Finding Shadows

by Lindsay Nall

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” She made a grunt in his direction but that was all the acknowledgment she offered. “I’ll be leaving in the morning.” He watched as she wavered on her feet catching her balance on the bag and pushing herself back to continue her attack with a force he wasn’t used to seeing her use. He watched her for another minute taking in the way her jaw was set, the attacks she was using and the force she was using. “Mari?” Something wasn’t right. He stepped closer to her his eyes widening when he noticed the droplets of blood that littered the floor around her. Looking up he saw the blood on her shins and knuckles from the force of her hits. “Mari!” She didn’t stop even when he yelled her name. Grabbing the arm she had swung back for an attack he spun her to face him and shook her lightly by the shoulders. “Snap out of it!” It was like holding a rag doll, one minute she was all tense and rigid and the next she just went limp in his arms.

  “I don’t understand…” Her voice was hoarse, filled with too many emotions. “Why can’t I ever stay with the people I love!?” Her eyes snapped up to him making him blink, they were bloodshot and leaking tears though she wasn’t crying.

  “He left you?”

  “No.” A burble of hysterical laughter escaped her lips as if he had said the most insane thing possible. “He never would…that’s why I have to…why did he have to be a clansman?” Marinique watched his niece as he thought over her statement, someone had said something to her, had pointed out the truth he had feared ever since the night he had first seen the two of them together. With a sigh that conveyed more empathy than he could ever say he scooped her up in his arms and started for the infirmary.

  “You’ll leave with me in the morning.” She kept her head tucked under his chin as he walked, whether for comfort or out of fear he didn’t know and neither did she.

  “Uncle Rayne?” He made a noise in the back of his throat. “Do you think maybe I was a bad person in a past life?” His step faltered at her soft-spoken question.

  “You? Impossible.” She made no noise to argue with him. “Why do you ask?”

  “Just trying to figure out why God’s punishing me.” His gaze dropped to the top of her head as he kicked himself for all the time he had spent away from her.

  After getting her patched up in the infirmary Marinique took her back to her room and watched as she fiddled with her necklace.

  “What are you going to tell him?”

  “That I don’t love him.” She didn’t even flinch, no change in her voice, nothing.

  “He won’t believe you.”

  “Not by myself no.” Marinique thought about it for a minute.

  “Tadum…” Mari nodded answering his unasked question.

  “I talked to him earlier, after dinner we’ll…” She shook her head unable to say anything more. What was she supposed to say?

  “Very well.” Marinique left her by herself knowing she hated it when people hovered and knowing now, of all times, she wanted to be by herself more than anything.

  “You’re sure about this?” Tadum asked taking Mari’s hand in his and giving it a light squeeze.

  “Unfortunately yes, I need to break his heart to the point that I’m not redeemable to him.” He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. On the outside, she seemed completely stable but on the inside, she was a storming wreck of emotions. Those emotions hadn’t settled one bit since she came to his room earlier that day. He hated that he couldn’t fix this for her, hell he couldn’t even help except to be by her side to make her lie believable. He was so furious with Alto and what he had put on her shoulders but more disappointed in Mari herself though he would never tell her. She should be fighting for who she loved no matter what, that was the Mari he used to know but maybe she had been right before to say they had grown up. Maybe this was her form of self-preservation, a way to protect herself from falling harder for Nyght and to make him choose the path his Grandfather thought was right for him. Still, it wasn’t right. She deserved to have more than just fleeting moments of happiness in her life, she had lost so much already it made him wonder just how much more she could lose before it destroyed her for good.

  “Here he comes.” The two watched as Nyght came walking up to them with a mildly surprised look.

  “What are you two doing out here?” He asked.

  “Talking about the future.” Mari answered. She had asked Tadum to let her do most of the talking knowing Nyght would sniff out the lie if she didn’t do it herself.

  “Oh? Is Leaf going to travel with us?”

  “No, I’m going to travel with him.”

  “What?” Nyght looked from Mari to Tadum to their still clasped hands and back.

  “I got to thinking, I’m sorry but…he was my first love and…”

  “You want to be with Leaf?” The only emotion on Nyght’s face was shock but his eyes spoke to Mari’s heart.

  “It’s where I belong. I know now my heart was troubled because I missed him. I’m sorry Nyght, the last few months were great but I want to be with him.” She watched as Nyght thought about what she said, his eyes darting back and forth as he thought it over.

  “So you want me to graciously back out and let the two of you be happy?” Tadum took a step forward and put his arm around Mari’s waist pulling her up next to him.

  “It’s what a real man would do.” He said giving Nyght a look that told him to tread lightly.

  “I will…” Hope flared within her heart that this would be short but Nyght’s next statement killed it. “If Mari will look me in the eye and tell me she doesn’t love me.”

  “She doesn’t have to prove herself.” Tadum growled. Mari patted the hand that was on her waist and stepped forward to stand in front of Nyght trying to ignore her heartbeat as it sped up.

  “Leaf was right when he said I love with my whole heart, I’m sorry Nyght but I don’t love you, not like you want me to.” Nyght stared into her eyes for a moment and Mari could pinpoint the moment his heart shattered. Turning his back on her Nyght looked at Tadum over his shoulder.

  “She’s all yours.” He parroted the words Tadum had spoken to him in the courtyard the day before. Tadum stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Mari as she watched Nyght walk away from her.

  “Don’t do it, Mari.”

  “Do what?”

  “Use your eye to make sure he believed us.” She shook her head with a sad smile.

  “I don’t have to. His eyes told me more than mine ever could.” He steered her towards a different entrance but with every step Mari felt weaker and weaker until her legs finally gave out on her. Tadum kneeled next to her with a sigh. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired.” He rolled his eyes and picked her up carrying her back to her room and getting her settled in bed. As he started towards the door she said the first thing since they had gotten back. “I don’t want to be alone.” He looked at her over his shoulder, she seemed like a normal sleepy woman but he knew her better than that. Taking off his coat and setting his Sais on her desk he laid down next to her in the bed. Instantly she curled up to him with an arm around his waist and her head on his chest with an ear over his heart.

  “You don’t have to act brave for me Mari.” He ran a hand up and down her spine.

  “I’m afraid to fall apart.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t think I’ll be able to put myself back together again if I do.” He gave her a quick squeeze then resumed rubbing her back.

  “Then I’ll do it for you, you just sacrificed your heart, it’s ok to grieve.” It was nearly twenty minutes before she made another noise, a sniffle, after that the tears flowed until she passed out from exhaustion. The whole time he just laid with her, never saying a single word, rubbing her back and handing her clean tissue from the nightstand.

  Tadum woke in the morning to someone knocking on the door. He grumbled a few choice words under his breath as he disentangled himself from Mari, he forgot how much she sprawled. Still grumbling he opened the door
and glared at the man on the other side.

  “I was told to give this to Marisol.” Nyght had a yellow letter-size envelope in one hand tapping it in the palm of the other, a grimace on his face. Tadum held out his hand and reluctantly Nyght handed him the envelope.

  “She’s still sleeping. I’ll make sure she gets it.” Nyght didn’t move just continued to stare at him. “Was there something else you wanted?” He shook his head slowly and Tadum started to shut the door but Nyght stopped him with his hand on it.

  “Tadum?” He looked at him over his shoulder. “Take care of her.” He nodded and shut the door in his face.

  “Leaf?” Mari’s voice was soft and he looked up to her from the envelope. She was sitting up with her knees to her chest.

  “He was dropping this off for you.” Walking over he sat down next to her handing her the envelope.

  “I heard.” Mari took the envelope slowly pulling the note from it and reading it slowly getting more and more confused. “It’s from Uncle Rayne, he says he wants me to travel with you to Hidell, he’ll meet me there.” Tadum cocked an eyebrow at her.

  “Did he say why?” She shook her head with a weak smile as she crumpled the paper up and threw it away.

  “He didn’t have to, I know why.” Mari pulled her knees closer to her chest and rested her temple on her knee.

  “Why?”

  “To make our lie believable.”

  The journey to Hidell was long but Mari found herself with no free time to think about Nyght or the circumstances that caused her to have to travel to Hidell in the first place. When Tadum wasn’t keeping her occupied with training Nevelyn was teaching her a new art technique or demonstrating how different plants around them could be used as different mediums. When that didn’t work Micah would occupy her mind with different riddles or impossible questions that he had picked up from different towns.

  She knew the three men were trying to do their best to keep her mind occupied, she was glad for it during the day but at night it was the hardest. No one could fill her mind with senseless riddles or questions; no one could distract her from the images that flashed through her mind every time she closed her eyes. The first four nights they had stayed in small inns in the towns and every time Mari had ended up creeping into Tadum’s room in the middle of the night. She never said a word but he never asked for an explanation, he just rolled over and went back to sleep with her curled against him.

  Tonight was the first night camping in the open. All day in the back of her mind she had wondered how she would fare with the night. With the three men so close to her would she still seek comfort from Tadum? If she did would the others say something about it? Would they think her weak for still not being able to handle things on her own? The worries teamed up on her until she collapsed under the weight of them and made the decision that no matter how badly she wanted to, no matter how much it hurt to be on her own she wouldn’t go to Tadum tonight.

  The stars had been shining brightly for three hours, Mari knew because she had given up counting them and moved on to watching the moon travel across the sky. When she looked at it just right it reminded her of the world she used to dream about with the inverted beach, a dream that had escaped her since she had learned of her transfer. As she thought about the dream she remembered the man, the man who had never appeared until the last dream, the man who had claimed he was a shadow, the man who had questioned her faith in God and the Devil. A Shadow…had he meant a warrior like them? He couldn’t have, The Fourteen were all in the world but uncollected, he couldn’t be one of them. She knew the names of every male member, knew their faces from the files on them as well as the ages and not one of them matched the man from her dream. She wondered if her imagination had just pulled words from her head or if the man had been something else, some kind of warning to her that a Shadow shouldn’t doubt God or the Devil.

  Rolling her eyes at her inner ramblings she rolled over to try and get comfortable again but the dream man’s face wouldn’t leave her mind. She had heard that there were people that could control what they dreamt, decide when and who they would dream about before they went to sleep and live out their fantasies in their dreams. She gave an inward sigh and focused on nothing but the man from her dream and the questions she wanted to ask him. With those images in her head, she fell asleep by herself.

  The beach was the same. The same familiar waves, the same balmy night air tinged with the scent of night-blooming flowers, the same noises of the animals that inhabited the island in the greenery to her left. She looked around her from the pristine white sandy beach to the turquoise waves and finally to the large moon that hung in the glittering night sky before starting down the beach as she had months before. She crossed the line that separated the two beaches anxious in her approach to the black lacquered bench. Would the mystery man be there waiting for her again or would she just sit on that bench like all the times before in solitude waiting for the morning?

  “Why have you called me here child?” The man’s voice echoed around her from everywhere and nowhere all at once making this stagnant side of the beach vibrate with his words.

  “I have questions.” She came upon the bench and sat down by herself surveying the area around her, looking for a shadow that didn’t belong.

  “And you believe I have the answers you seek?” She nodded. “I see.” There was a rustle from the inland where the blackened ferns and palms had been sitting motionless in the still night. A shadow seemed to separate itself from the plants but came no closer to her then the edge of the yellow pool of light the lantern gave off. “I will answer what I can.”

  “You said you were a Shadow but the fourteen have already been found and a carrier wouldn’t be strong enough to manipulate my dreams.” Although she couldn’t see the man’s face she knew he was smiling.

  “That is a statement, not a question.” Mari rolled her eyes. Even in her dreams, men were irritating.

  “You lied about being a Shadow so what or who are you?” A sigh was her only response for a long time making her wonder if she had done wrong by calling the man to her dreams again.

  “You have much to learn yet my child. The answers you seek you will learn when the time is right but that time is not now.”

  “I don’t want riddles I just want answers. If you don’t want to tell me then just say so.” The man stepped forward into the pool of light letting the shadows that had hidden him from her sight to melt away showing her his real form. He was older but there was something odd about him, an age to his eyes that spoke to her telling her he had seen more in his lifetime than any other had. There was sorrow that overpowered her as she kept his gaze, a sorrow that made her heart hurt causing her to look away.

  “You see now. There are things that you are not yet able to handle.” Mari growled and stood facing the man with her hands fisted at her sides.

  “I can’t handle them? I can’t handle them?! I’m handling everything just fine right now thank you very much. I handled my father’s death, I handled the truth about my mother, I handled the situation with Leaf and now the situation with Nyght I know I can handle anything else so whatever it is just tell me.” She was shaking with her anger; she was so mad at everyone and everything but this was her dream and if she wanted to have a nervous breakdown dammit she was going to.

  “Is part of this handling seeking comfort in the arms of your former lover?” Mari froze. “You are a selfish child, you think nothing of the impact it has on the gentlemen to constantly have to take care of you, to constantly worry about your protection.” Selfish? The word echoed in her head over and over like a broken record. Was she being selfish with Tadum?

  “Selfish…” The word felt odd on her tongue.

  “You are a strong warrior my child, one of the strongest but you have much to learn not only as a Shadow but as a daughter.”

  “A daughter?” The man nodded with a weak smile.

  “There are things you are not yet able to handle my child.�
� The man was disappearing, melding back into the shadows he had come from. A tugging at her mind told her that she was about to wake from the dream without any answers.

  “You never told me who you are!” The man was gone, the beach fading as she woke. She could try again for her answers but something in the back of her mind told her that what she had been told tonight was all the answers she was going to get.

  The town of Hidell was small but busy, one of the highest populated towns in the northern provinces surrounded by farmland that produced most of the wool to the surrounding areas. Sheep grazed lazily as the group of four made their way into the town. Mari had tried to convince Tadum and the others to continue, that she could manage to walk down the country roads and find her Uncle on her own but they were determined to hand her off like a child.

  As usual Marinique Rayne was busy drinking his fill at the town Inn and hitting on every woman that would spare him a look.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to stay with us?” Tadum asked watching as Marinique goosed a barmaid that had been passing by.

  “Trust me I can keep him in line.” She knew all the tricks to keep her Uncle from getting arrested, chased out of the towns or beaten to a pulp by other men with a few simple words. It was a form of emotional blackmail sure but if it kept them on schedule then she would use them every day if need be and right now she had a schedule to keep.

  “Uncle.” The word was filled with enough venom and irritation to make Marinique cringe.

  “Mari, I wasn’t expecting you so soon.” Marinique turned from the bar hiding his glass behind him as he stood with his arms out. She shook her head making him put them back down.

  “We decided to walk through the night.” Well, they had after Mari refused to stop to camp and kept on walking making them realize the only way they were going to get any sleep was if they hogtied her and no one was willing to lay a hand on her.