Nightmares from Within

by Jessica Prince

  We just stood in silence as we waited as the valet pulled Jordan’s car around. He opened the door and helped me in then tipped the man before making his way around the front to the driver side. We both remained silent as Jordan navigated his way through traffic. I couldn’t help but soak in the crushing sorrow that was threatening to swallow me as I thought about how this was probably going to be the last time I would ever see Jordan. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be normal.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally whispered in defeat.

  Jordan

  I felt like such an asshole. Judging by her shaking hands and her unsteady breathing, the woman that was sitting in the car next to me just experienced something that must have been terrifying for her and because I was the jackass who didn’t stop to see if she had a problem, she got to experience it in front of a hundred people.

  And to top it all off, she apologized.

  To me.

  I was the one that should have apologized, but I’d been wracking my brain trying to come up with something I could say to make her feel better. I had clearly taken too long and she probably thought I was pissed at having to bail out on dinner early. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

  I took my eyes off the road for a second to glance over at her and the sight tore at my heart. She sat wrapped in my jacket with her shoulders slumped down and her gorgeous hair obstructing my view of her face. I wanted to pull the car over just so I could pull her into my lap and wrap my arms around her. The pain she was feeling was evident in how she held herself. I needed to know who the hell put it there so I could beat the ever-loving shit out of them.

  “You have nothing to apologize for,” I finally replied.

  Her voice was so low I barely heard her over the sounds of the engine. “I ruined our date.”

  I couldn’t handle not seeing her face so I reached across the console and put my finger under her chin, forcing her to look at me. “Hey,” I said gently. “You didn’t ruin anything. When you told me you were uncomfortable in crowded places I should have gotten you out of there. I knew something was wrong and I shouldn’t have ignored it.”

  She let out a heavy sigh and shook her head. “This is why I’ve never dated.”

  That shocked me. I knew she was speaking more to herself that to me but I had to ask. “What do you mean, never dated?” I questioned. “Like, you hardly go on dates or you’ve never been on one before tonight?”

  She blushed, and seeing it did what it always does, it made me want to kiss her. “This was supposed to be my first date,” she replied and I could hear the embarrassment in her voice.

  “I find that hard to believe, Crimson. You’re a beautiful woman. Men have probably gone out of their minds trying to get your attention.”

  She let out a laugh at that but there was no humor behind it. “I’m a mess, Jordan. Didn’t you see that tonight? No guy has ever wanted to put up with my shit before, and I’m sure that after tonight, you’ll be running as fast as you can in the other direction too.”

  That did it. I couldn’t listen to her beat herself down any longer. I pulled my car over, quickly exited the freeway and pulled into the parking lot of a gas station so I could give her my undivided attention. I needed to make her see how wrong she was and I couldn’t do that while I was driving.

  “What are you doing?” A twinge of panic laced her words as she looked around the brightly lit parking lot.

  “I need to talk to you and I need to see your face while I do.”

  “Please, Jordan. Can you just take me home so we can both forget what a disaster tonight was?” I couldn’t stand to hear her so defeated.

  Not a chance in hell.

  “Taylor, I need you to listen to what I’m about to say and I need those beautiful eyes on me when I say it so I know you understand me.”

  Those sad amber colored eyes hit mine and the sorrow in them just about crushed me. “First of all, you are not a mess and if any of those guys didn’t want to deal with something as minor as a panic attack, then…well, they’re fucking idiots and their loss is clearly my gain because I’m not running anywhere.”

  She shook her head again in disagreement. “It’s not some minor thing, Jordan. Those stupid attacks pretty much dictate my whole life. I can’t even let myself get close to people because of what goes on in my head.”

  I knew I wasn’t getting the full story, but I wasn’t going to push. I wanted…no, I needed her to trust me. I was drawn to her in a way I’d never been drawn to another woman in my life and I needed her to see that I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “How long have you had to deal with this?” I asked.

  She reached up and started fiddling with that locket again. I noticed she did that every time she got uncomfortable. “It started when I was seven,” she finally answered.

  Shit.

  That was a long time to have to deal with something like that.

  “Didn’t your parents ever get you any help?”

  She let out a small huff and rolled her eyes like the question I just asked was completely ridiculous. “They pretty much had the same opinion of me as everyone else.”

  “And what opinion is that?”

  “That I’m a freak,” she stated matter-of-factly.

  It took a lot of energy not to throw the car into drive and drive all the way to Connecticut and kick their asses. “No offense, but your parents are assholes.”

  She laughed at that. Not a sarcastic laugh but a real one that showed off her beautiful smile. “That’s something you and I can agree on.”

  “And you aren’t a freak.”

  Her laughter stopped at that and I would have given anything to get it back.

  “I didn’t exactly have a normal childhood, Jordan. When all the kids in your school watch you have a meltdown in the middle of class you kind of get a reputation. And trust me, that stays with a person.”

  I didn’t say anything in response; just let her tell me as much as she was willing to. If she wanted to vent and use me as the outlet, I was more than happy to accept that job.

  “After that first time the kids started avoiding me, even some of the teachers would look at me funny. My dad’s in politics so my parents were only really concerned with how my panic attacks would affect his chances of being re-elected.”

  “The panic attacks started getting worse, especially in crowded places. So it only made sense that I’d have them at school. Eventually, the kids went from avoiding me to making fun of me. I begged my parents to take me out and asked my mom if she would home school me but that would have cut into the time she could spend sipping martinis at the country club so they made me stay.” I could see how difficult it was for her to admit that to me so I stayed silent and let her continue.

  “Things never really got better. Eventually, I stopped trying to fit in and used all my energy trying to blend into the background. I never went to any school functions, like dances. I never attended a football or baseball game. I wasn’t asked to prom. I was just…alone.”

  She wasn’t looking at me as she spoke. Her eyes were trained out the windshield but I didn’t think she was really seeing anything. She seemed to be stuck in the past as she recounted her childhood. She stayed silent for a long time before coming back to reality and turning her eyes back to me. “That’s why I moved away as soon as I turned eighteen. My parents were ecstatic that they didn’t have to deal with their socially awkward child anymore. They were more than happy to sign the papers to release my trust and get rid of me. Their accountant deposits a check into my bank account each month…you know…as extra incentive for me to stay away, and trust me, I’m more than happy to never speak to either of them for the rest of my life.”

  I didn’t realize the death grip I had on the steering wheel until her eyes cut over to my hands and her eyebrows scrunched down, marring her beautiful face. I quickly flexed my fingers to get the blood pumping back through them. All the while my heart was breaking for her after e
verything she’d just said. How anyone could treat her with anything other than love and kindness was beyond me. Did those people not see what I did? Did they not see her beauty? Not only the beauty on the outside, but the beauty that clearly ran soul deep. If I ever ran into anyone from her past I could guarantee their funeral would have to be a closed casket. She wasn’t a freak. She was a survivor. Her childhood had been shit. Her life had been shit but she’d picked herself back up. She’d moved away from all of the toxic people in her life and started over all by herself. That was commendable. As far as I could see, she was nothing short of amazing.

  Then it hit me. I knew exactly what to do to make our date up to her. I was going to make sure I saw that smile again before the night was over, and if she’d let me, I knew I’d spend even longer doing whatever I could to make sure it stayed there.

  I turned in my seat and put the car into gear. I had my plan. I just needed to put it into action. It was time to make her see just how special she truly was.

  “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

  Taylor

  I didn’t know what possessed me to dump all of my drama on Jordan, but once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. For one small second it felt nice to get everything off my chest…well, almost everything. It was kind of cleansing. That was until he put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. The date had finally come to an end and all I wanted to do was go home to my empty apartment, crawl into bed and cry until I was so exhausted there was no chance of having another nightmare.

  I stared out the window, letting the depression sink in as we made our way through the city. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t heading in the direction of my apartment. “Where are we going?”

  I glanced over and saw a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I have a surprise for you.”

  “Another one?” I asked, leery of his plans since the first surprise hadn’t turned out so well.

  “This one will be good, I promise.”

  A few minutes later he pulled into a packed parking lot. I wasn’t sure where we were, but I couldn’t help but wonder what he had up his sleeve. When I looked out my window to see where we were bright lights shone from a few yards away. Jordan hopped out of the car and I heard the back hatch open for a few seconds before he shut it and came around to the passenger door.

  “Ready?” he asked, holding out his hand to me. I was hesitant but I placed my hand in his anyway and let him lead me from the car and across the parking lot.

  When I finally saw where he was taking me my back went straight and I planted my feet. He turned to look at me and all I could do was shake my head furiously. “Jordan, I can’t…”

  He pulled me closer to his body and ran a finger gently down my cheek. “Do you trust me?” he asked. His voice had dipped low and there was a huskiness in his tone. He was so sincere.

  I did. It was strange considering how short a time I’d known him, but I did. I trusted him completely. More than I had ever trusted another person.

  I looked over at the high school baseball field full of people watching the kids in the middle of a game before turning back to face him. I nodded my head, and at my admission of trust, a huge smile spread across his face, highlighted by those dimples and perfect lips. I’d never wanted to kiss someone so badly.

  I started walking again, but when I headed in the direction of the field entrance, I felt a tug on my hand. When I turned and looked at Jordan he tilted his head to the side indicating we were going the other way. I followed him around the side of the field just outside the fence, wondering the whole time where he was leading me.

  “Where are we going?” I finally asked when curiosity got the best of me.

  We walked a little further before he came to a stop and shook out the blanket that he’d been holding under his arm. I’d been so focused on where we were that I hadn’t even noticed that was what he’d taken from the back of the car. He spread it on the ground and reached for my hand to help me sit down. We were facing the baseball field with a perfect view of the game going on in front of us. It was like we were a part of it but not quite. He took me to a perfect spot where were able to see and still be a part of the action, but were still at a distance far enough from the crowd of cheering people that I was able to feel safe and relaxed.

  “I’ll be right back,” he stated before jogging away without a backward glance. I watched as he disappeared around the front of the field. Once he was out of sight I turned to watch the game playing out in front of me.

  A few minutes later, Jordan returned with his arms full and a bright smile on his face. “Here,” he said, leaning down so I could take some of the items from him.

  “What is all this?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Popcorn, sodas, hotdogs and the pièce de résistance,” he said as he shook a yellow box in his hands. “Milk Duds.” He sat next to me, unwrapped a hotdog and handed it to me along with a few condiment packets. I didn’t get to eat any of my dinner at the restaurant and I didn’t realize until that moment how hungry I actually was. I dove right in like I hadn’t eaten in days, devouring the hotdog and going straight for the popcorn.

  When I looked up at Jordan, I saw him grinning at me.

  “What?” I asked around a mouthful of popcorn.

  He chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing. You’re just adorable is all.”

  Cue the blush.

  “So you want to tell me what this is?” I indicated with a swipe of my hand toward to field.

  “I thought it was kind of obvious,” he replied. “See that tiny, white ball that guy over there is holding? That’s called a baseball.”

  “Oh. He thinks he’s funny,” I said, laughing at his playfulness.

  He gave me a shy smile before lowering his head and looking almost unsure. “You said you never got to go to a baseball game in high school. It seemed like you felt like you’d missed out on a lot of things when you told me about your childhood earlier so I wanted to try and give that to you.”

  I felt tears building up and blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. He was unbelievable. He’d known me less than a week, and in one night, he had already done more for me than anyone else had in twenty-three years. He took me to a high school baseball game because I’d never been to one. Not only that but he had set up a private little spot away from the other people to make sure I was able to enjoy it fully. I knew at that moment exactly how easy it would be to fall for him.

  The uneasiness remained on his face as I just stared at him. He fidgeted with the collar of his shirt and cleared his throat. “Will you say something? I’m kind of having trouble reading your reaction.”

  I opened my mouth and snapped it closed again. I struggled to find the right words to express how amazing he made me feel. “I just…I can’t…” I shook my head trying to come to grips with what he’d done. “No one has ever done anything like this for me.”

  I didn’t give him a chance to respond. Before I could even think it through, I wrapped my arms around his neck and smashed my lips against his. He sat frozen for a few seconds before his body relaxed against mine and he returned the kiss.

  I’d never kissed a guy before so I let him take the lead and allowed myself to follow, gratefully absorbing the feel of his lips against mine. When his tongue dipped out and ran across my lower lip my mouth opened on a gasp. Jordan took that as an opportunity to deepen the kiss. I swallowed his moan and his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer so that I was straddling his lap as the kiss went to a whole new level. There was a desperation that was intoxicating. I was consumed by it. My hands went from the back of his neck to his hair and I grabbed hold of the blond strands, relishing the soft texture of it as I ran my fingers through its silkiness.

  God, this man did things to me. When we pulled back we were both breathing heavily. We’d been so wrapped up in each other that all of the other people at the field had disappeared. He rested his forehead against
mine as we tried to steady our breathing. “Christ, Taylor. I’d love nothing more than to keep making out with you, but this isn’t really the place for it.”

  I instantly realized we were in the middle of a high school campus surrounded by students. I couldn’t contain the laugh that bubbled up when I realized that we’d just been making out like teenagers while surrounded by teenagers.

  It took me several seconds to get my laughter under control, and when I finally did and turned to look at Jordan, he was smiling at me affectionately. “There it is,” he whispered as he trailed his thumb across my lower lip.

  “What?”

  “That smile. I’ve been dying to put that smile back on your beautiful face all night.”

  I turned my cheek into his palm and soaked up his affection. “Thank you for putting it back.”

  He pressed his lips back to mine in a somewhat chaste kiss. “I’m starting to think there isn’t much of anything I wouldn’t do to see you smile.”

  Yeah, I was definitely in danger of falling for Jordan Donovan.

  We spent the rest of the evening cuddled up together on the blanket. I sat between his thighs with my back resting against his chest as he trailed his fingers up and down my arms. The date went from being an epic fail to the best date in the history of dates. And it was all because of Jordan.

  He’d given me normal. Even if it was for just one night.

  I was hit with an unexpected sense of disappointment when Jordan pulled his car in front of my apartment building. I’d had so much fun that I didn’t want the night to end.