Loving Desire

by Renee Young

  As far as I knew he held his end of that deal very well. Either that or he was a sneaky little fuck.

  “Miss Kent?” My name was called by the nurse and I stood the best I could from my seat. I’d been upgraded to a smaller brace, but it was still pretty restrictive. I was able to walk around on my own confidently now though, so I was grateful. The pain was almost completely gone at this point and I should be brace free come my next appointment.

  Ten weeks. That’s how long it’s been since the attack. The whole thing confused me when we talked about due dates at my first appointment. They’d told me that the way it’s calculated is they add on about two weeks to what you think conception was. So we conceived about ten weeks ago- we think- but they considered me to be twelve weeks along. I chose to not think about it too much, it gave me a headache.

  Sawyer held my hand as we walked and he stood beside me as they took my weight. I had gained about three pounds. Then he held my hand again as we went to the room where we would see our baby for the first time.

  We answered the questions the nurse asked to the best of our ability before she left and had us weight for the tech.

  “Are you excited?” He asked in a voice that told he was.

  “Yeah. I’m buzzing.” I giggled. “How mad do you think Nova is that we told her she couldn’t come?” I wondered. When we sent her the photos she called me almost directly after. Of course we were ‘busy’ so I didn’t answer. That prompted her to gather everyone and drive over to us. We had just finished redressing when we heard them all downstairs. I gave Sawyer crap for not locking the door. She then proceeded to scream for about five minutes. Needless to say she was almost as excited as Sawyer and I.

  “I’m willing to bet she’ll call you as soon as she suspects we’re done.” He chuckled and I nodded in agreement.

  Our conversation ended there because the technician came in and made me lay back on the table. I pulled my shirt up just under my bra, which showed off the tiniest little baby bump. Then she put this very cold gel on my tummy before taking the wand and starting her search.

  It was euphoric. Hearing the sound of our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I wasn’t sure who began crying first, whether it was me or Sawyer. Our baby had a very strong heartbeat. It was quick, almost like a flutter and it was perfect. I would have been happy just listening to that sound for the rest of my life. Then she turned the monitor to us and for some reason I was actually surprised to see what resembled an actual baby.

  I guess it was weird to me, that while we could barely see that I was pregnant on the outside, there was this little baby in there that looked like a baby. I knew the features and everything hadn’t formed yet, but it was mind blowing. That was our baby. Our beautiful little baby.

  “That’s our baby.” I’d said. I don’t know who I was telling, we all knew. I just had to say it aloud. I couldn’t explain everything I’d been feeling. From hearing the most beautiful sound in the world, to see the most beautiful image in the world- everything felt right.

  “Yeah.” Sawyer breathed. He seemed as enamoured as I was. I’m sure the tech thought we were overdramatic or annoying. She must see this thing all the time.

  What they say is true though. A baby is a miracle. Our miracle. The tech printed out some photos and we were told everything looked perfect. We just had to make an appointment at twenty weeks for another ultrasound. We also had some other tests we had to do, and I already couldn’t wait.

  “Can you bel-” Sawyer was cut off by the ringing of his phone. With a groan he pulled it out as he opened my door for me. “It’s Jamie.” He informed me with an eye roll before answering. “Hello?” I sat in my seat and he shut the door as he walked around to his side. “It’s for you.” He chuckled, handing me the phone as he sat down.

  “Hello?” I answered the call.

  “How was it? Is everything good? Do you have pictures?” My best friend shouted through the phone.

  “Why didn’t you call my phone?” I asked, ignoring her inquiries.

  “I did, but you obviously hate me since you weren’t answering. Whatever though, just tell me.” She whined and I laughed before telling her how everything went.

  “And yes, I did get an extra copy of the ultrasound photo for you.” I finished.

  “Oh good, I don’t have to steal yours. I’ll be over later to get it.: She said before abruptly hanging up. I laughed at how very ‘Nova’ that was.

  “How you feelin’ mama?” Sawyer asked when I let out a sigh.

  “I’m really good. Maybe too good, a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I let out a laugh as I felt my phone vibrate on my lap.

  “I think we’re good, love. We have been through too much already. This is like our reward for making it. Is that silly?” He laughed and I joined him. I agreed with him though.

  “I feel like curling up with you and just watching a movie tonight, can we do that?” I asked.

  “I think that is the best plan you’ve ever had.” He smiled and reached over, linking our hands together.

  We did everything backwards it seemed. We basically kissed before we’d ever seen each other. I’d let him into a part of my life Nova barely even knew about before we really knew each other. We fucked before we were together, and I fell in love with him before we even had our first date. Sawyer became the person who meant the world to me so quickly, but for some reason I wasn’t worried that it would fizzle out.

  Maybe it was the look in his eyes when he watched me do anything, or maybe it was the gentleness in his touch when he was caring for me. It could have been the way his heart broke for me on one of the worst days of my life. Whatever it was, I felt that only good would come from my being with Sawyer.

  I needed good. I needed happiness and simplicity. I wouldn’t say what we had was simple, in fact it felt very complex. The way thoughts of him completely took over my mind. The way my body craved him just as much as my heart did.

  It wasn’t until we were both comfortable on the couch with some nameless action movie playing and a bowl of popcorn was sitting on my lap that I looked at my phone. It wasn’t until I was completely relaxed and content that everything seemed to come crashing down.

  I froze, again. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think about anything other than the messages that had been sitting on my phone for almost thirty minutes.

  I barely felt the phone being pulled from my hand and my shoulders being jostled. I barely heard Sawyer as he tried to assure me that I was safe. I barely understood that I wasn’t there. I wasn’t being held against the door of my old workplace. I didn’t have a hand crushing my windpipe- blocking every breath from entering my throat.

  What I did feel though, was fear. The other shoe had dropped. It dropped and it was a fucking steal toed workboot.

  Sitting on my phone that was now across the room were four messages. The first one was a photo of me and Sawyer, but he had been scratched out. The second was my ultrasound photo from today. The third was a photo of Mike, and the final message was a text.

  Our child would be much cuter, don’t you think, baby?

  I warned you that I would finish what I’d started. I will

  Find you wherever you go, now I just have one more obstacle.

  Chapter 26

  I hated it. I didn’t want to be this girl anymore. This girl who let things affect her so completely. Mike didn’t deserve to have this amount of control over me, of my life. I’d already changed so much because of him and I couldn’t stand that he was back. He was tormenting me and I was letting him.

  How could I stop it? How could I force myself to breathe through the absolute panic that was taking over every inch of my body? I wanted to be strong, to be unbothered by him.

  I could feel the murderous vibe Sawyer was giving off and I couldn’t blame him. Mike had taken it too far in his threat against our baby. He was playing a very dangerous game, one I was actually a little afraid he might win.

/>   I didn’t want to be afraid anymore though. I didn’t want to hole up in the house and pray he’d get bored, or arrested first. I was finally being me and I didn’t want to stop. I wasn’t going to.

  I needed a way to be okay. Usually that laid with Sawyer. He helped me to feel okay. I needed him to understand that I needed nothing to change because of this. If things began to change again I feared I would change again. I would go back to that girl. The one who hated herself. The one who didn’t find joy in very much. The girl who didn’t even want to look at herself.

  That’s what Mike had done to me. He’d taken the already damaged girl I was before, and he broke her even further. I didn’t tell Sawyer this, but those first two weeks after the attack I’d felt more useless and weak than I ever had in my life. I’d hidden it. I didn’t want to have to hide anything again.

  “Are you okay?” Sawyer’s voice finally pulled me from my thoughts.

  “Yeah. I’m not gonna let him scare me anymore.” I told him, sounding a lot more confident than I felt.

  “Good.” He whispered before pulling me into his arms. “I’m gonna talk to Nick and see if he’d be okay with you working from home until the trial.” He said and I pulled away.

  “I don’t want that.” I insisted. “I don’t want to change anything because of him. I won’t let him change my life again.” I all but snapped at him.

  “Olivia, he threatened our child.” He said it slowly. I know that. Rationally I knew he was making sense.

  “I know that, Sawyer.” I groaned out. “Do you think I’m stupid? Come on though, what’s he gonna do out in public?” I argued.

  “The first time he attacked you was out in public, Olivia.” My name sounded different coming out of his mouth. Perhaps it was because he rarely ever used my full name, or maybe it was the anger that laced his tone as he tried to get his point across. “You should stay here where I can protect you. Where I can protect you both.” It was sweet and all it did was piss me off. I scoffed.

  “Are you saying I can’t protect our baby? You think that if you’re not around I’m suddenly this defenseless little girl who will let something happen to our baby?!” I shouted my accusation at him as I walked two steps away from him. His large figure didn’t feel so warm in that moment. He stiffened visibly when I was no longer in his reach. The rational part of my brain knew he wasn’t saying that. “You think I wouldn’t fight and stop him if he were trying to harm our baby?” I wasn’t using the rational part of my brain.

  “Well, you didn’t exactly stop it last time.” I had nothing to say. Nothing, because he’d done the one thing he promised he wouldn’t. He just blamed me for the attack. Something in that moment changed in me. The anger turned to disbelief which turned to hurt, and then back to anger. He knew it too. The moment the words fell from his mouth he looked at me in surprise and reached his hand out toward me. “Liv-”

  “No.” I backed away. “Fuck this.” I uttered with a humorless chuckle before grabbing my phone from the couch and storming out. I pulled my keys from the bowl beside the door and I heard him calling my name but I ran. I ran as fast as my stupid knee would let me.

  The only reason I made it so far without him reaching me was because we had dressed down in our pajamas before sitting in front of the TV so while I was wearing fuzzy pants and a thick sweater like top, Sawyer was just in his boxers.

  I made it to my car and I peeled out of the driveway just in time to see him rush out of the door pulling a pair of pants on and a coat in his hand. I saw him shout after me, but I kept driving.

  I didn’t let the tears fall. I wouldn’t let him make me cry. Not after his comment. I had to get out of there. I didn’t want to go see Nova. She would just convince me to go back to him. She’d tell me he was right and that I overreacted, but I didn’t want that.

  In that moment I needed the one thing I couldn’t get anymore. I needed a hug from my mom, or a kiss on my forehead from my dad. I needed them and they weren’t there.

  So I drove. I found myself at the cemetery and after a short trek I was seated in front of their gravestones. I wept as I told them everything that had happened since I last visited them. It had been far too long since I sat there and just told them about my life.

  I shared with them the news about the baby with even more tears as I thought about them missing this huge part of my life. They always wanted grandchildren. Mom would tell me about the blanket she had saved for my eldest child- one from when I was a baby. Dad would talk about me having a little boy he could take fishing someday. Of course I laughed every time. I was a teenager. The thought of having kids wasn’t even on my radar.

  I missed them. I missed them with every fiber of my being. They wouldn’t get to meet Sawyer. They wouldn’t be here to rave over my first book release. I knew mom would insist on having the first autographed copy. They were going to miss my wedding and they would miss this. This milestone of my life.

  The only thing I was grateful that they would miss was the trial where I would have to tell everyone how I froze. How I couldn’t force my muscles to work and save myself.

  My chest was covered in my tears and my words were complete nonsense. Not that anyone could hear me. My head hurt from the pressure of constant crying. Then I took a deep breath and I told my parents about Sawyer. About the man who saved me. He didn’t even know what he was doing for me, but that didn’t make it any less effective. I told them about the connection we shared-leaving out the explicit details of course. I told them about how he’d been the one to help me start on my journey to publish. I told them about how I’d had complete trust in him, despite his comment.

  I knew he didn’t mean it. He still shouldn’t have said it, but that happens sometimes. It’s easy to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I’d done it, everyone has. That didn’t make it hurt any less. The fact that the thought of me being that weak and helpless crossing his mind was hard to think about. I never wanted him to see me like that. I wanted to be this strong and confident woman for him.

  He’s thought it. Whether it was just a flash of a thought or an actual full blown thought he’d had for weeks now, he had thought it. A part of him blamed me for my attack. A part of him viewed me the way I had viewed myself and-

  “Livvy?” His voice called out. I hadn’t noticed that it was now dark out. I had been lost in my own world. Too lost to hear another car pull up. “Fuck! Livvy I have been looking for you everywhere!” He shouted. I didn;t respond. I just sat there staring at the stone in front of me that was carved with their names. “Liv, please.” It was a desperate plea. One filled with pain.

  “Why are you here?” I asked. My voice cracked grossly from all the crying I’d done.

  “What? Why wouldn’t I be here? Let’s get you home yeah?” He sounded sweet, but I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want him to save me this time.

  “No thank you.” At least I was polite.

  “Come on, Liv. I need you with me. I need you to come home with me please.”

  “You don’t need me. Why would you need someone like me? You should just go back to Tabitha or something. She isn’t weak.” Where that came from, I had no idea.

  “What the hell are you talking about. I don’t want Tabitha or anyone else.” He sat beside me on the grass. I didn’t move my eyes to him. It’d be too hard. “Please look at me.” He begged.

  “Why?” I asked, turning to him, finally. “Why did you come find me? Why are you here? Why, if that’s what you think of me, why bother?”

  “Why would I come find you?” He seemed appalled. “Why would I come find the woman who’s pregnant with my child? Why would I come find you after I said something I didn’t even mean that hurt you so much? Why would I come find the woman I love?”

  “What?” I breathed out my surprise as I felt the tingle of tears behind my eyes. “What did you say?”

  “I fucking love you Olivia. I love you with everything inside me. I wasn’t expecting it, but you came into my
life and you- god you changed everything. You changed the way I talk, you changed the way I breathe- the way my heart beats. Every thought that runs through my brain is of you. You are everything I never knew I needed, never knew I wanted.” He grabbed my hand that was resting on my thigh and pulled it to his chest. “This beat here, that is yours.” He moved my hand so my fingers lightly brushed his lips “This breath, is yours. Everything I am, everything I want to be is for you Oliva. I am unwavering in my love for you. That’s why I came to find you.” I watched as a single tear trailed down his cheek.

  “I-” I started but he cut me off.

  “I’m not done.” I nodded for him to continue. “I did not mean what I said. Never once have I thought that any part of what happened to you was your fault. I was desperate to make you see my side of things and I said something so incredibly stupid. Something that hurt you and for that I will never forgive myself. I am so deeply sorry, and I understand if you can’t forgive my stupidity.” He was sincere. In everything he said, he didn’t falter. Not in his confession of love, or his apology.

  “I am completely and absolutely in love with you too.” It was a breath. It was like breathing; loving Sawyer. It wasn’t something I had to think about doing. It was as subconscious as blinking or the beating of my heart. “I’m sorry I ran off. I was hurt.”

  “No. I know. I shouldn’t have said that. I just can’t think of you getting hurt again. You’re right though. You shouldn’t change your life because of him. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do.” He agreed and I smiled gently. “Can you forgive me?” I nodded without hesitation.

  “Can I kiss you now? It’s killing me that I haven’t yet.” He didn’t wait or give me any answer other than pressing his lips to mine. He was in love with me the way I was with him.