What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  “Damon,” I said.

  “Huh, yes, what’s up?” he said as he dropped the mirror and everything fell on the floor.

  “What are you doing, putting that shit up your nose!” I screamed.

  “Nothing, I’m tired. Watch out,” he said and jumped up like nothing was wrong. He wiped the fog off the mirror and the powder off his nose. “I’m cool, hey, baby girl,” he said as he tried to hug me.

  I didn’t want to be his baby girl right now. I was so upset. Cocaine and Damon, it didn’t make any sense. He was respectful and mannerly, neat and clean. He was an athlete and he was messing up his body. I didn’t know what to think. He told me he didn’t do drugs because his uncle died from an overdose. Cocaine, that’s why he always is changing his mind, being nice, then ice-cold.

  “You got to go to counseling,” I said.

  “I can’t. People know who I am.”

  “There are confidential places where nobody would know you.”

  “I can’t go. I tried to go before. It wasn’t for me. The people in the class were homeless and drugs addicts that had lost everything. They had real addicts in that class. I wasn’t on crack or heroin. I’m a casual user.”

  “Well, you got to do something. Damon, don’t they test?”

  “No, not all the time, not for street drugs. Since I have been in the NFL, I only got tested once and they give you like two months’ notice. They test more for steroids. I have to go. I got a game. I have to make the plane.”

  “This is serious, Damon,” I said.

  “I don’t have time right now, Janelle. Help me get ready and we can talk about this when I get back.”

  I packed his clothes and drove him to the airport. Damon was acting like nothing happened, like it was cool and normal. At the moment something was telling me to leave. I knew it was about to get worse. I told myself, Janelle, it’s only been a few months. Get out now while you can.

  After I dropped Damon off at the airport I couldn’t get the image of what I saw earlier out of my head. I needed to talk to somebody. I didn’t feel comfortable calling Kelly. I felt lonely. I even thought about going home. He won’t even miss me if he is always on the road. Damon needs help and I don’t think I’m the person to help him. The real season is about to begin and if he is not in practice, he’ll be on the road. He doesn’t need me. Maybe he needs his space. I could just meet him in the city he is in, but that won’t work because I wouldn’t be able to stay in his room. I would have to stay on another floor and we won’t have a chance to be together.

  I continued to drive around, then decided to stop and pick a few things up from the market. I just wanted to get into a hot bath and relax. I needed to make sense of everything that was going on. I pulled up to the driveway at home and got out of the car. A figure came from the side of the car and I screamed. Kelly grabbed me and said, “It’s me.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “I needed to talk to you.”

  “Where is your car? How did you get here?” I asked as I looked around.

  “He took it.”

  “Y’all got in a fight? You can stay here if you need to,” I said as I grabbed my bags out of the car.

  “No, I’m going home.”

  “What! Why are you going home?” I asked while I opened the house door.

  “He found somebody else. That’s how it goes down.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Carl has found a replacement for me. I need a ride to the airport and I don’t need everybody in my business,” Kelly cried.

  “I wouldn’t tell anyone. Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Let me take a shower. Please, don’t tell anyone. Okay?”

  “Never. You got my word on that.”

  “Janelle, you’re the only person I could trust,” she said as she sat down and began telling me what happened. Then she stood up and started to pace.

  “I was at the gym, you know, doing my Pilates class. I was tired, sweating, and ready just to take a shower. I come into the house and Carl had another woman in there. I’m looking at him like, are you crazy? He acted like he didn’t do anything wrong! He acted like he didn’t know me. He wouldn’t even let me get my stuff. The girl was in the other room sipping wine in my glasses, while me and him were arguing. I had to catch a cab here. I know he put the word out to everybody not to talk to me because Amber didn’t answer her phone and Stephen said Lisa wasn’t home.”

  “He would do that! Why didn’t you just call my cell? I would have come and got you.”

  “I don’t know. I just need to take a shower. I have to call my dad. Carl took my phone, everything. My mother is going to wire me money when she gets off work.”

  “You look like shit too! What’s going on with you?” Kelly asked.

  I didn’t know if I should tell her what I saw. I had to confide in someone. “Damon is snorting coke.”

  “That’s it? Girl, they all having something wrong with them. Nothing is how it appears. You had better be glad that’s all that is wrong with him. Damon is a good guy. All these other guys think women are disposable.”

  “I don’t think they all think like that,” I said.

  “Don’t you get it? It’s about them. Let your ass spread a little, your boobs sag, and it’s all over.”

  “Kelly, I can buy your ticket home.”

  “Would you please? Janelle, I will send you the money as soon as I get home and get everything situated,” she said as she placed her hands together.

  “Girl, please, whenever you get it.”

  Kelly called Delta Airlines and she was lucky, the next flight was in two hours.

  After I dropped Kelly off, I came home and I watched the game at home by myself. It was going okay until I saw Damon didn’t get up from the pileup. I was scared and then I saw him limp off the field. I hoped he wasn’t hurt. That was the last thing he needed, to be hurt. My mother called me. They were watching the game too! She asked me if he was okay. I told her I didn’t know and I would call her back when I knew something. I tried calling Lisa, but she wasn’t home. Amber wasn’t home either. I found Dana’s number. She called me back and said that Damon was fine. He called me as soon as the game was over. I could hear all the others guys in the locker room.

  “Baby, are you okay? I saw you limping.”

  “I’m fine. I pulled a muscle. Let me shower and get dressed and I’ll call you back.” He sounded like he was upset.

  I waited by the phone for him to call me back. I waited half an hour and called him back again.

  “Are you on your way home?” I asked him.

  “Yeah, I’ll get there in a few hours. We are about to get on the plane.”

  I shouldn’t have said it and it may have come out the wrong way, but I was mad and Damon needed to hear it. “Damon, maybe you were off because of what happened.”

  “What, Janelle? I don’t need this right now. Do you play?”

  “No.”

  “Well, don’t tell me why my game was off. I’ll call you back.”

  As soon as I put the phone on the hook I began crying. Damon was being so mean. I didn’t need this. He could be with somebody else and cheating like Carl, I don’t know. He’s not going to play me and end it first. I am going to end it while I’m up. While everything is working for me. He was in a different city and he was mad at me. I didn’t do anything to him. He is the one that has been keeping a secret. For the first time in four months, I wanted to go home.

  I started packing all my clothes. I had to get out of here before he got home. I didn’t want to see Damon. I called the airport and reserved my flight. I could just sit in the airport. I didn’t want to be here when Damon got here. I left Damon a Dear John letter. I told him in the letter that I loved him but he needed help and I wanted him to get himself together and he didn’t need me distracting him.

  The cab pulled up. I was dragging my luggage out the door. I left a lot of my clothes and shoes behind. I didn’t have enough room
for everything. Just as I sat in the cab, I saw headlights coming toward me. Damon jumped out of the car. I went to shut my door, but Damon pulled it back open. I asked the driver to hold up for one minute. He said that the meter was going to be running. I got out of the cab. Damon was standing with his face buried in his hands.

  He looked over at me and said, “So that’s how it’s going to go, Janelle? Fine. I’m used to people walking out on me when things get hard. Bye, see you. I got you. It was fun while it lasted, huh?”

  “Damon, it’s not like that. I love you, but I can’t take you and the drugs. It’s too much.”

  “Go ahead, Janelle. I know you heard. Somebody called and told you. You think I’m down and out.”

  “I know you’re not down and out. You pulled a muscle. Big deal, that’s not anything.”

  “I’m not talking about pulling my muscle. I got cut today too! C-U-T. I’m not in the NFL anymore. So go ahead and walk out on me. It wouldn’t surprise me.”

  “What are you talking about, Damon? You can’t get cut, the season has already begun.”

  “I’m a free agent. They can cut me and they did, Janelle.”

  “I love you, Damon. I’m not leaving because you got cut. I’m leaving because I’m just, I’m not prepared for this. This meaning drugs. I didn’t know you got cut today,” I said as I walked closer to him. I turned around and went to get back in my cab. The fare was running. I tried shutting the door again.

  Damon opened the car door and was on his knees crying. He said, “Janelle, please don’t leave. I need you. I’m not into that. That bitch Alicia started me on this shit. When she left I used it more. I’m an athlete. I take care of my body. I’m not touching that stuff. I can do it. I will stop, I promise.”

  “Damon, I can’t. I don’t know how.”

  “You love me, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Damon, I love you.”

  “Then stay in my corner. Just stay in my corner. I need you in my corner. Help me, Janelle, don’t leave me,” Damon begged me, still on his knees. “Pray with me, Janelle, please.”

  I stepped out of the cab. He grabbed my hand and I stood as he kneeled. We closed our eyes and prayed for him to get over his addiction. For things in his life to get better. After we prayed I paid the driver and Damon took my luggage out of the cab and into the house.

  The next day Damon went to go return his equipment and clean out his locker. For the first time I saw Damon’s bank account statement. He had left it on the kitchen counter. By his standards he was broke and now unemployed. He only had seventeen thousand dollars in it. The house was at least four thousand a month. Damon had made $325,000 a year for the last three years. The only thing he had to show for his money was his house in Orlando and his two cars. I felt bad for him. Were the drugs to blame? His old chick? Was I to blame? I had spent thousands of dollars on clothes, shoes, and everything in between. My spending habits had gotten out of control fucking around with Kelly, and now look where she is. I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. I had lived rent-free for months and shopped every time I got a chance.

  The next day I searched in my closet and saw I had shoes that I hadn’t even worn yet. Then I saw another pair and another. All ranged from three hundred dollars to nine hundred. I put them in a box and placed them in the bag to take them back. I found three shirts and two pairs of pants I didn’t even like. I put it all in a bag and took it back to each store I’d bought it from. There were bags, belts, things I bought just because I could.

  I looked in the dresser drawers and found receipts then I drove to the mall. I had three bags from different department stores. The first store I went into the salesgirls looked at me like I was trash for returning something for cash. I didn’t care. We needed money. Times were about to get hard. Tomorrow I will look for a job.

  A few days had passed. I wasn’t sure what to expect so I was going to ask him what was going to be next. Were we moving, staying here or what. He was sitting on the sofa eating a bowl of Honey Combs cereal and watching television. I took a seat next to him, and said, “So, what’s next?”

  “We wait. My agent is going to make some calls for me. He said he can get me some tryouts with a couple of teams. Somebody will pick me up, I’m not worried. We’ll be okay. Don’t worry,” he said.

  Chapter Fifty-one

  Natalie

  I haven’t talked to Anthony since I signed the divorced papers. He still been paying for the baby’s day care and leaving diapers and milk there. I’m now down twenty-one pounds. I weigh 159 pounds. I have nothing to do but lose weight, eat right, and exercise.

  I didn’t make it to the aerobics class to work out as much. I have been keeping the weight off by using my old Tae Bo tapes. My mother called me as soon as I started exercising. I said, “Hello” and was gasping for air.

  “Why are you out of breath?” my mother asked.

  “I was doing Tae Bo.”

  “Natalie, don’t you know you’re never, ever going to be skinny? Your dad’s side is big. My side got big thighs and hips. When you have a daughter, she’s going to inherit it too.”

  “Mom, what’s up? I’m working out.”

  “My client Jerri. You remember her, you washed her hair a couple of times.”

  “I don’t remember?”

  “Well, anyway, she needs someone to help her at her catering company. I told her you used to do catering work before you had the baby.”

  “How soon?”

  “Immediately. I gave her your number. She is about to call you.”

  “All right.”

  Ms. Jerri called me and asked if I could work Friday the third. I said yes. She said she had a uniform my size and just meet her at her business. She gave me the address. I hung up and finished working out.

  Friday I helped her cater a retirement party. I walked in and everything was chaotic. I did remember the lady Ms. Jerri. She said hi and gave me my uniform. I went and changed into it. She introduced me to two girls, Nadine and Ketora, her nieces. They were younger than me, like nineteen or twenty. Ketora was petite with a short flipped haircut. The other, Nadine, was the real silly one, she still had braces on and was real tall with a shoulder-length wrap.

  Ms. Jerri told me to start setting the tables with them and assist them if they needed help. We had to place the silverware, napkins, plates, salt and pepper shakers, and flower centerpieces on each table. Then we had to make sure the Sweet and Low and sugar containers were filled. After that I had to bring out water glasses and fill them up. The guests started arriving and I served on the buffet line. After they ate and began dancing, I started clearing the tables and serving coffee. I then cleaned the tables and started to break them down. Ms. Jerri gave me a hundred dollars for the night.

  The last couple of times I weighed myself I noticed my weight had stabilized. I hadn’t lost any weight and I had been working out like crazy. I went online to look for some low-carb recipes and diet tips. As soon as I found a low-carb-recipe Web site, a pop-up menu came onto my screen. It kept flashing. I hit the X on the screen and it took me to findloverightnow.com. It was a dating Web site. I kept trying to push X, but all these screens kept popping up. There were testimonials about the site and it had a 90 percent success rate. There was a free compatibility test. I answered the questionnaire just for fun. It asked me questions about my personality, goals, and what I was looking for in a partner. I filled out the entire fifty questions. The site prompted me to post a message about myself. I typed in divorced twenty-something woman seeking friendship from professional male 25–33 for friendship. After I completed the questionnaire, another link appeared and said that I had five perfect matches. I read the matches to my profile. It was funny, I wasn’t even thinking about meeting a man. I looked at the profiles and pictures. One guy’s picture was ugly. Another guy was forty-seven with glasses that made his eyes look big. One didn’t have a picture. The fourth was a fat white guy and the fifth was a man that looked a little too feminine for my taste. So muc
h for my perfect match. I logged off.

  The next event I did with Ms. Jerri was a big city council luncheon. My coworkers, Nadine and Ketora, had me set up the tables by myself. I had forgotten what order the knife, spoon, fork, and soupspoon went in. I poured water in every glass and ran around folding napkins and placing plates on the table. Just as the guests began to arrive I finished.

  Now I had to go and get the hors d’oeuvres out of the oven and start serving them. I saw that Nadine and Ketora were in the back having a smoke break. I mean, a fucking smoke break? That pissed me off. I don’t know why people that smoke cigarettes think they can have more breaks than people that don’t. “Ladies, the guests are arriving,” I said. They put out their cigarettes and came in and served the food.

  Ms. Jerri called me on a regular basis. I was happy to be working steadily. Most of the events were luncheons, and for the ones that weren’t, my mom or dad watched baby Anthony for me. I liked working for Ms. Jerri, but Ketora and Nadine were another story.

  But I had something for them. The next event we did was a white couple’s wedding. They seemed so in love, just like me and Anthony were. We had had a big wedding, sort of. But now all that had been for nothing. Since it was over, if I had to do it all over again, I would have taken that money and put it in the bank. Me and this older woman, Sue, were busy setting up everything by ourselves. Ketora and Nadine went on another convenient smoke break. So I made sure I didn’t get stuck at the end of the night cleaning. When they started cleaning, I took a smoke break. I didn’t even light the cigarette. I just stood there with it in my mouth. Ketora walked out in the front of the catering hall and was about to light up until she saw me and asked, “Since when did you start smoking?”

  “Since I see you can get more breaks if you smoke.”