Broken and Beautiful

by Ryan, Kendall

  Breakfast with Cole's family was bittersweet. They were so happy for me and full of words of encouragement. They were also delighted to pitch in to help Cole with CJ while I was gone. Kimberly pulled some strings to get CJ into a daycare close to Hollander and Cameron that previously didn't have any openings. It was pricey, but since it was only for three months and he didn't have to pay me, Cole said it would be fine. He would have probably told me whatever I wanted to hear to make me feel better about leaving.

  Cole's parents also volunteered to watch CJ during the week when Cole needed a break, and Kimberly said that she and Adam would help out on weekends when they could. They assured me that everything would be fine, and I believed them. I couldn't believe how close I'd already felt to the Simmonses and it gave me another thing to miss while on tour.

  * * *

  Sunday, we spent the entire day doting on CJ, and I may have overindulged in the hugs and kisses, but was there such a thing? After we put him to bed, we had our double feature. Both movies were sad because, in less than twelve hours, I would be in New Jersey for a week of rehearsals, then on the road for eleven weeks. I would miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and CJ's birthday. I also wouldn't be there for the adoption hearing.

  Cole and I were huddled on the couch under a blanket watching Steve Martin ride a big toy train at a carnival and fall in love with Bernadette Peters.

  “Cole, what about the hearing? Are you sure you don’t need me to testify?” If I did something to jeopardize his chances of getting custody of CJ, I’d never forgive myself.

  "I've been thinking a lot about the hearing. I don't want my life with CJ to be built on a lie. My birth mother had a lot of secrets, and CJ was one of them. I love him, and he's my entire life. I would wrestle a bear for that kid. If Judge Tomlinson doesn't see that, fuck him. My parents kicked his ass in court before, and I will, too, if I have to. I'm definitely not gonna let you sacrifice any more than you already have for us. Also, an intelligent person once said that my little scheme was a slap in the face to single men and single parents who are dying to adopt children. So maybe standing up to Tomlinson could help other people." He shrugged. "Either way, when I'm parading you around as my fiancée, it's gonna be for real."

  “When?” I asked, feeling my face spread in a smile.

  “That’s what I said.” He squeezed me into him.

  “Are you proposing?” I asked.

  “I will if you want me to. I have an engagement ring in a specimen cup, ready to go.” He kissed me and made to stand up.

  "Stop." I laughed and tugged him back onto the couch and pulled him on top of me, wrapping my legs around his waist. "I don't need you to propose right now, but it's nice to know you want to."

  “Whenever you’re ready, neighbor.”

  “I’m gonna miss you so much.” I giggled.

  “Me too, beautiful.”

  * * *

  Rehearsals went by fast, and it's incredible how quickly your body and brain could activate skills and muscles that you haven't used in years. I talked to Cole at night, but rehearsals ran so late that I missed CJ every time. The disappointment made my heart clench, and I remembered Cole's face every time he came home from work to find CJ asleep.

  The rest of the cast and crew were what I expected. Most of them were nice, some were not. Everyone was focused. My roommate, Michelle, was a tall, white brunette with freckles and a dancer’s body who always seemed to be stretching or performing first aid on her feet. She had a great sense of humor, loved to gossip about the show, and she didn’t mind my CPAP machine.

  Since I'd joined the show at the last minute, I struggled to find a rhythm with the rest of the cast who'd been bonding for weeks, but I worked as hard as I could. The intense focus provided a welcome respite from missing Cole and CJ.

  My mother couldn't understand why I accepted the tour. After I told her what happened in PR—and I expect that she got an earful from Papi and Abuelita—I was sure she was expecting me to announce a real wedding date. The more time I spent away from Cole and CJ, the more I missed them, but I gained a greater understanding of why I had to do this. Performing made me feel alive. I couldn't believe how much I missed the adulation of a crowd until our first performance in Boston. My first number earned the biggest standing ovation of the night, and I was in such shock that I nearly missed my cue and threw off the rest of the scene. When we exited the theater, people were waiting to get their playbills signed and congratulate me.

  “See, I told you,” Cole said in a yawn. It was one in the morning, but he’d waited up for me to call him. “My girlfriend is a star.”

  “Your girlfriend?” It was the first time he’d ever put a label on what we were doing.

  “Unless you’re ready to be my fiancée?”

  "Well, I've only been your girlfriend for"—I paused and looked at my watch—"three minutes. We're moving a little fast, aren't we?"

  “You were mine the moment you decided not to kill me the night we met. That was a big mistake, sweetheart. Now you’re stuck with me.”

  I laughed.

  “How are you, gorgeous?”

  “I’m fine. I miss you. How’s my little nugget?”

  "He's fine. He misses you too. I show him your picture every night and play the video you made of you singing. He'll watch it for an hour straight." He chuckled, and my eyes stung with tears. "Hey, you still there?"

  "Yeah," I said, but my voice was thick. "It's getting late, and you have to get up early. I love you."

  “I love you, too. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight.” I ended the call and cried myself to sleep.

  * * *

  The next week we performed in Philadelphia, Buffalo, and then on to Albany. We had the day off because it was Thanksgiving, but my family was too far away, so I opted to stay in my hotel and order in. Michelle and some of the cast members were hosting a Friendsgiving dinner, but I was too sad to be good company, and at least I'd have the room to myself.

  My phone buzzed, and Cole’s and CJ's faces filled my screen. I took a deep breath, plastered on a smile, and answered.

  “Hey, Happy Thanksgiving,” Cole’s cheerful voice called through the phone.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, baby. What are you doing today?” I asked. I expected him to say that he was waiting for his dad to carve the turkey or fighting with Kimberly over the corn, but his answer surprised me.

  “Waiting for you to come to room 427.” I could hear the smile in his voice.

  "What?" I whispered. Of course, I heard him, but I wanted him to repeat it to make sure I hadn't gone insane from missing him so much.

  “CJ and I are in room 427 waiting for you to show up.”

  I grabbed my room key and ran into the hallway. I jammed the elevator button with my thumb. Five of the longest seconds passed before I decided I couldn't wait any longer and found the nearest staircase and ran down the four flights to the fourth floor.

  Cole was standing in the hallway, holding CJ. When he saw me, he put the baby down on the carpet, and my little nugget ran towards me as fast as his short legs could carry him. I crouched as he got closer and let him tackle me. His laughter filled the hallway as I tickled him. Cole caught up to us and helped me to my feet. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs. I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him, and he closed the distance, pressing our lips together.

  Our kiss was sweet from his lips and salty from my tears. I couldn't believe it had only been two weeks since I last saw them. Cole scooped me under my thighs and hoisted me onto his waist and carried CJ and me back to their room.

  "What are you doing here?" I asked, and it came out in a sob. I was so overcome by emotion that I felt weak. Cole set us down on the bed. CJ wrapped his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist like a spider monkey.

  It seemed that he was afraid if he let me go, even for a second, I would disappear again. I understood how he felt. I was still in shock wondering if I was dreaming and if at any moment I'd wake up to fi
nd that Cole and CJ were never here and I'd actually spent the day crying in my room, eating the turkey breast salad from the room service menu.

  "I wasn't going to let you spend Thanksgiving alone. So, I rented a car and a car seat and made the three-hour drive. Surprise!"

  “Sa-pize!” CJ mimicked.

  “I love your surprises!” I leaned over and kissed him again.

  I did eat the garden salad topped with turkey breast because it was the only thing from the menu I could have. Cole and CJ shared a Thanksgiving platter with a side of carrots. My little nugget still wouldn’t leave me, so we ate our first Thanksgiving dinner together with CJ sitting in my lap and me sitting in Cole’s lap. My big nugget didn’t mind the arrangement.

  The three of us spent the day cuddling and watching cartoons. We could have spent the day exploring Albany, but I just wanted my two favorite guys all to myself, and they agreed. We gave CJ a bath and put him to bed in the hotel's travel crib. He fought sleep harder than usual. It took twice the amount of songs, and he would only fall asleep in my arms.

  I lowered him into the crib, and he stirred when I peeled his fingers off of the handfuls of my t-shirt he'd fallen asleep gripping. Cole stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders as I watched him sleep.

  "Hey." He bent down and kissed my ear. "You'll have plenty of time to miss us when we leave." He bent lower and kissed my neck. "I want to show you how much I missed you." Cole used his massive hands to spin me in his arms, so I was facing him before hoisting me onto his waist again. He kicked open the door to the adjoining room.

  “Did you rent this room, too?” I squealed when he tossed me onto the bed.

  "Well, my nanny quit, so I have all this extra cash lying around." He grinned and crawled on top of me.

  "What if CJ wakes up?" I glanced at the still-open door as Cole was simultaneously licking and biting my neck while pulling my t-shirt over my head. He went into the adjoining room where the baby was sleeping and returned, holding the baby monitor. He placed it on the dresser and stood at the foot of the bed.

  "You are so beautiful, Lisa. I fucking miss you so much." He pulled my pajama pants off and knelt between my legs to do the thing that only he'd done to me. The thing that made me his. His movements were slow and measured as he tasted and tantalized me. I gasped and moaned his name, and he made me climax again and again. His fingers roamed every fold and entrance. His lips and tongue caressed every inch of quivering flesh as if he was trying to memorialize every movement and every shudder. I came apart, again and again, calling his name and telling him how much I loved him and how much I needed him.

  "Lisa," he panted. My body felt limp, and I was covered with glistening sweat, but I somehow managed to lift my head to look at him. "Can I have your mouth, like the first time?"

  The way he asked, shot straight to my heart. The question felt sad and desperate. The fact that he even asked at all spoke volumes. He knew about my ex demanding oral sex from me. Cole was nothing like him, and I relished the pleasure I gave him when I did it. Still, he'd never requested, never pressured me. Our lovemaking was usually focused on my satisfaction and what I wanted. Cole enjoyed making me shatter and reassembling the pieces. Night after night, I felt like a goddess in his arms. It was another reason why I loved him so much; why he was so special to me. Cole was putting on a brave face and trying to be strong and supportive, but he was hurting just as much as I was, maybe more.

  “Of course.” I held my arms out and wiggled my fingers. He clasped my hands and pulled me up to a sitting position. “Do you want a lap dance first?” I dropped my chin and looked up at him through my lashes.

  “If it’s not too much trouble.” He smiled.

  “You know the rules. No touching.”

  “No touching.” He clutched the sides of my face and pressed his mouth to mine in a deep soulful kiss that sent warm waves of electricity rolling through my body. “No touching after that.” He smiled.

  I stood and guided him to the armchair in the corner of the room.

  “Give me your phone.”

  * * *

  We clutched each other in a sweaty tangle of arms and legs, our chests heaving. I couldn't speak for Cole, but I was dying of thirst. We’d spent the rest of the night having all of the sex. I lost count of the orgasms Cole wrung out of my exhausted body, but it still didn't feel like it was enough. We didn't know when the next time we would see each other would be. We continued to reach for each other long after the exhaustion crept in. It was like eating the third slice of a pie when you're already full because you're afraid of regretting it later when you're home alone craving pie.

  “You don’t have your machine, do you?”

  "No," I laughed, and the chuckle shook my entire body making the muscles between my legs throb in pain. I was going to have trouble walking tomorrow, but I was strangely looking forward to the sensation. I wanted to remember this night. Cole would be long gone tomorrow, but at least I would know it had been real, and I didn't imagine it. "When you called, I just grabbed my key and ran out of my room."

  "Are you taking care of yourself, babe?" He turned to me and smoothed the strands of sweaty hair off my forehead.

  “Yes. Are you?”

  "I would say yes. My mom might have a different opinion, but we're doing okay." He gave me a small smile and kissed my forehead. My eyelids were growing heavy, and I blinked, trying to stay awake and keep weariness from stealing what might be my last moments with Cole until God knew when.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so tired.”

  “Go to sleep, love.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead.

  “But, I’m gonna snore.” I yawned.

  "I love your snoring." He kissed my nose, and I slapped his chest.

  “Are you going to be here when I wake up?” I tilted my chin up to face him.

  “Probably not.” He heaved a deep sigh. “We have to get on the road pretty early.”

  My chest clenched involuntarily, and tears stung my eyes and fell. Cole kissed them. They kept falling, and he kept kissing them until I couldn't fight sleep any longer. I drifted off, clutching his body the same way CJ was clutching my t-shirt. I hoped that the more I entangled myself with him, the harder it would be for him to leave me, but it didn't work.

  When I woke up in the morning, Cole and CJ were gone. I reached for my phone on the nightstand. I had two hours before I had to be at rehearsal. There was also an alert for a message. Cole had sent me a video of CJ kissing me goodbye as I slept in this bed before turning the camera on himself, letting me know he loved me, and he'd text me when he got back to the city. And of course, I was snoring. I played the video about ten times before stepping into the shower and crying until I couldn't cry anymore.

  27

  cole

  "This is the last time I'm going to say how ridiculous I think this whole thing is." Susan was pacing in her office. The hearing was less than three weeks away, and though I told her about Lisa leaving over a week ago, I think she still thought it was some kind of joke. "The last time, Cole. Are you sure there isn't a way you can get her to come back? Can't she take a damn leave of absence or something?"

  “No,” I said, “and I don’t want her to. I’m CJ’s only family. He belongs with me. I don’t need to lie. I won’t lie.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ. I used to be like you when I was your age.”

  "Principled," I joked. Susan looked at me with a smirk and raised one warning eyebrow.

  "No, you schmuck, stupid." She sighed, seeming to drop the matter. We sat in silence for a few minutes when Dev walked in the conference room, holding a file folder, wearing a smile, and absentmindedly stroking the plain gold band on his left hand.

  “Hey.” We bumped fists as he approached the table. “How’s married life?”

  “Highly recommended,” he answered. His smile never faltered.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “We got the results from your and CJ’s DNA test
s,” Susan said.

  My heart started to thump wildly. What the fuck was Dev doing here? The tests were supposed to be a formality. My first thought was the DNA tests concluded that CJ wasn't my brother, but that was impossible. He was like my clone. I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. I had to wait for more information before panicking. This was the advice I always gave my sister, but now I had an inkling of what she must go through daily.

  “Okay,” I said calmly and waited.

  “What do you know about your biological father?” Susan asked.

  "Nothing. Crystal never mentioned him." As I got older, I got the feeling she might not have known who he was.

  "What do you know about CJ's father?" Dev sat in the chair opposite me and dropped the file on the table.

  “As much as I know about my own. Nothing.”

  “Well.” Dev shoved the folder across the table to me with an inappropriate smile on his face. “This is going to be very informative for you.”

  I snatched the file and opened it. I scanned the lab report and looked from Susan to Dev and back again. CJ and I had the same father. I slammed the file shut and slid it away from me.

  "Who is he?" I asked Dev. I felt something building in me, something hot and sickening. Not only did Crystal know who my father was, but she also left me after she got out to find him and have another kid. Who the fuck was this asshole? Why did she lie to me? Did he know about me? Was he aware of what Crystal and I went through? Where the hell was he when I got sent to live with my uncles and cousins for those four months of hell?

  "I don't know. Your dad's DNA isn't in any database I had access to, so he's not a convicted felon or related to a convicted felon. But I did a little digging and think I know where you should start if you wanted to find answers."