Boying Up

by Mayim Bialik

  Positive Impact for Kids. When she was 12, Leanne Joyce was at a cardiology checkup for a heart condition, and she was touched by a gift she was given by two teenagers who were hospital volunteers. Their act of kindness made her commit to giving back, and she formed an organization that helps fulfill the wish lists of hospitalized children in North Carolina and beyond. Over $130,000 has been raised, and that money is used to change children’s lives in hospitals.

  Love in the Mirror. When Jonas Corona and his brother, Maximus, were 4 and 2 years old, they went with their mom to volunteer in Skid Row, a part of Los Angeles that is populated by a lot of homeless people. He saw many adults and especially children without proper clothing. At the age of 6, Jonas decided he wanted to help everyone have clothing that fit and felt good so that they would not feel like they didn’t fit in when they looked in the mirror. So he started his own organization to collect things like clothing, toiletries and even food to help the homeless. To date, over 45,000 people have received these basic necessities, and the organization has grown to include toy drives and the donation of school supplies for homeless children.

  Although these organizations don’t fix the entire problem of pediatric cancer or give basic necessities to the millions of homeless people all over the world who still need them, these are examples of small and significant projects that have a tremendous impact on people.

  You don’t have to solve the whole problem at hand in order to matter. You don’t have to fix the world; you just have to start with what you can do with your resources and build from there. Every time you touch a person with kindness, the world gets a little bit brighter. And you never know how your kindness will affect someone else. It might cause a ripple effect so that your gesture makes them want to do something about a problem, too—that’s often how this works.

  You get to do your part and see how good it makes you feel to support a cause you believe in and to watch the positive effects you can help bring about. If establishing an organization or raising money sounds like too much to start with, here are some examples of small actions that can have a big impact:

  Donate what you don’t need. Go through your closets and drawers and all of the closets and drawers in your house (with your parents’ permission!) and find things you are not using anymore or that don’t fit. You can donate used toys and clothes and really anything in fair condition to a local charity. Charities that run thrift stores sell items and use part of the profits to support the charity and the people who work there. There are also places to donate used clothing to homeless shelters in most major cities.

  Hold a clothing or food drive. Any time you have the opportunity to interact with a group of people, such as at school or in after-school activities or community or religious activities, you have the opportunity to get a larger group of people to become involved in a charity project. When I was 15, I started a canned-food drive at the TV studio where I was filming. I posted signs all over and walked around handing out flyers on my lunch break to anyone I could. My first year, I ended up raising an entire van full of canned goods for a homeless shelter. People loved the opportunity to contribute, and it felt especially good to be a part of something as a group. The more, the merrier!

  Collect spare change for a year. Do you ever find loose change on the ground? Or have you ever put on a pair of pants you haven’t worn in a while to find $1 or even $5 in the pocket that you had forgotten was there? I collect spare change and “found money” like that in a jar, and at the end of 12 months, I see how much is in there and donate it. Sometimes I pick a charity to send the money to, and sometimes I use that money to buy a sandwich and a drink for a homeless person sitting outside of a restaurant or store I’m going into. It’s a small thing to do, but it does make a difference in someone’s day, even in a small way.

  Pick up trash. Whenever I go to a park or to the beach, I see trash everywhere, and you probably do, too. The next time you see trash, don’t ignore it; pick it up and throw it out! Bring a plastic bag with you to the beach or the park or on a hike and collect trash. You can even use plastic bags as “gloves” if you come across messy or sticky candy-bar wrappers and stuff like that. If everyone picked up a handful of trash, we wouldn’t have so much trash lying around! It feels good to be a part of the solution and not the problem, and even though some places need a whole lot more cleanup than a few pieces of trash here and there, all you have to believe is that every little bit counts—because it does.

  Volunteering

  A terrific way to make a difference in others’ lives is to take your passion for something and volunteer your time and energy toward it in a meaningful way. When you make a choice to volunteer for a cause you believe in, you are setting aside time to participate in working with an organization or group of people who want to make change in practical ways. In my life, I have volunteered to pack goodie boxes for soldiers overseas during the holidays, and I have helped answer phones and do office duties for organizations who could not afford to pay people to do that work. My favorite volunteer position when I was a teenager was working in a senior citizens’ center.

  How did that come about? Well, if you have any elderly people in your family or close circle of family friends, you might already know that spending time with someone who has seen a lot more of life than you have is a terrific way to learn about the world and how fast it’s changing and will continue to change. I grew up with grandparents with very heavy accents who were immigrants from Eastern Europe. They left war-torn countries against all odds for the safety and security of America, working long hours in unsafe conditions to make money to support themselves and their families. They grew up in a world without computers or cell phones—can you imagine that?

  I think you can get so much from being around seniors. So I literally walked into the office of a senior citizens’ center in Hollywood when I was 17 and asked if I could volunteer there. The job I was given was to serve lunch to about 50 senior citizens every weekend.

  The time I spent getting to know the people at this center was incredibly valuable. I made friends there, and I learned about how everyone came to Hollywood: some grew up there, and many of the people I served lunch to came to this country from other places: Cuba, Armenia, the Philippines. It was a real experience getting to hear about their lives. Many of them did not have much family, and I was sometimes the only person who wanted to talk to them. It made me feel good to be of service to them, and I could tell from their smiles and hugs that it made them feel good, too. A lot of my new friends spoke very slowly, and it helped me practice being patient and kind even if I had somewhere to go and things to do. I learned skills for preparing and serving food, and I found a source of compassion for these kind people that has stayed with me my whole life.

  Volunteering gets you into the world of others and gives you the opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life today.

  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID . . .

  “Volunteering reminds me that I am part of something greater than myself. Connecting to something that is bigger than me is a reflection of my commitment to engage with the Divine—because that is bigger than me! Volunteering is also about giving back by expressing gratitude for what I’ve been given and what I’ve accomplished and worked for in my relationships and my life choices, including the gifts I receive from mentors and loved ones. Being of service allows me to be a conduit to what others are seeking, whether in a contract, a career, transforming a community by helping them obtain water rights or equal treatment for LGBTI individuals, or singing a song or prayer that connects them to something greater than themselves.”

  Wrapping Up

  There is a lot of pressure in our culture for men to be a lot of different things at once. Men are told to be strong—but not too strong; to be sensitive—but not too sensitive; to work hard—but not too hard; to play hard—but not too hard. It can be confusing to figure out
how exactly to be and what matters most.

  I certainly don’t have the answers for every boy and man, but here’s what I tell my sons: Boying Up doesn’t end when you become a legal adult; it’s a journey that stays with you for the rest of your life, because it’s about laying the foundation for a life of healthy and satisfying decisions. There are many ways you can make your life matter.

  For some boys, becoming a man will be about forming friendships with guys that will be the basis for a lot of interactions. Meeting girls or boys they’re attracted to and dating them may also be a big part of some boys’ journey. Sports may be a huge part of your Boying Up. For other boys, drawing and listening to music and learning how to play instruments will be part of the process. For still others, becoming a man may be a difficult time full of uncertainty and a lot of feeling like you don’t fit in with most guys. This might be because you like things many guys aren’t interested in or because you have special needs that make a lot of seemingly simple interactions complicated, or it could be that you’re just not into a lot of our culture’s expectations for boys and men. All of these pathways are legitimate, and they are all okay.

  Whether you become a stay-at-home dad or the president of the United States, there are ways you can make an impact on the people around you and the world around you. It starts by believing you matter and by seeing your journey as one of many steps linking together to form the pathway to the rest of your adventure as a young man.

  • AFTERTHOUGHTS •

  When I was given the green light to write Boying Up, I was thrilled and excited—for a few seconds. Then I completely panicked. How would I write this book!? While I am trained as a neuroscientist and spent 12 years of my life in school to get my degrees, my knowledge of the brain, nervous system and endocrine system seemed suddenly insufficient when I thought about the real-life nuts-and-bolts process by which boys become men.

  As the mother of two sons—one of whom is entering the tween phase—I was reminded again and again as I wrote this book that, despite my degrees, helping my boys navigate this journey isn’t an easy task. Our culture’s expectations of what that journey should look like has long been insufficient to encompass all of the kinds of journeys boys will go on as they Boy Up. Especially now, when our society is recognizing the power inherent in being a boy and urging boys to use that power for good—to speak out for what’s right and help to empower girls and young women—things can feel even more complicated. This Boying Up stuff is hard!

  Boying Up is a journey I can only observe from where I stand: as a scientist, as a mom and as a part of a culture that often gives conflicting directions about how to Boy Up. The challenges are myriad, and I don’t have all of the answers. What I hope you have seen in these pages is the kind of analysis I have chosen to participate in so that I can best support my boys as they enter manhood—and best support you, too, so that you grow into smart, thoughtful, bold, brave and brilliant men. I hope this book is a conversation starter for anyone who is a boy, was a boy or is helping love a boy into manhood.

  Thank you for coming along on this journey with me.

  • ACKNOWLEDGMENTS •

  I first and foremost thank my wonderful and endlessly optimistic editor, Jill Santopolo, for helping me bring my perspective to the community of Boying Up. Jill, Girling Up changed my life and touched so many people; you gave me the confidence to bring Boying Up to life despite my fears. Thank you for inspiring me to write on. Thank you to Talia Benamy in Jill’s office for bearing the brunt of the dirty work for Boying Up. Your voice and your dedication is so appreciated!

  Thank you again to my insightful book agent, Anthony Mattero (Foundry Media); to my incredibly hardworking manager and partner-in-crime, Tiffany Kuzon (Primary Wave); and to her fearless assistant, Brandon Bonilla. And thank you to Annett Wolf and Allie Jenkins at Wolf-Kasteler Publicity for being a new part of my life as we embark on this journey together, and to Heather Weiss Besignano at Icon Publicity for getting me here.

  Thank you to my mentor, friend, lawyer and one of the contributors to “That’s What He Said,” Shep Rosenman. Shep: you are the most giving person I have ever met. Thank you for letting me come to your house pretty much every weekend to learn how to be more like you.

  And to Fulton Management and Eric Fulton: thank you for fixing my life by giving me Elizabeth Ricin and Kenny Locsmandi. I am completely inappropriately smitten with them and I am pretty certain Elizabeth and I will run away from all of you someday to live in the South of France and do puzzles all day. So . . . sorry not sorry.

  Most of the behind-the-scenes mess of my life is handled by the exceptional brain of Caroline Hayes, who is as intelligent and creative as she is organized. I am so sorry if I break your brain some days, but you keep up with me so well and I am so grateful to have you as a creative partner and executive assistant.

  Thank you to our copy editor, Ana Deboo; to neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Aziz-Zadeh, gynecologist Dr. Jessica Brown, registered dietician Rachel Goodman and pediatrician Dr. Lisa Nowell, who reviewed the pieces of Girling Up that ended up in this book in different forms; and school psychologist Dr. Samantha Winokur, who reviewed both Girling Up and Boying Up. Thank you as well to Dr. Daniel Lowenstein, the pediatric neurologist who reviewed Boying Up from a medical perspective and as a grown-up boy.

  I have been so impressed with everyone at Penguin and I am particularly grateful to publisher Michael Green; Ellice Lee, who designed the book’s interior; and our book-jacket designers, Lindsey Andrews and Maria Fazio, who came up with such a playful and awesome cover. Thank you also to the marketing and PR teams at Penguin who helped Girling Up go far and who I know will do the same for Boying Up!

  Kenton Hoppas’s illustrations really make Boying Up feel authentic, and he took the time to show boys in all shapes, sizes and colors, which is so important. Thank you for your artistry, Kenton!

  As I crafted this book, my GrokUniverse and GrokNation team members helped me write and think and be better. To founding editor Esther Kustanowitz, and to Mia Taylor and Melissa Gruenfeld: thank you for building this world with me. And to Avital Norman-Nathman, Ramie Smith, Christina Kelly, Dalene Rovenstine and Natalie Koch: thank you for coming on board and joining the fun/chaos!

  Thank you to the cast, staff and crew of The Big Bang Theory, who put up with my constant state of distraction all of the time, but especially as I wrote Boying Up. I love my job because of you all.

  Thank you to my mother, who will probably never understand why God gave her such a boyish daughter. Ma: I can’t help it if Dad’s (z”l) X chromosome was basically made to clone him. You did good, though. And I throw “like a boy,” so I suppose I turned out all right.

  Thank you to my uncles, Loren Bialik, David Goldstein, Chaim Fischer and Elliot Goldstein, for modeling compassion, sensitivity and wisdom. You have been such wonderful men for me to learn from and love. And to my boy cousins who I grew up with, Seth and Jacob Goldstein: thank you for tolerating me pushing you around on the basketball court and in the yard. I didn’t really mean it. (And Rebekah and I did our fair share of choreographing gymnastics routines to entertain you, so it all worked out!)

  Thank you to the men I consider my brothers for helping me understand men and boys and myself in the process. Jacob Gisis (on the weekends and days ok my friend): you have been a rock for me and such a terrific playmate, and thank you to Vera for putting up with us singing, laughing and making a ruckus in her life for twenty years. And to Gabe “Uncle Gino” Chasnoff: the safety and playfulness we share is a great blessing. Thank you.

  To the mystically awesome Eric Kaplan and the impossibly perfect Matthue Roth: thank you for continuing to teach me all of the mysteries of life.

  Thank you to the “That’s What He Said” contributors: Daniel Inlender (most reliable human ever), Chad Jamian (bringer of daily joy) and Noey Jacobson (more than just a pretty face).

  Huge shout-out and u
nwanted emojis to Captain Ahab of Florida, the most deserving porcupine, knower of the mysteries of man, Lumberjeff Kerr McGivney, for countless appropriate distractions as I started this book (and a few inappropriate ones as well). Thank you, Jeff, for ongoing inspiration as a fellow writer, wandering spirit and philosopher of life.

  To Immanuel Shalev, who I cannot live without and never want to: your faith in me is everything. A groysn dank.

  The brave and exhausted (because of me) women who power the Mayim machine are Dr. Nancy Vanderheide and Shawn Crane, without whom I would not have the spiritual or psychological brainpower to do anything. I know I’m a lot of work; thank you for not giving up on me. Please don’t.

  Thank you to the Y chromosome magic of my boys, Michael Stone, for teaching me so much about the process of Boying Up through your stories, your journey, Jeff’s journey (z”l), and the journey you take every day at home with our two miracles. Those precious neshamas are so lucky you are their dada. And thank you to the XX and XY who raised you to be such a Renaissance man, Sherrie Stone and Robert Stone—I love how your boy and boyish genes are now part of our family legacy.

  And to Robert Anthony Mathes: thank you for helping me give birth to this book. You contributed to every chapter one way or another: with your edits, with your “That’s What He Said” contributions, with your shaving tips and with your heart. Thank you for being the man you are and for not letting the sweet boy inside you go away; I love you both.

  And last but certainly not least: to Miles and Frederick. You guys are so insanely awesome and I am so sorry for all of the times I embarrass you and kiss you in public or try to hold your hand when I forget you don’t want to anymore. I am sorry I work so much. I am sorry I am not your stay-at-home mom, but I also know that you are sensitive, expressive, creative, thoughtful, generous, funny little men because of everything we all do to care for you. You are my rogue and my monk, my FirstBorn and my Little Man; you are my greatest blessings and you are my harshest critics. You teach me every day how flawed I am and I love you for that. May you meet only the kind of people who support your journey, and may they see in you the light I see every time I look into your faces. I thank God for you every day and I thank you every day for bringing me closer to all that is Divine. I love you, boychiks.