Loving Desire

by Renee Young

I was about to deepen the kiss when his phone started ringing. He groaned. “It’s probably Nova wanting to know if I found you yet.” He pulled it from his pocket and furrowed his brow at the Caller ID. “Hello?” He answered after putting the unknown number on speaker.

  “Sawyer?” A woman’s voice sounded. He stiffened and his eyes jumped from me to the phone.

  “How did you get my number?” He asked, his voice laced with anger.

  “I miss you baby. Please. I made a mistake.” She pleaded and I raised a brow.

  “You didn’t make a mistake Meghan, you cheated on me. Repeatedly.” Oh.

  “It was a mistake Sawyer. Come one, baby. Don’t you miss me, miss us?” She sounded a little desperate.

  “No Meghan. I really don’t” He chucked at the thought. She scoffed.

  “Yeah right Sawyer. Have you forgotten, I know you better than anyone else? I’m willing to bet you still think about me everyday. You haven’t let yourself move on, because you know we’re meant to be.” I almost laughed. I covered my mouth to stop it and I noticed Sawyer struggling as well.

  “As it so happens, Meghan, I have moved on. I am very happily in love with the woman who is giving me a child.” I blushed and he winked.

  “Come on Sawyer. It’s a little pathetic to lie like that, don’t ya think?” She was so sure of herself.

  “Love?” He whispered and I shrugged. What was I supposed to do? “Tell her.” He urged.

  “Uhm, hi Meghan I guess?” I said.

  “Who are you?” She asked with a bite in her tone.

  “My name is Olivia. I guess I’m the one your ex-husband is in love with. He’s right, we are having a baby.” She scoffed then she started yelling. Sawyer hung up after the first curse word she threw at me. Then he blocked the number.

  “That was fun.” He laughed and I joined him.

  “Is today over yet?” I asked as the exhaustion began to settle in.

  “Yeah, my love. Let’s go home.”

  Chapter 27

  I hate fighting with Sawyer. I hate it so much. Especially since he told me he loved me yesterday. I don’t know why I thought everything would be perfect just from the simple confession. It’s not like him loving me meant that Mike never existed. It didn’t mean we didn’t view things differently and it surely didn’t fix my raging hormones.

  It was the same damn fight too. He wanted me to stay inside, sheltered away from the world. He wanted me to change my routine, despite agreeing with me just the day before that we shouldn’t change our lives because of him.

  It wasn’t even fair. It’s not like I was planning on running around alone. I was going dress shopping with Nova. I had to go pick out my gown for her wedding. It had been planned pretty much since she asked me to be her maid of honour.

  This time, when I stormed away from the love of my life it was to Nova’s awaiting car. It was also after he told me to ‘stop being irrational and use my brain’. The words weren’t ‘you’re stupid’ but that’s how they felt to my overly emotional state. Of course, I let my raw anger and pain shout something stupid back at him.

  I didn’t look at him as “Maybe it was irrational of me to think I was a fucking adult who could make her own fucking decisions without you trying to control me!” fell from my mouth. The door slammed behind me and this time he didn’t chase me out. He was seething the last I saw of him.

  I know he’s protective. I know it comes from a place of love, but I wasn’t going to do anything to get myself or our baby hurt. I was going out with Nova. We were going to the dress shop. I wasn’t skydiving or hunting Mike down.

  This morning when we reported the threat to the cops they basically just told me to block the number. They had no plans of doing anything about it, which is probably where Sawyer’s anger was stemming from. So he'd snapped at me and I naturally reciprocated. I was prepared to fight with him all day if I had to, but I had plans, I had responsibilities. As a best friend and a maid of honor. I was far less hurt by his insults today, and far more enraged.

  I hadn't hesitated to throw myself out the front door and down the few steps. I hurled myself into Nova's passenger seat and told her to drive. She didn't ask me anything or stutter when she slammed her foot down. She heard the urgency in my voice and being the best friend that she has always been, she took me away. Away from the anger and the hurt. Away from the arguments and the tenseness. Away from the man- that just wanted to keep me and our baby safe.

  I let out a sigh when we reached the end of the road. I think Nova thought it was a relieved sigh, but really I was sort of hating myself in that moment. I jumped down his throat and I essentially accused him of being controlling. All he wanted was to ensure we were safe. I couldn't see it though. I just felt like I wasn't being allowed a choice or a chance to take care of me and baby.

  "Are you okay?" My best friend asked in a hesitant voice. She seemed worried I'd snap- or perhaps burst into tears.

  "We got into a fight." I sighed again before unleashing. I told Nova all about the threat from Mike. All about our argument yesterday. All about the argument we just had- and never completed. I finished up story time with a smile and a wistful gaze as I told her about his confession of love for me. I told her how passionate and intense his words were. How beautiful and sincere his eyes were as he held me close and urged me to understand.

  I could understand that urgency. As I'd said before; saying I was 'in love' with Sawyer didn't feel like enough. The two small words weren't strong enough to accurately describe the way he'd completely taken over my ever thought- every feeling. "I hate myself. How could I say such horrible things to him? He just wanted me to be safe and where he could ensure I was safe. What kind of person does it make me that I always assume the worst in people?" I whined.

  "Hey, none of that. You are the best person I know. You're allowed to be a little skeptical. You have been through more than even the worst of people deserve to go through. He will understand. He loves you as completely as you love him. He will forgive you just as you already forgive him." She insisted as we pulled into the parking lot of the dress store. The same dress store we'd bought her gown a few weeks ago.

  The difference between today and that day was that we'd be alone. Just Nova and myself. She insisted she wanted to pick out my dress separately than the others. We'd find my dress then she would use that as a jumping off stone to pick the dress all the other girls would wear.

  It still sort of baffles me that she chose me to be her maid of honor. I always thought she'd pick Maya. Her and her sister were very close. Always had been. They didn't have that sill sibling rivalry I always heard about. The rivalry I never got to experience. They were always kind to one another. Nova would sometimes complain that Maya was the pretty one, or Maya was the smart one, but there was never any resentment behind it. So I guess I always assumed that yes while I was her best friend, Maya was her sister. It felt like an obvious choice to me.

  That's not to say I was ungrateful by her choosing me. In fact, I may have cried over the whole thing. Okay I definitely cried. I always knew that Nov would be my maid of honor if I ever got married, but her asking me- fuck. I was gonna cry again just thinking about it.

  "What if I don't deserve him?" I wondered aloud.

  "Did we not just discuss this? If anything he needs to work to deserve you." She scoffed as we got out of her car.

  "You don't know what I know about him Nov. He's beautiful. He's a beautiful man. Not in his looks alone either. He is kind- deeply so. He is considerate and he is doting. He treats me as if I've never done anything wrong in my life. Like I'm this pure person. He takes care of me. He looks at me as if I hung the stars. He is a very deserving man. A man that may just be too good for me." The walk to the door of the store allowed me to breathe freely. "I'm stubborn, Nov. I'm stubborn and argumentative. He shouldn't have to deal with me jumping down his throat over every little comment he makes. God, I'm such a bitch."

  "Even if that were true, Liv, he loves yo
u. He wants you. Besides when did you two start fighting?" She asked and I didn't have to even think about the answer.

  "Yesterday was our first fight.'

  "Exactly. You were threatened. I'd be worried if you didn't fight. Both of you have these emotions[ this fear. I know you won't admit it, but that's what it is. Besides, you're pregnant. You're an emotional person as it is. Add to that the baby hormones, and of course you'll get a little snappy. Believe me; Sawyer does not hold any of this against you. He's probably beating himself up just the same."

  "I just- I love him so much." That was the last thing we said on the subject. We turned to happier thoughts as we searched through the store full of silk, and taffeta- chiffon and lace. I would be wearing a maroon dress, one that I begged Nova to not be covered in sequins. It's not that I didn't like sparkle, I mean there was definitely a time and a place for it, but I couldn't imagine a sequined dress was very comfortable. I imagine it'd be itchy and I would play with the tiny little embellishments all day, given the chance.

  Nova allowed me to pick out the dress I wanted, and so I counted. I needed to know how far along I'd be for the wedding. It was discovered that I would be about six months along for the wedding. Which meant I'd be showing. I needed something that either showed off my bell in an obvious way, or something that concealed it completely. I didn't want any questions. I'd asked Nova which she'd prefer, since it was her day after all. I knew I'd prefer to show it off, and Sawyer would want the same. We were both excited and proud. It wasn't something we'd wanted to hide.

  I should have known Nova would say the same. She told me to wear my baby loud and proud. It was such a her thing to say that it had me bursting with laughter in the middle of the small shop. So we'd decided on something more form fitting than loose. She wanted a long gown for her girls, so that's how I ended up in a strapless mermaid dress. The fabric was soft and hugged all of my curves, but not in a tight way. It stretched over me. It was comfortable and it made me feel sexy. It made me feel like I would still feel sexy with my bump in full view.

  Sawyer would love the dress I had no doubt. He would get that look in his eye. The one that had me wanting to drop every piece of fabric attached to my body. The look that had me submitting to his every wish. The look that had me clenching my thighs. It was my second favorite look he'd share with me. My first was when he looked at me with love. I wasn't able to label it as such until yesterday, but now that it has been named it all seemed so obvious.

  My intention was to pay for the dress myself, but Nova insisted she get it. She promised it was part of the budget. She was going to buy all of the dresses and they would cover the suit rentals for the guys. So I didn't put up too much of an argument. I wouldn't want to ruin her plans or take her kindness for granted.

  I couldn't wait for the final fitting so I would be able to see the dress stretched over the little miracle that Sawyer and I had created. I couldn't wait to see that look in his eyes as he promised to peel it off of me later that night. I couldn't wait.

  It had been so long since I'd been excited about a dress. It just felt like with everything that seemed to weigh on me I never had the time or even the mindset to care about such menial things.

  I wanted to care about that stuff. I wanted there to be so little going on in my life that I have the luxury to be excited about silly things like that. I wanted to find joy when I looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to feel happy when I picked out an outfit for a date.

  Things have been so hard lately. Things have been hard for the last few years, but even with everything regarding Mike happening- I felt like even breathing was a little easier now.

  So while Nova paid for my dress I smiled. I knew that when I got home I'd have a long conversation to look forward to, but I wasn't worried. II didn't see it ending in another fight. It would start off with my apology. I owed him that. I was out of line in my accusation and my irrational anger. So I would apologize and I think he would forgive me. He loved me and he loved our baby, I wasn't worried that this little fight would be and end all be all. In fact, I think this fight helped me to appreciate his protective ways even more.

  "How are you feeling?" Nova broke me from my thoughts of Sawyer.

  "I'm okay. I need to eat though. I'm getting a little dizzy." I chuckled.

  "You stay here, I'll go get the car." She offered and I was not about to turn that down. I didn't want to walk. I nodded and she started her journey away. I watched as she passed the few stores beside the dress shop. I kept my eyes on her until she turned around the corner of the block.

  It was stupid. I just wanted to make sure she was safe for as long as I could. It was stupid. I should have been watching my surroundings, not her. I should have felt the eyes on me. I should have heard the footsteps. I should have smelt him. I should have done a lot of things. It was too late though.

  By the time I smelled him, heard his footsteps- by the time I looked up and around myself I was no longer standing safely in front of the dress shop. No, I was pressed against the wall down the side of the store. My mouth was covered so even if I had screamed no one would have heard me. It happened so fast. It took my brain approximately forty-five seconds to realize what had happened. Not that I counted.

  When it did settle in with me, what was happening, the first thing I saw were his eyes. The eyes that terrorized me for weeks in my nightmares. The eyes that held a cold lust filled stare as he grinned at me with his malicious smile.

  I didn't want to freeze. Not this time. I needed to fight him off for my baby. I knew that. I felt that so deep in my fucking gut. I froze anyway. It was like I couldn't control my own body when he looked at me like that. Not in the way Sawyer makes me lose control. No my body locks up and shuts down all rational thought of escape out of fear.

  I was afraid of Mike. I was afraid of everything he was about. His face, his hands, his breath- god I was afraid of his hair. There wasn't anything particularly special about it, it was just attached to him so it incited fear within me.

  "I missed you baby." God I'd forgotten about his voice. I whimpered as the first tear fell. I tried. As soon as my body started listening to the commands my brain was sending I tried to fight back. I tried to get away from him. I squirmed and I pushed. He just grabbed my wrists and held my arms above me. He was a great deal stronger than I was, and he was running on adrenaline. The look in his eyes hadn't changed. It was still haunting. "I have been waiting for this day for weeks now, baby. Didn't you miss me?"

  I whimpered again. What did he expect? He was covering my mouth, so even if I had wanted to respond it's not like I really could. He smirked as he realized that. "Now, baby," He continued to use that damn endearment. "I'm gonna uncover your mouth, but I need you not to scream. Well not too loud. I quite like to hear your protests. I just don't want this to end too soon. So keep it at a reasonable volume. I came prepared this time." He told me and I felt the fear deepen. Prepared for what? "Ah there's the question. Did you know you have the most expressive eyes?" It was a rhetorical question. "I bet he tells you how much he loves those hazel eyes. I would tell you all the time, you know?" For a moment, his crazed look turned a touch sad, but it was gone the moment it arrived. "Now, when I uncover that beautiful mouth of yours, you're gonna keep your volume down." I wanted to roll my eyes. I had every intention of screaming when he let me go.

  "I see that defiance." He informed me. "You want to disobey me, go ahead. I will have no choice then." It happened so fast. His hand was no longer on my mouth, but before I could scream he was at my throat. The cool sensation on my skin where he'd pressed into me was far different than the sweaty warmth his hands held. It wasn't his hand he was holding to my throat. With a glimpse down and subsequent cry out of fear I'd realized it was a blade. A large, sharp by appearance, blade that he was assuring my silence with.

  "Please." I begged. I wasn't sure where it had come from or what I'd expected from the single word, but all I got was a hollow chuckle. A sound that sent a very
disturbed shiver down my spine.

  "Please, what baby?" His eyes flew over my features, taking in the fear he was incited. Then he did it. He did the thing that disturbed even the most horrific of my nightmares. He ran his nose along the side of my face as he inhaled so deep, I heard nothing but the passage of air through his nasal passage. He smelled me.

  He was like an animal. He could smell my fear- and it was getting him off. "Please just let me go. I won't tell anyone. I won't go to the cops. I won't even tell Sawyer."

  "DON"T say his name!" He shouted as I felt the blade pierce my skin for the first time. I shrieked a little at the sensation. "Imperfect." He muttered as the look in his eyes changed a little. They were still cold and filled with lust, but there was something else. "Look at the way your blood just seeps from your throat. So slowly, so daintily. Everything about you is so feminine. So perfectly imperfect." I had no idea what he was saying as he kept his sight trained on the marred spot on my neck.

  "Okay. I won't. Mike," I gulped as I said his name and his eyes shot to mine again. "I won't talk about him. He's insignificant." I was talking out of my ass. He cocked his head as his smirk grew.

  "You're a very smart girl, baby. It was a good effort you know, but I'm not stupid. I know he owns every part of you. He's had you in the way I've only dreamed. It's okay though. We're going to change that." He took the hand that held the knife and brought it to my face. His thumb caressed my cheek and it took every ounce of strength my exhausted body could muster not to flinch away from him. "I will take care of you baby. I will show you a pleasure, you've never known." He pressed his lips to mine and I had to fight not to gag. "Feel what you do to me? God, I've been hard for you for weeks baby." He pressed his erection in my stomach and I tried to pull my hips away from him. He had me against the wall so hard I had nowhere to go.

  "Please don't." I tried begging again. "You don't want to hurt me Mike. I know you're a good guy." Where the fuck was Nova?

  "Oh, but that's where you're wrong. I crave hurting you. I think about it constantly." His eyes turned angry. "I wouldn't have had to, if you hadn't betrayed me the way you did baby. How could you? You knew how much I wanted you. You just had to go and chose him." At that the knife fell to my stomach. "You just had to go and fuck him. I could have given you a baby too, you know. Why him?" He shouted in anger.