up at me, his eyes troubled.