What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  “Hey, Buc, listen, can you come and get me?” I asked.

  “Who is this?”

  “It’s Tanya.”

  “Where are you at?”

  “The Round House on Eleventh and Vine.”

  “Hold tight. I’ll be right there. Give me fifteen minutes.”

  I waited for Buc in a little coffee shop. I got a cup of black coffee. I saw Buc and I walked out to his truck. “What’s up, Buc? Thanks for coming and getting me.”

  “What’s going on with you? I pick you up from the Round House?”

  “Nothing. I just need to chill. There’s a lot going on.”

  “You look like you need a friend. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said as I broke down again. I let it all out. I gave Buc a brief summary of what had happened in the last two and a half days. He said I could stay with him if I didn’t want to go home. I took him up on his offer. We went to his house and I took a shower. He gave me a T-shirt to sleep in. He just held me and let me cry. I poured my heart out to him. I just wanted to scream. Instead I started talking aloud about my problems.

  “My mom was in and out of my life and now I’m becoming her. She shows up now and tells us she’s dying. Then I go to Monica’s house and she almost got me a case. Why have I got to have it so bad? My kid’s father got killed. Shit is just fucked up for me. Life is not right.”

  “I understand everything you’re going through. My mom and my dad were doing drugs when I was growing up. I didn’t even have heat in my house or water. I would take baths at my friend’s house.”

  “For real?”

  “Yeah, Tanya, you not the only person that went through something. At least you had your grandmother, I didn’t have anyone. I went away to the Job Corps at fifteen and learned how to cut hair. I know how it feels. My parents are doing okay today. They’re not together anymore, but my mom is married and my dad just had a son. I know you hurt, but you are going to have to forgive your mom. People can change.”

  “I can’t forgive her. I just can’t.”

  “You got a lot to think about, Tanya, but family is important. Think about that.”

  I didn’t want to think anymore. I wanted to rest my mind. I yawned. My eyes were watery and my head was pounding. I closed my eyes and temporarily I became dead to the world.

  I woke up in the middle of the night and asked Buc to take me home because my kids needed me.

  Chapter Fifty-seven

  Janelle

  Our condo wasn’t as big as the house in Miami, but it was nice. It was spacious and had a fireplace. I was happy I got to decorate it the way I wanted to. Damon gave me money to go to Bath Bed and Beyond, Target, and Wal-Mart and I bought everything we needed. I did our bedroom in a creamy white. I wanted to do a purple or pink, but Damon would not go for that. The kitchen only had one window, so I bought yellow curtains and accessories. He has been practicing so hard and is never home. I’m glad I stayed with Damon. I love him and he loves me. I just didn’t want him to mess up his career by doing coke. I didn’t share his drug habit with anyone besides Kelly. I didn’t want my mom or my uncle to think badly of him or me.

  Ever since that night I tried to leave him, I don’t think he has touched it again. I know because I have been checking everything: his clothes, wallet, gym bag, searching in the condo and his car when he is asleep or out. As far as I know he has been doing great. But temptation is always right there. So I decided I was still going to try to find him help. I called information and came across an outpatient facility a few miles from the condo. The lady on the phone was very pleasant and told me the cost and their confidentiality policy.

  When Damon came home he said, “The place looks nice. You are doing a good job, baby.”

  “Sit down, Damon.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Listen, I know you said you want to do this yourself, but I found a private outpatient drug rehab.”

  “I told you I can handle it myself,” he said as he got up and grabbed a Gatorade out of the refrigerator.

  “No, Damon, I want you to go. I’ll go with you. Nobody will know who you are or what you do. I already spoke to someone.”

  “I haven’t touched it since we prayed, Janelle. You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to touch any drug again. I asked God to help me and He has.”

  “I believe you, Dame, I just—”

  He stopped me in the middle of my sentence and said, “Janelle, I’m not going to jeopardize you or my life. I promise you I will never touch that shit again.”

  “But, Damon, I just think it would be better. Forget it.” I sighed.

  “Janelle, I got it under control. But if it will make you happy I will go to counseling, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Damon tenderly picked me up off the floor and kissed me.

  Since we were right in New Jersey, we decided to take the two-hour ride to Philly. I missed my mother and brothers. I never thought I would say that, but I did.

  My mother had gotten reemployed with a law firm in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Her salary was good and she had benefits, all the important things. I told her I was bringing Damon home. She was so excited. She had never met him in person because of his schedule.

  As soon as I entered the apartment, I smelled smoke. I walked into the kitchen and my mom was taking a burned chicken out of the oven. She was trying to put barbecue sauce on it. Damon sat in the living room with my brothers. They asked him a lot of questions. I was giving Damon a tour of Philly. He wanted to get a cheesesteak and see the Art Museum where Rocky had raced up the steps in the movie. I then took him to meet my uncle Teddy.

  Chapter Fifty-eight

  Natalie

  I read my e-mails and that guy Troy had e-mailed me, I hope your son is feeling better. P.S., e-mail me your picture when you get one. I went into my photo album to find a recent good-looking picture. All of my pictures were with the baby or when I was pregnant. I had to take a new picture so I could e-mail it to Troy. I thought that was nice he asked about baby Anthony. I told him Anthony was fine. We instant-messaged back and forth for an hour. I told him I would send him a picture tomorrow.

  Troy asked me to call him on the telephone. We had become pretty friendly. He said he wanted to hear my voice. I was curious about his too. I blocked my number by dialing *67 so if he was crazy he couldn’t call me and find out where I live and come and kill me.

  “Hello,” a voice said. The voice was smooth and deep.

  “Hi, this is Natalie.”

  “Hey, Natalie, about time I got to hear your voice.” We stayed on the phone until 1:00 a.m. He ended the conversation saying that he had to get up and go to work in a few hours. I would have stayed on the phone and talked four more hours. His personality seemed so genuine. I hadn’t been on the phone like that since I was a teenager. I was so excited I had to call someone and tell them.

  “Janelle, I met this guy!” I said.

  “What? That is so good. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t want to spoil a good thing.”

  “That’s so good. I told you just take your time and you would meet somebody. So where did you meet him?”

  “Online.”

  “Online where?”

  “The Internet.”

  “Are your serious, Natalie? Natalie, only desperate women and psychotic men meet people over the Internet.”

  “That’s not true. I’m not desperate and Troy is really nice. He wants to meet in person. And I think I’m going to meet him.”

  “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

  “Why?”

  “He could be crazy. How long have you known this guy?”

  “I know him about two weeks. Is this the same girl who met a man and moved in with him three days later?”

  “Shut up.”

  “No, but for real, he e-mailed me from his job. He is an analyst for an insurance company. His name is Troy Sloan. I’ll give you all his info. I feel comfortab
le. He seems so nice. Plus, I have talked to him on the phone.We are meeting up at a restaurant. I’m not leaving with him, so I’ll be okay.”

  “Well, if you’re comfortable, I’m comfortable. At least call Tanya. Be careful. Who does he live with?”

  “His mother.”

  “Not another mama’s boy, Natalie.”

  “No, he lives with his mom because he just got a divorce like me.”

  I went to the hair salon to get my hair styled. I bought a new outfit and makeup at the mall. I was dressed to the nines and I wasn’t scared when I walked into the restaurant. I didn’t play any dumb game, like tell him I’m going to have on black and wear red. I just showed up. I walked in, looked around, and didn’t see anybody that matched the description he had given me. I looked down and saw his number calling me on the screen of my cell phone. I picked it up and he said, “I see you, Natalie. You look even prettier than I anticipated.” I looked up and he was standing across from me. He came over and gave me a quick hug. He was tall, with a light complexion and was almost a baldy. He was in a suit jacket with khakis and brown lace shoes.

  “I’m glad you could make it,” he said as we grabbed a table and he pulled out my chair. “This is a nice place.”

  “Yeah, me and my husband used to come here. I mean my ex-husband.” I looked up to see his reaction.

  “Look, I understand. How long has it been?”

  “Not long, but it is definitely over.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I know. He is really through and so am I. You know how you can’t make a person change who they are? I didn’t want to change him, but I couldn’t understand him and he didn’t understand me. I love him. Well, I’m not in love with him, but he just has a weird way of thinking.”

  “What was weird about his thinking?”

  “Well, his mom messed him up mentally. She tried to teach him how to be a man. Instead, she turned him into a conservative 1950s-thinking man. Do you believe he thought I should be home with the baby and he really didn’t want me to work? He also thought I shouldn’t have friends. He told me every woman I knew was a slut, with the exception of my mother.”

  “I don’t see anything wrong with a woman staying home with her child, if it’s her choice. I know many women would love to stay home.”

  “Well, it wasn’t my choice. He was always telling me what to do. And just being spoiled. It just irked me so bad. And then he wouldn’t help me with our baby.” I took a sip of my water. “I’m sorry for rambling on about him.”

  “It’s okay to vent. That’s how you get over it.”

  “Okay, now you are a psychologist.”

  “No, but I know. I have been there. My ex-wife didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life. She knew she didn’t want to work and she liked to shop. One day she was taking classes for massage therapy and the next she was talking about starting her own day care. I had my daughter by somebody I dated before I got married. She would argue with me about me going to get and see my daughter.”

  “That’s not cool.”

  “Yeah, I felt like she was jealous of my daughter and I couldn’t take her indecisiveness anymore.”

  “She seems a little crazy. Jealous of your daughter.”

  “Yeah, I know. Let’s not talk about our exes and our past. Let’s talk about setting up our next date.”

  Our food was good and Troy’s conversation was better. When dinner was over he walked me to my car and told me to call him as soon as I got home. He was really nice. I could see us being really good friends.

  I talked on the phone to Troy all week. I could not wait to go out with him! I was thinking about him all week. He e-mails me every day. It feels so good to look forward to something and have someone to appreciate me in a romantic way. He has been sending me cute e-mails. I was going out with him tonight. I was so excited. I packed the baby’s overnight bag and started running the water for my bath. I washed and then took my clothes off the hanger. I found my shoes under the bed. All I had to do was my hair. I called my mother to let her know I was on my way to bring the baby.

  “Mom, we’ll be there in about forty-five minutes.”

  “Okay, you can come over, but I’m not going to be here,”she said.

  “Where are you going to be? You said you would watch the baby.”

  “Damn it, I forgot you asked me to watch the baby. I have my women’s meeting tonight,” she said.

  “Mom, you promised me you’d watch him. You can’t go back on you word.”

  “I know what I said, but I’m sorry, I can’t. I have to go to my meeting.”

  “Mom, that’s not fair,” I said as I hung up and threw down the phone. I didn’t know how I was going to call Troy and tell him I couldn’t go. It made me so mad. Here I had a nice guy that wanted to take me out, and I couldn’t go. On a Saturday night I had to sit in the house and watch television. I took Anthony’s clothes off him and put him in his crib.

  I called Troy and luckily his answering machine came on and I didn’t have to talk to him. I left him a message.

  “Hey, Troy, it’s me, Nat. Um, sorry I’m going to have to cancel. Talk to you later.” Five minutes after I left the message for Troy I heard the phone ring. I didn’t want to answer it. I knew it was going to be Troy. I picked up the phone reluctantly and said, “Hello.”

  “Hey, what’s going on? Why are you canceling?”

  “I don’t have a babysitter.”

  “Oh,” he said as he took a long pause. Then he said, “Let’s take the baby with us.”

  “No, not to dinner.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s only our second date and I don’t want to bring my son. I’ll just talk to you later.” I hung up the phone. I was really mad. I started to take off my clothes. I looked in the mirror and began to cry. I looked really nice and I wasn’t going anywhere. Troy called back again and asked me what my favorite food was.

  I said, “Why?”

  “Because I can come over and bring something to eat and we can watch a movie or television.”

  “No, that’s really nice of you, but I’m just going to go to sleep.” I finished taking off my clothes and went to bed.

  I awoke I brushed my teeth and walked in to Anthony’s room. He was standing up in his crib waiting for me. “Good morning big boy,” I said. He reached his arms out to me. I picked him up and took him downstairs. I let him crawl around while I made his breakfast. I turned the television on and put his oatmeal in the microwave. The phone rang and I answered it.

  “Can you see if you get a babysitter today?”

  “Hey, Troy,” I said.

  “If you can’t we can take your son somewhere.”

  “That sounds good. Let me call my mom and then I’ll call you back.”

  I called my mom and she told me to bring the baby over. I called Troy back and we were going to meet up around three.

  I dropped the baby off and my dad was sitting on the sofa. “Hi, Daddy,” I said as I entered the house. “Where’s Mommy? She is watching the baby.”

  “She left out,” my dad said.

  “What? She’s supposed to be watching him.”

  “Natalie, I know. I got him until she comes back. Where are you going anyway?” he asked.

  “Out, Daddy, nowhere special. Maybe to the mall,” I said. I hated lying to my dad but I didn’t need a lecture about how I was dating too soon or any of that. “Okay, Daddy, I’m out of here,” I said as I sat Anthony on the sofa next to my dad. I gave Anthony a kiss and left.

  I met Troy in the strip mall parking lot near my house. The lot was filled with people and cars. He wanted to pick me up at my house. I didn’t feel comfortable enough for that yet. We went to the movies and then ate at a small Italian restaurant. Troy was interesting and a very good dad. He talked about his daughter Jaine a lot and she kept calling his cell phone every five minutes. He didn’t turn his phone off. I wished he would have though. We were just seated when Tro
y said, “So what’s up Ms. Natalie?”

  “Nothing.”

  “What do you want to do next?” he asked

  “Uh, I don’t know.” I said as I hunched my shoulders. The waitress brought us our salads and a breadbasket.

  “When do you have to pick up your son?” he asked.

  “My mom is keeping him overnight.”

  “So I get to keep you the whole night.”

  “No,” I said as I blushed.

  “I’m only playing. I’m just happy we had the opportunity to get together again.”

  “Me too!”

  On the ride back to my car I wanted to ask him if he wanted to do something else. I didn’t care if we just sat in his car and talked, because I didn’t have anything to do when I got home. Nothing but maybe watch television and fold clothes. But I didn’t have the heart. I didn’t want to come off as desperate, even though I really enjoyed his company. We pulled up next to my car. The parking lot was nearly empty. Troy got out of the car and came around and opened my door. I said thank you.

  “When are we getting together again?” he asked.

  “Just call me,” I said as I searched for my car keys. Troy then leaned me against my car door and kissed me. “We’re outside, somebody might see us,” I said. In the back of my mind I felt like I was betraying Anthony. But that was my problem; I was always thinking about Anthony and needed to start thinking about me. The moment I leaned to kiss him back, his phone rang. At first he didn’t answer it. Then it rang again. He decided to answer the phone and it was his daughter Jaine again.