What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

I dropped Tanya and the kids off at the movies, and then I went to the Wal-Mart. I needed to buy the baby undershirts, sleepers, and diapers. I grabbed a cart and was headed inside when I heard someone say, “Hey, sexy.” I turned around to see that an attractive man was talking to me.

  “Yo, Ma. What, you don’t know you sexy?”

  “Thank you,” I said, surprised. My working out was finally paying off. Someone had called me sexy. Nobody had really tried to talk to me since I was in Miami, and before that I can’t remember.

  “Can I have your number?” the guy asked.

  I looked him over. He looked too gangsta for me. I said, “No, I’m married.”

  He said, “No, you’re not” and started walking in the other direction.

  After I did my light shopping, I felt like being nice, so I waited for Tanya and the kids to come out of the movies. I didn’t want her to have to catch the bus. I waited outside in the car. When I saw them I beeped my horn. They all got in and smelled like popcorn and hot dogs.

  “Did y’all have a good time?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Deja said.

  “No. It was corny. I knew what was going to happen,” Davon said.

  “Thanks for waiting for us, Nat. I’m going to go out Southwest with you, all right? You’re going home, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m just going to drop them off. That’s cool.”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  We dropped the kids off and Tanya was quiet the whole ride. Then out of nowhere she said, “Hold up. Take me to Sixtieth Street. I got to meet up with somebody.”

  “Who? Girl, I’m tired. I want to go home.”

  “Nat, it will be real quick. It’s important.”

  Reluctantly, I changed my direction and headed toward Sixtieth Street. As soon as I pulled over, I saw this guy with a scruffy beard and bad skin. Tanya got out and started talking to him. I locked the car doors. The guy Tanya was talking to looked dirty and the block looked suspect. I kept glancing through my rearview mirror to make sure nobody walked up on me. I saw Tanya laugh with the guy, then give him some money.

  She got back in the car and said, “I need you to take me around the corner.” The guy Tanya was talking to hopped in my backseat next to Anthony. Tanya said, “That’s Mal. He’s cool.”

  He said, “What’s up?” by nodding his head. He closed the door and I drove him around the block. I glanced at him through the rearview mirror. He ran out of the car into a house and then came back over to the car. Tanya rolled down her window and he put something in her hand. He said, “Holla,” and she said, “I’ll probably see you later on tonight.”

  I don’t claim to be the toughest, downest girl from around the way, but I know Tanya did not just have me take her drug man to his drug house, to go pick up her drugs.

  “Bitch, I know you didn’t have me go and take you to buy some drugs with my baby in the car.”

  “Calm down. It’s only weed,” Tanya said nonchalantly.

  “It’s only weed? How about if we got caught in a drug sting or something?”

  “That would not have happened. I know him. He only sells to people he knows.”

  “Then you let that nigga in my car! I don’t know him!”

  “I told you I know him. He is cool.”

  “Whatever, that’s not cool. I can’t afford to get locked up and have my son taken from me, or have my car taken, because you want to buy some drugs!”

  “You tripping, girl. I’m getting out at the next corner,” she said like she didn’t care.

  I was so furious. I wanted Tanya to get her life together so bad. I’m tired of trying to talk to her. I can’t help her if she won’t help herself. She knows what she’s doing.

  When I came into the house I got on the computer. I hadn’t check my e-mail for a long time, so I opened it and saw that I had two messages. Before I got a chance to read my messages, someone instant-messaged me and said Hi.

  I instant-messaged the guy back. At first he seemed very nice. He said What’s up?

  Nothing, I typed back.

  So what are you wearing? he asked.

  None of your business, I typed in italics. Then he instant-messaged me back. You bitch.

  I immediately logged off the instant message with him and blocked his name.

  I read my second message. It was a guy named Troy from the Philly area. He liked children and was thirty-two. I saw his picture, it was nice. His message was simple and plain. He said I liked your introduction. Maybe we can chat or e-mail, Troy Sloan.

  I e-mailed him and said maybe we can chat sometime.

  The first e-mail he typed was How are you? What are you doing? I told him right away I had a son and was recently divorced. He said he had a daughter that was seven and he had divorced two years ago. We instant-messaged back and forth for about an hour. It was time for me to log off. Anthony started whining and his skin was hot. I told Troy I would talk to him later because my son was sick.

  I gave Anthony Tylenol. That wasn’t reducing his fever, so I called my pediatrician, Dr. Mosely. He said that he would call in a prescription for Children’s Motrin for me. I went to the pharmacy to go pick it up. I usually have to sign and that is all, but after I signed my name, the pharmacist said, “That will be seven ninety-eight.”

  “I didn’t know I had a co-pay,” I said.

  “That’s not the co-pay. That is the full price. Your insurance expired at the end of the month.”

  Immediately I called Anthony. “Anthony, why in the hell would you take your son off your insurance?”

  “Natalie, the only way I can get over you is not to have any communication at all with him or you.”

  “What? That is the dumbest thing I ever heard. We are divorced so you’re going to divorce your son too and not provide him with medical insurance?”

  “Yup, I’m tired of being the nice guy.”

  “The nice guy, please,” I said.

  “And this week was the last time I’m paying day care. My mom said I give you too much by letting you stay in the house for free,” he said.

  “What? Fuck your mom and what she say!” I shouted.

  “Don’t talk about my mom, Natalie!” he screamed.

  “I’ll talk about that stupid bitch all I want, and fuck you too, Anthony! I’ll take your ass to court and you’ll have to pay me a hundred dollars a week. Keep playing with me.”

  “No, I won’t. Take me to court, I don’t care. I’ll make you move out of my house.”

  “We’ll see about that!” I said as I disconnected the call. I tried to call him back, but Ms. Renee kept picking up the phone. I decided to go over to their house.

  I pushed the bell and Ms. Crazy Renee came to the door and asked me why I was in front of her house.

  “I need to see Anthony,” I said, ignoring her last comment.

  “Anthony doesn’t want to talk to you.”

  “Ms. Renee, this is your grandchild. He is sick. He needs insurance. He also needs a father.”

  “What do you want me to do? I can’t make him take care of your child. I know one thing, he’s not giving you any money so you can go and spend it on yourself!” she said as she closed the door.

  I rang the bell again and demanded for Anthony to come to the door. I banged some more and some more.

  “Anthony, get your ass out here! Come to the door. I’m not going to take care of baby Anthony by myself. You’re going to help me.” I kept banging on the door. I knew eventually he would have to get tired of the noise. Ms. Renee peeked out the window and the next thing I knew I saw red and blue flashing lights. I turned around to see a patrol car and a white light shining up on me. I tried to shield the bright light from me and baby Anthony’s face.

  Ms. Renee opened the door and said, “Officers, she will not leave. I asked her nicely. She is my son’s baby’s mom. He doesn’t want her anymore and she is upset.”

  I had had enough! I blurted out right in front of the police and the neighbors pe
eking through their windows to see what all the commotion was about, “I’m not his baby’s mom. I’m his fucking wife, Ms. Renee, I’m his fucking wife, bitch.”

  She corrected me and said, “You’re his ex-wife.”

  “Young lady, calm down,” one officer said.

  “No! I’m tired of this bitch. I’m tired of your fucking, lazy-ass son being up your ass. Anthony, you need to grow the fuck up. Take care of your son, your fucking bastard!”

  The officer grabbed my arm and said, “Miss, go home.”

  “No, I’m tired. I have been putting up with his trifling ass for too long.”

  It was obvious the cops were not on my side. They were on theirs. They kept telling me to go home. I didn’t. I continued to cuss Anthony out. He came to the door and I tried to spit on him. Then he said I had brought all this on myself.

  “I can’t believe you, Anthony,” I said as I went to lunge at him. The cops grabbed me and took baby Anthony out of my arms and I screamed and started hyperventilating. Where were they taking my baby?

  “Don’t take my baby!” I screamed. They pushed me up against the patrol car and put handcuffs on me. They gave the baby to Ms. Renee. The cop told her if she didn’t take the baby they would have to call the Department of Human Services. Out of the corner of my eye as I was being led into the wagon, I saw Anthony grab the baby.

  The police took me to the police station. As soon as I came in, a cop approached me and said, “You’re Sergeant Martin’s daughter, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you, causing a disturbance? Do you know how embarrassed your dad would be if he knew all this was going on? Don’t go back over there. Handle things the right away. Take your ex-husband to court.”

  The cop that knew my dad convinced the arresting officers to write me up a citation for disturbing the peace. They gave me a court date and the citation and I was free to go. I didn’t want my dad to find out, so I called my mom. She came down to the station to pick me up. She picked up the baby before she came and got me. I was humiliated and I had had enough of Anthony. I was finally done with his ass. And I meant it.

  I was watching Dr. Phil on one of those talk shows. I don’t remember exactly, but they were talking about moving on with you life. On the show they said to get over something you must confront it. I needed to confront Anthony and be at peace with our divorce. I couldn’t call him or talk to him, so I wrote him a letter. It read:

  Anthony, I love you. But right now, I am hurt. My mind is boggled just thinking about all that we went through. I have your son and I love you. I love you. I really just wanted us to be a happy family. Right now, though, I don’t think you love me or care about me at all. The last few times we broke up it was always me coming back after you. I am always running behind you and wanting you. I wish we were together. I wish I was the one to make you smile and you still loved me. I wish you looked at me like you used to. You used to look at me like I was the best thing ever.

  I wish we would have gotten along. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’m really going to leave you alone this time. I don’t know what awaits me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to replace you. You’re a good man. I want you to be happy.

  I don’t know what is going to be worse, being miserable with you or without you. I am so sad. I miss you. I want to call you, but I won’t. I always come back to you. I always call you. I refuse to call you. I’ll never call you no more, Anthony. No fucking more. I won’t accept no more hurt. No more disrespect. I’m going to find someone that loves me, someone who will be a father to the baby. Someone who will make me feel like I am so special. Right now, I have to prepare for him because I wish I could change you, but I can’t.

  Getting it all out felt so good. I needed that. I was going to mail my letter off to Anthony tomorrow. I got ready for bed. I had to go to work tomorrow. I watched Judge Mathis and nodded off.

  Chapter Fifty-five

  Janelle

  I got the yellow pages and called to see how much it would cost to move from Florida to New Jersey. The first place I called said they only did local jobs. The next company would take me, but they weren’t available until the end of the month.

  I had to be in New Jersey as soon as possible. I was packing Damon’s things and I found everything. There were letters, thongs, and pictures from half-naked girls in his closet. I called him and said, “Dame, do you want any of these pictures I found in your closet?”

  “No, baby. Throw them in the trash. I am so sorry you had to see that.”

  There were some pornos and magazines. Those I didn’t mind. The ladies in the magazine didn’t have a phone number and letter describing everything they were going to do to him. I labeled and numbered each box. Boxes were everywhere. Damon had called me back and said he found a company his friend had recommended, and they would be here first thing in the morning.

  I had to make the long drive from Florida to New Jersey. I followed the moving trucks. I could have caught a plane, but I didn’t trust the movers with all our stuff. I drove straight up 95 until we got to Delaware Memorial Bridge. Then I got on the New Jersey Turnpike to go home.

  When I arrived at the condominium it was three in the morning. I called Damon to tell him to come to the door.

  “Come to the door? I’m not home,” Damon said.

  “Where are you?”

  “I went out to the city and had a few drinks with my teammates. I know a few guys from Syracuse. We’re at this club called Lotus.”

  I was so mad at him. I had taken this long journey, gotten a flat, followed behind the movers, and dealt with the movers trying to talk to me at every rest stop up the East Coast. I felt funky and needed a bath. And after all that, his ass was not home.

  “Janelle, I’ll be right there. Maybe tomorrow we can come to the city and do something.”

  “Yeah whatever,” I said as I waited for him to arrive.

  We went to eat dinner at a steak house in Manhattan. I ordered a steak and mashed potatoes. Damon had fried catfish and rice pilaf. Our food was delicious. I was eating my potatoes and bit down on something hard.

  “Baby, there is a rock in my food,” I said as I pulled the hard substance out of my mouth. Damon called the manager over.

  We explained to him what happened and he said, “Sorry, miss.”

  “Sorry? Is that all you can say? I could have choked on a pebble,” I said, as I became angry.

  “It must have came from the dirt on the potatoes.”

  “So you should have washed them off. Let’s go somewhere else,” I said.

  Damon was still trying to eat his fish as we got up, paid our checks and left.

  “Let’s go to Harlem,” I said.

  “For what?”

  “I want to see the Apollo and I want to see what 125th Street looks like. I never been there.”

  We went to 125th Street and it was crowded. There were big billboards on the side of buildings. There were street vendors selling books, pocketbooks, and mixed tapes. We saw the Apollo and people waiting in line to go to a show.

  After Harlem we drove to Times Square. I had only seen Times Square on TRL, on MTV, or in a movie. Damon was acting like a little kid, looking up at all the moving billboards. They were the size of tall buildings. There were different-colored lights flashing. It was like a continuous light show. Advertisements for musicals, artist, and designers.

  Chapter Fifty-six

  Tanya

  Twenty-four hours without a bath or a call home. The cops wanted me to talk about Lil’ Ron. I would talk if I knew something, but I didn’t. Nothing was making any sense. I hadn’t even been arraigned yet. The cops wouldn’t tell me what was going on. I knew they had to at least let me make a phone call home or to an attorney. If I had to say something, anything, to get out of this place, now I was going to say it.

  In all those hours I had had a lot of time to think. I didn’t have the distractions of kids, niggas, television, or the
radio. The only voice I heard was mine. I kept asking myself, Where the fuck is my life going? My life was not supposed to turn out like this. I should have been a model or an actress. I should have done something with my life, anything. I could have gone to somebody’s school, got a job. I was headed in the same direction as Saundra. Living off men, and going from man to man. My mom never had a job. I never saw my mother get up in the morning and go anywhere. Now look at me, I’m following right in her footsteps. I never had a job. Anything I wanted, a man always bought it for me. I need to make a change in my life. I need to do something with my life. I ain’t got shit. Not a motherfucking thing. Nothing, not a car. I live with my grandmother, I don’t have a job, and I ain’t got shit. I ain’t got shit. I don’t want to be my mother. I don’t want to end up like her. She is an ugly mess and I hate her. I hate that bitch for all she did. I know I don’t always have my kids, but I never left them. I wouldn’t ever leave them like Saundra did me.

  I was angry that they had me in this cell. I started yelling and screaming, “Let me out, I didn’t do anything. Let me the fuck out.”

  The cops paid me no attention at first. Then these two mean lady cops came into the cell and put handcuffs on me. They chained me to the bed. There was nothing I could do but sit. I sat for another four hours. I was tired and just wanted to go home.

  The same lady cop who chained me to the bed began to unlock my handcuffs.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Your girlfriend confessed. It’s her boyfriend’s guns and drugs. She told us where all the rest of his drugs are and that you had nothing to do with it.”

  They released me and I didn’t have anyone to call. I didn’t have any money. I just began to walk. I was going crazy. Too much shit had happened to me. They kept Monica. She had to be arraigned and had to go to a bail hearing. I wish Walei was still here. I could have called him to come and get me. I never even had sex with the nigga and he really loved me. He gave me whatever I needed. I should have went with him to San Diego. I didn’t have any money and my cell phone was dead. I didn’t know who to call. I felt like I didn’t have a friend. I couldn’t go back to Monica’s and I definitely was not going home. The only person that might come and get me was Buc. I called him from a pay phone. His phone rang and rang. I was about to hang up when he answered.