What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  “It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay,” I said as I hugged him tighter

  Anthony was crying uncontrollably. I tried to calm him down and soothe him. “I mean, how long has she been sick?”

  “I don’t know, the doctors won’t tell me anything.”

  “You are her next of kin. They have to tell you something.”

  “It is some kind of confidentiality thing. They did say she has edometrail . . . endomen . . . fuck it. She got cancer.”

  “Are you certain, Anthony?”

  “Yeah, the nurse was trying to explain it to me. Here, she gave me this.” He handed me a pamphlet. I read the form. It was endometrial cancer, tumors in the lining of the uterus.

  “Can she speak?”

  “No, not really. I can’t take seeing her like that. I can’t lose her, Natalie.”

  I walked into the room and saw Ms. Renee. She was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines. Her hands looked swollen and her hair was all over her head. She looked weak. “Hi, Ms. Renee,” I whispered. I didn’t want to wake her. She would die instantly if she saw me standing over her.

  Anthony came into the room and grabbed her hand and kissed it. Ms. Renee didn’t make any movement. She didn’t open her eyes. I pulled a chair up for Anthony and one for myself. It was really chilly in the hospital. I asked the nurse if they had any blankets. She brought us two. I wrapped one over Anthony and the other over my shoulders. Anthony wept in my lap. I patted his back and we sat next to Ms. Renee’s bedside the rest of the night.

  When it got to be eight o’clock I knew I had to call Ms. Jerri and tell her I wouldn’t be able to make it in. I couldn’t call out on her again, so I had my mom call her. My body was stiff from sitting in one position for so many hours. I had to check on the baby and get some real rest.

  I woke Anthony and asked him if he wanted anything. He said to get him a coffee. I got his coffee and told him I would come back later. I felt bad leaving him at the hospital alone. But Ms. Renee’s fate was in God’s hands and all we could do was pray for her.

  I showered, ate, and fed the baby. I briefed my mom about Ms. Renee’s condition. She said it was a shame and that she would pray for her. “Natalie, hurry up and go back down there with Anthony. He needs you.”

  On the way to the hospital I stopped and got Anthony a cornbeef sandwich. He was still next to his mother’s bed. I told him I had some food for him. He said he wasn’t hungry. Seeing Ms. Renee like this hurt me. Before, her eyes were closed and she looked like she was sleeping. Now with her eyes open and her barely being able to speak, it dawned on me that Ms. Renee was really dying. I started thinking of my own mortality and if my mom or dad were lying in that bed. I couldn’t hold back my emotions. A tear streamed down my cheek. Then another one came. Before I knew it I was crying. I grabbed a tissue and waited in the hallway for Anthony.

  He came out, grabbed me, and said, “My mom doesn’t hate you, Natalie.”

  “I know that. What made you say that?” I asked.

  “I just wanted to tell you that. She loves the baby and you. She just always thought you were taking me away from her.”

  “That doesn’t matter right now, Anthony,” I said.

  “I just wanted to tell you that. When you were gone the doctor came and told me my mother is going to keep going in and out of consciousness.”

  “For how long?”

  “They don’t know. That’s why I have to stay here. So she can see me every time she opens her eyes. I wish she could see the baby.”

  “Here, show her this picture,” I said as I gave Anthony a picture of the baby from my wallet. I stayed in the doorway as Anthony showed the photo to Ms. Renee. She smiled a little and then closed her eyes again.

  Chapter Sixty-three

  Natalie

  I haven’t heard from Anthony today. The last time I spoke to him he said they were giving her morphine to ease the pain. He said after they give you morphine it usually is the end. I checked my messages and Anthony was on there. He left a simple message. Call me, my mom just passed. I couldn’t believe it. Anthony was my ex-husband and I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t want to call him back. What could I say to him, “I’m sorry. Hope you feel better?” I just called and said, “Anthony, I got your message. I’ll be right over.”

  Ms. Renee would have been fifty-seven in three days. She had been fighting cancer for six years and she didn’t tell anyone. Anthony found a letter that she had written to him in detail of how she wanted her funeral planned. She had an outfit picked out, the deed to her house, and all her insurance papers together. She left Anthony a hundred-thousand-dollar policy and the baby a fifty-thousand-dollar policy.

  I haven’t spoken to Troy or checked my e-mails. I told Troy everything that was going on. He was real understanding and said he was going to give me some time.

  Ms. Renee’s two sisters flew in from Texas to help Anthony plan the funeral. I had only met them once before at our wedding. Mary Ellen was Ms. Renee’s older sister and Ms. Dolores was the baby sister. Ms. Renee left a red dress with gold beads and mule pumps with red and gold beading to be buried in. Her sister Mary Ellen looked at the dress, then up at the sky, and said with a country drawl, “Sorry, Renee, you are not getting buried in that scandalous red dress!”

  They went out to find her a white suit and white shoes to wear. I typed her obituary and wrote a grocery list of all the things I needed to buy to help prepare the food. My mother was going to help me with the cooking.

  “My sister was a mean, evil somebody. Was she mean to you?” Ms. Dolores asked me.

  “Not really,” I lied. They didn’t know how much Ms. Renee had hated me.

  “She was just crazy. One day she was my friend, the next my enemy,” Ms. Mary Ellen chimed in. “She spoiled that boy rotten. We told her and she didn’t listen. Why you think she moved all the way across the country? ’Cause she was crazy.”

  I tried not to laugh at Ms. Dolores and Mary Ellen, but they were funny.

  We gathered all her pictures and finalized her obituary. Ms Renee had a real interesting life. I didn’t know Anthony’s father was her second husband and she divorced her first husband and moved to Philadelphia. She went to school for nursing but never practiced because she had Anthony.

  Her funeral was small and nice. I sat in the first row with the family. I knew she was there in spirit like “get out of this church.” Ms. Renee had a polished oak casket. Her makeup was very light and she had a short gray wig on. Her white suit and shoes her sisters picked for her suited her well. There were bouquets of flowers everywhere. Her congregation had sent flowers, as well as neighbors and the auxiliary she belonged to. Her pastor spoke and said that Sister Renee was a beacon of joy to everyone that knew her. Her own sister Ms. Mary Ellen whispered to me, “Now why he lying? May God bless her soul, but my sister was a hell-raiser. He is going to get it for lying in church.” I almost began to laugh, but instead I held my composure and kept a straight face. After the service we went to the cemetery and then back to her house. Everyone was sitting around reminiscing about Ms. Renee and eating. Anthony came up to me and hugged me. “I don’t know what I would have done without you, Natalie. Thank you for being here for me.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said as I hugged him back.

  Chapter Sixty-four

  Natalie

  Anthony started staying with me and the baby. It was like old times. I never gave him my letter. He was really making an effort to do the right thing. I was happy him and the baby were bonding again. It felt so good to have help and not to do everything on my own. He had a new emphasis on family with Ms. Renee passing on. We weren’t intimate, but we still had a very close family bond.

  Anthony wanted to sell his mother’s house and move back in with me. I didn’t know if I wanted him to do that. He said he wanted us to get remarried, wanted to buy a new house, and he was going to go back to school. He said he would pay for me to go too. Everything sounded s
o good, but just a few weeks ago, before Ms. Renee had died, we were at war. I felt strange, like in the time we were apart I grew up. I started a new relationship, a new job, and have been making progress in my life. I don’t know if we are supposed to be back together. I mean look at all we have been through. I don’t know if Anthony wants to come back because he really loves me or if he doesn’t have anyone else. I don’t know. I really don’t know. When I’m with Anthony, it is not about me anymore, it is about him.

  “I thought long and hard about it, but I don’t think we could be together,” I told Anthony. I just didn’t want to take all those steps backward. He understood he was the one who was adamant about the divorce. He thanked me for being by his side and said he was going to have to accept we were not married anymore. He said he couldn’t live in his mother’s house, so he was going to definitely sell it and move to Houston with his aunts. I had to live my life for me and my son and unfortunately Anthony was not a part of my new life. I was a little concerned about Anthony being apart from the baby. I didn’t want him to move all the way to Houston, but I couldn’t stay with him either, just for the baby’s sake.

  Chapter Sixty-five

  Tanya

  I did not want to end up like Monica or my mom. I enrolled in a GED class at Community College. I didn’t really want to go. I feel like I’m too smart for some stupid GED prep class. I had dropped out in tenth grade, but I wasn’t a dummy. The first day I went to GED class I almost walked out. We were in this little room in the basement. Our classes met every Tuesday and Thursday evening for twelve weeks. There was an old lady in the front row. In the back making noise were young kids that must have been kicked out or left school, and they thought a GED class was easier than the real thing. The old lady had a cane. She kept asking dumb questions. The teacher, an older white man with a twitch, had to answer them. If he didn’t, it would seem like he was discriminating against her because of her age. It felt like I was right back where I was eight years ago when I dropped out. The teacher gave us an overview of what we would be doing. Everything on the paper looked so simple. There was no way I could sit in this class two days a week for twelve weeks straight. He said you could only be absent twice and being late three times would count as an absence.

  I wanted to get into the nursing assistant program, but in order to get there I was going to have to get this GED.

  When the next class was over I talked to my instructor. “Hi, Mr. Palmerton.”

  “Are you having trouble with the class?” he asked.

  “No, not at all. I wanted to know, is there any way I could just take the GED test? I know this stuff already.”

  “Sorry, no, in order to take our test you have to attend class.”

  “Thanks,” I said as I turned and walked toward the door.

  “But I do know of another program you could go to in Center City. They give tests every month on Saturdays. If you wait a moment I’ll give you their number.” I waited for him to talk to a few other students. He then went in his tattered tan briefcase and gave me the number and I called as soon as I got home.

  “Our next class doesn’t start until November,” the man said.

  “Okay, can I sign up?” I gave the man my information. That meant I had to sit in that stupid class another month. I didn’t want to chance failing and I’d already dropped out of the first class. I bought this book that was supposed to help me study for the test. It was so strange studying. I can’t remember the last thing I’d read other than a fashion magazine.

  I was still attending my GED class. I took the test and was waiting to see if I had passed so I could leave this dumb-ass class. The class was stupid and so were the students. The teacher spoke to us like we were in kindergarten. I was outside smoking a cigarette during our break. I gave up weed and everything else. My grandmother called me and said that my test scores had come. I told her to read them to me.

  “It says out of a possible one hundred you scored a seventy-nine,” Mom-Mom said.

  “A seventy-nine? I don’t think that is passing. Mom-Mom, give me that number off the refrigerator, it has the number to the program.” She gave me the number and I called the program. The people there said I needed an overall 75 to pass. I had a 79, so that meant I passed.

  “Thank you,” I told the lady as I hung up the telephone. I had gotten my GED now. I just had to wait for my nursing assistant program to start. I didn’t return to class.

  Chapter Sixty-six

  Natalie

  Anthony asked me to take him to the airport. He was going to Houston.

  “I have to go to work,” I said.

  “What time do you have to be at work?” he asked.

  “Nine.”

  “I have to be to the airport at seven A.M.,” he said.

  “Okay, I’ll take you to the airport.”

  “Is it okay if I spend the night there, so I can help you get the baby ready? Because I can’t miss my flight. Plus, I want to spend the evening with him before I leave.”

  “I don’t know about that, Anthony.”

  “I’ll sleep on the sofa. I just want to spend some time with my son because I don’t know how long I’ll be gone for,” he said begging.

  “Fine, Anthony, just come to the house.”

  I said goodbye. Then I hurried to work. Ms. Jerri has been riding me ever since I called out on her. I would quit but she pays every week.

  I dropped Anthony off at the airport. Then I rushed baby Anthony to day care and then went to work. Anthony called me from Houston and said he had made it. He told me to think about us getting back together. I told him we weren’t getting back together and once he got over Ms. Renee he would be able to see it.

  I called Troy. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. He was so glad to hear from me.

  “Hey, stranger.”

  “Hi, Troy.”

  “How you been?”

  “It’s been hard, but I’m doing okay under the circumstances,” I said.

  “How is your son doing?” he asked.

  “He’s fine,” I said.

  “And his father?”

  “My ex is okay. He is in Houston.” I laughed.

  “Why are you laughing? I really want to know how he is doing.”

  “He is okay. I don’t want to talk about him,” I said.

  “I miss you, Natalie.”

  “I miss you too!” I mumbled. I couldn’t believe what I was saying.

  “Okay, then when can I see you?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll call you and let you know. Bye, Troy.”

  Chapter Sixty-seven

  Natalie

  Troy was on his way over. He asked me could he see me. I said when and he said now. I gave him my address. I couldn’t wait to see him and put everything else behind me. I arrived home and straightened the place up a little. I lit a candle and turned on my Kindred CD. I washed the baby and put his nightclothes on him and put him in the playpen. I baked chicken and made stuffing and broccoli.

  Troy arrived minutes later. We gave each other a quick hug. He said the food smelled good.

  “Thanks, everything is almost ready. I’m going to make our plates. I’ll be right back,” I said. The baby started crying the minute I walked out of the living room. Troy grabbed the baby out of the playpen for me.

  “I got him. We’re okay,” he said as I walked into the living room.

  Anthony stopped crying and I began making our plates. I pulled two glasses out of the cabinet. I needed ice, and was grabbing the ice trays out of the freezer when I heard a deep, strong voice say, “Nigga, what the fuck you doing with my son?” I dropped the glass. If I didn’t know better I swore I heard Anthony’s voice, but he was in Houston. I know because I had put him on the plane and he had called me. I heard the voice say again, “What the fuck you think you doing holding my son?”

  I ran into the living room. Troy had placed the baby on the sofa. He stood up and said, “Man, take it easy.” Anthony was standing in the living room
yelling at Troy.

  “What are you doing here? You are supposed to be in Houston!” I screamed.

  “Don’t worry about why I’m here. Who is he and what is he doing holding my son? Soon as I leave town you got this nigga playing daddy to my son. I should fuck you up,” he said as he walked up on me. I tried to back away and reason with him.

  “Anthony, listen! We are divorced. You cannot walk up in here asking me questions about anything going on in my home. Leave, now! Before I call the cops,” I said.

  “I’m not going anywhere, this is my house,” he said as he mugged my face.

  “Don’t touch her,” Troy said. That upset Anthony so he hit him with a jab right to the face, knocking him down to the floor.

  “Mind your own business! That’s my wife,” Anthony said as he took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and waited for Troy’s next move. Troy got up and hit him back. They both put their hands up in a fighting position. They swung punches back and forth at each other.

  “Anthony! Stop! Please stop!” I begged as he lunged at Troy.

  Troy punched Anthony in the face. They were circling each other like they were in a boxing ring. They started wrestling and knocked down my lamp. I grabbed my son, picked up the telephone, and called 911. “Please, come quick, my ex-husband has broken into my house and is fighting my friend,” I said.

  I hung up the phone and held on to the baby tightly. I couldn’t believe what was going on. Blood was coming out of Anthony’s mouth. Troy was on top of him. Then they let each other go. While they were apart I stepped between them and asked them to please stop. Anthony pushed me and ran to get his jacket. He pulled out a silver object. The silver object was his gun. I stepped back and so did Troy. Anthony aimed the gun at Troy and started firing. Pow! Pow! Pow! I ducked behind the sofa. Baby Anthony was clinging to me. The gunshots were loud, they were scaring him. He was crying. Anthony just kept shooting. One bullet hit the wall and another hit the banister.