What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  “I’m out.... Yes, I’ll come and get you, sweetie, tomorrow. . . . I love you too. Good night.”

  While he was on his phone I got in my car and started it. He told me to call him when I got in the house. I told him I would and pulled off.

  Chapter Fifty-nine

  Tanya

  When Buc dropped me off, everybody was sleep.

  “Are you okay, Tanya?” Mom-Mom asked.

  “Yes, Mom-Mom.”

  “Where have you been?”

  “Thinking,” I said.

  “Well, I hope you been thinking about doing the right thing with your life.”

  I sat down next to her. She grabbed my hand and said, “Tanya, I’m not always going to be here. I love Deja and Davon to death, but they’re not my children and you can’t keep burdening me with them.”

  “Mom-Mom, I’m going to get myself together.”

  “You see what the fast life will get you? Nothing. Look at your mother, my only child.” She wiped away her tears with a napkin. “She is sorry, Tanya. She didn’t do any of this to you. The drugs did it. She started that mess right after she had you.”

  “I can’t forgive her. She said she wanted to kill me when I was a baby.”

  “Tanya, please find it in your heart. She is going to stay here. I’m giving her the middle room.”

  “Where are Deja and Davon going to stay?” I asked, shocked.

  “I guess you will be getting your own place. Or we will all live together,” she said unapologetically as she sipped her coffee.

  “When is she coming back?”

  “She is asleep in my room now.”

  I couldn’t believe my grandmother was putting us out for Saundra, I thought as I walked away.

  “Tanya.”

  “Yes, Mom-Mom.”

  “I would never put you out, but I can’t turn away my daughter either.”

  I would not have my kids around a crackhead. Once a crackhead, always a crackhead. I peeked in the room to see that the kids were still sleep. I went into the bathroom and took a long, hot bath. I had so much on my mind. My mom comes back, I get locked up, Monica in jail, how much can one person take? I grabbed a towel and walked into my room and went to sleep.

  My cell rang and woke me up. It was Buc calling me to see how I was doing. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. My mom is staying here now, so I got to move.”

  “Where are you moving to?”

  “I don’t know yet. I have to find somewhere and fast.”

  “You hear anything ’bout your girlfriend yet?”

  “No, I’m waiting for her to call me now.”

  “If you need anything let me know. I’m down at the shop. I can bring you something to eat or we can go and talk.”

  “Thank you. I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone and called Derrick to see if he’d heard anything about Monica yet.

  Sabrina answered the phone. “Who’s this?”

  “Tanya. Where is your uncle?”

  “I don’t know,” she said.

  “Did your mom call there yet?”

  “No, they said she got to get arraigned or something. They trying to find out her bail.”

  “Do you know your uncle’s cell number?”

  “No. Do you know Uncle Derrick’s number?” I heard her ask her sister.

  “Listen, write down mine and when he calls tell him to call me.” She said okay and my other line beeped.

  I clicked over and it was Monica. “Yo, Tanya, it’s me.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m cool. I’m trying to get in touch with Derrick. I keep calling my house and my line is busy.”

  “I just called there and talked to Sabrina. She said he wasn’t there.”

  “He must be trying to get some money together.”

  “How much is your bail?”

  “I don’t know yet. Tanya, I’m not trying to be a snitch, but I’m not going to jail for him.”

  “You better not, he wouldn’t do it for you.”

  “I can’t. I been talking to girls up here. They telling me I don’t want to go upstate. They said it is so rough. I am scared. Girl, who gonna take care of my kids? I’m too old for this shit. I’ll be thirty-one soon and I’m in jail. I’m not being down for no nigga that ain’t down for me. But, um, try to get in touch with Derrick and tell him to wait by the phone. I’m going to call him by two.”

  “So what is the worst-case scenario?” I asked.

  “I don’t know yet. I might get probation or I might have to do some time. I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it. Derrick said he going to try to hustle me some money up.”

  “I got a few dollars if you need it.”

  “Thanks. I got to go. I got to call this lawyer. He said he won’t even go to my arraignment unless I get him eight hundred by four p.m. I’ll call you later.”

  I went into the kitchen. Deja and Davon were eating cereal at the table. Deja gave me a hug and said, “Mommy, where you been?” Davon just looked at me, waiting for an answer.

  “I was out looking for a house.”

  “We’re moving, Mom?” Deja asked.

  “Where to? I don’t want to move,” Davon said.

  “I want to stay here with Mom-Mom,” Deja said.

  “Well, Mom-Mom’s daughter is back and there’s not enough room for us, so we have to move.”

  “Tanya, tell the truth, there is enough room. You want to move. If you want to leave, you leave. The kids can stay with me,” Mom-Mom said.

  “Mom-Mom, as long as that crackhead is here, we will not be here.”

  “Don’t talk about her like that.” My grandmother started crying and then Deja ran over to her and was hugging her. Davon ran upstairs and my mother, Saundra, walked into the kitchen. She was weaker than yesterday. She looked bad: she was frail, her eyes were puffy, and she was walking slowly.

  “You don’t have to leave. I’ll leave,” Saundra said.

  “No, she is not going anywhere. You leave, Tanya.”

  “You saying fuck me for this bitch? Well, fuck you, Mom-Mom,” I said as I raced up the steps and started packing my shit. I didn’t even have anywhere to go, but I was not staying here. I got my suitcase and started filling it. I dragged it down the stairs and slammed it up against the door, then ran upstairs and grabbed a duffel bag and filled that up then I brought it down the steps.

  “Deja and Davon, get your shit now!” I yelled.

  “Mommy, I don’t want to go,” Deja said again. The kids hurried and dressed. I headed for the door and Mom-Mom was in front of it, blocking it.

  “Please, Tanya, please don’t leave me. Please,” she whimpered. “I just got one daughter back. I can’t have another leave. Please, Tanya, it is just us. Please, we going to work this out. We family.”

  “No, move, Mom-Mom, or I’m going to move you.”

  “Then move me, Tanya. Move me.”

  I put the bags down and just got so frustrated I began to kick and hit the wall. I was making holes, but I didn’t care, it felt good.

  My mother came over and stood next to me and said, “This house didn’t hurt you, I did. I’m sorry, beat me. Hit me, you can fuck me up. Beat me. Do whatever you got to do to me. Don’t beat this house.”

  I slouched down on the floor and began to shake. Saundra hugged me. Then Mom-Mom came over to me and hugged me. The kids were clinging to me. “We’re going to work through this,” my mom-mom said as she patted my back and I let out years of anger, tears, and pain.

  Chapter Sixty

  Janelle

  I was looking for a job and this time I was going to keep it. Damon said I didn’t have to work, but I needed to. Plus, I really would be bored. I don’t know anyone here. I’m happy that I’m close to my family. New York traffic was always the pits. I was in the Lincoln Tunnel for at least forty-five minutes. Next time I’m going to catch the train over. I don’t like traffic. I’m not used to it on this extreme level.

  A
fter I got out of traffic I found a parking lot. I gasped at the parking prices. I thought it was that one parking lot. But I rode around some more and all of them were thirty dollars or more for a few hours of parking. I finally valet-parked. I stepped onto the sidewalk. My plan was to try to find a job in retail as a manager, or an assistant manager. I could have sent my resume, but I thought hands-on might be better. I could actually see what the stores looked like. I wouldn’t mind working in a high-end store on Fifth Avenue or a boutique.

  The moment I hit the sidewalk I felt the fast pace of New York life. Everything was on a different level, the fashion, the people, the lifestyle. Yellow cabs were everywhere beeping their horns. I saw men in Wall Street attire to a homeless woman. A girl with doorknocker earrings from the eighties to a woman in a high-fashion dress right off the runway. New York was so busy. I kept thinking I was going to get mugged, like in the movies. Every street I crossed I turned my head both ways. I kept my bag close to my side. I looked up at the street sign and tried to understand how you could be on Fifth Avenue between Tenth and Eleventh. The numbering of the streets was crazy. I just tried to remember where I parked so I wouldn’t get lost. I had the whole day to find my way around the city and possibly find a job.

  I came home and Damon asked, “Where were you all day.”

  “Looking for a job.”

  “Janelle, my girl don’t have to work, I told you that.”

  “Damon, listen. I’m your girl but, I need a job. I need my independence.”

  “Are you coming to the game this week?”

  “I don’t know, why?” I asked.

  If you are you got to let me know by Wednesday so I can get the tickets.”

  “You didn’t have to do that in Miami.”

  “Janelle, new organization, new rules.”

  “I’m coming. It’s just going to be so weird sitting alone in the stands.”

  “Invite your mom, brothers, and uncle up.”

  I called my mother and brothers, but they already had plans. The boys were spending the weekend with their dad. “Hey, Uncle, I got tickets for the game against the Redskins. You want to go?”

  “Tell Damon I said thanks but no, thanks. E-A-G-L-E-S. I would be betraying my team plus I have to work.”

  “I understand. Well, I’ll see you soon. Bye, Unc.”

  If nobody was going to the game with me I wasn’t going. I stayed home.

  Chapter Sixty-one

  Tanya

  I have been trying to deal with my mother and everything that has been going on. I still feel like I hate my mom, but I have been asking God to help me forgive her. I don’t want to end up like her. I have my kids under me. I haven’t been anywhere. I was gradually forgiving her. The kids were getting used to having her around. My grandmother was just happy to have her child around.

  I was in the kitchen eating breakfast when I overheard my grandmother asking my mother how she knew she had AIDS.

  “Because I was dealing with Billy and he got it,” she said.

  “Did you go to the doctor?”

  “No,” she answered.

  “You don’t necessarily have it,” Mom-Mom said.

  “I know I got it,” she said.

  “Well, maybe you should still go to the doctor. I’ll take you to get tested.”

  My grandmother called me into the living room and asked me to drive her to the closest clinic.

  I went with Mom-Mom and my mom to get her test result. We had to wait a week for it. I was just as scared as she was. I did a lot of dirty shit in my time; all the niggas I fucked for money. Nights I got high and didn’t remember what happened. It was scary. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to see my kids grow up and see them become somebody.

  My mind was drifting when the doctor came and told us my mom was wrong. She didn’t have AIDS yet. She had HIV, the infection that causes AIDS. I asked what the difference was.

  “Well, once you get the virus it slowly begins to attack the immune system. The weakening of immune function leads to AIDS,” the doctor said.

  “So she has HIV.”

  “Yes, she has HIV, not AIDS. If she takes care of herself she can live for many years.”

  I turned around and began to shake my head and cry. I cried and Mom-Mom cried. Saundra held us together. She didn’t shed a tear. The lady at the clinic put my mother in touch with a social worker and the department of welfare. My mother had to be put on medication immediately.

  Chapter Sixty-two

  Natalie

  Me and Troy have been dating regularly, going to the movies and dinner. It is just fun having someone of the opposite sex to date and talk to. He asked me if we could get a hotel room this weekend. He says he just wants to lie next to me and be able to hold me all night. All of our dates have been outside and it is getting cold. I wouldn’t mind lying beside him.

  We went to the hotel and he checked us in. We parked and went in at the side door. He kissed me. I felt so nervous. This was the first time I was going to have sex with someone other than my husband. I secretly always wondered if I was any good. Now I guess I would see; at least that’s what I thought. Troy didn’t touch me the entire night. He was a perfect gentleman. I was so upset. He held me all night. I was waiting for him to make his move, any move, something. I wanted his hands all over my body, holding, sucking, and caressing me all over. I went to sleep disappointed. I woke up mad.

  I got out of the bed and went and took a shower. I thought he might invite himself into the shower with me. I took an extra-long shower, asked him to bring me my pocketbook. This would give him the perfect opportunity to see me or say something, and then I could encourage him to come into the shower with me and love me down. He did just the opposite. He didn’t look in, he just reached his arm in without looking and handed me my bag. Okay, that was it, he was not trying to do anything. I couldn’t get any more desperate.

  I put my clothes on. I started doing my hair and spraying my body spray. I guess he really wanted to chill, I thought as I applied my lip gloss. Oh well.

  He said, “I got to get in there.”

  “Okay, give me one minute,” I said. He don’t want to give me any and now he is rushing me out of the bathroom, I thought. I gathered my lip gloss, body spray, and comb.

  I brushed past him and he did what I was waiting for, he took control. He pulled my hair back and kissed my neck and then bent me over the sink. He removed my shirt and began twisting my nipples. They became so hard they were hurting. He placed me directly in front of the mirror so I could look at myself. The same mirror I had stood in front of moments earlier and didn’t think I was going to get any. And now not only was I getting it, I was getting it good.

  “Was this what you were waiting for?” he asked as I kissed him back.

  “No.”

  “Yes, it was. Be honest, Natalie. It is okay to want it, Natalie. You don’t have to wait for the man to be the aggressor.”

  He spread my legs open and toyed with the opening of my vagina.

  “Are you ready, Natalie?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said as I rubbed my body back and forth against his fingers and kissed all over his neck.

  He then placed his middle finger inside of me. “Your shit is so tight. Natalie, you ready?”

  “Yes, I’m ready. Give it to me,” I said as he kept gliding his finger in and out. I couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled down my pants, unzipped his pants, put a condom on, and began to fuck me like I had never been fucked before. We went at it two more times before we left the room. We called the front desk and asked for an extended checkout.

  We checked out at 1:00 p.m. I was sore and tired. I had to go home and soak and lie down before I went to pick up the baby. I couldn’t even walk straight when I picked up the baby. I left my car running. I didn’t want my mom to see the way I was walking. I called her and told her to have him ready because I wasn’t feeling well, and I wanted to hurry up and get home. She met me at the door with his car sea
t and baby bag.

  “You okay, Natalie?”

  “Yeah, Mom, I just need to get some rest. I have to go to work in the morning.”

  I came home and washed Anthony’s body, hair, and clipped his little toes and hands. I read to him and played with him until he got tired. As soon as he dozed off. I took my clothes off, got into the bed, and began to recall my morning and afternoon with Troy.

  The phone rang and rang. It woke me up. I groggily answered it.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Natalie,” Anthony said, sobbing my name.

  “Anthony?” I said, unsure.

  “Natalie, my mom is not going to make it.”

  I thought I was dreaming. I sat up in the bed and looked over at the alarm clock. “It’s four in the morning. What are you talking about, Anthony?” I asked him.

  “My mother is in the hospital. She has cancer. She never told me about it. She is not going to make it. They are giving her one week to live.”

  “Where are you, Anthony?”

  “At Jefferson Hospital.”

  “Anthony, I am on my way.” It was cold. I didn’t want to get the baby dressed, but Anthony was crying. I had to go be with him. Ms. Renee was so strong. I can’t see her being sick. She just cussed me out and now she’s dying, I can’t believe it. I called my parents. My dad answered the telephone.

  “Daddy, Ms. Renee is in the hospital. They gave her one week to live. I’m going to meet Anthony at the hospital. Can you watch the baby?”

  “Of course, come on.” I heard my father wake up my mother and her saying oh my God. My mother got on the phone and asked if Anthony was okay.

  “Yeah, he is really upset. Mom, they only give her a week to live.” I hurriedly dressed in the dark. I got the baby dressed and dropped him off. I still hadn’t had a chance to think about what was going on.

  I saw Anthony. He was sitting in the hospital hallway. There were nurses and doctors walking past. An older man was mopping the floor. He was placing a WET FLOOR sign on that half of the hallway. I went up to Anthony and hugged him sideways.

  He broke down and cried like a baby. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.”