What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  She frowned, put her cigarette in her bag, and went back into the building.

  Chapter Fifty-two

  Janelle

  I wanted Damon to go to rehab, but he said he could do it on his own. He didn’t want anyone else involved. He said if the news got to any teams, nobody would pick him up. I didn’t tell him I had told Kelly, even though she already knew. Damon was going through withdrawal. He was so irritable and his muscles were hurting him. He was doing a lot of whining. I went on the Internet to learn his withdrawal symptoms. The site I went to said that Damon might shake or spit up and be restless. It also said his muscles could be in pain.

  I was getting tired of Damon and wanted to go home, but I didn’t want to turn my back on him. He was waiting for me to do that. I couldn’t prove him right. I can hear him now. “I’m not in the NFL, so you don’t want me no more.” If I left now he would think I was just with him for the money. The money was nice, but I really loved Damon, or did I? I just wasn’t ready for this. This is too much even for me. I don’t know how much more I can put up with.

  “Damon, get out of the bed and take a shower.”

  “I don’t feel like it, Janelle. Leave me alone.”

  I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room and watched television. I hadn’t watched the soaps in a while. Damon had the air blasting. I got a blanket out of the closet and watched The Young and the Restless. I called Natalie. I couldn’t call my mother. Then I decided against telling anyone else Damon’s business. I needed to talk to someone. I heard the phone ring and ring. I didn’t bother answering it. I knew it wasn’t for me. The phone stopped ringing. Damon must have answered it. I heard him talking. Then he ran into the living room and yelled, “My agent called, babe. He got me a tryout with Green Bay and the Giants!”

  “Baby, that is so great!”

  “My prayers were answered.”

  “Where is Green Bay?”

  “Wisconsin. I leave tomorrow. I just called my travel agent.” Damon began to pack his bag. I thought about how it might be to live in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I don’t know if I would be able to do it. It was cold there and snowed. There was no way I was moving my black ass to Wisconsin. I hate the cold. I love the heat. Living in Florida was a no-brainer. Wisconsin? I don’t think so.

  Damon had left this morning for the tryout. He called while I was in the shower and left a message to call him. He didn’t sound too good.

  I called him right back and he picked up on the first ring and said, “Baby, they didn’t pick me. I’m not coming home. I’m going to head straight to New York and see how that works out.” Damon was trying not to cry, but I could hear him.

  “Baby, it’s okay. Do you want me to meet you?” I asked, trying to comfort him.

  “You don’t have to. I’ll call you when I get to New York.”

  “What time do you get in?”

  “Around eleven.”

  “Call and reserve my ticket. I’ll pack now.”

  I met him in New York and we stayed for a couple of days waiting to hear if he had made the team. We went to see the Broadway play Rent. I wanted to try something different. I had never been to a Broadway play and neither had Damon. In the middle of the performance Damon’s phone started to ring. He said that it was his agent, John, and he had to answer it. I kept watching the play. I waited for him to come back to his seat. When he hadn’t come back in fifteen minutes, I figured it was bad news. I walked into the lobby.

  “What did he say?”

  “I’m going to start off as a third string and have a one-year contract. It’s less money than what we anticipated, but they’re willing to work with me.”

  I hugged Damon. I was so happy for him. “Baby, it doesn’t matter. You are still in the NFL. I can get a job, you know? I used to manage a store. There’s plenty of retail jobs in New York.”

  He grabbed me, hugged me again, and said, “That’s why I love you.”

  “You love me?” I asked.

  “Yes, I love you,” he said.

  “I love you too!”

  He grabbed me with his big arms and said, “There is one problem. I need you to go pack everything up for me. I only have a couple days to get out here before the season starts. They have an apartment for some of the newer players in Montclair, New Jersey. They set me aside one.”

  Chapter Fifty-three

  Tanya

  I didn’t feel like hearing Natalie’s mouth. She was a pain in the ass. Always talking about going to jail. She is so scary it is ridiculous. I had her take me to buy some weed. I was going down to Monica’s house. We were about to go out to this bar and have some fun. I had done my motherly duty for the day and taken the kids out. It was time for me to have some fun now. I might go out again with the dude Buc. We have been keeping in touch, going out to get drinks and stuff.

  I went to the Chinese store around the corner from Monica’s house to buy a blunt. The small Chinese store menu was hanging on the wall. There were kids everywhere and these women were arguing over a loose cigarette. Young guys were outside gambling and a grown man was drinking a kids’ red hug juice. I ordered three chicken wings and fried rice. I called Monica on my cell to see if she wanted anything. She told me to get her a beef and broccoli. It was hot inside the store, so I went outside and started splitting the blunt in half.

  I walked to Monica’s house, passing by girls on the step braiding hair and little girls jumping rope. Monica was in the window. I walked in her apartment, set the food down and pulled our food out of the plastic bag. I took a spoonful of my fried rice and pulled out the blunt. We smoked a little, then ate our food. Monica’s daughters were gone and we had the house all to ourselves. I took a nap; the food had tired me out. We were rested and ready to walk around the corner when my cell phone rang. I looked at it. It was my grandmother’s number, so I didn’t answer. It was probably Deja or Davon wanting to know where I was. I turned my ringer off. Then I saw the light flashing again that I had a call. I answered.

  “Come home, Tanya,” Mom-Mom said.

  “Why? What’s wrong, Mom-Mom?”

  “Just come home.” My grandmother sounded like she was worried and had been crying. What was wrong? What was going on? I asked.

  “Tanya, just come home now.”

  “Why, Mom-Mom, what’s wrong? Please tell me,” I said as I began to cry. “Take me home. I got to go home, Monica,” I said.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know, my grandmother said for me to just come home.”

  We got in Monica’s car and my mind began to race from bad to worse. What was so bad that my grandmother couldn’t tell me over the telephone? Did something happen to Deja or Davon? Were the cops at my house? They could have found out about me stealing that credit card. Was something wrong with my grandmother? She was always so strong. Why was she crying?

  I got home in less than ten minutes. My heart was racing. I didn’t see any detective or cop cars. No cars were parked on the block with city or state government license plates. We still parked at the corner.

  “Everything is okay,” Monica tried to assure me before I went into the house. I ran in and I saw my grandmother. She was still crying.

  “Mom-Mom, what’s wrong?”

  She turned to me and said, “Your mother is back.”

  I looked over at the sofa and saw Saundra Lewis, my mother. I never knew what death looked like until I looked into my mother’s face. She weighed about a hundred pounds at the maximum. She looked old and worn out. Drugs had fucked her up bad. She looked so sick. But I didn’t have shit to say to her. She was laughing and talking with my kids.

  “Mom-Mom, I know you didn’t call me home to see her. I thought something was wrong with you or the kids.”

  Saundra tried to come up to me and hug me. I didn’t want to hug her.

  “We need to talk,” she said.

  “Saundra, we don’t have anything to talk about,” I said. I ordered Deja and Davon upstairs.

&n
bsp; “Why, Mom?” Davon cried.

  “Because I said so. Go to bed.”

  The kids pouted and went upstairs. My grandmother was still in her seat. Monica had walked outside and Saundra was still in my face saying she was sorry.

  “I’m sorry, Tanya. I’m sorry for leaving. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “You’re sorry. I can’t forgive you. I can’t forgive somebody who left me for more than half of my life.”

  Saundra approached me and tried to put her hand on my shoulder. “I know what I did was wrong. I’m sorry, I’ve lived with it every day of my life.”

  I wasn’t feeling Saundra. I snatched away and said, “Look, you can’t just show up and say sorry after all these years.” She is just going to show up after all these years? No way! Was I supposed to be happy and welcome her with open arms?

  “I have nothing to say to that woman, Mom-Mom,” I said as I turned to my grandmother. I walked out of the room like Saundra wasn’t even there. I went upstairs to make sure the kids were okay.

  “Mom, who is that lady?” Deja asked.

  “Your grandmother. Your stank, crackhead-ass grandmother.”

  “That’s your mom? The lady from the pictures?” Davon asked.

  “Yes, that’s her. I want y’all to be good and go to bed, and tomorrow I might take y’all to the toy store.”

  I went downstairs and walked right past Saundra. “Mom-Mom, if you need me I’ll be over at Monica’s house. I made the kids go to bed.”

  Saundra attempted to say something to me again. I turned around to her and said, “What do you possibly have to say to me? Whatever it is, I don’t care.”

  “Tanya, these are my last days.”

  “And save your story for somebody that cares—I don’t give a fuck,” I said.

  My grandmother interrupted me and said, “Don’t talk to your mother like that. She is your mother. And she is sick. She has AIDS. She is dying, Tanya.”

  “She should have died. I hope she dies now. I don’t care what happens to Saundra right now.”

  “Tanya, you don’t mean that! Don’t say that, Tanya!” my grandmother cried.

  “I do mean it.”

  “Child, stop being so mean.”

  “I do mean it. And, Mom-Mom, if you ever left me like she did for years at a time, I wouldn’t care what happened to you either. She left me. I was the child she left on you, remember?” I said as I broke down and tears began running down my face.

  “Remember when she stole your jewelry and the watch Pop-Pop bought you for your birthday? She stole your television and used to steal your mortgage money from under your mattress. If you don’t remember, I do.”

  My grandmother was crying too! She said, “Tanya, I remember, but that was in the past.”

  I couldn’t take everything that was going on. I headed for the door. Deja ran down the steps crying. “Mommy, please don’t leave! I want you to stay here with me.”

  “Go to bed, Deja.”

  “Mommy! Don’t leave, Mommy! Please don’t leave.”

  “I’ll be back,” I said as I wiped away my tears. Deja held on to my leg and sobbed. I grabbed her and told her to go to her room.

  “Tanya, just go with your mean ass. I’m tired of you upsetting these kids.”

  I bolted out of the door. My grandmother held Deja back. I walked to the corner and opened the car door. Monica was smoking a cigarette, listening to music in the car.

  “You all right?” she asked as I got in the car.

  “Yeah. Fuck that bitch. That bitch left! She fucking left me,” I said as I began crying uncontrollably. Monica started the car and began patting my back.

  “She said she has AIDS and these are her last days. I don’t give a fuck! What about me, bitch? What about how you left me!” I screamed.

  “I don’t care what she did. That is your mother. She is still living and you need to spend her last days with her. She is already paying for leaving you. Look at her life. My mother is gone, you know I don’t give a fuck about anything. Not a nigga, only God, my kids, and money. But I wish my mother was here.”

  She stopped and then started crying with me and said, “I wish I had somebody to watch my kids or take to dinner on Mother’s Day. You got your grandmother. I don’t have anybody. Me and Derrick were in and out of homes our whole life. Your mom is sick. God brought her back to you for a reason. You need to help her.”

  We got to Monica’s house and she was still talking to me about my mom. I was sitting on the sofa telling her everything Saundra did to me when I was growing up. Monica went to get me a tissue and Lil’ Ron ran into the house and shouted, “Monica, the cops are chasing me. Get rid of everything.”

  I heard sirens in the distance. They were getting louder by the second. I jumped off the sofa. For a moment I didn’t know what to do or which way to run. Should I hide under the bed or in the closet? I looked out the window to see if the cops were on the block. They were coming down the street. I could see the red and blue flashing and hear the sirens.

  “What do you want me to do?” Monica asked.

  “Help me get rid of this shit. If you don’t, then I’m going down. Take the car and take everything to my mom’s house.”

  Me and Monica ran out of the back of the building. I was not staying in the apartment with Lil’ Ron. I was out too. I saw a cop and I was about to panic. Monica was cool. The cop looked at us and he got on his radio and said something. I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. We walked down to the next landing. And another cop ran past us and up the steps. They didn’t know what apartment we were coming from, so they didn’t stop us. I was so nervous. Monica got in the car.

  I started walking away from the building.

  “Get in the car, Tanya. If you walk away from me, we are going to look suspicious.”

  “I’m not going to jail for a nigga I don’t even fuck with. I’m not getting in your car.” I kept walking. Monica got mad, but fuck that shit. I was almost off Monica’s block and she was halfway down the street when a police car flew past me, going the wrong way up the block. That police car blocked Monica in. She backed up and another car came from behind her. Another unmarked came from the side. Monica tried to run out of the car, but the cops grabbed her as soon as she got out. I wanted to turn around and help her, but I couldn’t. I had to get away. I saw a bus coming and I was about to jump on it. Another police car came and jumped the pavement in front of me. The cops told me to put my hands up above my head and get against the wall.

  “What did I do?” I yelled.

  They patted me and handcuffed me and put me in the wagon. The cop I saw from the stairway radioed in, “We have the other one.”

  They put me in the car. They had Lil’ Ron coming out of the building and put him in a separate car. I didn’t have any drugs on me and I was not in the car with Monica. What were they trying to charge me with?

  They took us down to the police station. I was scared as hell. I didn’t know what to think. The uniform cops took me into a dimly lit room. There was a green table and steel chair in it. The cops took the handcuffs off me and ordered me to sit down. An old white detective with stained cigarette teeth and grayish brown thin hair entered the room.

  “Whose bag is it?” the detective asked me in the interrogation room.

  “What bag?” I asked.

  “The bag your girlfriend was carrying.”

  “I don’t know about any bag,” I said as I stared at the wall.

  “Listen, if you don’t tell me about Lil’ Ron and the gun and the coke she had you are going to jail for attempting to distribute an illegal substance and a gun charge.”

  “I don’t know what you are talking about,” I said again.

  “There are a lot of girls up at Muncy Prison that are going to love you.”

  “I don’t know anything,” I repeated.

  “It’s like this, you and your girlfriend tried to hide drugs for her boyfriend. She put you in danger and she won’t tell on hi
m. And you won’t tell on her. Both of you can just split the jail time. Sit here and think about it.”

  They kept me and Monica separated. I tried to rest in the cell, but I couldn’t. It was hot and the bed was a hard metal. I closed my eyes and then I would look at my watch and only fifteen minutes had gone past. I didn’t know what to do. I needed a lawyer. I couldn’t call my grandmother. Not after what I just did. She would pass out. I didn’t belong in jail. I wasn’t a ride-or-die chick. I needed my kids. I needed to be home with them, not here. I shouldn’t have left Deja when she was crying for me.

  Chapter Fifty-four

  Natalie

  When I woke up this morning, there was a message from Ms. Jerri on my machine saying something about “effective today, there are no more smoking breaks.” She wanted to let me know. I didn’t like her message. She didn’t say anything to her little nieces. So I said fuck it and kindly called her and said I wasn’t going to be able to work today because the baby was sick. I hope she doesn’t get mad and tell my mom I called out on her.

  I continued to listen to my messages. There was a message from Tanya. She wanted me to drop her and the kids off at the movies. I dialed her number and she picked up on the first ring.

  “You’re lucky I’m home. I didn’t go to work today. I can drop you off. I have to go to Wal-Mart anyway,” I said.

  “Okay, the movie starts at two.”

  “I’ll be there by one-thirty.” I hung up the phone, dressed Anthony, and then myself. I threw on a pair of sweats. That was the only thing that fit since losing all of my weight.

  I picked Tanya up. She and the kids got in. Deja was happy to see the baby.

  “Hi, Anthony,” Deja sang. Davon was so handsome, he got in like a little man and said, “What’s up?” as he got into the backseat.

  “Where’s your mother?” I asked.

  “She said she will be right out.”

  Tanya came out to the car fifteen minutes later.