Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself

by Florence Littauer

  Realize They Talk without Thinking First

  Perfect Melancholies can’t understand that anyone would open their mouths without knowing what they were going to say. Popular Sanguines open their mouths to find out what they are saying. They are not trying to be thoughtless, it just happens. One Popular Sanguine told me, “My husband says my mind is like a gumball machine—all bright colored thoughts rolling around in no particular order and when you press a button they come pouring out by the handful.”

  Realize They Like Variety and Flexibility

  Popular Sanguines always want something new going on, and they do best when an aura of fun is acceptable. Putting them in routine, dull jobs will not maximize their abilities. A Popular Sanguine woman wants lots of clothes, money, parties, and friends, and doesn’t want to settle down to the prosaic side of life. Popular Sanguine men tend to get enthused over a new job and do well until the uniqueness wears off. If you want a steady, dependable, conservative husband, you’d better not take a chance on a Popular Sanguine. If you want excitement, variety, and no dull moments, the Popular Sanguine is your man.

  Help Them to Keep from Accepting More Than They Can Do

  Popular Sanguines frequently get overcommitted, because they become enthused at every new idea or project and agree to join up (or even be president). They also have difficulty in saying no to anyone. Popular Sanguines mean well, but they flee when they are overwhelmed. Help them to analyze their available time and take on only what they can handle. Mates of Popular Sanguines tend to wait until the day the nervous breakdown arrives, and then make them drop out of everything forever. Try to deal with this problem early and rationally, knowing Popular Sanguines need outside activities but can’t say no to anyone. Be impressed that they were asked; compliment their charisma; and help them decline a few outstanding opportunities to be center stage, but don’t cut off all their outside activities.

  Don’t Expect Them to Remember Appointments or Be on Time

  Although I have already pleaded with Popular Sanguines to get their lives pulled together and be on time, don’t you count on it. Even when they plan to be early something always happens. Even if they leave on time, they have to go back for what they forgot.

  It is a miracle Marita and Fred ever got straight teeth with the number of orthodontist appointments I never got them to. Luckily, the doctor was closeted in some inner sanctum, protected by a bevy of young girls in short skirts, so I never had to face him. I’m sure if you asked him about me, he would say I must be some poor confused lady with twelve children, a low IQ, and no calendar.

  Try as they may, Popular Sanguines can’t quite make it all click at once.

  Praise Them for Everything They Accomplish

  Because it is so difficult for Popular Sanguines to get to the far end of any project, they need constant praise to keep them going. Other temperaments who don’t need such frequent bolstering don’t understand that compliments are food for Popular Sanguines. They can’t live without them.

  When Fred and I were first married and I would clean all the crumbs out of the knife drawer, I would ask for praise. “Fred, I cleaned the knife drawer.”

  “It’s about time. It sure needed attention.”

  With that kind of response, I gave up on cleaning drawers. As Fred learned how to handle me by understanding my temperament, he realized how important encouragement is to me. Now when I clean the knife drawer and let him know, he drops everything and runs right over. “Oh, what a lovely knife drawer!” With that I may some day clean another.

  With Popular Sanguine children, it is especially important to acknowledge what they have accomplished, rather than pointing out how poorly they did it. Compliment a few trivia today, and they may do a few more tomorrow.

  Remember They Are Circumstantial People

  More than any other temperament, Popular Sanguines are controlled by their circumstances. Their emotions go up and down according to what is happening around them. When you realize how quickly their emotions change, you won’t overreact to their hysteria. It’s unfortunate for Popular Sanguines that they cry “Wolf!” too often. One lady told me she leaned over a gas burner and her sleeve caught on fire. She screamed to her husband in the other room, “Help! Help! I’m on fire!” and he called back, “You sure are, honey. You’re hot stuff!”

  Bring Them Presents; They Like New Toys

  Oh, how Popular Sanguine likes to get gifts. It doesn’t matter how magnificent the gift might be, if you bring any present he will get excited. Fred has learned how much I love surprises, and if he buys a loaf of bread on his way home, he calls me in and presents it to me as a gift. I open the bag and am truly grateful he had noticed I was low on bread, when I was oblivious. One Easter he brought me home a dozen chartreuse coat hangers he’d found on sale. I was excited, because we have a coat hanger thief, and I can never find a spare hanger. Now that I have chartreuse ones, I can patrol other closets and easily spot the stolen hangers.

  Since Popular Sanguines stay wide-eyed and childlike forever, they are always looking for a new toy to brighten up their day.

  Accept That They Make Fun Out of What Would Be Embarrassing to Others

  Popular Sanguines love to tell stories of their mistakes so listen and don’t try to tell them how they could have avoided the problem. One lady told me she was standing at a street corner at lunch time. There was a traffic jam that had all cars stopped, and the police were keeping all pedestrians out of the streets. Being part Powerful Choleric and not wanting to waste time, she decided to clean out her handbag while waiting. She dumped out the contents of her bag on the hood of a car she perceived to be parked at the curb. As she was sorting through the pile, the traffic jam broke, the police signaled the cars to move and the car she was using as a table lunged off into the intersection scattering her belongings to the winds. She went screaming after her assorted possessions and soon all the pedestrians were dodging cars and picking up her papers, bottles, combs, lipsticks, and money. She got all the important things back, she hopes, and she could hardly wait to tell me this story that would have humiliated a Perfect Melancholy personality.

  Realize They Mean Well

  Perhaps the most important advice on getting along with Popular Sanguines is to realize that they do mean well. So many Perfect Melancholies have told me what a help it is to them to know Popular Sanguine isn’t out to get them. Popular Sanguines want so much to be popular and well liked that they try to be pleasing, and they don’t mean to give anyone any trouble. When you accept this fact, you will have far fewer conflicts with the Popular Sanguines.

  Appreciate their sense of fun.

  The Perfect Melancholy Personality

  Know That They Are Very Sensitive and Get Hurt Easily

  One of the greatest benefits of learning about the personalities is the relief you feel when you can understand why another person reacts as he does. For Popular Sanguines and Powerful Cholerics, who tend to say what’s on their minds without thinking, it is so important to know that Perfect Melancholies are very sensitive and get hurt easily.

  This same trait of sensitivity is a positive that gives Perfect Melancholies their rich, deep, emotional natures, but carried to an extreme, these feelings cause them to be hurt easily. As soon as you know a person is of a Perfect Melancholy temperament, watch your words and your volume and you will avoid having a dejected person on your hands.

  If you see the black cloud come down over the head, apologize sincerely, and explain that you have a tendency to speak too quickly without thinking.

  Realize They Are Programmed with a Pessimistic Attitude

  Until you understand Perfect Melancholies, you don’t realize that they come prepackaged with a pessimistic view of life. This trait is positive, because they are able to look ahead and see the problems other temperaments don’t notice, but carried to an extreme they never seem to have a happy moment.

  Learn to Deal With Depression

  For those of you living with
a Perfect Melancholy who gets deeply depressed, I would again suggest you read my book Blow Away the Black Clouds. This is a layman’s book on the symptoms of depression, with suggestions for overcoming them. The chapter “How to Live With a Depressed Person” will be especially helpful.

  Here are a few basics:

  1. Watch for Signs of Depression:

  Loss of interest in life

  Feelings of pessimism and hopelessness

  Withdrawal from others

  Overeating or undereating

  Insomnia or inability to stay awake

  Talk of suicide

  2. Realize They Need Help. If your concern and counsel are rejected, try to get the affected person to talk with someone whom he respects on the subject of his feelings.

  3. Don’t Try to Jolly Them Up. Before I understood depression, I would treat Fred’s dips by saying cheerfully, “Come on and be happy like me.” I soon learned my jollity only sank him deeper into the pit he was already in. We have to get down in the hole with them, tell them we understand how they feel (and don’t blame them), and then walk up step-by-step together.

  4. Encourage Them to Express Their Feelings. Popular Sanguines and Powerful Cholerics treat depression as something that can be turned off with a switch. Their answer is “Cheer up and snap out of it.” If the person doesn’t respond instantly, they tend to take off and leave him with his problems. The depressed person needs time to pour out his feelings, to examine the cause with someone, and to analyze possible solutions.

  5. Never Tell Them Their Problems Are Stupid. The depressed person feels that his problems, while real, may also be stupid. He gets mad at himself for being moody, and he knows everyone will think his concerns are ridiculous. Because of these feelings, he doesn’t tell anyone what’s bothering him. If you plead with him, he will finally share. Imagine what happens to his psyche when he dares to share and you state, “Why that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard of!”

  Compliment Them Sincerely and Lovingly

  Because Perfect Melancholies are insecure in the love of others, they look with question on the compliments they receive. While Popular Sanguine is so eager for good words that he will take an insult and turn it into a compliment, Perfect Melancholy often takes a compliment and turns it into an insult! Another reason for their doubt of a casual, uplifting word is they are analytical of everything and suspicious of people, especially happy people. They feel there must be an ulterior motive behind a compliment, and yet they really want to be appreciated. This conflict makes it difficult for anyone to give a positive word to a Perfect Melancholy and have it received as it was intended. Knowing this should help you to give sincere, quiet, and loving compliments and to not be upset if the response is “What did you really mean by that?”

  Accept That They Like It Quiet Sometimes

  Before I married Fred I didn’t know it was possible to be both quiet and happy. I thought to be alone ten minutes a day was equal to being unpopular. I’d studied radio announcing, and you could be fired if there were five seconds of dead air. I viewed life in the same vein. Someone had to be talking at all times, and dead air equaled boredom. Imagine my amazement when, after I’d talked straight through the honeymoon, Fred announced, “I really enjoy life best when it’s quiet.”

  Enjoy Quiet?

  Such a revolutionary thought. If you are a Popular Sanguine, you may not know Perfect Melancholies really like moments of dead air. They enjoy staring into space, inhaling a fresh breeze, meditating in the moonlight. If you can understand this principle, you will be appreciated by the sensitive Perfect Melancholy.

  Try to Keep a Reasonable Schedule

  The most important part of life to any Perfect Melancholy is his schedule. He needs to know where he is going, when, and why. A day without direction is a cause for insurrection. Once you accept this fact, you can improve your relationship with your Perfect Melancholies by working to get your life on some kind of a schedule. Don’t try to pull Perfect Melancholy into your haphazard style of life. He’s right. We should all know where we’re going.

  Realize That Neatness Is a Necessity

  The fastest way to put a Perfect Melancholy into a depression is to scatter things all over the house and never know where anything is. Even if you are Popular Sanguine, try to establish some sense of order, pick up things instead of stepping over them, put things back after you use them.

  Perfect Melancholies often carry their desire for perfection to extremes such as the man who said to his Popular Sanguine bride, “If you don’t learn to sleep neater, I’ll get a separate bed.”

  Help Them Not to Become Slaves to the Family (a special note for men with Perfect Melancholy wives!)

  Because Perfect Melancholies are perfectionists, it is difficult for them to accept work not up to their standards. Consequently, Perfect Melancholy mothers tend to do all the work and become slaves to the family. Once the children grasp their mother’s devotion to dusting, they will perform poorly enough to prod her into saying, “I don’t ever want you to do another thing around this house.” They will smile with satisfaction and go out to play forever. While the children will be relieved, they will learn little about housekeeping and have a distorted view of responsibilities in life. Encourage your wife to train the children to be helpers and to lower her standards even with their abilities.

  Be grateful that you have a deeply sensitive and emotional partner.

  The Powerful Choleric Personality

  Recognize They Are Born Leaders

  The first thing to understand in dealing with Powerful Cholerics is that they are born leaders, and their nature nudges them into control positions. They are not Peaceful Phlegmatics who one day made a major decision to take over the world. They are not Perfect Melancholies who designed plans and determined to put them into aggressive action. They are not Popular Sanguines who finally got down to business. They are people who were born with a desire to direct and a love for leadership. A Powerful Choleric child observed his Powerful Choleric father yell at his Peaceful Phlegmatic mother. Even though he didn’t know the personality differences, he comforted his weeping mother by stating, “When he yells at you, you just yell right back!” Once you understand their nature, full of positive traits, sometimes carried to extremes, you won’t be surprised or hurt when they take charge.

  Because Powerful Cholerics are so strong, those dealing with them have to counter with similar strength. They don’t mean to force their own way, they just quickly see the logical answer to situations and assume you want what’s “right.” Once you understand their thinking pattern you can stand firm, and they will respect you for this position. When you allow Powerful Choleric to push you around, he will continue to do so.

  Insist on Two-Way Communication

  The controlling nature of Powerful Choleric makes it difficult for the partner to assert any will in household activities or plans. Because of this problem, the husband or wife of Powerful Choleric must insist on some two-way communication. Insist is a strong word, but it is a needed one in conversing with Powerful Choleric, for he will scoff at your need to discuss matters and just give you answers.

  Sometimes I’ve suggested to women with Powerful Choleric husbands that they hear him out, thank him for his message, and ask for three-minute rebuttal time. He will usually pay attention if you are clear and concise, firm yet friendly.

  Know They Don’t Mean to Hurt

  Because Powerful Cholerics spit out what they think instantly, without concern for someone else’s feelings, they frequently hurt people. If we realize Powerful Choleric doesn’t mean to hurt, that he just speaks straight out, we will more easily accept his quick comments and not be upset.

  When a Powerful Choleric came up to me and said, “I like your dress, and I’ve liked it every time you’ve worn it,” I did not go home and burn the dress. She wasn’t trying to hurt me; she just said what was going through her mind in the order it passed through.

  Don’t Push Your Luc
k

  If your relationship with Powerful Choleric is going smoothly, don’t look for trouble or do anything that might set off a negative reaction. Children learn early in life not to push a Powerful Choleric parent or take chances.

  One day I was talking on the phone with my Popular Sanguine grandson Jonathan when I heard a disturbance in the background.

  “What’s happening Jonathan?” I asked.

  “My mother is yelling at Bryan.”

  “Is she very upset?”

  “Not with me. It’s Bryan.”

  “How are the rest of you doing?”

  Then came the wise reply of this ten-year-old.

  “We’re all hanging right there on the line, and I’m not about to push it to see what will happen.”

  Try to Divide Areas of Responsibility