Transgalactic Antics

by J. J. Green

  “There’s a lot about me you don’t know, Gavin. And one of those things is that I’m a thief. An out and out criminal. Yes, I took this. I stole it.”

  “I—I do not know what to say. I am not sure why you have come to me to confess your guilt. It would perhaps have been better to wait in your cabin and not disobey the command.”

  “The thing is, Gavin, I think we can agree everything’s over for me now. I’m going to wait here quietly until the search reaches this part of the ship. But I wanted to ask you what’s going to happen, and is there anything I can say or do that might mean they’ll deal less harshly with me?”

  Her insectoid manager chittered. He crawled to and fro. He wiggled his antennae. His one hundred eyes blinked. “No, there is nothing at all. What is the English expression? You have come to the end of the road, I am afraid.”

  Voices, shouting, came from the corridor. It sounded like one of the Council’s managers. “Stop, stop immediately. Return to your room at once.”

  Gavin went to the door and opened it. Beyond his bronze head, Carrie saw several of his children, larger now, scamper past. “Oh, the little rascals, they’ve escaped,” Gavin exclaimed. A small insectoid alien ran into the room, and scuttled around its edges and out again. Its father made a swipe at it as it passed, but he missed. “This is most unfortunate. What am I to do? There will be absolute chaos.” A Manager came running down the corridor, closely followed by the chef.

  “Will you please control your children,” shouted the manager.

  “They are just a little high-spirited,” called Gavin. “They will calm down soon enough. Please be gentle. They do not mean any harm.” He turned to Carrie. “I must leave you. I must gather my children and discuss with them the inadvisability of running recklessly around the ship. Please wait here. I am sure the search will be resumed when my little ones are returned to their room.” As he was leaving, he paused halfway through the door. “Not you as well. This is most irregular. Humans will never cease to amaze me. You should not be moving around the ship.” He was talking to someone in the corridor, but Carrie couldn’t see who it was. Then the person stuck his head around the door.

  “I thought I might find you here,” said Dave. “All hell’s broken loose. Gavin’s kids are all over the place. Everyone’s left the canteen to try and catch them. Have you got it?”

  Carrie nodded and opened her hand to show Dave the weapon. He grimaced.

  “So you were aware she had stolen the weapon?” asked Gavin. “This crime is compounded. Dave, you are an accessory, I am sorry to say. Oh dear, this day is indeed going from bad to worse.”

  Dave raised his eyebrows. “She...? But I’m the one who—”

  “Gavin, weren’t you going to look for your children?” asked Carrie. “Look, there goes another one,” she added, as a miniature Gavin darted past.

  “Yes, you are correct. I must...but neither of you may leave this room, do you understand?” Two more of the manager’s offspring scurried down the corridor.

  “Yes,” said Carrie, “we understand completely. But if by some strange chance we were to leave, in the confusion I mean, and put the weapon somewhere that was safe, but where it would be found, then...?”

  The insectoid alien turned and re-entered the room, his antennae waggling wildly. “No, no, no. That would not be acceptable. I could never condone such behaviour. What you have done is utterly deplorable. I am sure you intended no harm, but stealing a weapon, especially one of such vital importance in the effort to control the placktoids, a top secret—”

  “What weapon?” said Dave.

  “The weapon Carrie stole, of course,” said Gavin.

  She held it out on the flat of her palm. “I can’t see anything, can you, Dave?”

  “Nope, nothing at all.”

  “Oh, really,” exclaimed Gavin. “I know what you two are doing. It is no use...I—I must call someone to...” Another of his children appeared, climbing the corridor wall. “I must...I must go and find my children. Please remain here. This matter is not resolved.”

  As he left, Carrie high-fived her friend.

  “Do you think he’ll tell someone?” asked Dave.

  Carrie smiled. “I think he’ll probably forget in all the confusion.” Lights began to flash, and an announcement sounded.

  “Emergency. Emergency. All managers and senior staff report immediately to the central office.”

  Chapter Eighteen – Home Truths

  The missing weapon did indeed seem to be temporarily forgotten in the new crisis. The senior Council management held a private conference in their staff office, staying mum about what the emergency was, while Carrie and Dave, along with the other trainees, were given the task of catching Gavin and Errruorerrrrrhch’s escaped children. The insectoid kids had quickly figured out the pheromone keys to every door on the ship, and they had spread everywhere. When the trainees found them, they were supposed to return them to their room, where they were to be kept locked in and guarded.

  Carrie and Dave had been assigned to search the ship’s engine room. Carrie was disappointed by the place. She had expected massive dilithium crystals and intense engineers with regional accents, but in fact the room contained only a large number of pipes, running at various angles across the walls and ceiling. “It’s a bit underwhelming, isn’t it? How do you think the engine works?” she asked Dave.

  “If we knew that, humans wouldn’t be stuck on Earth, would they?”

  “Hmpf.” Carrie put her hands on her hips as she surveyed the room. The pipes created nooks and crannies just big enough to hold a naughty immature insectoid alien, but they were very difficult for a human to see between and behind. They would have to feel around each pipe and in each crevice. The special dexterity and sensitivity of human hands was the reason the Managers had given for their selection for the job, but Carrie suspected Gavin had recommended them as a punishment for the weapon-stealing affair.

  Dave peered into a shadowed corner. “I’ll help find them, but I’m not touching the little monsters.”

  “Oh come on, they’re kind of cute, don’t you think?”

  “You don’t actually mean that, do you.”

  “No, you’re right. I don’t.” Carrie squatted down and peered under a large white pipe that hummed. When she saw nothing underneath the pipe, she reached behind it, running her hand along the farther side. She tried to push aside thoughts of what the little escapees felt like. Hard, articulated and wriggly, she remembered from the encounter in the canteen. Did they bite? She shuddered, and noticed Dave had returned to the middle of the room and was looking about uncertainly. She straightened up. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll search this side. You search over there.” She pointed. “Then we’ll meet in the middle.”

  He sloped off to the opposite end of the room and began casually inspecting it. Carrie sighed and resumed her search.

  “I forgot to ask what you were doing back there, in Gavin’s room,” said Dave.

  “Oh, that doesn’t matter now. Forget about it. Damn.” One of Gavin’s children had shot out from a high corner. It dashed across the ceiling before disappearing into a dark recess. “Well we know there’s at least one in here. I wonder if I can climb up there?”

  “When I heard the announcement in the canteen, about the weapon,” said Dave, “I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. And of course, I couldn’t do anything anyway. I couldn’t leave, and I couldn’t contact you.”

  “They were bound to find out eventually.” Carrie stepped onto a pipe and grabbed the one above. “They must have taken stock of the equipment and noticed they were one weapon short.”

  “Yeah, you were right. I should’ve gotten rid of it a long time ago.”

  “You shouldn’t have taken it in the first place, but never mind. What’s done is done. It’s over now. That was a good idea of yours to put it in Errruorerrrrrhch’s office after we left Gavin’s room. As soon as the Managers are out of their meeting she’ll find it, and no one
will be any the wiser as to who put it there.”

  “Yes, that’s a weight off my mind. But you still didn’t answer my question. Why did you go to see Gavin? What were you telling him? From what he said, he seemed to think you’d taken it, and you’d gone there to confess.”

  “Like I said, it doesn’t matter now.” Carrie stepped up onto another pipe and felt behind it.

  “Is that what happened? Is that why you were there?”

  Carrie didn’t answer, unsure what to say. She continued to climb the pipes. A juvenile insectoid alien ran out from behind a pipe and over her hand. She gave a squeal and jumped down. The immature insect, going too fast, slipped off the pipe and fell to the floor next to Carrie. She threw herself over it. “I think I’ve got it. Chuck me the bag.”

  Dave tossed her the bag they’d been given for transporting the escapees. She caught it in one hand and felt beneath her with the other. “Got you,” she exclaimed, and withdrew a struggling alien. After pushing it into the bag while it protested with a noxious stench, she pulled the tie closed and threw it back to Dave. “You hold onto this while I search the rest of the room.”

  Her friend caught the bag and quickly put it down. “Carrie, answer me, did you go to Gavin to tell him you were the thief? To take the rap for me?”

  Exhaling heavily she answered, “Kind of, but it made sense, you know? I’m going to fail the course. Gavin as much as told me so, but you’ll make a great Liaison Officer. I thought I might as well take the blame so the Council doesn’t miss out on having you.”

  “What?” Dave took a step towards her. “That’s insane. I mean, I appreciate it. That was an amazing thing for you to do. You’re a great friend. But, you’re good at your job. You aren’t going to fail. Whereas me, well, I have no idea what I’m doing. I can barely swim even.”

  “Huh, there’s a lot more than swimming involved. You’ve done really well, especially considering you only came along to do me a favour.” She began climbing again, heading for the recess where the first insect they had seen was hiding. “I try. I want to help, I really do, but I can’t seem to do anything right. Things just go to pot whenever I appear on the scene, and I don’t know why. I’ve given up trying to figure it out.”

  “Well, firstly that isn’t true. You’ve done great work—”

  “No, I’ve just been lucky, as Belinda pointed out.”

  “—and secondly, if you just thought things through a bit more...”

  “What do you mean, if I thought things through more? I think things through all the time. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She reached into the hole. “Hmm...it isn’t there. It must have moved while we weren’t looking.” She began climbing down.

  “I mean it, Carrie. Every time you do something stupid, I swear, it’s just because you’re being reckless and impulsive. If you just thought before you acted, you wouldn’t have half the problems you do.”

  Carrie’s mouth opened to an O as she reached the ground. “Reckless and impulsive, am I?” she exclaimed. “Thanks very much. After I take the blame for your kleptomania, this is the gratitude I get. Insults from someone who’s supposed to be my friend.” She snatched the bag out of Dave’s hand.

  “Carrie, I’m just trying to help.”

  “Well, I can do without your help.” She turned her back on him. “I’ve had enough of this searching. We’re going to be here all day at this rate.” She squared her shoulders and addressed the room. “Okay, I can see you all. I know exactly where you are, so you might as well come out now.” After a moment, three insectoid children crawled from their hiding places, somehow looking abashed. Carrie put the bag on the floor and opened its mouth. “Game’s over. In you get.”

  Dave looked on, shaking his head in awe, as Gavin’s offspring trooped obediently into the bag. “You see—”

  “Hmpf. Got some more insults to throw at me?” asked Carrie, pulling the ties closed and throwing the bag over her shoulder, while an odious smell emanated from the protesting aliens inside.

  Carrie marched from the engine room into the corridor, where she bumped into and rebounded from Audrey. Ignoring Dave, Carrie accompanied the green blob trainee as she rolled to return her captured children to confinement.

  Audrey related how she had saved one of them from a nasty death by checking inside an oven as the chef was about to turn it on. “Have you heard the rumour?” she continued.

  “I haven’t heard anything,” replied Carrie. “I’ve been stuck in the engine room taking gibes from my best friend.” She threw a derisive glance over her shoulder.

  “Oh...er...”

  “Never mind. What’s the news? Do you know what the emergency is?”

  “Yes,” exclaimed Audrey. “Everyone’s saying they detected a transgalactic gateway opening on the other side of the planet. This planet. And they think it’s the placktoids.”

  Chapter Nineteen – The Final Straw

  “As you are aware, we are in a state of emergency. I will explain the nature of that emergency and our intended actions going forward.” Errruorerrrrrhch addressed the trainees, who had been gathered in the canteen.

  “I believe you may already know that placktoids have appeared on this planet, approximately four hundred and twenty-two clicks southeast from here. Yes, they came through a transgalactic gateway. Why they chose this planet to reappear is as yet unknown. There have been no other gateways detected, nor sightings of placktoids elsewhere in the galaxy. From the numbers currently present on the planet, we can surmise the majority of them remain hidden elsewhere.”

  Carrie rested her chin in her hand, wishing Errruorerrrrrhch would get to the point. What were they going to do?

  “According to long-range surveillance, the placktoids are on an ocean bed that is relatively close to the surface. They are constructing buildings, and a gigantic net of some kind, which floats above their settlement. We have as yet, to be frank, no idea what they are planning.”

  Carrie raised her hand.

  “We have informed the central Council and the Unity of the little intelligence we have. We currently await their response. Some of you may know already that, while troops and weapons up to a certain size can travel by gateway, starships cannot. They must use FTL propulsion, and so—”

  Carrie raised her hand higher, lifting slightly out of her seat.

  “—And so,” continued Errruorerrrrrhch, louder, “until Unity battleships arrive, for protection from the placktoids we have only the gunship that was supplied to subdue aggression among the marsoliie. The military capacity of the gunship is insufficient to justify a preemptive attack on the placktoids. Of course, we can assume they know we are here—”

  Carrie stood and waved.

  “Sit down,” Dave said.

  “I just want to ask a question,” Carrie hissed.

  “—yet they do not, for the moment, seem intent upon approaching.” Errruorerrrrrhch swivelled to face Carrie. “YES?” The whole room jumped.

  “Could you explain what we’re going to do?”

  “AS I was about to say, we are not going to DO anything for the moment.”

  Carrie slumped down in her seat.

  “The placktoids seem to be able to open a gateway wherever they choose across the entire galaxy. Therefore, there is no purpose in leaving. If we were to leave this very moment, they could open a gateway right where I am standing and there would be nothing we could do about it. At least while we are here, the Council has representatives on hand to keep watch on their activities while larger forces make their way to the location.

  “As to whether we will open a dialogue with the placktoids, that has yet to be decided. We await further instructions on the matter. In the meantime, we will not be returning you to your home planets. Gateway travel is once more prohibited to allow the Council to track unauthorised usage. Your training will continue as normal, with the exception that no long distance journeys will be allowed. If the marsoliie request mediation services, they must approach w
ithin one click of the ship.

  “That is all. You are dismissed.”

  Carrie’s eyes widened. “That’s it?” She turned to Dave. “We’re just going to sit here and do nothing?”

  “Sounds like it.”

  Pushing back her chair so that the legs screeched along the ground, Carrie stood up. “Unbelievable. What about the marsoliie and all the other creatures? Aren’t they going to do anything to protect them? This is just like what happened with the squashpumps. They just don’t care.”

  Dave also stood. “Honestly, Carrie.”

  “Honestly what?” She followed him as he left the canteen.

  He was two strides ahead of her. “Never mind.”

  “No, tell me.”

  Dave lengthened his stride, and Carrie had to increase her speed to keep up.

  “What’s the point?” asked Dave. “I’ll only get accused of insulting you.”

  “Oh, I get it. I’m being impulsive and reckless just because I happen to care what happens to innocent civilians? Because I think they should be protected from evil aliens like the placktoids? Nobody’s been as close to them as I have. Nobody else understands what the placktoids are like, what they’re capable of.”

  They had reached their cabin. As they entered and the door closed behind them, Dave turned to face Carrie, his face rigid. “Nobody understands them like you? Have you considered who you’re talking to? I was there too, remember?” He jabbed a finger at his chest. “I went through it all right beside you. I was nearly killed by the placktoid commander.” He bent down, picked a towel off the floor and went into the shower room.

  “Then you should know exactly what I’m talking about. We need to do something, and now.”

  Returning, Dave picked up Carrie’s pyjamas and other discarded clothes before putting them on her bed. “No, we don’t.”

  “Yes, we DO, before it’s too late.”

  Dave grabbed his hair in both hands and let go. “This is exactly what I’m talking about, Carrie. You think you have a monopoly on compassion? Errruorerrrrrhch explained very clearly why we have to wait. But you didn’t listen. You just want to run off and do something, anything. Whatever hare-brained plan comes into your head. You never think about the consequences of your actions.