What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  I asked her why she treated me the way she did. She said to me, like I was nothing, “I could have left you on the street. Or maybe I could have killed you or even aborted you at birth. Did you ever think of that? Get out of my face, I birthed you. That is enough. I don’t owe you shit, Tanya.” Then she said, “When you was a baby I thought of putting a pillow over your face to make you stop crying. I thought about falling down the steps when I was pregnant with you all the time. You know that? I hated you. You took away everything from me. I was only sixteen when I had you. Your dad went away to college and I never told Mom-Mom who he was because he would have denied me and you.”

  I told her she could have taken him to child support court or something. She said, “Back then we didn’t do all that.” Then she told me, “You should just be lucky that I had you. My mother wouldn’t help me. No, she made me go and get my own apartment and work and live on my own. All my other friends, they had kids, but their mothers helped them. When I first left you I wasn’t thinking about not coming back. I was only supposed to go away for the weekend. Then when I got out there, those streets felt good. It felt real good. Then I got with my girlfriends and we met guys and they introduced me to crack. I didn’t know I would get hooked.”

  After that conversation I never looked at Saundra the same. I hate that bitch. They tell you in school don’t do drugs, don’t sell drugs, because you’re going to die from them. They say if you take them and if you deal them, you’re going to get killed. If that’s true, how come every smoker around my way is still alive? When I was younger my mother would come and would stay for a few months to try to get clean, go to rehab, then go back to the streets and not call for months. I don’t think she is dead A couple of times my grandmother went to identify bodies that matched my mother’s description, but they weren’t her. I wished one was her so I could finally cash in the insurance policy my grandmother had on her. And I could stop thinking about her and my mom-mom could stop worrying so much and we could go on with our lives.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Janelle

  I went home to get some of my stuff. To my surprise, everything looked the same.

  “Mom, I can’t believe it’s not a mess in here!” I said as I walked into my apartment. I gave her a hug and we caught up on everything that had happened in the last few weeks. It felt good to be home.

  I went past my old job to pick up my last check. The line was still to the back of the store. Hundreds of people still in line, looking frustrated. The store looked so unorganized. I saw Shana behind the register. She ran from behind the counter and gave me a hug.

  “Your skin is glowing. You got a good tan,” she screamed.

  “Thank you.”

  “So, you just up and stayed in Miami?”

  “Basically,” I said. “Where is Joan?”

  “She went to go get lunch.”

  “That figures. Do you know where my check is?”

  “No, but you know they gave me your job.”

  “What?”

  “Yes, and it has been on-the-job training. It’s the blind leading the blind.”

  “I can’t believe that,” I said as my phone rang. It was Damon.

  “I miss you, baby girl,” he said.

  “I miss you too, Dame. I’ll be back tomorrow.” He blew me a kiss over the phone and said bye. I hung my phone up and Shana said, “Goddamn, can I be you? Nobody ever calls me to say that they miss me in the middle of the day.” She then told me she would get my check for me.

  I looked at my check. It was seven hundred dollars after taxes. Now I spend that on a pair of sandals. I was relieved that I didn’t work there any longer, ’cause I hated that job. I don’t know why I stuck around so long. Why do people continue to work jobs they hate? I know why—money.

  I went to see Natalie. She was at her mom’s house.

  “How is everything going with Anthony?”

  “The last time I talked to him, he snatched my ring off my hand. I have been so sad. I tried calling his house. Ms. Renee answered and told me that I was the child of the devil and not to call her house anymore.”

  “Don’t pay him any attention. He’ll come around. He will call you and want to come back home. He thinks he is paying you back for having fun. You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing! You are a young person, you deserve to have fun and enjoy yourself. Yes, I will admit, you were wrong for going on vacation without telling him. But that still does not give him any right to disrespect you or divorce you.

  “So you know I’m staying in Miami for good.”

  “What? Are you serious?”

  “I’m just up here to get my clothes and stuff.”

  “What about your job?”

  “I quit. I have been going shopping all the time and just relaxing. Miami is just so beautiful.”

  “That sounds so nice.”

  “So how about Sean keep calling my phone?” I said.

  “What you say to him? I know he asked where you been.”

  “I haven’t answered his calls.”

  “Wait till he catch up with you,” she said.

  “I know. Well, I got to meet my mom. Then I’m going to the airport. I’ll call you tomorrow. Try not to worry about everything.”

  “I’ll try not to, but it’s hard,” she said. I gave Nat a hug and left.

  I took my mother out to eat at Outback Steak House. We hadn’t been out just us two in a while and my mother loved their bread. She told me how she liked her new job, how Uncle Teddy was dating one of her coworkers, and that the boys had had contact with their dad.

  “How is that going?”

  “It’s okay. I had left him a message saying your sons are right down the street, call them. They are boys, they need a man. I guess his conscience got the best of him, because he called.”

  Then my mother told me that she revealed to Sean that I was coming home.

  “Mom, why did you tell him?”

  “I got tired of him calling.”

  “So you just tell him all my business?”

  “I didn’t tell him anything.”

  “When was the last time you talked to him?”

  “He called today when you were downtown.”

  “So what did you tell him?”

  “Nothing.”

  I gave my mom a look.

  We ate our meal and drove back to the apartment. My mom was going to drive me back to the airport. I just wanted to get out of there before Sean showed up. I did not want to see him at all. He is going to be mad as shit at me. He probably wants to hurt me. I haven’t returned or answered his calls. I don’t think he is actually missing me. I think he is more upset that he doesn’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know; he will just have to get the picture. I sent him his money. What else does he want?

  I had grabbed my suitcase and we were halfway out the door when I saw Sean in the hallway. My mother looked at me and said, “I’m going to leave ya’ll alone for a minute.”

  I was left by myself in the hallway. Either Sean had perfect timing or my mother set me up.

  As soon as she shut the door, Sean pushed me up against the wall and said, “Janelle, where the hell have you been?”

  “I moved,” I said as I pushed him away.

  “Okay, you moved. Does that stop you from calling me? I mean damn, you don’t know how to return a nigga’s phone call?” he asked with a real serious look.

  “I have been busy. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just didn’t know how to tell you I moved,” I said.

  “Yo, you ain’t even checked on me. That hurt me. I’m doing good though. Me and this guy John from Camden are going to be promoting hot Tuesdays at this bar in Olde City.”

  “That’s nice. I’m so sorry.”

  “All is forgiven I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Your mom wouldn’t give up any info. Can I get a hug? I miss you, Janelle.” He extended his arms out to me.

  I gave him a quick hug.

  “That’s nice. Your body look
s all good and tight,” he said as he touched my waist.

  “Thanks.”

  “Damn, so who you living with down in Miami? What, you met somebody? Dude got to be major. The nigga must got paper. You quit your job and everything.”

  “How you know I quit?”

  “You ain’t come home since your trip. I told your ass you were a groupie.”

  “I’m not no damn groupie.”

  “Then I went to your job and that girl that worked there told me you don’t work there no more. So what the dude do?”

  “I’m not telling you.”

  “What, you got an NBA player?”

  “That’s not important.”

  “You at least got somebody that gets a little time, that don’t warm the bench?”

  “He is not in the NBA.”

  He started naming players in the NBA. I began laughing at him. He was so simple.

  “Sean, don’t worry about him, but he don’t play for the NBA.”

  “Oh, you got a big-ass NFL dude. Oh, okay. Well, how much money he make?”

  “Sean, you are so crazy.”

  “I ain’t mad at you. Miami is treating you right. I’m not mad at him either. Or them down there,” he said as he looked me over once more. “When you going home?”

  “Right now. Why, you feel like driving me to the airport?”

  “I’ll take you.”

  I got the rest of my things. I hugged my brothers and my mother and gave them some money. The moment I got in Sean’s car the phone rang.

  “Hello, baby,” I said as I answered my phone. It was Damon making sure I was on time for my flight. I turned to see Sean say to himself, “Baby,” and then laugh. “I’m on my way to the airport. I’ll call you when I get there.” When I hung up I looked at Sean and asked him what was so funny.

  “Nothing, just you haven’t been with him that long and you calling him baby. You never called me baby.”

  “Please. We said we were only friends, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s true. But you know I love you, Janelle,” he said as he looked in my eyes.

  “Sean, you don’t love me.”

  “I do love you. But I guess it doesn’t matter now.” he said as he looked away.

  That was the first time he told me he loved me. It was too little too late. I was on my way back to Damon.

  I was in the terminal waiting for them to call my flight when my phone rang. It was Damon again. The first thing that came out of his mouth was, “Who took you to the airport?”

  “My mom,” I uttered, trying to think on my feet.

  “I just spoke to your mom, Janelle. She called me to make sure I met you at the airport. She said that a friend from high school drove you. Are you lying to me, Janelle?”

  “Dame, I didn’t think you would understand.”

  “Damn, baby, you lying to me already. That is not good.”

  “Dame, it’s nothing. It’s not like that. He is just somebody I know from school, that’s all.” Shit, I said to myself. I was fucking up by lying to him.

  “You used to deal with him?” he asked.

  “No! He is just a friend.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Janelle. If we don’t have trust we ain’t got shit.”

  “I’m not lying, Dame.”

  “Okay. Well, I’ll meet you at the airport.” I should have told him the truth. Especially about stupid-ass Sean. Sean is a trip trying to tell me he loves me. I bet you do now. A man always got love for you when he sees somebody else loves you.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Tanya

  It was the end of the school year. Deja got a good report card and I had to pick up Davon’s. I went to his classroom. His teacher was a young black girl. She didn’t even seem old enough to be teaching. She looked like she kept herself up and was into the latest fashions. She said hello, then pulled out Davon’s report card. I glanced over at it and saw that he had straight Fs and Ds. There was a stamp on the bottom that said will repeat grade again. His teacher said that he wasn’t a bad kid. But he didn’t do his homework, projects, or study for tests. She said he was doing good in the beginning.

  “So he’s left back. There is nothing I can do?” I asked.

  “He can go to summer school.”

  “How do I sign him up?”

  The teacher, Ms. Davidson, went to her desk and handed me a form. She circled the dates and start time for me. Then she said, “Now, summer school is no longer free. It’s two hundred and fifty dollars per class. Davon needs at least three classes.”

  “Okay, that’s not a problem. Thank you,” I said.

  I went to walk out of her classroom when she said, “I don’t want to get in your business, but maybe you should talk to Davon’s father. He always talks about his father.”

  “His father is dead, Ms. Davidson.”

  “Really? I’m so sorry. Well, maybe that’s one of the problems. Davon’s friend Naim’s father comes and picks him up every day from school.”

  “Thanks again,” I said, as I walked out of the classroom. I walked home. Mom-Mom wasn’t home yet. I saw Davon outside playing touch football with his friends.

  “Davon, come into this house!” I yelled.

  At first he acted like he didn’t hear me and just kept playing. Then I screamed his name again. All his friends turned around and he started walking toward me.

  “Get your ass in this house, boy.” He came in the house smelling like a little puppy and with sweat stains everywhere. I pulled out his report card and showed it to him.

  “What is this, Davon? You’re going to summer school.”

  “No, I’m not going to summer school.”

  “Yes, you are, and I have to pay for it. ’Cause if you don’t go you will be in fourth grade again. You are on punishment.”

  “I didn’t do anything. I hate that lady.”

  “What lady,” I asked.

  “My teacher. She is stupid. Mom I told you she said if I don’t do my project I’m going to get left down.”

  “Go in the house. You want me to buy you a new bike and you getting left back? I don’t think so.”

  He ran past me and started crying.

  “Why is he crying?” My mom-mom said as she walked in the house.

  “Because he is on punishment.”

  “For what?”

  “Because he is getting left back.”

  “How are you going to get mad at him when you don’t even help him with his work? Davon, come out here.”

  “I said he was on punishment.”

  “Girl, please.” Davon walked past me and ran back and played with his friends.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Natalie

  I was picking Anthony up from his day care and the director came up to me and said, “How you doing today?”

  “I’m fine,” I said.

  I went into Anthony’s nursery and grabbed his bag and said good-bye to his teachers. I was halfway out the front door when the director approached me and gave me an envelope. I opened it and it was a bill for three hundred dollars. I gave the bill back to her and said, “My husband pays it.”

  “I know, I called him. He said you were paying for it,” she said.

  “Okay, um, can I write you a check?” I asked as I started fumbling in my pocketbook with Anthony on my hip.

  “No, we don’t accept checks. Just bring the money in tomorrow.”

  I thanked her and walked out to my car.

  I put Anthony in his car seat. I rolled his window halfway down and mine all the way down as it was a beautiful June day. It smelled and felt like summer had arrived. As soon as I fastened my seat belt, I dialed Anthony’s cell phone.

  Anthony didn’t pick up. He probably was looking at the caller ID and didn’t want to speak to me. I waited about five minutes, then called back by *67, blocking my number. He picked up.

  “Anthony!”

  “What, Natalie?”

  “I just picked Anthony up from the day care and the
y said you haven’t been paying.”

  “I’m not paying for him to go to day care while you are home doing nothing.”

  “I’m not home doing nothing. You know I work with my mom.”

  “You want him to go to day care, you pay for him.”

  “I’m trying to find a job, Anthony. How am I going to find a job if he is with me?”

  “I don’t know and I don’t care.” He then hung up the phone on me. I couldn’t believe Anthony was still so angry.

  I was getting more hyped by the second. I called him back.

  “Listen, Anthony, okay so you not going to pay for his day care, right? Can you at least give me some money?”

  “For what?”

  “So I can get him diapers, milk, and baby food.”

  “I’ll pick some up and I’ll drop them off later. I’m not putting any money in your hands.” He hung up on me again.

  I took Anthony Jr. to the park and tried to forget about Anthony. I called Janelle to see what she was up to.

  “So how’s everything going?”

  “Girl, I love it here. Damon is the best. I’m so glad I moved here. What’s the latest with Anthony?”

  “Same thing, he still mad.”

  “Damn, he really mad. Nat, it’s been a minute now.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know, he stopped paying for Anthony’s day care. I got four hundred dollars in the bank. Either I take three hundred and pay his day care and only have one hundred dollars to my name, or I don’t send him to day care anymore.”

  “I owe you a hundred. I can send it today.”

  “I forgot about that money. Send it when you get a chance.”

  “I’ll Western Union it to you.”

  “No, just put a check or a money order in the mail.”

  “Okay, kiss the baby for me. Bye.”

  “See you.”

  “Natalie, don’t forget you got everything going for yourself. I don’t even know why you bother with him. You know his ass was crazy when you married him. His mother is a nut too.”