Loving Desire

by Renee Young

  After what felt like an unreasonable amount of time Mike made it to the podium thing he’d been meant to stand at. Arraignments were quick. He didn’t need to sit. Sawyer explained the whole thing to me this morning before we left the house. Though he isn’t a criminal lawyer, he still had plenty of knowledge on how the day would go. It was helpful, knowing what to expect.

  “Mr. Gording you have been charged with one count assault in the first degree and one count sexual misconduct and forcible touching; what is your plea?” The judge called in a monotone voice.

  “Not guilty, your honour.” The voice that had haunted me every single night for the last two weeks responded and a chill ran through me. Sawyer felt it and let go of my hand before grabbing it with his other and then wrapping his arm around me.

  “I gotchu Livvy.” He whispered in my ear and I let out a breath with a tiny nod. I wanted to accept his comfort, so I did.

  “People on bail?” She’d asked and I turned my attention to the man that was trying the case.

  “Based on the violent nature of the crimes Mr. Gording committed, along with his threats to Miss Kent, we recommend remand your honour.” He’d responded. I'd involuntarily flinched when he’d said my name, earning a comforting squeeze from Sawyer.

  “That is ridiculous. My client has no priors. He works in the community and has family here in town. He has no reason to leave, as he wishes to clear this whole thing up. Not to mention your sexual misconduct charge is completely baseless, and we will be working to have that dropped as soon as possible. Mr. Gording is an upstanding citizen, and he should be released on his own recognizance.” The man who seemed to give as just as skeevy of a vibe as Mike, rebuted.

  “Your client assaulted and then threatened the victim. He is far from upstandi-”

  “Enough!” The judge cut off the prosecutor. “Mr. Gording, your bail will be set at $50,000, cash or bond.” With that she banged her gavel and called for a recess.

  I was frozen in my seat. I had been frozen since the word ‘victim’ fell from the lawyer’s mouth. Was that what I was? I was a victim? I hadn’t even had time to register that Mike was granted bail. I was so caught up on the term that should have slipped in one ear and out the other, but it resonated with me and I wasn’t sure why.

  “Okay, we are going to go to your place and get some more of your stuff so you can be more comfortable at mine okay?” Sawyer’s voice interrupted my thoughts and I just nodded numbly. I wasn’t about to argue.

  “He was granted bail.” I whispered my acceptance of the shitty situation.

  “I know, but you’ll be fine. I gotchu, remember?” I finally looked at him and noticed his eyes on me, worry filled the beautiful blues.

  “Yeah. Let’s get out of here please.” He grabbed my hand before kissing my knuckles and nodding. He helped me stand before grabbing the single crutch I’d downgraded to this morning.

  I was focused on keeping my balance, I didn’t even notice when Sawyer stood directly in front of me, stiff as a board. I didn’t look up until I heard the dark chuckle. My living, breathing nightmare was being led past us, and Sawyer was yet again shielding me.

  “She fight back for you too?” Mike directed the question to my Sawyer and without thinking I wrapped my free arm around his waist. I knew Sawyer would lunge for him. I could see it all play out.

  “Please, no.” I whispered as he seemed to calm instantly under my touch. It was a subtle nod, but I caught it as Sawyer grabbed my hand in his and weaved out fingers together.

  It was hard for him, I know. He had been battling his anger towards Mike since the attack, and now he was tormenting my powder keg of a man. If I hadn’t stopped him Sawyer would have pounded him to the ground and I had no doubt in my mind he wouldn’t have wanted to stop.

  “Thank you.” I whispered again. We waited for Mike to be out of the courtroom and then we waited a few more minutes in hopes we wouldn’t run into him again when we left. We made it to Sawyer’s car without having to face him again.

  “Are you okay?” Sawyer asked when we were about halfway to my place.

  “Honestly?” I questioned and with a deep breath he nodded. “I keep thinking about what Mr. Miles called me.”

  “What did he call you?” Sawyer glanced at me with confusion lacing his perfect features.

  “He called me a victim. It’s stupid, but I can’t get that word out of my head. I don’t want to be a victim.” I shrugged.

  “What do you want to be Liv?” He asked.

  “I just want to be Olivia. I don’t want this to define me, I guess. I don’t want this to be a page in the story I tell. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be called a victim or a survivor. Just me.” I tried to explain. “Does that make sense?”

  “Yeah, yeah Livvy. It does.” He sent me a smile which seemed a little relieved. I looked at him as he drove to my place to gather stuff so I could stay at his place. So I could be safe from the man who attacked me, since he was granted bail- and I laughed. I laughed so hard I could barely breathe.

  Sawyer looked at me confused, with a tiny smile- he probably thought I cracked. I thought I’d cracked. It took about five minutes for me to calm down.

  “What was that about?” He wondered when I could finally breathe enough to be able to answer.

  “I just met you Sawyer. You were just supposed to be a fuck friend.” I shrugged. “God, this is actually so embarrassing. How could my life fall apart like that? So bad that I thrusted all of my drama and everything into your arms. Who does that?!” I let out an indignant laugh. “How have you not kicked me out on my ass, just to not have to deal with it?”

  “I told you, Liv, I gotchu. Besides I think for the first time since Meghan this is so much more than just sex. For me it is, anyway.” He answered so easily. Like it wasn’t even a question or a thought in his mind.

  “For me too.” I whispered, looking out the window so he couldn’t see the vulnerability I felt in that moment. It was so much more than just sex.

  Chapter 23

  A day away from him. That’s what I needed. I needed room to breathe, to organize my thoughts without his eyes distracting me, or his scent soothing me. I wouldn’t be able to find the surface of the large ocean of my desire for him if I didn’t get a break.

  That’s why I jumped on the opportunity to spend the day with Nova. She scheduled her dress fitting for today, and while the activity had me a little wary I was still excited. I was stoked to spend the day away with the girls. Maybe I could get Nova alone and talk to her about where my head was at.

  She planned to be here to get me soon, so I spent my time waiting for her with Sawyer. While I wanted some time away from him, I wasn’t sure I’d make it through an entire day without at least a little time spent with him. He seemed reluctant when I’d told him my plans for the day. I could see him fighting with himself- he didn’t want me to go without him. I knew he wanted me safe, so I made sure to tell him I wouldn’t wander off on my own and I would call him even if I had a weird shiver that made me uncomfortable.

  “Okay,” He sighed with an adorable pout. “I suppose I could hang out with Jamie. I haven’t had guy time in a while.” He shrugged and I grinned.

  “Are you worried you’ll be lonely without me?” I teased and he smirked before pulling me closer to him on the couch.

  “Of course I am, love. What would I do without you?” He grinned as his eyes glanced from mine to my lips and he leaned a little closer. I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t either make a self deprecating remark that would surely upset him, or give him crap about finding another girl easily.

  “Oh you’d be lost, for sure.” I breathed with a grin of my own before closing the distance between us. My lips grazed his lightly as a tease before he let out a little growl and he folded his lips over mine. The kiss was urgent and needy as his tongue swiped over my bottom lip. I didn’t hesitate to let him in. I wanted him- bad. My hand fell to grip his shirt at his hip in an attempt to get us clos
er together. The noise that fell from my throat as he nipped at my lip couldn’t have been held back if I wanted. He groaned in response before carefully pulling me onto his lap.

  “I fucking need you, Livvy.” He breathed out as I rotated my hips against his hardness.

  “Then fucking take me.” I urged. That was all the confirmation he needed to slip his hands up my thighs and under the skirt I’d worn. I pretty much always wore skirts these days. Pants were too hard with my brace.

  The tension in hands told me he was fighting his urges to take me fast and hard. I didn’t want him to fight though. I needed him just as much as he needed me.

  “Hey!” With just a single word we were doused in a chilling disappointment. My best friend had no shame and no patience. I dropped my head to Sawyer’s shoulder and groaned out in annoyance. I’d never felt more like throttling my best friend than I did in that moment.

  “If she didn’t love you so much and if my cousin didn’t either I’d have no choice but to throw you out of my house on your little butt Nov.” Sawyer teased after he took a few calming breaths.

  “It’s not my fault!” She raised her hands in defence “You guys knew I was on my way. You should keep it in your pants” She shrugged and we all laughed.

  “We will finish this later, love. You go have a good day and call me if you need anything.” I nodded to my sweet Sawyer before he helped me off of his lap.

  I was no longer walking with crutches, though I still hobbled slowly with the large brace on my knee. It had been two weeks since the arraignment. Two weeks since Mike made bail, and two weeks since I’d decided to just be me.

  With a final kiss I made my way out of the house to Nova’s car with her holding my arm in an attempt to help me a little. She was telling me all about the dress she hoped to find. She wanted something light and airy for the outside wedding they were planning.

  I knew my best friend though. She’d want something bigger and more extravagant the moment she saw it. I let her go on though.

  “I think you will be the most beautiful bride there ever was in whatever you end up wearing.” I told her. It sounded cheesy even to my own ears, but it was true. Nova was gorgeous, and I had no doubt she’d fit the role of a bride perfectly.

  “Yeah yeah.” She teased with a blush and an eyeroll. “I want you in a maroon dress. I don’t know anything else other than that as far as bridesmaids go.” I nodded.

  “Hey Nov?” My voice sounded a little unsure. I needed to talk to her, but I didn;t want to take away from her day.

  “Hmm?” She hummed as she continued to watch the road as she drove to the bridal store.

  “Can I talk to you?” I wondered stupidly.

  “Of course, Liv. What’s wrong?” She sounded concerned.

  With a deep breath I glanced at her one more time while I tried to gather my thoughts. “I did something stupid.” I started and she looked at me in question. “I fell in love with him.” The confession, though it was said aloud for the first time it was barely audible, so I wasn’t surprised when she’d asked me to repeat myself. So I did at a louder volume. “I don’t know when it happened, or even if it was a thing that happened. A large part of me thinks I was always in love with him, like I was just waiting for him and then when I found him I could breathe. Like I had this- this thing brewing in my chest and I didn’t have any idea what to do with it, until he walked into my life. I can’t explain it and I’m probably not making any sense.” I muttered the last part.

  “You’re in love with Sawyer?” She asked for clarification.

  “That doesn’t feel like a strong enough statement to describe what I feel for him.” I confirmed.

  I glanced at her to see a large grin on her face, though she was trying to hide it. “Have you told him?”

  “No. It’s- I met him at this huge point in my life. Everything is changing and I just went through something so traumatic and I hate that I have dragged him into it, but Nova I don’t think I can stop it. I feel sick at the thought of him not being a part of my life. It’s not healthy; the way I crave to be near him at all hours of the day. Even when he’s right beside me- if we aren’t touching I crave him.”

  “I think there isn’t a bone in his body that isn’t in love with you too, Liv.” She shrugged as if it were obvious.

  “How could he possibly feel anything for the girl who has pulled him into this pool of drama and legal shit?” I scoffed.

  “Because that girl is you.” She said as she pulled into a parking space. She punctuated her statement with an assured grin. That was all she had to say on the subject.

  I sighed before opening the door and hauling myself out the best I could. I swayed a little on my feet and my head felt a little dizzy.

  “You okay?” Nova all but rushed to my side.

  “Yeah. I just stood up too quickly.” I shrugged her off and she helped me hobble as gracefully as possible into the bridal store where the other girls were waiting.

  Becky, Maya, Sierra and Tasha were all holding a glass of champagne as they pulled us in for hugs. They offered one to both Nova and I, which we accepted.

  The dress shopping commenced as we each picked out a dress or two for Nova to try on. We all found some that fit her qualifications, but I seeked out the dress I knew without a doubt she’d want, once she’d tried all the first ones on and she wasn’t happy.

  Eight dresses. That’s how many she tried on before she started to get frustrated and I decided to step in. “Okay, listen.” I started, grabbing her shoulders. “You don’t want a simple sheath dress. You have never wanted that. I picked out a dress you will love that is right up your alley, if you want to try it on. It’s not like these though so I hid it just in case.” I explained and she eagerly took me up on my latest choice.

  The fit and flare dress was tight along the bodice before it fanned out at her hips in a beautiful full skirt. It was strapless and ruched satin throughout the torso. The neckline was a modified sweetheart so it didn’t show too much cleavage, just enough.

  Nova walked out of the fitting room with tears in her eyes as she looked directly at me. “How do you know me so well?” She cried out with her arms wide for a hug. Maya helped me off the couch and I hobbled to her and embraced her as I whispered in her ear how beautiful she looked.

  That was all it took. Had I been more insistent in the beginning the day would have been much shorter. I might have been at home with Sawyer when I began to feel light headed. He may have been the one to catch me as I lost my balance instead of Maya and Becky.

  It happened so fast too. Nova was at the counter paying for her dress and arranging the alterations she’d need. I felt what I could only describe as a weight sinking in my chest. It was weird and it left me gasping for breath just a bit. I tried to look around but either I was moving too fast or everything around me was, I couldn’t tell. Everything seemed to be spinning and I couldn’t stop it, so I reached out a hand.

  I heard the gasps come from the girls as they scrambled to keep me on my feet. The whole thing felt so over dramatic, I would have laughed if I could. A rush of concern and questions assaulted my ears. I was lucky I never lost consciousness. If I had there was no way that Nova would have let me go on without calling Sawyer. I told them I must have locked my knees while standing or something. I assured them that I was fine and they had nothing to worry about.

  I was fine. They had nothing to worry about. I’d repeated to myself a few more times throughout the drive over to Nova’s house where we were all planning to meet up.

  “You’re gonna tell him right?” Nova asked as she pulled into her driveway.

  “There’s nothing to tell him. I just got a little dizzy. It happens to everyone sometimes.” I insisted. She looked a little hesitant, but she dropped it with a sigh. “Seriously. I love you for worrying, but there’s nothing to worry about. I feel perfectly fine.”

  “Fine.” She gave in and I smiled. This time as I stood out of the car I didn’t wobble, luckily
, because I knew her eyes were on me.

  Together we wobbled into the house and the girls all followed from their cars. The guys were already all in there along with pizza. Yum. I found Sawyer right away and his eyes found me before his lips spread into a wide grin. He rose to his full height and practically barreled toward me before lifting me into his arms. “I fucking missed you.” He whispered into my ear before kissing my cheek and setting me gently on the floor.

  “I missed you too, darling.” I winked with a smirk. It’d been too long since I teased him with that name.

  “You know,” He said in my ear yet again. “I don’t actually mind that name coming from your lips.” I blushed. I really fucking blushed and I was so mad at myself for it. Especially when he noticed and teasingly ran his finger over the pink splotch on my cheek.

  I scoffed and rolled my eyes at him, though I didn’t lose my smile. I heard him chuckle as he walked behind my hobbly self. I didn’t miss the girls’ eyes on me. Each of them held their own degree of worry. Of course they knew about the attack so I think they were worried there was some kind of lasting damage and I’d keel over any minute. It was silly.

  “Here,” Sawyer helped me sit comfortably on the couch. They’d all left a spot open for me since I was the gimp. It was nice and I wasn’t about to complain about the treatment. “And your pizza.” He handed me a plate I hadn’t seen before and I thanked him.

  “So how much longer do you have to be in the brace Liv?” Colt was the one to ask.

  “We aren’t sure yet. I’ve been doing physical therapy, and my doctor seems to think I’m doing a lot better. They’ll want to do another MRI before they let me walk around without it.” I shrugged. “Probably within the next few weeks though. At least I hope.” I answered before taking the first bite of the pizza.