Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself

by Florence Littauer

  After our listening to the tapes, Chuck asked if we could possibly take the sheets off the furniture because it felt like a funeral home in there. Before, I would have been very hurt that he was criticizing my housework, but I even smiled and helped him pull them off. If the chairs fade ten years from now, we’ll get new ones.

  Thank you for making us listen to the tapes. It’s shown me how serious and stuffy I’ve become, and how little fun I was for Chuck to be with. We can now discuss our differences and laugh about them.

  It is amazing how other people improve when we understand their personalities and don’t try to make them become like us. What a blessing it is when we can learn to accept the slightly irregular just as they are.

  You have probably all heard case histories similar to this. Your own life may be far more colorful than this one, and you may be saying to yourself, If she thinks this couple has problems, she should hear my story! Everyone’s own story is the worst, because it’s personal and omnipresent, but understanding the personalities of individuals can help solve situations before they get out of hand.

  Powerful Choleric/Peaceful Phlegmatic Relations

  Peaceful Phlegmatics don’t like to be pushed, and yet when they are left on their own, they don’t get around to doing what they promised to do. Dotty, a Powerful Choleric friend of mine who is trying to keep from running everything in the home, gave her Peaceful Phlegmatic husband, Lewis, a major decision to make. In discussing vacation plans, he chose a certain resort on the coast. Lewis was to make the reservations. Each time Dotty asked if he had made them yet, he told her he would do it when he was ready, and she should stop nagging him. On the day they were leaving, Dotty summoned up a smile of hope and asked sweetly, “I assume you did make the reservations.” His low-key comment was, “They always have cancellations.” She was furious, and they drove in silence to San Diego.

  When they asked the desk clerk for a reservation, he laughed at them. “You expect to walk into a beach resort in August and pick up a room? You must be kidding. There’s not a space in town.”

  “That was insult enough,” Dotty told me, “but then Lewis turned to me and said, ‘You should have reminded me to call.’ I lost my mind on that, burst into tears, and ran out to the car where I hit my fists on the fenders. I vowed I’d never count on him for anything again.”

  They finally found one room in an old motel next to an all-night diner. Lewis went promptly to sleep on the lumpy mattress, while Dotty lay awake livid all night.

  In the morning Lewis said, “This may not be a luxury motel, but think of the money we saved.”

  Unfortunately, this scenario is typical of the merry-go-round the Powerful Choleric wife and Peaceful Phlegmatic husband are on. He doesn’t want to be pushed around and tells her so. She holds back, and then tries not to check on him. He neglects his responsibilities, and the ax falls. She gets upset and knows she can’t trust him. She takes back control, and he tells everyone she picks on him. She comes across as the heavy, and he looks like the typical henpecked husband.

  Repairing the Damage

  To repair these types of problems, the couples first have to understand their conflicting temperaments, and then pledge together to work from the extremes toward the center. No matter which sex they are, Popular Sanguines have to get their lives pulled together, while Perfect Melancholies realize how hard this is for them to do. Perfect Melancholy has to lower his standards and not get depressed if he finds he’s married to an imperfect person.

  Powerful Choleric has to let Peaceful Phlegmatic make decisions and be responsible, and Peaceful Phlegmatic had best follow through, so the Powerful Choleric won’t take back the reins. Peaceful Phlegmatic should force himself to plan interesting activities, and Powerful Choleric should take time from work to enjoy them.

  All these acts take effort but the alternative is two married people living two separate lives, until the day one of them decides to leave.

  There is hope! Fred and I made the supreme effort to turn our marriage around. I had to learn to get organized, and he had to learn to have fun, but we cared enough to do it and we did. Many who have attended our seminars have written to say how much the knowledge of the personalities has helped them.

  Personality merges in marriage and “you only reach your new identity when you are merged with another person. . . . Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality.”

  Oswald Chambers

  CHAPTER 15

  We Can Recognize Differences in Others

  Once we have an understanding of ourselves through the study of the four personalities, we can open up a whole new world of positive human relationships. We can take the principles we’ve learned and apply them in a practical direction.

  We can know:

  Popular Sanguines are best:

  • in dealing with people enthusiastically

  • in expressing thoughts with excitement

  • in up-front positions of attention

  Perfect Melancholies are best:

  • in attending to details and in deep thinking

  • in keeping records, charts, and graphs

  • in analyzing problems too difficult for others

  Powerful Cholerics are best:

  • in jobs that require quick decisions

  • in spots that need instant action and accomplishments

  • in areas that demand strong control and authority

  Peaceful Phlegmatics are best:

  • in positions of mediation and unity

  • in storms that need a calming hand

  • in routines that might seem dull to others

  As we go through the Personality Principles, begin to plan your use of this knowledge to improve your ability to get along with others. Each temperament has its own style of body language, of speaking, and of social behavior. As we begin to understand the different personalities and start to observe people, we will find that we can often recognize a person’s personality pattern as he enters a room. We should never use this knowledge to judge or label anyone, but just to help us in our relationships with others and in anticipating reactions.

  Popular Sanguine

  Popular Sanguine comes into a party with his mouth open, looking for an audience. As he talks noisily to draw attention to his entrance, his hands are always moving. If Popular Sanguine has to sit, he will wiggle, tap his foot, drum with his fingers—anything rather than sit still.

  He cannot just rest quietly and relax. He is always looking for his next audience and will leave you in the middle of your best story to run off to a new friend who has just entered. He won’t even realize he was rude for he was not listening and did not notice that you were talking. During a party, Popular Sanguine will flit from group to group, and the noise level will pick up wherever he is. The Popular Sanguine woman will enter with hugs, kisses, shrieks, and laughter, and as she talks, she will have her audience held tightly in her hands, in order to keep them from getting away before the punch line. When you see a loud, talkative, exuberant person bounce into the room, you will probably be observing a Popular Sanguine.

  Popular Sanguine talks in colorful extremes without any necessary relationship to the truth. Popular Sanguine feels that if she has heard a dull story that she must pass on, it is only logical that she should dress it up a bit, so you will hear the tale in better form than she received it.

  Whatever Popular Sanguine says, it will be exaggerated and exuberant, and you won’t have any trouble hearing it. Once you spot Popular Sanguine, you can make a quick decision. If you want to be entertained, stay. If you want to talk yourself, quickly flee to another room and find a sedentary Peaceful Phlegmatic who will listen.

  Powerful Choleric

  Powerful Choleric, like Popular Sanguine, finds it hard to relax, and he tends to sit on the edge of his chair, waiting for some action. Small talk is usually a waste of time for Powerful Choleric, and if the conversation cannot be on business or somet
hing he can straighten out, he would rather not talk at all. When Powerful Choleric sees something he wants, he tends to reach for it, instead of asking, and he may, in the process, knock over the centerpiece.

  Powerful Choleric knows everything about every subject and will be glad to tell you more than you need to know about anything. He speaks in absolutes and tends to look at others as if they were prize dummies. It is better not to disagree with him in a social situation for he loves to argue and he will prove you wrong even if you are right. You will find it difficult to escape from his proof, and he may follow you to the car, expounding his logic until you dutifully agree that black is white. Powerful Choleric can be heard to say things such as:

  “I told you so.”

  “Watch out, you dummy!”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Obviously.”

  “Only an idiot would say such a thing.”

  “What is the matter with you?”

  “Haven’t you ever learned anything?”

  “If you only had half a wit about you, you could see I’m right.”

  Once you learn to recognize a Powerful Choleric, you will know how to deal with one in a social situation. Ask him difficult questions and be openly impressed with his answers. Nod intelligently at his major truths of life, and he will remember you as a brilliant conversationalist.

  Perfect Melancholy

  In contrast to the loud, strong entrance of Popular Sanguine and Powerful Choleric, Perfect Melancholy will enter quietly and unobtrusively. The man is hopeful that no one will notice him, and the Perfect Melancholy woman is sure that she wore the wrong thing. The Perfect Melancholy man does not like parties anyway, and he is sorry he even came. Perfect Melancholy tends to stand around the fringes of the group with his hands in his pockets, and he will not take a chair unless he is specifically asked to sit down. He never wants to offend anyone, and he never wants to give the hostess the opportunity of saying anything critical of him later. He often takes some flip statement made by some unthinking Popular Sanguine deeply to heart, and he may go into a mild depression and refuse to talk for the rest of the evening. At the first opportunity, he will drag his wife out the front door and get back to the security of his own home, wondering why he ever left it in the first place.

  Perfect Melancholy finds it very difficult to accept compliments and usually replies with such comments as:

  “You like this old thing?”

  “I have always hated my hair.”

  “Oh, you’re just saying that. It’s really dreadful.”

  “I’m really no good at this at all.”

  Since Perfect Melancholy often has a negative self-image, he tends to say:

  “There’s not much hope for this whole project.”

  “With my luck, it will fall apart.”

  “I could never be the president.”

  “I knew the whole thing was wrong from the beginning.”

  “I’ll probably ruin the entire meal.”

  “I don’t think they really want me on the committee.”

  “I knew I would wear the wrong thing.”

  “I never know what to say.”

  “I wish I’d stayed home.”

  Once you recognize a Perfect Melancholy, you know that you can have a deep and meaningful conversation and that he will appreciate a serious and sincere approach. Perfect Melancholy does not enjoy loud comments, and he will not like it if you draw attention to him. He would rather have one intelligent conversation in an evening than to flit from person to person as Popular Sanguine does.

  Peaceful Phlegmatic

  Peaceful Phlegmatic comes in slowly, with a half-smile, amused that so many people came to such an unimportant gathering. He gives a casual look at the group and hopes he will be able to stay awake. Since he believes that one should never stand when one can sit, and never sit when one can lie down, he heads dutifully for the softest chair he can find. He collapses into the cushions and almost folds up like a lawn chair before your very eyes. He takes the evening easily and relaxes, yawns a lot, and may even doze off. If Peaceful Phlegmatic gets inadvertently involved in the conversation of the evening, he will usually throw in a few witty comments timed properly. These bits of dry humor often go unnoticed for they are inserted in such an unobtrusive manner, and one really has to be paying attention to pick up their subtle value.

  Since Peaceful Phlegmatic would rather relax than exert any noticeable energy, and since he does not have any burning crusade to promote, he tends to talk in somewhat indifferent clichés.

  “What does it matter?”

  “Well, that’s the way the ball bounces.”

  “Now, let’s not get all excited over nothing.”

  “It’s always been that way, and why should we start changing things now?”

  “Why bother?”

  “It just sounds too much like work.”

  Peaceful Phlegmatics tend to band together at parties and sit quietly. There is a certain comfort in knowing that they don’t expect anything of each other, and that they can mutually bask in each other’s acceptance of the status quo. If you are looking for an audience or for someone who won’t argue with you, try a Peaceful Phlegmatic. You’ll like him.

  The next time you are at a gathering, look around and see the Popular Sanguine lady grabbing onto every available male and bubbling over with adorable stories. Observe the Powerful Choleric man firmly telling the other men how to get their businesses straightened out, so that they can be successful like him. Watch the Perfect Melancholy lady, sitting properly and insecurely, while the men are attracted by her soft and gentle spirit (and she hopes that they aren’t saying nice things just to make her happy). Then locate Peaceful Phlegmatic relaxed by the TV in the family room, hoping that no one will find him. Don’t be surprised if his eyes are half-shut and he is saying to himself, This party isn’t so bad after all.

  The knowledge of the personalities can help each one of us to function better in social situations, to converse in a manner that will be appropriate and pleasing to the others present, and to understand the positives and the negatives of other people. From here on, you will have more fun as you learn to spot the talker, the doer, the thinker, and the watcher. Isn’t it wonderful that we were not all made alike?

  Teach a wise man, and he will be the wiser; teach a good man, and he will learn more.

  Proverbs 9:9 TLB

  CHAPTER 16

  How to Get Along with Others

  Now that we have analyzed our own strengths and weaknesses and have begun a program to work sincerely and prayerfully to improve, how can we use this knowledge to help us get along with others?

  One day young Fred was complaining to me about Marita. In his Perfect Melancholy way, he told me she was too noisy, never serious, and not neat. “I have to pick up after her all the time, and I’m sick of it.” I turned to him and said, “Do you know why God gave you Marita for a sister? He wanted to give you years of practice in living with a Popular Sanguine, because He knows you’ll marry a girl just like Marita.”

  “I will never marry anyone like Marita,” he stated clearly, and left the room.

  Several days later when my Popular Sanguine mind had totally forgotten the conversation, he came into the kitchen and said, “You’re right.”

  I had no idea about what, but I was thrilled I was at least right. “You’re right I’ll probably marry someone like Marita. I’ve been sitting in school all week, watching the girls I like, and they’re all just like Marita. I guess I’d better learn to get along with her.”

  I didn’t mention the incident to Marita, and a week later she asked, “Is Fred after something?”

  “Why?”

  “He’s been so nice to me and he even helped me carry some things in from the car.”

  I explained, “He’s agreed with me that he’ll probably marry a Popular Sanguine, and he’s practicing up on you.”

  When we begin to understand the differences in our basic temperame
nts, it takes the pressure off our human relationships. We can look at each other’s differences in a positive way and not try to make everyone to be like us.

  The Popular Sanguine Personality

  Recognize Their Difficulty in Accomplishing Tasks

  Much as we wish every Popular Sanguine would shape up, this thought is unlikely, so we might as well be realistic. Popular Sanguines love new ideas and projects, but they are very poor on follow-through. This weakness is especially difficult for Perfect Melancholies to understand, because they have such a need to finish what they start and think every intelligent person would feel the same. Little Popular Sanguine children need constant supervision to see that they do what they are assigned. They are easily distracted, but they really mean well, so don’t give up. Many mothers feel it’s easier to do things themselves, but that attitude only encourages Popular Sanguines’ weaknesses, and they soon learn if they do poorly they won’t be asked again.

  Since Popular Sanguine adults are just bigger children, the same principle applies. If you are supervising Popular Sanguines, you have to make the instructions clear, even urgent would help, and then follow through, until you can trust them to finish a project. It is always best to employ Popular Sanguines in areas where they shine, and keep them from detailed duties that demand split-second timing.