Life as I Know It

by Melanie Rose

  “What, Teddy?”

  “Don’t be sad, Mummy.”

  His troubled expression was an echo of my own, and I made an effort to smile down at him. “I won’t be sad. Not when I’m here with you. Come along, let’s go and eat.”

  “You eating with us?” Karen asked Grant somewhat sharply as we all sat down at the table.

  He looked at her, a surprised expression on his face. “Of course.”

  “Oh, it’s just that I thought I heard you complain that you didn’t want pork two days running.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Karen,” he said, picking up his knife and fork. “You know perfectly well that I didn’t mean I wasn’t having any.”

  “Lauren’s been working really hard in the kitchen,” Karen continued. “There’s not much left in the freezer. She could have made sandwiches, I suppose. It would have been less trouble.”

  Grant laid his knife and fork back down and stared bewilderedly at Karen. Then he seemed to understand what she was inferring and forced a smile. “This is very nice, Lauren. Thank you.”

  Karen picked up her own cutlery with a satisfied grin and gave me a wink across the table. I smiled back, realizing as I listened to the children’s chatter and watched the family interact, that I wasn’t sad anymore. Karen might be confrontational; Grant might be used to having his own way; this whole family might be very hard work, but I was beginning to think it might be worth every second of it to be here. To be Lauren.

  Monday morning was cold and dark. I walked Frankie briskly around the block, then gave her breakfast, which she wolfed down while I had a quick shower and donned one of my skirts and blouses and a warm coat for work. Arriving at the office at ten o’clock on the dot, I was feeling rather pleased with myself for my punctuality when Stephen walked in with a scowl on his face that would have soured milk.

  “Good morning, Stephen,” I said chirpily. “Would you like some coffee before you start?”

  He turned and glowered at me. “You,” he said, handing me his heavy overcoat, “can call me Mr. Armitage.”

  I gawked at him, not knowing what to say. Clara cleared her throat behind me and I turned to hang his coat on the stand to hide my confusion.

  “I’ll have that coffee, then you can come in to take notes. And hurry up, I haven’t got all day.”

  Clara raised her eyebrows as I poured a cup of coffee from the percolator and followed him into his office, closing the door behind me. Stephen was pacing up and down behind his desk.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked him. “Has something happened?”

  “The matter is that we have a huge workload to get through, Jessica. I’d appreciate it if you would stop talking and start working.”

  “Is it your mother?” I asked, remembering that his mother had suffered from angina when he and I had been together. “Is she all right?”

  He turned on me, his eyes flashing angrily. “How my mother might be feeling is no concern of yours. You wanted to keep our relationship on a strictly work level, so I’d rather you didn’t ask personal questions. Now, please take notes.”

  I felt the color rush to my face, but I sat down obediently in the chair and opened my notebook.

  “I’m ready when you are, Mr. Armitage,” I said coldly.

  Stephen kept me so busy all morning taking notes, then typing forty pages of a lease, that I didn’t even have time for a quick coffee or to speak to Clara. By lunchtime I was gasping for a drink, and when I glanced at my watch I found it was after two o’clock.

  “I have to go home and take Frankie out for a walk,” I said at last.

  “I need you to work through lunch today,” Stephen said calmly.

  “I’m entitled to a lunch break,” I insisted.

  “I’ve checked your contract,” he said smoothly. “It says that your breaks are at your boss’s discretion.”

  Biting my lip, I picked up my pen again, but then thought better of toeing the line for this man who had once meant something to me, and who had never taken my feelings into consideration even when we had been a couple. I pictured Frankie desperately watching the door, waiting for me to come home and let her out, and I pushed back my chair noisily.

  “I’m going for my lunch now, Mr. Armitage. I’ll be back in half an hour.”

  “I’ve told you, I need you to work.”

  “Rubbish! You are being petty-minded and childish. If it was just me, I’d put up with it, but I won’t have Frankie peeing on the carpet because you’ve decided to make me suffer.”

  “If you walk out of that door, you needn’t come back, Miss Taylor.”

  “I’ll be back here in thirty minutes,” I said, walking toward the door. “Otherwise I’ll sue you for unfair dismissal.”

  My blood boiling, I grabbed my coat and stalked out of the office. Clara’s chair was empty, and I presumed she’d already gone for her lunch. Hurrying home with quick, angry strides, I let myself into the flat and crouched to cuddle Frankie, who was, as always, delighted to see me. While she ran madly around the lawn outside, I put the kettle on for a cup of tea and rummaged in the fridge for something to eat. Stephen hadn’t even allowed me out of his office when the sandwich girl had arrived, so I’d been unable to buy anything for my lunch.

  As soon as I’d eaten and drunk my tea, I took Frankie for a walk, then headed back to the office, hoping that Stephen had had a chance to cool off.

  When I got there I walked up the stone steps and pushed the front door to Chisleworth & Partners. It was locked. Ringing the bell, I waited impatiently while Clara came to the door. She opened it and stared at me nervously.

  “I can’t let you in, Jessica. Mr. Armitage has sacked you! He said if anyone lets you in he’ll sack them as well.”

  “What!” I said, aghast. “He can’t do that! He has to give me proper notice at least.”

  “He says you slapped him, Jessica. What did you do that for?”

  “I didn’t touch him!” I cried indignantly. “You didn’t hear any slapping sounds, did you?”

  “He says it was after I’d gone to lunch. He said you were taking it badly that he didn’t like your new boyfriend—that you flew into a rage and hit him!”

  “He’s lying,” I said stonily. “You don’t believe him, do you, Clara?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know what to believe. You have been acting strangely since that lightning strike, and anyway…” She paused and wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I can’t afford to lose my job.”

  “I’ll take him to a tribunal,” I fumed. “I’ve worked here since I left college!”

  “Mr. Armitage said to tell you that it’s instant dismissal for physical assault. He doesn’t have to give you notice. And Jessica”—she lowered her voice—“he says he won’t give you a reference, so don’t bother to ask. I’m really sorry.”

  I stared at her frightened eyes and shrugged. “I’m sorry too, Clara. Good-bye.”

  Turning on my heel, I walked down the steps onto the pavement and strode back down the street the way I’d come.

  As soon as I reached the sanctuary of my flat, I sank down onto the sofa and put my head in my hands. This was Stephen’s revenge for my choosing Dan over him. Even though he’d refused to make a commitment to me himself, he couldn’t bear to let anyone else have me. I also feared that trying to fight a solicitor within the legal system would be a waste of time. My career could well be in ruins.

  For a long time I sat there, feeling sorry for myself. Frankie came and rested her head on my knee, staring up at me with big, soulful eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even have a solicitor. Stephen had always handled things like the exchange of contracts for my flat and the drawing up of my will, and I couldn’t very well get him to sue himself.

  Stroking Frankie’s silky ears, I gazed into space. I’d not only lost my job, I’d lost a friend, too. At this moment I wasn’t sure my friendship with Clara could ever recover from her shutting the door in my face like that. And even if I forgave her, I t
hought unhappily, why would she want to socialize with an out-of-work nobody who had started having lengthy, unexplained fainting fits?

  The afternoon faded into evening. The room darkened around me and I couldn’t be bothered to turn on the lights. I stared through the gloom at the phone, longing to call Dan and pour my heart out to him.

  The phone rang, crashing through the silence, making Frankie and me jump. I snatched it up, wondering if it might be Stephen ringing to apologize for his behavior. It wasn’t, it was Dan, and I breathed a sigh of relief, my wretchedness dissipating instantly at the sound of his voice.

  “How are you today?” he asked. “Everything okay?”

  His concern acted like a balm to my shattered nerves and, incredibly, I felt myself smiling.

  “Something awful happened today.”

  “Oh dear. That doesn’t sound good. Do you want to come out for a drink this evening and talk about it?”

  I turned on the table lamp and looked at the clock. It was half past five.

  “That would be great, Dan. Where shall I meet you?” “I’ll come and collect you at, say, eight o’clock?”

  “Nine would be better, if you don’t mind,” I said, thinking quickly.

  “No classes with your friend Clara then?” I remembered my lie with a guilty pang. “No. I’m not going to any more of those.”

  “See you at nine then. Bye.”

  As soon as I’d replaced the handset I grabbed Frankie and took her for another walk. It was strange how wintry it seemed, now that the clocks had changed, and I was shivering by the time we’d made our way home through the dark, despite my coat. I wished I still had my sheepskin jacket, but that had been consigned to the dustbin.

  I fed Frankie and got myself ready for my date with Dan, having another quick shower and refreshing my makeup. Then I laid out the shoes I was going to wear, next to my handbag, and climbed fully clothed into bed as the hand of the bedside clock arrived at ten to seven. I fell asleep almost immediately, and in no time at all I found myself waking up in Lauren’s double bed.

  Karen was delighted to see me when I appeared downstairs dressed and ready to see to the children, and I was guiltily relieved to find that Grant had already left for work.

  “I have been wondering how you were going to get the children to school when I go home next week,” she said, putting down the cornflakes box and kissing me on the cheek. “How did you manage this?”

  “Jessica is going out at nine o’clock. I reckoned I should be back from the school run by then. I’ve simply got to climb out of bed and I’m ready to go. I don’t think anyone will miss Lauren this morning if I go back to bed for a couple of hours.”

  “Bloody hell,” Karen said. “You’re sailing close to the proverbial wind, aren’t you?”

  “I’ll go back to bed until twelve; that’ll give me three hours with my friend. Then I’ll have to get up because Lauren has a hair appointment at one o’clock, and I’m being shown around a school at two-thirty.”

  “Have you scheduled lunch into your plans, or are you going on a crash diet?”

  “I’ll have a sandwich when I get up, don’t worry,” I said with a grin.

  “Which ‘get up’ is that?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Here,” I said. “But I haven’t eaten yet in my other world, so I’m hoping drinks with Dan will turn into dinner.”

  She rolled her eyes heavenward, then fixed her gaze on me with renewed interest.

  “Dan? Is he your boyfriend?”

  “I only met him last weekend,” I said, unable to prevent the dreamy tone creeping into my voice. “But he’s everything I’ve ever imagined in my wildest dreams. He’s wonderful.”

  “This is so weird,” Karen said, pouring cereal into four bowls. “You’ve got a jealous husband to deal with, a jilted lover who appears to be stalking you, and all the time you’re in love with this Dan fellow. How can you cope with all this at once?”

  “I don’t have a choice, Karen. My other life is as important to me as this one, more so in fact, because that’s who I really am. It isn’t real to you because you don’t know me as Jessica, but I’m there just as often as I’m here.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t help feeling you’re going to come apart at some point, Lauren. You’re like a juggler with all your balls in the air at the same time.”

  “I’ll manage,” I promised her, changing the subject quickly. “Are the children awake yet?”

  “I’ve just woken them. The girls are putting their uniforms on but the twins need a bit of help—they’ll wear whatever you put out for them.”

  I hurried upstairs and looked in on the boys, who were fighting over who was going to wear what.

  “Come on, guys,” I urged. “Your cornflakes will get soggy.”

  I helped Teddy struggle into a pair of gray trousers and a blue sweatshirt. By the time he was ready Toby had already run downstairs, having dressed himself at lightning speed, and was sitting at the breakfast bar wolfing down his cereal.

  I braided Sophie’s long hair and was handing out drinks cartons and cereal bars for their breaks when Nicole produced a slip of paper from her blazer pocket.

  “It’s about our class play,” she said. “You’ve got to fill it in to say if you and Daddy are coming or not.” She looked up at me with an imploring expression. “Please can you come this time, Mummy? All the other mums and dads are coming.”

  “Of course,” I said, smiling at her. “What part are you playing?”

  “I’m a lamb,” she informed me importantly. “I’m going to be given to the baby Jesus as a present.”

  I found a pen and started filling in the form, pausing to look at Karen. “Would you like to come, too?”

  “When is it?”

  I scanned the letter. “The second of December.”

  She grinned at me. “It’s a ways off, but yeah, I can probably get away from work early. I’d like to see our Nicole performing. Put me down as a yes.”

  I filled the form in quickly and put it in Nicole’s blazer pocket.

  “You will really come, won’t you?” she asked anxiously.

  “I promise,” I said, smiling.

  As I drove the children to their respective schools and nursery I scanned the traffic anxiously for signs of the motorbike, but was relieved that, for the moment at least, Jason seemed to have given up on the idea of following me about.

  Teddy clung to me again when I took him in, and I had to leave him crying, which left me with a leaden feeling in my stomach all the way home. I wondered how Lauren had stood it.

  As I parked the car in the garage, I hoped that the school I would be looking at later turned out to be suitable. I didn’t want to leave him at that nursery school any longer than was necessary.

  I arrived home at about two minutes to nine, called a greeting to Karen, and bounded upstairs to my bedroom. Elsie was emerging with a can of polish and a duster in her hand.

  “Miss Harper told me you weren’t feeling all that well and that you’d be wanting a lie down, so I’ve done your room for you, Mrs. Richardson.”

  “Thank you, Elsie,” I said, realizing after a moment’s confusion that Harper was Karen’s surname. I remembered her using it at the farm. My maiden name, I thought with a jolt. How little I really knew about this woman whose life I was living.

  Closing the curtains, and without bothering to undress, I kicked off my shoes and climbed into bed. Several deep breaths later I felt myself drifting off to sleep. My last thought as my soul disconnected from Lauren was that this must be part of the big plan; otherwise how would I be able to send myself to sleep as easily as this and slip away like a ghost in the night?

  Rousing to the sounds of pounding on the front door and Frankie’s excited barking, I sat up in bed and swung my legs around until my feet touched the floor. Slipping my feet into the shoes I’d left by the bed, I scooped up my bag and coat, made my way through the sitting room, and grabbed Frankie’s collar as I opened
the door, to find Dan standing silhouetted against the dark night.

  “I thought something had happened to you!” he gasped, stepping forward and enveloping me in a big hug. “I’ve been knocking for ten minutes!”

  “I’m sorry. I lay down on the bed for a moment. I must have dropped off.”

  He pushed me backward into the flat and closed the door on the cold night air. He was eyeing me suspiciously. “You sleep like the dead, Jessica. Are you sure you’re all right?”

  “I’m fine, honestly. A bit hungry maybe… have you eaten yet?”

  He shook his head. “I thought we might grab a bite in the pub.”

  “Great,” I said, opening the door again. “Let’s go.”

  I could see he was suspicious, but he remained quiet as he drove up onto the Downs and parked outside a busy pub. When he turned the engine off, he sat quietly, making no attempt to get out of the car.

  “Tell me the truth, Jessica,” he said, swiveling to look into my eyes in the gloomy light seeping from the pub window. “Did you pass out again?”

  I hesitated, not sure how much to tell him. In the end I nodded. “I suppose I might have. I lay on the bed as soon as I was ready, and I didn’t wake until I heard you hammering on the door. It’s difficult to tell really.”

  “I want you to go back to the doctor,” he said, taking my hand and squeezing it gently. “Something isn’t right here, and I think you should be thoroughly checked out.”

  “I will,” I promised. “I’ll book an appointment with my doctor first thing tomorrow morning.” I realized with a pang of guilt that not only was I lying to him, I also had no intention of keeping that other appointment that I, or rather Lauren, had made with the counselor in my other life.

  He leaned over and kissed me. “I care about you, you know. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “It won’t,” I told him, thinking about his mother. “If there’s anything wrong it’s bound to be due to the lightning strike. I was fine before that. I expect my body needs time to recover, that’s all.”

  “I hope so,” he said firmly. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “And I don’t want to be lost,” I said with a reassuring smile. “I care for you, too, Dan. Very much.”