When Glass Shatters

by J. P. Grider

  As her back heaved, her crying got more intense, but she didn’t speak.

  “Rain.” What in the world could be making her cry? “What’s going on, love?” He stroked her back while she let go of her tears. Once the crying quelled, about five minutes later, she sat back and looked at Noah. He’d dropped his hand to her leg. “Are you upset we almost hit the tree, or are you shaken up because I told you I tried to kill myself?”

  She let out a joyless laugh and shook her head. “It never occurred to me...to just end it.” She sniffed up some crying snot and ran her hand across her nose. “It's such an easy solution,” she said as if she’d found the answer she was looking for.

  “Wait. Lorraine. You can't be serious. I was fifteen and extremely lost. I didn't know any better, or I did, but I didn't, ya know? You're... I don't understand.”

  The strained moments in which she stared at Noah broke as soon as she spoke again. “I’m tired, Noah.” Her breath caught, and her hand flew to her mouth. “I’m nineteen. And I’m tired,” she mumbled into her hand, her hazel eyes nearly invisible behind the bubbling tears.

  For the first time since his mother died, Noah cried. Really cried. All this time...Lorraine was keeping it all together. Keeping up the home. The kids. Taking care of everything. Noah had no idea that inside...she was breaking into pieces too.

  Noah lifted his hand off her leg and tucked it underneath her hair above her neck. “Then we’ll work it out, Rain. We’ll work it out. Take a vacation, and let me take over. Screw Aunt Margaret, I’ll stop looking for an apartment. I’ll take over the family. Let me be in charge, but for goodness sake, Rain, you cannot end...you cannot end...end your life, babe, you just can’t.” With his heart beating uncontrollably inside his chest, he was scared. Extremely scared for Lorraine. He brought his other hand up and cupped her face. “Rainy. Rainy. Please. It’s not a solution. It’s not—”

  Lorraine bit her bottom lip and shook her head. “I’m not, I won’t, I just—” She leaned her head into his palm. “It just seems like an easy way out, ya know?” She smiled. “I’m trying so hard, but look at us. We’re falling apart. All of us. Carter and his drugs. Norah and this, whatever she’s hiding, and you and quitting school, and this whole thing with Aunt Margaret, and my grandfather being sick, and Mimi stuck down there in Florida. Where does it end, Noah? Isn’t it bad enough all our parents are gone? Isn’t that bad enough, Noah?” Lorraine dropped her head into his shoulder and started crying again. “When is God gonna say enough, Noah? When? I can’t do this anymore. It’s just so ha...ha...hard,” she said between sobs. “So hard,” she said one more time before the sobbing took over.

  Noah let her cry. It was her turn to panic and break down. She deserved it, and he wasn’t going to take that away from her. Because if he didn’t let her shatter like glass safely in his arms, she may break somewhere else and lose all her pieces. And then how could he help put her back together?

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  “Wait. Nineteen?” he asked when she finally finished melting down. “I thought you were eighteen?”

  She raised her head and looked at him. “I’m nineteen now,” she said, her voice hoarse from crying so long.

  Leaning his forehead against hers, he asked, “Since when?”

  “Yesterday.”

  He pulled back and furrowed his brow. “Yesterday? You mean your birthday was yesterday?”

  She shrugged and said, “Yeah.”

  Noah thought he couldn’t feel any worse than he had before, but he was wrong. Here she was trying to make things comfortable for everyone, throwing Carter a birthday party, telling Noah what to buy for Norah, yet no one even said Happy Birthday to her. No one even knew it was her birthday. “How did we let your birthday slip by?”

  “It’s not important. Don’t worry about it. If I wanted you to know, I would have told you.”

  “It’s not important? All you’ve done for us, and you’re birthday’s not important? You’re so wrong, Lorraine. So wrong.”

  She wiped at her face one more time and returned face-forward in her seat. Snapping on her seatbelt and putting the car in drive, she said, “We better get back. It's Carter’s birthday.”

  “I’m so sorry, Rain. I’ve been so involved with how all this has been affecting me, I never stopped to notice that it was affecting you just the same.” Noah let her drive the rest of the ride home in silence. He was too ashamed to say anything more. He simply watched her watch the road. A beautiful soul taking on so much by herself. He wouldn't let her do this alone anymore.

  ***

  Lorraine lit the thirteenth candle. “Okay, shut the lights.” She started off the song, and the rest of them followed, bursting into a happy melody of Happy Birthday. Lorraine was surprised to find she had tears left to cry. At least these tears were happy ones. Carter had Kara and Matt here, Norah had Ashley, and since they’d gotten home, Noah was all over Lorraine—helping her ice the cupcakes, set the table, clean up the Chinese food when they were finished eating. And now, he was holding her hand while they watched Carter blow out his candles. She felt silly for breaking down before. Why all of a sudden it had gotten to her, she didn't know. When Noah told her he tried to kill himself, she felt bad to know that he’d gotten so low to think his life would be better ended. But then her thoughts had turned dark—if she were dead, her worries would be gone; if she were dead, she wouldn't be so exhausted trying to make all their lives better; if she were dead, it would all be someone else's problem. Those thoughts were selfish thoughts, though, and Lorraine wasn't selfish. So, why did the thought seem so appealing?

  Her musings were interrupted when Noah asked, “Rain, can I make you a cup of tea?”

  She laughed. He must really be afraid she was going to give up to be falling all over her tonight. “Yeah. I can go for a cup. Thank you.” She walked over to him and whispered in his ear. “You don’t have to worry.”

  With the tea kettle in his hand, he whispered back. “You need a break.” He nodded, looked at her, looked at the kids eating their cupcakes, and turned back to her. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  Lorraine squeezed his forearm and offered a simple, “Thank you.” Then she sat down and enjoyed the smiles she saw at the table, feeling guilty for having a pity-party on Carter’s birthday.

  Carter, Kara, and Matt went into Carter’s room to play video games, while Norah and Ashley spent time in Norah’s room. Noah insisted Lorraine sit while he cleaned up the kitchen, but she told him it would be faster if they both lent a hand. When they were done, they found a movie on Netflix and watched Jenny’s Wedding together in the living room. Lorraine waited for Noah to say something about her taking a vacation, but he never did. In fact, he barely said anything the rest of the night.

  The next morning, she awoke, sprawled out on the couch, covered in a blanket, her phone alarm blaring on the coffee table in front of her. “Crap,” she said, bringing her hand to her head. She was feeling foggy, but she dismissed it and got ready for her seven AM class.

  After class, Audrey approached her about filling in for the eight and nine AM classes since that instructor had called out sick. Since it was Sunday, and she had no other obligations, Lorraine said she would fill in. She was surprised to see Sofia at the nine AM body-sculpting class.

  “Hi, Lorraine. I didn’t know you taught class here.”

  “Yup. Not normally this class,” Lorraine told Sofia, not really enthralled to be having to stand in front of the class with perfect Sofi staring at her in the mirror. But she did it and was pleased to see Sofia sweating pretty hard.

  “Wow. You’re tough,” Sofia commented after class, wiping her face with her pink washcloth. “When do you normally teach? I love an intense workout like this.”

  “I have the seven AM on Saturdays and Sundays, all the five AM classes during the week, and the rest are interspersed throughout the day.” Lorraine went over to the shelves against the wall and pulled out a piece of paper and reluctantly hand
ed it to Sofia. “This is my schedule.”

  Sofia took a moment to look at it before she said, “Hey, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  Sofia took Lorraine’s arm and led her to the corner near the shelves. “Do you know what’s going on with Noah? He’s kind of being distant, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Oh.” Lorraine wasn’t expecting a chat about Noah. “I, uh, no, I don’t really know what’s, I mean, we’re all kind of in an adjustment period right now. I’m sure he’s got a lot on his mind.”

  “Yeah, I know. I get that. It’s just that I’ve been in his life for so long, and I thought we were getting close. Especially because he’s the one that keeps calling me.”

  “He’s calling you? I mean, he’s calling you. That’s good then, right?” Lorraine felt like crying. She knew she and Noah could never be a couple, but it still hurt to know he was reaching out to Sofia.

  Sofia nodded. “Yeah, it is, but it’s never consistent, ya know?” She shook her head and tsked. “It’s, like, only when it’s convenient for him. And then it’s only for sex. He doesn’t take me out to dinner or the movies. I’m not sure what to really think anymore.”

  Sex? “Sex?” Lorraine was fighting the tears back now. She of all people knew that sex did not translate to love, but for some reason, she thought, maybe hoped, that Noah was refraining from it because of his feelings for Lorraine. That was just silliness; why would a twenty-year old guy refrain from sex? For Lorraine?

  “Yeah. Ya think he’s just using me, Rainy?”

  Lorraine did not have the energy to worry about Sofia’s problems, but she was curious to know how Noah really felt about her. Not intending to be selfish with her questions, she first asked Sofia how she felt about Noah. “Do you love him?”

  Sofia nodded. “I think I do, yes.”

  Feeling bad for Sofia now, Lorraine said, “Then tell him, I guess. Maybe it’ll open up communication, and you’ll find out how he feels.”

  “What if he doesn’t say it back?”

  Really, Lorraine didn’t need this. “I don’t know, Sofia. Maybe tell him to make a choice—he either welcomes you into his life full-time, or none at all. Unless you want to just be there for booty calls whenever he wants.”

  When Sofia gasped, Lorraine put out her hand and said, “No, I didn’t mean that’s what he’s doing, I just meant don’t let him string you along. You can’t chase someone who doesn’t want you. I don’t know. I’m not an expert on this kind of stuff. Especially where it concerns Noah.”

  “I get it. I just thought him being your brother and all, you’d know a little more.”

  “Sofia. He’s not my brother. He’s barely my stepbrother, since I only really met him this past February, so, yeah, I don’t know him well at all.”

  “Right. Sorry. Thanks, though, Rainy. You’re pretty cool, and I’m definitely taking more of your classes.”

  Lorraine drove home with a headache and a heartache. Both brought on by Sofia’s lament. In the past, she’d seek out Dean, they’d go have a cup of coffee and tea, and they’d laugh until Lorraine forgot what she’d been upset about. But that was before. Dean wasn’t around anymore. He’d abruptly stopped meeting her for coffee and walking her to class after Lorraine had told him his feelings weren’t reciprocated. She missed her best friend and wished she could run to him right now. Why did he have to go and tell her he liked her?

  When she got home, Noah was pulling out of the driveway on his motorcycle, but he stopped when he saw her pulling up. “You okay?” he asked when she got out of the car.

  “Yeah, why?” she asked, smiling.

  “I don’t know, you were making this weird face when you were pulling in.”

  “Just a headache.”

  “Norah and Carter are still sleeping, ya wanna go get a cup of coffee, or tea, rather? I was just going for a ride, but we—”

  “Can you take me for a ride?” Lorraine said quickly, interrupting Noah’s invitation for a hot beverage.

  “Sure.” He took off his helmet and put it on his seat. “Be right back.” He ran around back and two minutes later, he came strolling out holding a turquoise-green helmet.

  “What’s that?”

  “I bought it last week. It’ll bring out the green in those hazel eyes of yours.” He handed her the helmet and put his back on.

  “You bought this for me?” she asked, slipping it onto her slick ponytail.

  “Who else?” he asked before straddling his bike.

  “Sofia?” Lorraine climbed on behind him.

  “No. Not Sofia. So, any place in particular?” Noah started the bike and revved the engine.

  “Anywhere.” Lorraine closed her eyes and said again, “Anywhere you want.”

  ***

  He drove her up to Sugar Loaf, New York to buy her a cup of tea. He could have taken her some place closer, but he really wanted to be with her for more than a few minutes. And now, he had her exactly where he wanted her—with her arms securely wrapped around his waist for a whole hour. But once he reached their destination, he had to stop the bike and end the pleasure.

  “Oh, how quaint,” she commented when Noah pulled into the parking lot of a country-style deli. “It looks like an old train. How cute.” She took off her helmet and looked around.

  “Come on, I’ll buy you a cup of tea.” Noah’s hand found Lorraine’s lower back as they walked inside, and she continued to admire the establishment.

  “It’s so charming,” she beamed as Noah ordered her a chai tea and himself a coffee.

  “Want a muffin or something?” he asked before the clerk rang him up.

  “Sure. Blueberry.”

  “Two blueberry muffins, please.”

  They took their refreshments to the little iron tables outside.

  “You come up here often?” Lorraine asked him as she peeled the paper off her muffin.

  “No, not at all. I drove up here once and stopped at this deli to get a soda.” Noah shrugged and continued. “Thought it’d be a nice ride.”

  “It was. Should we be worried about Norah and Carter?”

  “Nah. I’m sure they’ll still be sleeping when we get home.”

  “Oh my goodness, I forgot. Did their friends leave last night?”

  Noah laughed. “Yeah, you crashed before Jenny got married. But Ashley and Matt stayed, Kara’s dad picked her up about eleven.”

  “Phew. Good. I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

  “Hey, you were tired. And Jenny did get married.”

  Lorraine laughed before taking a sip of her tea. “I’m sorry about yesterday, Noah. I shouldn’t have broken down like that.”

  “Are you kidding? I’m surprised you hadn’t broken down sooner. This has been tough, and I was thinking...do you think maybe we should let Aunt Margaret take Norah?” Noah continued even though Lorraine’s eyes grew as big as marbles. “And maybe Carter should go live with your grandmother?”

  “Noah. You want to separate them? Us?” Lorraine looked down, and Noah thought she was going to cry again, but when she returned her focus on him, her eyes were dry. “You really think we can’t do this together?”

  “I don’t know, Rain. We’re kids ourselves, and look, the lawyer doesn’t even think I should be living in the same house with Norah. That leaves just you on a full-time basis. That’s just too much, don’t you think?”

  Lorraine played with the pieces of her muffin, and Noah watched her.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he nearly whispered.

  “No, no, you didn’t. I’m just thinking about it. I don’t think I can give them up like that, though. They’re my family.” She gave Noah a sad smile. “But do you think by keeping them with me I’m being selfish?”

  “I don’t think there’s a selfish bone in your body.” His smile was sad too, and his reasons were selfish—while Lorraine was thinking about her family, he was thinking about her and how much he longed to hold her again.

  “I’l
l give my grandmother a call later and see what she thinks.” She sipped her tea and looked at the grounds around her. “It’s pretty here.”

  Noah looked at Lorraine. “It is.”

  When she looked back at Noah, she said, “Sofia took my class this morning.”

  “What? She goes to your gym?”

  “Apparently. She said she wants to take more of my classes,” Lorraine laughed. “Yay,” she deadpanned, raising her fist in mock celebration.

  “Did she know you taught there?” Noah drank his coffee but never took his eyes from Rain.

  Shaking her head, she said, “No, I don’t think so. She seemed surprised to see me.”

  “Ah.” Noah finished off his muffin and stuffed his garbage in the bag it came in. “She was nice to you, right?”

  “Oh yeah. Very. She actually asked about you.”

  “What’d she say?”

  “Um, well, I feel bad telling you. I’m not sure if she told me in confidence, or if she wanted me to tell you, but...the gist? You should let her know where she stands.”

  She stands nowhere close to the girl in front of him. “Yeah. Guess I should.”

  “How long you been seeing each other?” There was an almost imperceptible catch in Rain’s voice; if Noah hadn’t been listening carefully, he might have missed it.

  “On and off since I was about fourteen.”

  “Fourteen? Wow.” She paused, and again said, “Wow.”

  “Met her my Freshman year in high school. She was a very social kind of girl, very extroverted. But she was sweet. She was there when I, well, when my father found me.” There. He said it. He opened the doors to his heart, and now it was up to her to walk in or not.

  “Oh my...wow. Your father found you?”

  “Yup.”

  “Um,” she hesitated. Through her eyes, he could hear the questions. He waited to see if she’d ask them out loud. “How...how did he find you?”

  Noah smiled, despite the topic. “He found me in the far corner of the laundry room. Blood all over the clean whites,” he joked. Rain frowned. “It was messy...but,” he pushed up the sleeve on his left arm and showed her the heartbeat tattoo that traveled the length of the inside of his arm, “—ineffective, obviously.”