Life as I Know It

by Melanie Rose

  We made our way into the warm, noisy atmosphere of the pub and found ourselves a table for two in one corner. Dan went to order drinks while I looked at the bar menu, though I found it hard to concentrate. Dan had said he cared for me, but if he thought there was something really wrong with me would he still stick around? I dreaded to think what he would say if he knew the truth about my shared existence with Lauren.

  Dan arrived back at the table with our drinks and I sipped at my water while he studied the menu. When we’d made our choices I went up to the bar and ordered our meals, then returned and sat with my hand resting on his.

  “Tell me about this terrible day of yours,” he said, putting his glass of lager down. “It sounded as if it must have been pretty bad.”

  “Stephen sacked me,” I said bluntly. “He made up some story about me hitting him and cited instant dismissal.”

  Dan looked suitably horrified. “No!”

  I nodded grimly. “He kept me working all morning and half the afternoon without a break, and when I insisted on being allowed half an hour to walk Frankie, he told me that if I left I couldn’t come back. I didn’t really believe him. I thought he was jealous because of you, and just letting off steam.”

  “You’re not going to let him get away with it, are you?”

  “I could go to a tribunal, but Stephen knows all the solicitors hereabouts. He’d make sure I didn’t get a fair hearing.”

  “You’ve got to do something. He’s behaving like a spoiled child. It seems to me that he wanted you back solely because he didn’t want anyone else to have you. And now, because you’ve rejected him, he’s punishing you.”

  “I know. I’ve been going over it all afternoon. I thought I might go to the Citizens Advice Bureau tomorrow and see if they can help.”

  He squeezed my hand reassuringly. “I’m so sorry, Jessica, this is my fault. If he hadn’t found me at your flat you’d still have your job now.”

  I smiled at him. “I’d rather have you.”

  Our food arrived and we ate quickly, knowing that all we really wanted was to be cuddled in each other’s arms. As soon as we’d finished, I invited him back to the flat, and we only just made it in through the front door before our lips met hungrily and we were tugging at each other’s clothes as we bundled toward the bedroom.

  Later, lying snug together under my duvet, Dan rested his chin on my shoulder and stroked my hair.

  “You’re beautiful, Jessica, did you know that?”

  “Would you still want me if I was old and covered in stretch marks?”

  “I would,” he said. “I love the person you are inside.” Thrilling at his words, I kissed him gently. “Do you know what you just said?”

  “I do, and it’s true. I love you, Jessica,” he murmured into my hair.

  “I love you too, Dan,” I whispered as I rested my head against his chest. “I’ve loved you since the first moment I set eyes on you up on the Downs.”

  chapter sixteen

  Dan had left at midnight, which was just as well, I thought, as I climbed out of Lauren’s bed and headed for the bathroom. The last thing I’d wanted was for him to leave, but my eyes had strayed to the bedside clock and I’d been aware that Lauren’s day was ticking by.

  He’d seen me looking and thought I was tired. We’d held each other passionately, not really wanting to part, but then he’d groped about for his discarded clothes and begun to dress.

  As soon as he was gone, I’d patted Frankie good night and slid back under the covers, closed my eyes, and let Jessica sleep.

  Lauren looked pretty good, I decided, peering into her mirror. I brushed her blond hair off her shoulders and swiveled to look at the burns, which had miraculously all but healed in the week and a half since the accident. All that was now visible of the massive electrical shock that had killed her was a slight reddening of the skin.

  “Karen!” I called as I walked through the kitchen a few minutes later, carrying the requisite bundle of laundry, which I shoved into the machine. “Karen, where are you?” Elsie had finished for the morning and the house was silent. I wandered back into the kitchen to make myself the sandwich I’d promised Karen I’d eat before going out. Opening the fridge, I found a note propped against a pack of cheddar:

  Lauren, I’m going to visit Jessica in Epsom. Back later.

  Love Karen

  I folded the note up, put it in the pocket of Lauren’s jacket, and tried to think. Had I given her proper instructions? Would she be in any danger? My mind was in turmoil as I automatically buttered bread, sliced tomatoes, and grated the cheese. Perched at the breakfast bar, my mouth was almost too dry to eat, but I chewed on the sandwich halfheartedly, knowing that Lauren must eat before she… before I… went out.

  Later, sitting in the hairdresser’s, I listened to the mindless chatter of the girl who did Lauren’s hair. She had been surprised at my request to dye my highlighted locks back to their natural color, and had persuaded me to go for lowlights instead of a solid dye.

  “It will give you time to get used to the changeover,” she said as she wrapped strands of my hair in silver foil. “It will certainly cover this singed area better, and if you like it you can go darker later on.”

  The whole process took a lot longer than I had anticipated, and as soon as the last blast of the hair dryer fell silent I shot over to the desk to pay.

  “You look lovely,” the receptionist said admiringly. “I’m sure your husband will like it.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured, knowing full well that Grant would probably hate it. But I hadn’t done it for him, I’d done it for me and for Karen, and from the moment I’d looked into the mirror at my newly blow-dried locks I knew I had made the right decision.

  Arriving at the local infant school five minutes late, I flew through the door to find a matronly looking woman waiting for me in her office. She introduced herself as Mrs. Hoskins, the headmistress.

  “Please sit down and tell me about your boys,” she said, opening a file, which I assumed had the contents of our phone call within its covers.

  I told her about Toby’s cleverness, and Teddy’s delayed entry into the world and how he struggled with things the rest of us took for granted. “But,” I continued, taking a rolled-up sheet of paper from my bag, “look at how artistic he is.”

  I spread the drawing of myself on her desk and she studied it carefully.

  “Your son certainly shows a flare for art,” she said, sitting back. “We do have a special-needs unit attached to the school here, but it might be best for Teddy to integrate with the rest of the class and still have help from the special-needs teachers where necessary. I’m assuming Teddy has been assessed by an educational psychologist?”

  Feeling myself color, I nodded quickly. I couldn’t very well tell the headmistress that I had no idea whether my child had been assessed or not, but if that was the criterion for getting Teddy a place in her school, I would have to pretend that I knew he had.

  She smiled. “If you could just send us a copy of the report, it would enable us to give Teddy the support where he most needs it.”

  “Yes, of course. I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.”

  “Toby, of course, will have no problem getting on. We have a very high percentage of bright children here. Would you like to see the unit for yourself?”

  I nodded again and accompanied her on a tour of the school, following her through the mainstream classrooms and the special-needs unit, where several children were receiving one-to-one instruction. The atmosphere was one of warmth and calm. The teachers seemed dedicated and kind, the children happy.

  “Could I put both the boys’ names down?” I asked as we returned to her office twenty minutes later. “I think this environment will suit them perfectly.”

  “Of course,” she said, smiling. “You live in our catchment area, so there should be no problem.”

  “How soon could they start?”

  Mrs. Hoskins looked again at her notes
, which included the twins’ date of birth. “They can start next term if you like. If you could fill in these forms and return them to me in the next few days, with the psychologist’s report, I will send you confirmation of their places.”

  I wanted to race around the desk and hug her, but I smiled broadly instead.

  “Thank you so much,” I said, holding out my hand. “I’ll be in touch as soon as I’ve spoken to my husband.”

  Glancing at my watch, I hurried back to the car and set off for the school pickups. The boys finished at three-thirty and I was late. Driving as quickly as the speed limit allowed, I glanced in my rearview mirror then turned into the road where the nursery school was situated. My heart gave a jolt as I spotted the bike parked a hundred yards from the nursery-school entrance. Jason was lying in wait in the one place he could be certain I would show up.

  As I climbed out of the car, he removed his helmet again and sat staring at me, a look of longing on his face. I hurried into the building and stood with the other mums waiting for our children to emerge.

  Teddy seemed happy enough when I spotted him among the throng of children piling out of the door, and I hoped the teachers were telling me the truth when they said he’d stopped crying the moment I’d left him that morning.

  Both boys rushed up to me, and Teddy threw his arms around my waist. I gently detached him, held them both by their hands, and walked them to where I’d parked. Jason was still there, watching me, and I had the horrible feeling he was going to follow me to the girls’ school, as he had done the day before.

  Once the girls were collected I drove back home, with half my mind occupied by how Karen might be getting on and the other half wondering if the bike was still following me. The children chatted about what they’d done in school and I tried to remember to make the right noises in the right places.

  To my enormous relief, Karen was waiting for us when we walked through the door. The delicious smells emanating from the kitchen told me she’d started dinner, and I asked the girls to go out and feed their pets before we ate to give us a minute alone together.

  The two girls went off clutching carrots and greens, led by Sophie, who held a torch, while the boys stayed in the playroom to unwind and watch TV.

  “What happened?” I begged Karen as soon as we were alone.

  “Should I tell you?” she asked. “After all, today hasn’t happened for you yet. Won’t I be changing the laws of physics if I tell you what you’re going to do and say tomorrow?”

  “You saw me then?”

  She nodded. “I saw you, and we talked. I love your little dog, too. You must miss her while you’re here.”

  “What time did you get there… did the time change or anything?”

  She shook her head as she stirred the Bolognese sauce and checked to make sure the spaghetti wasn’t burning.

  “I don’t think I should tell you too much about it, but no, the time didn’t change. You were there today, wide awake, while Lauren was awake here.”

  “Wow!”

  “Time must change only for you,” she went on calmly, as if discussing the most natural thing in the world. “So you can cope with being in two places at the same time. For the rest of us Tuesday is Tuesday. It’s only you who hasn’t experienced Jessica’s Tuesday yet.”

  I realized that Karen was more relaxed now that she’d actually met me as Jessica. It was as if she’d come to terms with the strange reality of the situation. She’d had the ultimate proof and was taking it in stride.

  “I can hardly believe it,” I breathed, shaking my head, wishing I could be as levelheaded as Karen. “Jessica was there today, but I haven’t experienced it yet.”

  “I wouldn’t think about it too much if I were you,” she said, draining the spaghetti into the colander over the sink. “You’ll drive yourself crazy. But I can assure you that it works, whatever this thing is that happens to enable you to be in two places at the same time.”

  “Did we get along?” I asked, ignoring her advice to limit the conversation. “Did you recognize me?”

  We fell silent as the girls came back indoors and went to join their brothers watching television, then Karen gave a little laugh.

  “It took me a little while to adjust to your appearance, but once we got talking I would have known you anywhere. You’re exactly the same person, you say and do the same things, even though your voice and looks are different.” She paused, reached out a hand, and patted my hair. “I like this very much by the way. Less like Lauren and much easier for me to cope with.”

  “Thanks, but tell me more about what you thought of the real me.”

  “I knew you were, you know… you, in exactly the same way that last week I suspected you couldn’t be Lauren. You and my sister are such different people. I’m surprised Grant hasn’t sussed it out really.”

  “I wish Jason would suss it out,” I said quietly. “He was waiting for me when I got to the nursery school again. He followed me and watched me while I collected the girls. He gives me the creeps, Karen.”

  We called the children in to have their tea, then I supervised their homework and listened to the girls read. After their baths I read to the boys, and by seven o’clock Grant was home. We ate the remains of the spaghetti Bolognese with Karen in the dining room while he told us about the rigors of his day at the practice.

  After clearing away the food and moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I joined Grant in the living room to fill him in on what had happened with my appointment at the school.

  He stared at me as if noticing my hair for the first time. “You’ve done something to your hair,” he said accusingly.

  “Do you like it?” I asked. “I had lowlights instead of highlights for a change, since it covers the singed section.”

  “It’s different,” he said noncommittally. “You don’t look like you.”

  “Actually, it looks more like the real me, because it’s closer to my natural coloring,” I said.

  Grant frowned, and I remembered Karen’s assertion that over the years he had modeled Lauren to his own liking, but I hurried on, telling him about the school I’d visited.

  “We’re in the catchment area, so there’s no problem with getting the boys in. We need to have Teddy assessed, though.”

  “He’s been assessed, Lauren. That’s why you’ve been looking at alternative schools. The report is in the safe. Here,” he said, scribbling a number on the pad by the phone.

  “This is the combination. You can send it on to the headmistress tomorrow.”

  “Thank you, Grant,” I said in relief. “It’s perfect for Teddy, as there’s a special-needs unit attached to the school, but he will still mix with the other children.” I took a deep breath. “And I think Toby will do very well there, too. It seems a friendly and caring environment.”

  “Toby’s not going there. We’ve had his name down at several good schools locally. It wouldn’t be fair to educate the girls privately and send Toby to a state school.”

  “He’s bright,” I said. “He’ll do well anywhere.”

  “No,” Grant replied, rising to his feet and pacing across the powder-blue carpet. “I won’t have Toby sent there.”

  “But Grant! We can’t use the state system just for our special-needs child and not also send his brother.”

  “I won’t have it,” Grant said stubbornly. “You can send Teddy there if you want, I agree it sounds right for him, but Toby stays at the nursery school and goes to one of the private schools we’ve already chosen.”

  “Can we afford to put three children through private school?”

  Grant rolled his eyes. “I keep forgetting the amnesia. My parents have made provision to educate the children, Lauren. They’ve been paying into the fund for years and the school fees will never be a problem. In fact, there will be money to spare if Teddy isn’t educated privately, too.”

  I stared at Grant, irritated by his stubborn insistence that Toby couldn’t go to the same school as
his brother, especially when he hadn’t even seen the place. I didn’t want to let the pompous Miss Webb have the satisfaction of keeping Toby, but then I remembered the children were Grant’s. They weren’t really mine, and I was new at this parenting thing. Did I have the right to change what their father wanted for them? I wondered.

  Remembering that we had to continue to live together in some sort of harmony, I decided for the sake of peace between us that I wouldn’t press the point. “Is that your final decision about Toby then?”

  “Absolutely. Fill in the forms for Teddy. Toby stays put.”

  As I went up to bed I peeked into each of the children’s rooms. Toby was asleep on his back, his mouth open. Teddy was curled up, clutching his ball. The girls were both on their sides, their long hair spilling over their pillows. I stood watching them for a while, wondering again how Lauren could ever have contemplated leaving them. They were lovely children and I felt so, so lucky to be given the chance to be a part of their lives.

  On Tuesday morning I walked to the Citizens Advice Bureau, with Frankie trotting at my heels, to ask about representation for a tribunal for unfair dismissal. Now that I’d had a chance to cool off and think things through in a rational manner, I’d decided there was no way I was going to let Stephen get away with it. It appeared that without witnesses to the supposed assault, Stephen’s case rested on pretty shaky ground. I walked home again, determined to fight him all the way. It wasn’t that I wanted my job back, in fact the thought of working for him again after this was impossible, but I wanted justice, and I wanted a good reference so I could look around for something else.

  After a short shopping trip, I went home to await Karen’s visit. I knew that although she had been reluctant to tell me much about it yesterday, I would find out exactly what went on in person today.

  At twelve o’clock I heard a tentative knock at the front door. Frankie raced me to the door, barking wildly, and I opened it to find Karen standing on the step looking nervous and apprehensive.