When Glass Shatters

by J. P. Grider

  “She’ll get over it,” Noah told a frowning Lorraine.

  “She was never like this. Norah was always so sweet and quiet and accommodating. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong.” Lorraine decided to start dinner, so she took a pork loin out of the refrigerator and searched for a roasting pan.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s a teenage girl going through puberty. Her hormones are all over the place, not to mention the fact her parents just died, leaving her an orphan.” Noah got up and went to the counter to stand next to Lorraine. “You’re practically a kid yourself, Rain. Cut yourself some slack.” He took her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. “I wish I could be as dedicated to this parenthood thing as you are. You’re so determined to keep us whole and together.” Noah swallowed and brushed his thumb along her collarbone. “You never stop trying to get better at it, either. I mean, look,” he motions to the pan with the pork loin in it. “Didn’t you say the only thing you knew how to make before your mother died was macaroni and cheese? Now look at you. Planning square meals for us daily. I admire you.”

  Lorraine shrugged, grateful for his praise, but feeling defeated nonetheless. “Thanks. I just feel bad. Everything was going so well before they died.”

  “Of course they were. They’d had many years of practice.”

  After she chuckled, Lorraine went back to preparing dinner—Noah’s eyes were boring into hers, and it was getting too intense.

  Noah continued to stand there and watch her for God knows how long—she tried not to pay attention to his staring—before he blurted, “I’m going for a ride. I’ll be back in a little while.”

  As Lorraine puttered around the kitchen preparing dinner, washing the breakfast dishes, and engaging in a bunch of small tasks because she was too lost in thought to do her homework, she wondered about their lives—all of them—and what would end up becoming of them. Noah said he admired how she was keeping the family whole and together, but inside, Lorraine was falling apart. She was attempting to keep Carter and Norah on the right track, keep up her own grades, keep Audrey happy at work, all the while keeping from mourning the loss of her mother the way she needed. No, Lorraine was certainly not keeping the family whole and together. On the contrary, because it all seemed to be up to her, she was afraid they were all going to shatter like glass. And once that happened, she was certain they’d never be able to pick up the pieces.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  When dinner was eaten, and the family of four were sitting in front of their empty plates, Noah spoke up. “So, Carter, how about you and I clear the table and wash the dishes tonight? Give your sister a break.”

  “Gah. No. That’s a girl’s job.”

  “What?” Lorraine practically yelled. “A girl’s job?”

  Noah didn’t like that his sister didn’t respond to Carter’s lame-ass declaration. “Carter. What year is it? Dishes are not a girl’s job.”

  “Tatum always did them.”

  “Probably because my dad was an ass.” Noah checked, Norah didn’t respond to that either.

  Lorraine tsked. “He wasn’t an ass; Brick just didn’t get home until well after nine o’clock. By then, mom just had everything cleaned up.”

  Noah stood. “Come on, Carter. Start clearing the table.”

  When Lorraine picked up a few plates, Noah stopped her. “Rain. You do enough. Go read a book or something. We got this. And Norah, just bring your dish to the sink, we got the rest.”

  Norah, still quiet, brought her dish to the sink, and left the kitchen.

  Lorraine lingered, but when Noah gave her his serious eye, she snorted and left too.

  “What’s going on with Norah?” Noah asked Carter as they picked up the dinner dishes. “She doesn’t seem herself.”

  “I have no idea. She doesn’t talk to me.”

  Noah nodded. “Then, how are you doing? You stayin’ away from the heroin and the pot? And those fuckin’ dickheads at the courts?”

  Carter shrugged. “Yeah. Been hangin’ around Kara instead.”

  “Isn’t she old for you?” Noah filled the sink with water and added soap.

  Carter brought him the rest of the stuff from the table. “She’s a sophomore. But she’s my friend’s sister.”

  “Your friend? Not one of those drug dealers, is it?”

  “No. My friend Matt. We kind of had a fallin’ out, but we’re good now. Kara’s trying to keep me from hanging with that group.”

  “Wasn’t she one of them?” Noah asked, keeping his voice light and indifferent, so Carter would keep talking.

  “She was dating one of them, but she broke up with him. Didn’t like the crowd he hung with.”

  “Smart girl.”

  “Yeah,” Carter said way too dreamily.

  “Keeping up with your grades?”

  “Yeah. They’re always good.”

  “You’re smart?”

  “Yup. Like you. At least that’s what Brick always told me.”

  “Brick told you I was smart?”

  Carter stopped what he was doing. “You’re kidding, right? He said you were a genius. Said God had blessed you with a brain, looks, and athletic ability. He made Rain and me laugh the way he gushed over you.”

  Hmmm. Noah wanted to ask much more, but he didn’t want to sound pathetic, even to a twelve year old. How often did his father talk about him? Was he smiling when he did? Did his father sound proud of him? Or did he convey disappointment? Noah shook the thoughts out of his head before he got too maudlin. Who the fuck cared what Brick thought anyway?

  When the boys were finished in the kitchen, Noah decided to take the bonding one step further. “So, did you think at all about my offer to teach you some wrestling moves?”

  Carter straightened, but then he shrugged. “If you were serious.”

  “Dead serious.”

  Carter dropped his head and shrugged again. “Sure. Yeah.”

  “Good. Come on, we can start now.”

  “Now? But we don’t have a mat.”

  “Mat? We don’t need no stinkin’ mat?”

  “What?”

  Noah laughed. “It’s from an old movie.” He waved his hand dismissively. “But no, we don’t need a mat; the living room will be fine. Come on.”

  ***

  About a dozen days went by, and Noah was in the kitchen helping Lorraine bake cupcakes for her brother’s birthday. “So, the kid didn’t want a party and you’re upset? Rain, twelve-year-old boys are too cool for parties. Besides, I think he’d rather it just be Kara who comes over anyway.”

  Licking her finger after the last cupcake tin was filled, Lorraine said, “He’s thirteen today, but don’t you think that girl’s too old for him? I mean, she’s nice and all, but she’s, what, fifteen? What if she teaches him things?”

  “I’d say, ‘way to go, kid.’”

  She smacked Noah in the arm before opening the oven and sticking in the trays. “Stop. He’s too young.”

  “Relax. Kara seems like a nice girl. I don’t think she’d—” Noah stopped, realizing he’d put his foot in his mouth.

  Lorraine didn’t seem too offended when she said, “Sometimes nice girls do things they aren’t ready for.”

  “Right. I’ll talk to him.” Noah licked the batter bowl before Lorraine took it away from him to wash. “How’s he doing in therapy?”

  “Good, I think. He doesn’t really talk about what goes on in there, but on the car rides home, he’s talkative. I think he’s going to be all right.”

  “That’s good. So, what did you get the kid for his birthday?”

  “Two PS4 games the guy at GameStop recommended.”

  “He doesn’t have them?”

  “Not unless he carries them with him. I looked in his room at all his games.”

  “Cool. Hey, is Norah’s birthday coming up? I have no idea when her birthday is.”

  “Right. ‘Cause you didn’t do birthdays after your mother died.”

  Noah nodded
.

  “It’s next month. The twenty-fifth.”

  “Oh. We better think of something to get her. I have no idea what she likes.”

  “She likes books and clothes. But maybe from you, a pair of earrings would be nice. She’ll be thirteen. Maybe a small pair of birthstone earrings?”

  “Ya think?”

  “I do. Something special. And it’s gotta be from just you.”

  Noah nodded again. “I think you’re right. Thanks.”

  While Lorraine retrieved some butter and powdered sugar, Noah watched her move about the kitchen. There was something refined and dignified about the tiny sprite. As if with each double-leg snatch life decided to take her down with, she’d not only gotten off her back, she’d gotten to her feet stronger, wiser, and more resilient. And she did so with decorum. Noah was in awe of her. Here he was, one of the most intelligent minds at Duke, and when life pinned him to the mat, he stayed there until time was up. And then he’d tried to call it a day and attempt suicide. This time, he may have been older, and not apt to see his life end, but he went and killed his wrestling career and college education and for what? To sit home and provide no guidance or help whatsoever to his family? Noah was useless when it came down to the real stuff. Where was his father to teach him this stuff? Where the hell did that thought come from? Noah dropped his head and sighed, his chest finally clenching in response to a thought about his father. He tried to push it away, bringing his attention back to the pretty little baker in the kitchen, but it didn’t work. His chest constricted even more, and suddenly, he found himself clutching at it.

  “Noah? You okay?”

  “Hmmm?” Lorraine was in his face. “What?”

  “Noah. Noah. What’s the matter?”

  He heard her, he did, but he couldn’t respond.

  ***

  She hated hospitals. The last time she was here was when her mother rushed her here nearly five years ago—the morning she’d woken up and found blood down both legs of her pajamas.

  But Lorraine was here for Noah. She couldn’t let the ambulance take him to the hospital and have him wake up alone. That would be cruel. So, she got in her car and followed the ambulance. At about eleven, she texted Carter and Norah to let them know where she was. When both of them texted back concerned, she reassured them it was nothing serious and told them that they’d still be celebrating Carter’s birthday together.

  Too bad Lorraine wasn’t exactly sure of that. To be honest, she had no idea what was wrong with Noah. She’d watched him as his face turned white, and he became disoriented. When she’d tried to get him to look at her, he’d passed out right in her arms. When she couldn’t wake him on his own, she rested his head on the table and called 911. Now, she was sitting in the little curtained room waiting for him to get back from his MRI. He was awake by the time she’d gotten to the hospital, and he told her he wished she hadn’t called for an ambulance. But people don’t just pass out for no reason, so she felt right in calling.

  A man in blue scrubs rolled Noah back into the room, and Lorraine stood up. “Hey,” Noah said with an eye roll.

  “What the heck? Are you okay?”

  “Yes. I wish you hadn’t called. I’m fine.”

  “Then why did you pass out?”

  “I have no clue, but I know I’m fine. This is ridiculous.”

  “What did the MRI say?”

  “If it could talk, I’m sure it’d say, ‘get the hell outta here.’” Noah laughed. “The doctor has to read them. Why don’t you go home and be with Carter on his birthday? I’ll be fine. I’ll wait for the results, and then I’ll call you to pick me up...if I don’t sign myself out beforehand.”

  “Why would you sign yourself out?”

  “Because. I don’t want to be here.” Noah’s lips tightened. “I don’t like hospitals.”

  Lorraine sat back down. “Oh.” Maybe he’d had a bad experience in a hospital too. Maybe when his mother was sick, she was always in and out of hospitals. Maybe he’d watched her die in a hospital. “I’m sorry, Noah. I didn’t mean to...I mean, I was just worried. You would have called 911 too. It was scary to watch you faint like that.”

  Some moments later, the doctor walked in. “We’re finished with your tests. There are others that your regular practitioner can run, but so far, from what we can tell, and with what you told us preceded the syncope, it may have been a panic attack. Do you suffer from panic disorder?”

  Noah’s eyes kept darting back to Lorraine as he studied the doctor.

  The doctor must have noticed, because he said, “Miss, do you mind giving—”

  Before the doctor finished his request, Lorraine was already out of the room. It was then that she decided to call Carter.

  “Yeah?” he said when he answered his phone.

  “Carter, hey, happy birthday, little brother.”

  “Yeah, you said that in your text.”

  “I know, but I wanted to say it in person.”

  “Since when is over-the-phone in person?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah. How’s Noah? What happened?”

  “I don’t really know for sure, but he fainted in the kitchen, and now the doctor is talking to him. Before they made me leave the room, the doctor asked him if he suffered from panic disorder, so, who knows.”

  “So, is he coming home, or does he have to stay?”

  “No, we’ll be home. I’m pretty sure they’re gonna let him go. Listen, Carter, we’re still going to get Chinese and have cupcakes, so make sure Kara still comes. And if you want to ask her brother, you should. You guys are friends again, right?”

  “Yeah. Okay, I’ll ask him.”

  “Hey, did you see Norah this morning? She answered my text, but just to say okay.”

  “She left about a half-hour ago.”

  “Shoot. Okay. I’ll be home soon.” Lorraine hung up with Carter and called Norah.

  “Hello?”

  “Norah, where are you? Carter said you went out.” Lorraine had been pacing while talking to Carter, but she finally realized she was tired and sat down.

  “I went to McDonald’s with Ashley. How’s Noah?”

  “He’ll be fine. It may just have been a panic attack.”

  Norah didn’t answer right away, but after a few seconds she said, “Is he sad or something?”

  “Sad? No, I don’t think so, why?”

  “I don’t know. I just remember my father saying that sometimes Noah gets sad and panics. It was a long time ago, and I really don’t know what he meant, but you said panic, so...I don’t know. I’m only with Ashley, is that okay?”

  “Yeah. No Kyle?”

  “Um, no, he...no.”

  “You okay, Nor?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. If you wanna ask Ashley to come over tonight, I’d love to meet her.”

  Again, Norah hesitated, but she finally said, “I’ll ask her.”

  Lorraine sat back against the hard chair and closed her eyes, but before she could get any kind of rest, a nurse came in and called her name.

  “Yes, is Noah okay?”

  “Yes. He wanted me to come find you. The doctor’s releasing him.”

  “Oh, thank God.”

  Back in his little room, Noah was getting dressed. “Oh, I’m sorry,” Lorraine said when she pulled back the curtain and walked in on him pulling up his boxers.”

  “Just come in, Rain.” He hoisted up his underwear in no hurry and said, “It’s not like you haven’t seen me undressed before.”

  Lorraine didn’t like that his words triggered certain feelings below her belly. That kind of effect would lead them down the road they were trying so hard to avoid.

  As he pulled on his jeans, he said, “Doctor said I can go home. Probably a stupid panic attack.”

  Pulling her attention away from Noah’s V-shaped abs, she gazed at the computer screen hanging from the wall and gathered her thoughts. When she knew he had his shirt on, she turned and aske
d what he’d been anxious about. “I mean, we were just baking cupcakes, nothing very stressful or anything.”

  “It was nothing. Did you park close?”

  “Um, yeah. Not far.”

  “Good. We just have to wait for them to bring the release forms.” He sat back on the bed and said, “Thanks for coming. And staying. And being here.” He moved his head back and forth. “I appreciate it.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s what family does.”

  Noah frowned and said, “Yeah, well, thanks anyway.”

  ***

  “Noah?” Lorraine asked on the ride home.

  He knew it was coming again. She was going to ask why he’d had a panic attack. “Yeah?”

  “What happened after your mother died?”

  Noah stiffened. “What?”

  “What happened that’s keeping you from getting custody of Norah?”

  “Oh, geez,” he muttered. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk about it. “Not now, Lorraine. Okay?”

  “Sure,” she said, shrugging the shoulder closest to Noah. “I just thought now would be a good time. No one can overhear.”

  “Right.” He shifted in his seat to look at her while she drove. Then he blurted, “I tried to kill myself.”

  She spun her head to look at him.

  But she didn’t return her eyes to the road. “Rain,” he bellowed just before she ran off the road.

  “Ohmigod.” She turned the wheel in time to avoid the oak tree in front of them.

  “Jesus, Lorraine, you gotta watch where you’re going.” Lorraine stopped the car, and Noah leaned his head back against the rest and closed his eyes.

  “I’m sorry I’m sorry,” she said in one breath, her throat sounding like it was filled with fluid.

  The sound made Noah open his eyes and look at her. Her forehead resting on the steering wheel, Lorraine’s shoulders were starting to shake. Noah unsnapped his seatbelt and leaned over, settling his palm on Lorraine’s lower back. “Rain. It’s okay, we’re not hurt. You didn’t hit the tree.”