Loving Desire

by Renee Young

  I felt as though I was in a bit of a state. I couldn’t discern whether it was from residual shock or if it was because of the pain meds. I had a hard time focusing much. I felt--detached. I could see my hands-my fingers, but I couldn’t feel them. I knew in the logical part of my brain that I should be feeling pain all over, but I didn’t. I didn’t really feel anything.

  I was having a hard time understanding how people handled attacks much worse than the one I’d had. How they could manage to not flinch away from anyone trying to offer them a comforting hand or a warm embrace. I’d never felt so weak before in my life. I ran. I let him hurt me like that and then I ran.

  And I was hysterical. I was inconsolable. I didn’t cry that much or that hard when my parents died. I was unable to control anything I was doing.

  I was so terrified. I still feel the fear hiding beneath the empty feeling deep in my gut. It was unexplainable. It wasn’t his hands on me, or his worded threats that really got to me. It was the look in his ice. He was so icy- so determined. He was going to get what he wanted and apparently I was what he wanted. He didn’t even feel bad about the fear and the pain he was inflicting. He was thriving on it.

  I knew that when I had nightmares about the attack it would be his eyes that starred in them. I’d see those eyes and my pulse would race. Not in the way Sawyer makes it race, but in fear. I didn’t want to close my eyes.

  “Hey, Livvy.” Sawyer’s voice called out as the door opened. I just nodded. “We get to go home soon.” He kept his tone light in an attempt to try and cheer me up I believe. “Nova and I talked about it and we think it’d be best if you came home with me. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah.” I whispered as I finally looked at him. “Yeah, that’s okay.” He smiled, but it didn’t do much to mask the worry that flooded his features. “Yeah, that’s okay.” I repeated for no reason at all.

  “What would you like to eat tonight for dinner?” He asked, I think he was trying to keep my mind off of things. I just shrugged. I couldn’t find it in me to care about what we eat. “Do you still want Chinese?”

  “Sure.” Truthfully I just wanted to be cocooned up on his couch wrapped in about four different blankets with him beside me. “Can we go home now?” I asked him.

  “Soon, sweetheart. We just have to get the release papers from the doctor, okay?” He was speaking to me like I was a child.

  “Yeah, okay.” I turned in the bed a bit more to face him better. “Do you know what the police are gonna do?” I asked him. He walked closer to the bed before sitting in the chair beside me. He grabbed my hand and then pulled it to him and pressed a kiss to my knuckles.

  “They are going to take all of your tests and the skin beneath your nails and they are going to get all the evidence they can, then they’re going to arrest the fucker. If he pleads out then you won’t have to testify, but from what I’ve seen from guys like this, honey I don’t think he’ll take a plea. He will fight this the entire way and you’re likely going to have to testify. Are you going to be okay?” He kept it honest, and I appreciated that more than I could even describe. I nodded and sent him a small smile.

  I could see him worrying about me. I didn’t want him to, but it felt nice. I had Nova and I always would. I even have Jamie and Colt, but Sawyer felt different. “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to crawl back to Tabitha, or even ‘Babe #4’.” I spoke. “They aren’t damaged.” I whispered the last part.

  “Okay, first of all you’re not damaged, just a little hurt right now. Secondly ‘Babe#4’ is Tabitha.” He shrugged. I couldn’t stop the chuckle that fell from my lips or the full on laughter that followed. He smiled watching me laugh uncontrollably. “What?” He asked through his grin.

  “I” My laughter cut me off. “Am not even a little surprised.” I finally got out. “Can you explain that yet? Who are ‘Babe 1 through 3’?” I teased.

  “Full truth?” He asked and I nodded. “I don’t like Tabitha’s name.” He laughed. “Nothing wrong with it per se, just not for me you know? Anyway there are no other ‘babes’. She was put in my phone as ‘Babe #4’ because she was the fourth woman I fucked after my divorce.” He answered with a shrug. He avoided eye contact by focusing on my fingers in his hand.

  “Your divorce?” I asked. He’d never mentioned anything about being married. I thought back on all of the conversations we’d had and nothing sparked the feeling that he’d been married before. The conversation I’d had with Nick yesterday after Sawyer left suddenly filled my mind. “Can I ask what happened?” I wondered and he looked up at me with a sad smile.

  “How abo-” He was interrupted by a knock on the door. I kept my eyes trained on him while he spoke with the doctor about my discharge. He gave the instructions for my care and my pain med prescriptions. When the doctor left, we were set to leave.

  Sawyer helped me to hop around and pull my clothes on. Nova had brought me something from my car since they took what I was wearing before. They claimed there might have been evidence on them. I don’t know what they were hoping to find, but I wasn’t in a place to argue.

  “Let’s get you home now, sweetheart.” Sawyer grabbed my hand and squeezed it quickly before helping me into the wheelchair. “It’s been a long day.” His voice dropped into a whisper. I just nodded in agreement. He wheeled me through the hospital, and once we hit the waiting room Nova met up with us. “Hey, where were you?”

  “I was talking to Jamie. I wanted to fill him in on what was going on. He brought something to my attention and it’s really good that you’re taking her to your place.” Nova tried to whisper, but I heard her anyway. I thought about it and it didn’t take me long to figure out what they’d discussed.

  “He has my address.” I muttered and Sawyer stopped walking instantly. Of course he has my address. It’s all over my paperwork. He had access to that. In fact my address is always printed on the outside of my check. They’d send them in a bigger envelope to the whole store and they’re all individually addressed to each of us. “I can’t go home.”

  “Hey,” Sawyer’s deep voice took on a soothing tone. “If you need anything from home I can go with you, or Nov can grab it. Besides it’ll just be a little while. Just until they arrest him. You gave them a lot to go on so it shouldn’t be long, okay?” I just nodded while my head was swimming with thoughts and possibilities. If I was home and he showed up there was no hope that a customer could walk in. There was no worry that he’d go easy on me since he was at his place of work. If he found me alone in my home there would be no stopping him.

  The drive to Nova’s place I didn’t speak, Sawyer didn’t, and Nova stayed silent as well. He sat beside me while she drove again. It was nice being next to him. The way we were sitting Sawyer was up against the door and I was pressed up against him with my bad leg up on the seat. He kept his arms around me and continued to press sweet kisses to my shoulder, or my temple, or wherever he could reach.

  We pulled into Nova’s driveway again and they both got out of the car. My best friend came to the backseat to sit with me for a moment.

  “I’m proud of you, you know.” She’s said, taking my hand. “I know you don’t see it now, but you were brave today.” She insisted and I started shaking my head to disagree with her. “No you were. Liv, you fought him off and you got away. You are not to blame for what he did to you. You did nothing wrong. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.” She emphasized. She wiped a few tears from her cheeks and then from mine. “I love you Livvy and I am so happy that you came to me today. I know you weren’t coming to see him, he just happened to be here. I’m glad he was here to help you though. I think he might be really good for you.” She chuckled. “I think he might be really really good for you Liv.” She put a lot of emotion behind her words. Emotion that had me curious what she meant.

  “I love you Nov. Thank you for alway being here for me. You’re my family.” I whispered. She kissed my cheek and gave me a smile before sliding out of the car. She didn’t close the door as a larg
e body took her place.

  “How are you?” Jamie asked while wrapping me in a gentle hug.

  “Today sucked.” I told him bluntly and he chuckled with a nod.

  “I think that would be a very accurate statement. You know I’m here for you yeah?” I nodded and looked at him with a smile. “We love you Liv, and we will be here for whatever you need, got it?” He looked into my eyes emphasising his words.

  “I know. I love you guys too.” I told him. He kissed the top of my head before he said goodbye, and got out of the car.

  Sawyer slid into the driver’s seat while I scooted over to lean on the door a bit better. “Are you ready?” He looked at me through the rearview mirror. I nodded and did my best to smile.

  I felt like it was all hitting me again. I was attacked. He wrapped his hand around my throat and squeezed hard enough to pop blood vessels around my eyes. He dug his knee so hard into me that it tore my ACL. He looked at me as he watched me gasp for breath. His eyes stared into mine as I grasped at anything that could free me from his hold. He enjoyed it and he threatened to finish what he’d started.

  When Sawyer pulled into his driveway I was clawing at my chest, willing to fill my lungs with air while I couldn’t find the ability to inhale. Nothing was going in and I could feel his hand on me. I felt like he was right there squeezing, and holding me down.

  “Hey! Hey, Livvy honey, I’m right here.” Sawyer’s voice called soothingly from the door I wasn’t leaned on. “I need you to breathe for me please.” He urged and I tried. I tried so hard to take a breath, allow oxygen to fill me. He quickly pushed up the front seat so he could get in my too small car without hurting me. On his knees right beside me he blew in my face. A quick breath had me flinch which reset my whole system and I was able to take a breath. It was more of a gasp, but it placated the need for air. My gasp was followed by breath after breath, sob after sob. He was trying to soothe me, he was trying so hard, but I just kept seeing him.

  Sawyer somehow managed to pull me out of the car and carry me into his house. He was careful of my injuries, and he was gentle with me as he set me on his couch. I was basically on his lap with my leg stretched out and with a wipe of my tears he was finally able to calm me down a little.

  “What’s going through your head, Liv?”He asked me. His arms were around me again and my back was to his chest. He ran his hands up and down my arms soothingly.

  “His eyes.” I croaked out. My throat was sore from the crying. “I just keep seeing his eyes.” He slipped out from behind me and rested me back on the coach before squatting right next to me.

  “So, look into my eyes. See my eyes. Don’t think about him. Just look at me. I’ve got you, and I won’t let him hurt you again.” He insisted with his hands on either side of my face. “Just look at me.” So I did. I looked into his deep blue, penetrating eyes. They were safe, he was safe. His eyes settled me with a deep feeling of wholeness and serenity. He was hypnotising, and I felt okay. “I got you, Livvy. I got you.”

  “Yeah.” I whispered. We didn’t mean the same things. He meant he would protect me, while I meant that he had me. He had me completely.

  Chapter 18

  “Can we talk about it now?” I asked after the third movie’s credits began to roll. It had been playing on my mind since he’d mentioned it earlier in the hospital. He had been married. At one point in time a woman held this man in her heart and in her palms. And she let him go. It baffled me.

  She had this gorgeous, kind man all to herself and she let him slip away. This god of a man, with sex oozing from his every pore- and she let him go. Why? How?

  Sawyer let out a little sigh, probably hoping I’d forgotten. He shifted so he was no longer sitting with my back pressed against his chest. He moved to the other side of the couch so he could face me, being careful of my leg.

  “Her name was- or well I guess it’s still her name- Meghan. We got married when we were nineteen and we were married for about two years when she decided I wasn’t enough for her. I had been working really hard to finish up my degree and I wasn’t paying her enough attention. We were married for a total of five years when I found out about her- extracurricular activities. Three years she let me believe I was the center of her whole world, while she was the center of mine.” He shrugged. “We got divorced two years ago and I have been with six women since. Some of them more than once.” He told me. He looked a little embarrassed, but he shouldn’t have been.

  I didn’t feel any less confused by this woman. She had him and she thought she could find better somewhere else? Was she impossible to satisfy? He gave her his heart, and she didn’t think it was enough.

  “I think I’d like to hit your ex-wife.” I told him honestly. “How could she look at you-sleep with you and look somewhere else. Did you do that thing with your tongue?” I asked him with a teasing smile. He smiled back.

  “Honestly, I’d never had a woman as- responsive- to my tongue as you were.” He winked and I chuckled with a roll of my eyes. “It was hard, you know? I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that if I had given her more- more of me, my time, just more- then she’d love me.” He looked at me with sadness in his eyes. “Wanna know how I found out?” He chuckled, though it wasn’t humorous.

  “Only if you want to tell me.” I whispered.

  “I went to the store one day. I got all of her favorite snacks, she asked me to get her some chocolate and some goldfish. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to run errands after work, so I didn’t even question the snacks she’d asked for.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I didn’t think about it at all. Not until I found a pregnancy test in the trash. It was positive.”

  My jaw dropped. “I don’t-” I started, but I didn’t know how to finish that. I didn’t understand.

  “We hadn’t slept together in about six months at that point.” He’d answered the questions running through my mind. “I knew that it wasn’t my baby, because she would have been showing at that point, and it was a digital test. It said she was five weeks pregnant.”

  “Sawyer..” I trailed off and reached out to grab his hand. He shrugged.

  “It’s okay. I’m over it. I struggled for a really long time and I have had trust issues, but I’m better.” He smiled at me.

  “She’s an idiot.” I said bluntly. He laughed. “She’s also a bitch.”

  “I can’t argue with that. You know the worst part?” I gestured for him to tell me. “For like a whole minute, before the entire story registered for me I was excited. I wanted kids. I want kids, and for a bit there just after I saw the test I was deliriously happy.” He looked down at our hands for a moment. “Then everything came crashing down. She didn’t even try to hide the test and when I’d confronted her she acted like our marriage ending was just an inconvenience to her. She never cared.”

  “God I hate your ex-wife.”I muttered and he burst out in laughter. He laughed hard and long. He laughed so boystorously that I couldn’t help but join in.

  “You are so different from her, you know.” He informed me after we’d sobered a bit. “She was so... She never said anything to ruffle anyone’s feathers, not so directly anyway. She was so--god what’s the word? She was kind of prissy. She was snide though. She’d give these backhanded compliments, that sounded sweet and kind until you thought about what she’d said. Like, before I got my first tattoo she said she liked the idea because then she’d have something to look at.” He let out a laugh again. “I didn’t realize what she’d said; I was just excited to get my first tattoo.”

  “Yep, I hate her even more now. For real though, your tattoos are one of the last things I notice when I look at you. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but when compared to your eyes, or your face, or your body..” I trailed off. He knew what I was getting at. “Well, let me just say from what I’ve heard you’re definitely better off without her.”

  “I wasn’t though. Not for a long while. I started treating women horribly. I was broke
n. She broke me and I didn’t think I’d ever give another woman a chance. Not until you Livvy. You’re so different to anyone I’ve ever met. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something about you.”

  “Ah! Must be the crippling anxiety.” I made the self deprecating remark and instantly regretted it when he looked at me with a sad look on his face.

  “You don’t even see how amazing you are.” His voice was so soft, as he looked at me. His broad shoulders were squared, leaving himself open to me. He looked into my eyes, his deep blue ones set with such intensity I had the urge to look away, but I couldn’t. I was trapped. “Anyway, that was probably one of the hardest things I’d ever had to deal with.”

  “I can’t imagine it was very easy.” I sympathised and I took a deep breath. “Four years ago, my parents were killed in a car accident.” I whispered. He’d opened himself up to me, told me something about his past, so I wanted to let him in too.

  “Liv-” I held up my hand to cut off whatever he was planning to say.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over it. Not that that is something you get over, but you know what I mean.” The beautiful man slid off the couch and came closer to me. In a crouch beside me he took my hand in his and placed a kiss on the back of it. “I don’t like to talk about it.” I told him honestly.

  “That’s okay, you don’t have to.” He assured me. We moved again and he resumed his position behind me with his arms keeping me tight in an embrace.

  I hadn’t spent much time purposely thinking about my parents. Of course they’re always somewhere in my mind, but I knew that if I spent my time trying to remember every little thing about them I’d slip back into the depression I fought my way out of. I was so bad for that first year. I didn’t eat, I didn’t leave my house, I just slept. My eyes were closed for about twenty hours a day every day. Then I’d go through these manic spells where I just screamed. I screamed until no noise came out anymore.