Loving Desire

by Renee Young

  It was not good. Something tasted off and no one else seemed to notice, so I didn’t say anything. I just set my plate beside me on the ground and joined the conversation, hoping no one noticed, though I did see Nova look at me questioningly. I pretended not to see.

  “So Nova found her dress today!” I said excitedly to the group. It was always best to distract Nova when she was like this.

  “Actuall, Liv found my dress.” She argued and I just winked at her with a smile. The next five minutes consisted of Jamie trying to get any kind of information on the dress he could. Which was nothing. We were all tight lipped.

  “Did you have a good day, my love?” Sawyer’s deep voices sounded right next to me as his breath fanned across the skin of my neck. I gulped and nodded, suddenly I wanted nothing more than to go home and finish what we’d started that morning. “Not too much fun without me I hope.” The suggestion was heavy in his tone and I practically melted against him.

  “With you I definitely have the most fun.” I let the desire fill my voice, hoping he’d be just as affected as I was. It worked as his gaze clouded with lust.

  “Liv, are you gonna eat?” My best friend, yet again interrupted our moment. I knew what she was doing. She knew saying something in front of Sawyer would get him started.

  “I’m not hungry, actually.” I responded, attempting to not show her how annoyed I was with her.

  “Are you okay?” Sawyer asked, suddenly concerned. I couldn’t blame him. They’d gotten my favorite pizza and I’d taken one bite.

  “Yeah, just don’t really have an appetite.” I shrugged nonchalantly. There was nothing wrong. I just didn’t want to eat it.

  “Liv-” Nova’s voice sounded like a warning and I shot her a look telling her to keep quiet. Of course it was a look she ignored. “If you don’t tell him, I will.” She nodded her head to the man who had his arms around me.

  “Tell me what?” He asked.

  “Nothing. It was nothing. I’m fine.” I insisted, pointing my words at my best friend.

  “She almost passed out at the store today, and she was shaky getting out of the car this morning.” She tattled on me. I can’t bel- that’s a lie. Nova would do anything if she thought it was protecting me.

  “Olivia?” Sawyer used my full name, and I couldn’t decide if it turned me on or scared me. “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “Because it wasn’t anything. I’m fine. I feel fine. I was just dizzy. It happens sometimes.” I insisted. At this point all other conversations had stopped and everyone was listening in on ours. It annoyed me which was stupid.

  “Liv, the doctor said if yo-” I cut him off with an eye roll.

  “It’s been almost a month, this has nothing to do with the attack. It has nothing to do with anything, because it’s nothing.” I urged but his eyes shot to mine when I mentioned how long it’s been. He looked up to the ceiling for a moment deep in thought and I was about to ask him what was wrong when he looked back at me with a strange look in his eyes.

  Sawyer leaned even closer to me so he could whisper in my ear. “Is there anything you can think of that could be causing you to be dizzy and have no appetite?” He asked and I just looked at him confused. If he had some big answer why didn’t he just tell me? “Okay. New angle, Livvy, when was your last period?” He kept his voice low still. I did the mental math before an audible gasp left my throat.

  “Shit.”

  Chapter 24

  I could feel all the color drain from my face as the possibility settled in. We hadn’t been careful. We talked about this being a possibility. We discussed it and then dropped the idea all together. The stress of everything overshadowed everything. I wasn’t paying attention to my body.

  My hand fell to my stomach and I wasn’t sure if it was out of shock or if I was trying to feel if it were true. It made sense.

  Sawyer kept his arm around me as I was frozen in my place. I was aware of all the eyes on me and I’m sure they’ve all gathered what was going on based on my reaction.

  Was I pregnant? Were we going to have a baby? I mean, it’d be just about the cutest baby ever, no doubt. It wasn’t the plan, and it was a little stressful with Mike not being locked up and all, but the more the idea sunk in the more I didn’t hate it.

  Even if Sawyer decided he didn’t want me or the baby, I couldn’t find it in me to feel upset or anything by the possibility. A little boy with his deep blue eyes running around. A little girl who shared her daddy’s affinity for all things spicy. Images and ideas swirled through my mind. Of Sawyer holding a small child’s hand as they learned to walk. My Sawyer comforting our daughter after her first heartbreak, or advising our son to follow his heart while he’s deciding between football or baseball.

  I wanted it. Logically I knew it wouldn’t be easy. A lot of decisions would have to be made, but I wanted it. I wanted that little life to love unconditionally. I wanted the responsibilities.

  I always wanted kids, there was never any doubt in my mind about that. So what if the situation in which it happened was different than what I’d expected?

  “Liv?” Sawyer waved a hand in front of my face in an attempt to get my attention.

  “Hi.” I whispered. I don’t know why.

  “Hi.” He chuckled. “Are you okay?” He asked, searching my eyes for any sign that I’d start freaking out.

  “I’m okay. Are you okay?” I wondered. He smiled, though I could see a little nervousness.

  “Yeah. I guess we should find out, huh?” I nodded before glancing around the room to notice everyone gone. “You were very spaced. They all went to the kitchen to give us a little privacy, but I have no doubt that Nova is eavesdropping right now.” His voice raised at the accusation.

  “I resent that!” My best friend called out, proving his point. Our laughter was joined by everyone else.

  “Should we head home and maybe stop and get a test on the way?” Sawyer offered, to which I agreed. I wanted to know as soon as possible if I’d be having his baby.

  “Here, no need to stop.” Nova interrupted, shoving a box into my hands. I looked at her with a raised brow. “I’m not pregnant, but we’ve had a few scares,” She shrugged; “I always have some on hand.” We both thanked her before saying our quick goodbyes to our group of friends.

  Sawyer helped me get to the car before he opened the door and helped me to sit as well. A part of me was a little peeved by his babying, but I let it slide. No need to argue right now. Once he slid in the driver’s seat he started the car and we left to go home.

  We drove in silence. I’m sure he was just as in his mind as I was in mine. I was past the ‘what do we do’ stage and I was resting comfortably in the ‘how adorable will our baby be’ stage. I didn’t try reading Sawyer’s face. I didn’t want to know yet what he was thinking, on the off chance he’d changed his mind. I know he’d said he’d be there and that babies were never a mistake, but things can change. Hell, things change all the time.

  When we pulled into the driveway we just sat there for a moment. I was afraid to say anything, while he just looked thoughtful.

  “Should we talk about this first, or go find out?” He asked, finally turning to me.

  “Well, I have to pee so,” I trailed off to which he chuckled and hopped out of the car before rushing over to help me out as well. I half expected him to pick me up and carry me inside. Part of me didn’t hate the idea, but the larger more independent part would have been unhappy.

  I made Sawyer grab a cup for me as I hobbled to the closest bathroom. The box that Nova had given me had three different tests. I wanted to take them all so I figured I’d just do the dip method rather than the catch.

  “Do you want to wait out there?” I asked after he handed me the cup.

  “Up to you. Do you want me to wait out here or stay with you?” I pointed for him to wait outside, but I stopped him before he shut the door all the way. It felt like a good enough compromise.

  I was happy when I didn’t g
et any pee on myself as I filled the cup before standing up and opening each test and holding it in the liquid for the length designated on the instructions. When they were each dipped I dumped the cup and flushed the toilet before rinsing the glass.

  “You can come in now.” I called and not even a full second later his form overtook the smallish bathroom. “We just have to wait a few minutes.” I informed him before making myself comfortable on the edge of the tub.

  “Can I ask you something?” His deep voice asked and I nodded before ncasting my eyes up to his standing form. “Do you like the name Alexis? For a girl?” That was not what I’d expected.

  “It’s a pretty name, sure, but I knew a girl in school who was named Alexis and she was a bitch.” I answered honestly as the catty girl sashayed through my memory. “Can I ask you something?” I needed to know.

  “Anything.”

  “What are you thinking? I mean if those turn positive?”

  “I think that you will be an excellent mother. I think that while I’m a little afraid to be a father, just because it’s new, it would be nice. I would love to have a little girl with your breathtaking smile. A little boy who clings to you, obviously having chosen a favorite, despite his assurance that he loves us both the same. If those tests are positive-” He pointed to the three tests on the counter without taking his eyes off of me. I looked though. I didn’t mean to, but I did. “-then we have a baby. A beautiful, very loved baby.” I let out a breath and gave him a smile.

  “I think that was the best thing you could have said.” I told him while pointing to the tests. One had two dark lines, one had a plus sign, and the final said ‘pregnant’ in digital writing. He followed my gesture and examined them each for a moment before turning back to me with a huge grin and a slight water in his eyes. “We’re having a baby.” I whispered with a matching smile.

  “We’re having a baby.” He parroted with a surprised chuckle.

  Sawyer was happy. His jubilence was contagious as he carefully lifted me from my seated position on the edge of the tub and held me in his arms. The happiness spilled through me by way of tears running down my face.

  It felt like a miracle. A much needed miracle. After everything I’d been through- everything I’d put him through, this was what we needed. Our joy wasn’t dampened by the stigma that surrounds an accidental pregnancy. I didn’t care that we weren’t married. I didn’t care that we would face questions and judgements. We were having a baby and that would never be anything for me to be upset about.

  I was in love with Sawyer, and that was enough for me. Even if he never learned to love me I would always have this gift. Even if he shoved me out of his house and walked away from me I’d be okay. I got to love Sawyer Dane Mathews. That was- as far as I’m concerned- the most incredible thing ever.

  The next however many months would test us. It could either bring us closer or push us apart, but I was ready for it. Sawyer was quick in his work to infiltrate my life. He was one of my best friends now, and I didn’t see that ever changing.

  “We should go tell Nova and Jamie.” Sawyer suggested. I was well aware that they would all be sitting there waiting for some kind of news.

  “Here.” I pulled out my phone and sent Nova a photo of the three tests. “I don’t want to go anywhere.”

  “God, you’re smart.” He practically growled as he held me to his chest before turning and leaving the bathroom.

  “We are going to go to the room and I am going to finish what I started this morning.”

  “Yes please.” I moaned as his lips fell to the delicate skin of my neck, just below my jaw.

  It was different. The way Sawyer laid me down on the bed, the way he undressed me, all of it. He did so with so much care, so much attention. He held an intensity in his eyes I’d never seen before and I was quickly losing myself to it. The way he’d trailed his lips- his tongue over my body had me squirming, wishing he’d touch me where I needed it the most. He read me- read every minute change in the way I’d reacted to him- and he played to it.

  His hands were soft, yet firm as they fluttered over my breasts. His breath against my skin as he worked his way down, down, down had me aching. Aching for him. Then he confidently swiped his tongue across my sensitivity and I almost came as curses and moans forced their way out of my throat.

  “Enough!” I demanded. That wasn’t how I’d wanted to come. “I just want you.” I whispered and he understood what I was asking. He always understood.

  Before I could blink he was bare and hovering over me. “I just want you, too.” He said as he pushed past my barriers and filled me with his hardness. His confession felt so strong. Like he wasn’t speaking sexually. I brushed the thought away as he continued to whisper his sweet words to me as he pushed in and out. I was beyond words at this point. The unmistakable pressure was building and I was screaming out for my release, which he gave me with no hesitation.

  It was different. The way I came. It was intense, and not just in pleasure, but feeling as well. Something had changed this time. We weren’t just fucking. It was more. More, and it was better. I’d never thought it was possible. The first few times Sawyer and I had fucked it was amazing- best orgasms I’d ever had, but this was more.

  “I want you to come for me again Livvy. I need you to do that. Can you do that for me?” Sawyer urged as he continued his rhythmic pace. I’d been building again already, so I knew it was only a matter of time. Time seemed irrelevant though, as he reached a hand between us and circled his fingers on my clit. Four. That’s how many strokes it took for me to lose it again, coming all over him. He’d let out a groan as he praised me.

  “Your turn.” I insisted. I needed him to find his peak and fall over. I needed to see that look of pure, unadulterated pleasure pass through his eyes. I needed to be the reason behind that look. He grunted before speeding up his pace just a little. It happened fast, and without much warning. With a strained grunt his hips jerked and I felt the throbbing of his cock as he emptied himself inside me.

  The aftershocks of his orgams fueled the clenching of my pussy around him, before he reluctantly pulled out and flopped beside me. With labored breath, he pulled me to rest on his chest. Cleanup would have to wait.

  “God, I missed that.” I announced and he chuckled in agreement.

  Laying there, listening to his heartbeat and imaging our future was euphoric, and calming all at the same time. It wasn’t until I felt his breath steady out that I started to drift off. Dreams of our baby and the happiness we’d felt filled that darkness.

  Chapter 25

  We had to wait. I hated waiting. I wanted to get in and learn everything I could about our baby. I wanted to make sure I was doing everything I could to make sure the pregnancy stayed viable and we had a healthy baby. But we had to wait.

  Our first appointment was just to confirm the pregnancy. Then we had to schedule our first ultrasound when I was twelve weeks along. So we had to wait. It was torture too. I’d downloaded apps and I did research online. Sawyer was almost as obsessive as I was, but on him it was beautiful.

  Everyday he’d wake up and ask me how I was feeling, if there was anything new I was experiencing. I was lucky enough to not really have any morning sickness, however I had heartburn like a bitch and that sucked. It would be worth it though. I’d gladly suffer through months of heartburn for our baby, if it meant they were safe.

  Today was the day. I was officially twelve weeks along and we would get to see our baby. I longed to hear the heartbeat and make it all feel real. We were originally supposed to get an ultrasound at eight weeks, but the doctor suggested we wait until twelve. Why I agreed to that I would never understand, but we did.

  I woke early this morning. Well before the alarm we’d set, and it wasn’t due to a nightmare this time. I was vibrating with excitement, and I just couldn’t sleep anymore. I’d laid there in Sawyer’s arms just looking at him. I was trying to picture what a meshing of our features would look like. I hoped our
baby had his eyes. His smile, his perfect jawline. I’d love to look at our child and always see him.

  He insisted we were having a little girl and she would look just like me. I think I’d like to have a girl- or a boy. I actually didn’t have the slightest bit of concern over the gender of the baby. As long as they’re healthy, that’s all I cared about.

  When my boy opened his eyes he graced me with that heartstopping smile I adored. I smiled back at him. “We get to see our baby today.” He whispered. I could hear just as much excitement in his voice that I held in my chest.

  “Yeah.” I pulled him in for a kiss, ignoring the fact that neither of us had brushed our teeth yet. I started caring a lot less about things like that. I don’t know when it happened I didn’t even realize it was, but I was feeling better lately.

  The thought of disappointing people didn’t send me into a panic. I wasn’t worried about everyone’s expectations of me. I was doing what I’d wanted. I was just being me. I felt better.

  It was him. Sawyer, he’d helped me. Everyday he was in my ear reminding me who I was. He was there every time I began to slip back into my self deprecating ways. It was him and I would love him forever for doing that for me.

  He was helping me to be the woman I’d always wanted to be. Confident in every aspect of my life. Sure, and calm in situations that would usually have my heart racing with anxiety. I was beginning to feel like the woman I was before I’d lost my parents, before my life changed.

  I still felt unimaginable sadness when I thought of them, but I didn’t feel like I was going to drown in that sadness. You read these stories about love and romance, and you can’t help but think there’s no way someone could love another person like that, but you can. I was skeptical and I tried to dig my heels in, but it was pointless. If it’s meant to happen then it’s going to happen whether you fight it or not.

  We never defined anything. As far as I was concerned, Sawyer was the love of my life, but he was just my best friend. Well, that and the father of my baby. We’d never had a discussion of what we wanted from each other. Not since I’d told him that if he wanted to sleep with me he couldn’t sleep with anyone else.