Loving Desire

by Renee Young

  “You’re right. We should be a little more cautious. Not that I’d complain about being tied to you for the rest of my life.” He shrugged and turned away from me, heading towards the kitchen.

  “You’re such a flirt.” I muttered as the blush filled my cheeks. He looked back at me with a wink. I rolled my eyes in response.

  As we sat through dinner together and made conversation I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if this was the rest of our lives. Him coming home to me, unable to keep his hands off of me. Then we sit together and eat dinner while he tells me about his day. I couldn’t even pretend not to be intrigued by the thoughts.

  I only became more attached to the idea the more I learned about him. He opened up to me- showed me he wasn’t just a player. All about women.

  He told me about why he wanted to be a lawyer. He told me that most of his cases were pro bono. He was a family lawyer who fought to help women- or men- who were the victims of domestic violence get out. He fought to keep them safe. He told me about a woman who was so terrified to even be in the same room as her husband while they were trying to divorce. He’d set up a video chat and kept her in an undisclosed location. Her husband was enraged that she hadn’t been in the courtroom which just made Sawyer’s job easier.

  I kind of hated how good of a guy he was. We were supposed to just be sex. I wasn’t supposed to actually feel anything for this man. I knew it was only a matter of time before I was in love with him. I couldn’t explain it, I could just tell. Every time he’d look into my eyes, or touch my hand I could see it.

  He was going to be my downfall, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stop it. He seemed so genuine anytime he talked about a future with me, and I wanted to trust that that was what he wanted. I wanted to be the one to change his ways. I wanted to be the woman he would settle down for.

  “Can we talk seriously now?” His voice brought me out of my headspace. I nodded and looked at him, curious what he was going to say. “I want to take you out on a date, Liv. A real date.” He avoided all eye contact. “A date where I think about taking you to bed at the end of the evening, but I don’t because that’s not what the date would be about. I want to sit across from you at a nice restaurant and ask you menial things.” He finally looked up and I wasn’t sure what my face looked like.

  “Why?” Was my whispered response. I don’t know why I asked. I felt like a young girl again. I felt the old feelings of self doubt and insecurities begin to flood me. I’d already given him what guys usually want from me- what more could he want from me?

  “What do you mean why, Livvy?” He looked at me a little amused.

  “I don’t know.” I breathed a short laugh. “It was like a knee jerk reaction. I have a few conditions to this date.” I told him and his smirk grew as he gestured for me to continue. “First, we have to have chinese food. No fancy restaurants.” He nodded in agreement. “Then I want to do something fun after. We could go bowling, or dancing, or axe throwing. I don’t care. I just want to have fun.”

  “Okay, I can arrange that.” He smiled wide.

  “Lastly, if it’s a good date I will want to fuck. If it’s a really good date I might even do everything you ask like a good girl.” I watched his adam’s apple bob as he gulped.

  “I can definitely arrange that.” His deep voice sounded even deeper than usual. His breath wrapped around each word and I could almost feel that breath on my skin.

  “Okay then, when is our date?” I asked, leaning forward towards him.

  “How’s tomorrow sound?” He asked and I smirked. He was excited and I was too.

  Chapter 16

  This morning when I woke up, Sawyer had been gone, but there was a note in his place. He claimed he didn’t want to wake me as I was too cute while I was sleeping. The cheeseball. He said he needed to run out and get things read for our date later.

  I had some things I had to do before our date later too. The first thing on my list was running to the store. I ran out of my stupid foundation and I wasn’t about to go on a date without it so I had to run out. I had to show up at my old work, and hope it wasn’t awkward.

  I knew a lot of it was in my head. My coworkers wouldn’t hold it against me. Especially because I left while defending our manager.

  With a deep breath I opened my car door and stepped out. A few more deep breaths filled my lungs as I walked up the walkway towards the door to the store. Two more and I pushed through the door. The very familiar ding sounded and I almost cringed.

  “Welcome in!” A cheery male voice called. Fuck. I knew that voice. “Oh,” Mike stuttered when he noticed it was me.

  “Uh, Hi.” Hy heart was in my ass when seeing him. “What are you doing here?” I blurted, unmoving from my place by the door.

  “I’m taking over as manager for now. It’s good you’re here actually. I have your last paycheck. Come to the back with me and we can go get it together.” To be completely honest, I’d forgotten about my paycheck. Everything had been so hectic lately it just never crossed my mind.

  “Sure.” I reluctantly agreed, despite my better judgement. I followed Mike to the backroom and I didn’t fail to notice that the rest of the store was empty. I wasn’t surprised, we were never all the busy. Especially early, even on Saturdays.

  “I hope things aren’t awkward between us now.” He turned his head while he was walking to speak to me.

  “Oh uhm, I don’t think I’ll really be in much so-” I trailed off unsure how I was supposed to respond to his comment. He made a noncommittal noise, but didn’t say anything.

  We reached the backroom and I leaned against the open door while he unlocked the safe and got my check out. I watched him stand from his squatted position and then turn to me, waving the paper around with a mischievous smile. I felt myself cringing away from him as he took quick, calculated steps towards me. His grin grew when he took in my reaction.

  He stood directly in front of me, blocking my path and making me push myself further into the door. “You know,” He whispered while putting his unoccupied hand against the door above my head. His eyes traced all over my face before flitting down to my chest. “I kinda like a girl who fights back.” He finished with a smirk.

  Something about his comment made me freeze. I barely felt him slip the check into my hand, but I felt it when his grimy hands slid up my arm. Still in a daze, I only came back to reality when I felt his hand wrap around my throat. I realized it was too late, when he applied pressure. He used that hand to push me harder into the door.

  My hands went to try and detach his from me, check forgotten. His grin grew and I dug my nails into him. He didn’t even look like he was struggling, he was just enjoying himself. I was gasping for air, trying to fill my lungs when he pushed his body into mine. I could feel his erection poking my belly. “Yeah, baby. Fight back.” He growled into my ear before letting out a deep moan. He pressed his lips against me just beneath my ear before taking my earlobe between his teeth. I flinched the best I could away from him. “I love watching you squirm under me.” The hand he'd had pressed against the door was now moving to a new target. It wasn't long before I felt his palm spead out of my boob before he felt around for my nipple under the fabric.

  I knew I had tears streaming down my face. In a moment of clarity I attempted to bring my knee up to hit him in the one place I knew would stop his attack. He felt me twitch to move though and lifted his own knee, digging it into mine. “That wasn’t very nice, baby, now was it?” He asked rhetorically. He was digging his knee so hard into my leg that I would have grunted in pain, had he not been pressing on my larynx. “I know you want to scream. I can feel your fear right now. I like you-afraid.” Using the hand that was on my broob, he traced over my lips with hsis thumb. The edges of my vision were beginning to blur. I needed to breathe. I reached my hand out and began clawing at his face. “Ah! You bitch!” He shouted, finally releasing me just enough for him to land a hard punch to my cheekbone. I cried out in pain, but real
ized I was free.

  My flight instinct kicked in and I wasted no time before I booked it out of there. I left the check behind, gave up on getting what I needed and I just ran. I could hear him shouting about how this wasn’t over and I’d regret rejecting him. I almost knocked over a woman as I ran frantically to my car. I threw my door open and tossed myself into my seat. I slammed my keys into the ignition after my scattered brain managed to dig them out of my pocket. Without thinking, without wiping my eyes I started my car and reversed out of my spot. I was still gasping for breath when I pulled into Nova’s driveway.

  I sat in my seat trying to calm myself down, trying to settle before I barged into her house. I couldn’t though. I was shaking and I was caught in the flow of tears and emotions. I couldn’t go more than five seconds without having to wipe my face and my eyes so I could see. I just kept remembering him pressed up against me. The look in his eyes-showing that he’d go to whatever length he needed to get what he wanted. He was going to take whatever he could from me and I was basically powerless to stop it.

  I was frozen. I let that happen to me. I let him put his hands on me. I allowed him to make me weak like this. We were in public. We were in his store. He knew what he was doing. There was only one camera in that store and it was up at the register. He knew that.

  I felt a rush of air as my door flew open. My sobbing didn’t stop and I unintentionally felt myself flinch when a pair of hands grabbed at me. I let out a shriek in fear. I kept my head facing down at my lap. I didn’t want to look up and see the man who’d tortured me.

  I brought my hands back to the wheel as I continued to shake. I tried to take a few deep breaths- tried to push away the deep seated fear that Mike had somehow followed me.

  I knew someone was talking beside me. Two voices-but neither of them sounded clear to me. Not through the thoughts and memories rushing about in my mind. Not through the anxiety and terror coursing through my body. All I could hear was my erratic breathing and the sobs pushing out of my throat.

  “Livvy, baby I need you to calm down.” His voice finally broke through the mess. “We need you to calm down. You’re scaring us baby.”

  “No no.” I cried out. “Don’t call me that.” I insisted. That’s what he called me. “Don’t call me that.” I repeated and I turned to look at Sawyer. “Don’t call me that.” I whispered as I looked at him. I could barely see him through the tears.

  “Livvy-” He lifted his hand, reaching out to my face, but I flinched back despite knowing he’d never hurt me. He dropped his hand. “You’re bleeding.” I heard him whisper.

  “Livvy, what happened?” Nova spoke from behind Sawyer.

  “Who did this to you, Liv?” Sawyer asked me gently. He was squatted beside me and he kept dropping his gaze between my cheek and my neck.. Another sob escaped from me. “Come on, let’s get you inside.” He held out his hand giving me a chance to take it. With a deep breath I did. He helped me get out of the car.

  With my second step my knee buckled as pain shot through my leg. I let out a little shriek and I would have fallen if Sawyer didn’t wrap his arms around me to keep me upright.

  “What happened?” He asked. I could hear the concern in his voice. I dropped my hand down to clutch where the pain came from.

  Where Mike had dug his knee into my leg. I hadn’t felt it before. While I was running. I believe that’s what they call ‘shock’. I didn’t think it’d hurt as much as it did.

  “My leg.” I managed to groan out. Sawyer lifted me into his arms and turned right back around.

  “We’re gonna get you to the hospital, okay.” He informed me and I nodded. “Nov, can you drive?” He called out and I heard her agree. She opened the back door of my car and he set me on the seat before climbing in next to me.

  “Are you okay Liv?” My best friend asked as she backed out of her driveway. I breathed a broken breath and wiped away the remaining tears.

  “I think so.” I whispered through the tearless aftershocks of relentless sobbing. “I’m sorry I came to you. I didn’t want to go home.” I apologized.

  “You never have to apologize for coming to me.” She insisted. “Can you tell us what happened?” She asked in a gentle tone.

  “I uh-” The whole scenario flashed through my mind again and I started shaking again.

  “Here.” Sawyer offered me his hand again and I gladly took it. “We got you, Livvy.” He whispered scooting a little closer to me.

  “I needed shampoo. I just wanted to wash my damn hair for our date.” I muttered. “I needed shampoo and I use a specific one that you can only get from one place in town.”

  “Your old work.” Nova filled in and I nodded.

  “Yeah. Do you remember the man I was talking to when I quit?” I asked Sawyer who nodded thoughtfully. “He’s apparently taking over for my old manager so when I showed up he was there. He seemed nice enough I guess and he told me I needed to get my final paycheck.” I felt my eyes beginning to burn again as the tears began to well up again. “Fuck. He did it on purpose.” I muttered to myself. He could have easily brought the check up to me, where I was standing in view of not only the camera but the windows and glass door. “He told me to follow him to the back room. I shouldn’t have gone with him. I knew he was a perv, but I did it anyway. I followed him and-and he attacked me.” I whispered as the tears dripped.

  “What did he do to you Liv?” Nova urged me to continue. I let out a sob and Sawyer wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him.

  “Shh, we got you Liv. We got you.” He soothed.

  “He said he liked girls who fought back. He pinned me against the door and he choked me. He squeezed so hard for so long. I tried to get away but he wouldn’t let me go. He liked that I was fighting against him. It” I paused with another sob. “It turned him on and- and can I be done now please.” I looked up at Sawyer, begging him to let me stop.

  “Yeah. Yeah honey. You can be done; it’s okay.” He tightened his grip around me and pulled my head to his chest. He kept whispering soothing things in my ear but it did little to stop the memories.

  “I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t stop him.” I cried.

  “Did he-” Nova started but I shook my head.

  “That’s good Liv.” Sawyer said loud enough that Nova would understand he hadn’t been able to violate me like that. Not to that extent anyway.

  “We’re here. Let’s go make sure you’re okay.” Nova announced. Sawyer carried me through the hospital doors.

  Everything was a haze of questions, tests, imaging and looks full of pity. The nurse swabbed my fingernails trying to collect skin cells since I scratched him. She measured my bruises and took photos. They stitched up my cheek and cleaned up the blood.

  My knee was swollen so they did all kinds of tests and imaging. After about two hours of waiting they’d decided that my ACL was torn. They explained that since my knee was straight the force of his hit caused the tear. The shock, adrenalin, and fear running through my veins allowed for me to run which likely made it worse.

  I had to be referred to a physical therapist. We were hoping to avoid surgery, but if the injury didn’t heal with just the therapy then I’d have to go under. They fitted me for an entire leg brace.

  “Hey Livvy, the police are here to talk to you.” Nova’s gentle voice flitted through the room as she opened the door. Sawyer was beside me the entire time holding my hand. I nodded, telling her to let them in.

  I suffered through even more questions and I told them everything I remembered happening. I told them everything I knew about Mike and they wrote everything down. They asked if I had any witnesses or anything and I told them about the one and only camera in the damn store.

  When they were done Nova left the room with them to grab a coffee.It was just Sawyer and I left in the room and I didn’t know what to say.

  “How are you feeling?” He started the conversation.

  “Better with the pain meds.” I told him honestly. “I’m s
orry I ruined our date.” I whispered.

  “None of that.” He soothed. “None of this is your fault. We can go on a date whenever.” He insisted.

  “I didn’t realize dating me would come with so much baggage.” I tried to joke. “You don’t have to stay, you know? We barely know each other. I wouldn’t blame you for hightailing it right out of here.” I let out a chuckle and I avoided looking up at him.

  “Nothing you can say right now could convince me to leave you. I was serious when I told you I wanted to make things work with us. So the hard stuff happens early on.” He shrugged.

  “I hope this is the worst of it.” I laughed without much humor. “I should warn you right now, while I can blame it on the pain meds, that I’m almost certain I will fall in love with you if you stay. So if you do, please just please don’t break me. I think I would probably let you.” I looked away from him.

  “I don’t want to break you.” He assured me in a whisper. “I can’t even blame it on the pain meds, but I think I will fall in love with you too.”

  Chapter 17

  Neither Sawyer nor Nova wanted me to go home alone. I heard them arguing just outside the door about what they should do with me. Nova insisted that since she was my best friend I should go home with her, while Sawyer wanted me to go home with him.

  He’d told her that he’d be better equipped to help me get around. Nova pointed out that she also had Jamie who could help if needed. In the end though, they’d agreed to have me go home with Sawyer. He’d explained that he had multiple guest rooms while she only had the one and the bed wasn’t very comfortable.

  My best friend wasn’t all that happy about the situation, but she trusted the man who was quickly working his way into my life and my heart. I heard her crying out in the hallway while he attempted to comfort her. He’d tried to tell her that I was fine. He told her he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me again.