Our Journey

by Tey Holden

  “And she talks endlessly! Maybe her husband is not too much of a talker,” Kate said, laughing.

  “Don’t see how he could be if she talks like that all the time.”

  Kate laughed. “And what about that woman with the bus? On top of driving that huge thing, they’re towing a car.”

  “Well, you almost have to, if they want some mobility when they get anywhere. It can’t be easy to drive that bus in small towns.”

  “Yea, that’s true. Hey, Jo, I don’t know about you, but I’m wearing my last T-shirt. We need to do laundry,” Kate said.

  “My case is worse,” she got close to Kate and whispered in her ear, “I’m not wearing any underwear, so yes, let’s do that after we finish setting up here. Going commando is a bit uncomfortable when wearing jeans, especially since certain areas have gotten too sensitive due to excessive use.”

  Kate laughed, went into the bedroom, and walked out carrying their laundry bag. “Let’s go find the laundry facilities, lover girl. I wouldn’t want your goods damaged.”

  Jo smiled and took the laundry bag from her. “Let me have that.”

  When they reached the laundry room, they got change from the coin machine and put their clothes in the washer. “It won’t always be like this,” Jo said somberly.

  “What are you talking about?” Kate frowned.

  “Us using public laundries.”

  “What’s this about?” Kate still wondered.

  “Someday, we’ll have a place of our own and not have to use public laundries.”

  “Jo, come on. Stop the nonsense. Of course we will! Why do you always feel like you have to be selling something better to me?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe because I feel you deserve more, and I have very little to offer right now.”

  “McCallister,” Kate looked like she meant business. “I’m already sold on you.” She ran the back of her hand over Jo’s face. “Right now, we’re on this road trip, and the future might be a bit uncertain, but eventually life will take its course. I suppose that would be when we run out of money!” She laughed, and Jo smiled. Kate again brushed Jo’s face with her fingers. “Don’t worry so much. I love you, and I love the way you love me, nothing else matters. Everything else can and will work out.”

  Somehow, when listening to Kate, everything made sense. She was sure that Kate could see right through all her doubts and that none of them seemed to bother her. Like Grams, she had faith in her and their relationship. Looking into the loving green eyes always appeased her, and everything seemed okay. Feeling the love, Jo’s exotic brown eyes became soft as chocolate. A sign that indicated to Kate that she had hit the right spot, a sentiment that was confirmed when Jo pulled her close and kissed her.

  “Lover girl, I think that we better go back to the RV if you’re going to get all soft on me. I don’t know that this behavior may be appropriate for a family campground,” Kate said while pulling away from Jo’s arms. “Besides, I don’t suppose that I need to remind you that considering your commando situation, the walk to the RV may cause serious damage.” Kate grinned, tapped Jo on the nose, and began to walk away.

  Jo smiled and followed, “I think we’d better hurry back to the RV.”

  “How long is the washing cycle?” Kate asked.

  “Thirty minutes.”

  “That doesn’t give us much time,” Kate responded.

  “I wouldn’t be too sure. It won’t take that long for me to—.”

  “Sssh! Family campground!” Kate admonished.

  “Okay, the washing cycle is long enough for me. The drying cycle is forty-five minutes, you can take that one.” Kate laughed, hearing Jo’s distribution of time.

  “I may want some more time. Maybe, we can hang whatever wrinkles and do the folding later.” Kate added, still smiling.

  “Good idea. It’s important to prioritize.”

  The next day, they got up early and toured the North Rim and the lodge. At night they watched the zillion stars visible in the dark sky. That night back at the RV, they agreed to continue on and visit the South Rim.

  In the morning, they got back on the road and stopped at Williams in Northern Arizona, where they had lunch on the patio of quaint Mexican restaurant listening to the sounds of a local guitar player. After lunch, they toured the town and visited the local shops filled with Native American art.

  Later, they continued their trip to the South Rim of the Canyon and marveled at its amazing beauty. They camped nearby for the night, and planned to continue towards Flagstaff and to camp near Sedona.

  Kate insisted on looking for the energy vortexes. Jo laughed, thinking it was all a hoax to get money from the tourists. “It’s not the money, it’s the principle! I’m not going to give some guy my money to sit on the ground and listen to the wind.”

  Kate laughed, “okay, let’s try and find a map and look for the vortexes ourselves.” They were able to find a map at the visitor’s center and proceeded to follow the directions to the vortexes.”

  “I see nothing,” Jo said, in a skeptical tone.

  Kate smiled. “You’re not supposed to see anything. You’re supposed to ‘feel’ something.” She stressed the word ‘feel.’

  “There isn’t even a sign saying something like ‘you’ve arrived at the vortex.’ How do we even know we’re at the right place?” Jo asked, again in the same tone.

  Kate rolled her eyes and said, “come on, let’s look for another vortex.” The same thing happened on the next alleged spot. “Okay, let’s do one more, and if we can’t find it, that’s it!” Jo followed her, laughing. They were encouraged when the saw hikers on the third spot. “This has to be a sure spot. There are lots of people here.” Jo added nothing to Kate’s remarks and followed, loving Kate’s resolve.

  The trail was rugged and began to thin out as they reached the edge of the highland. Once there, it skirted the edge of the cliff. Kate took off as if it was her customary walk in the woods, but as the path became narrower and the precipice next to it sharper. Kate became cautious in her pursuit of the vortex.

  “Katie! I think it’s too risky to continue.” When Kate heard Jo’s comment, she walked back to where Jo was standing and took her hand.

  “Do you feel it?” Kate asked, with her eyes closed.

  Jo looked at her and grinned, adoring Kate’s face. “I feel the wind coming from below, and I hear its sound. That happens because the mountain forces the air up,” the ever-pragmatic Jo explained.

  “Maybe that’s what the vortex is about. Just a spot where you can take in the feel and the sounds of the earth and meditate,” Kate said.

  Jo continued to grin. “I love how you love this stuff, and it certainly feels very refreshing. Actually, I could spend some time feeling and listening to the wind here, except for the fact that my stomach is rumbling, and I need food.” People nearby heard Jo’s comment and laughed.

  Kate opened her eyes and shook her head. “Okay, let’s go!” As they walked back to the RV, Kate continued to talk. “Frankly, if they want people to visit these places, they should advertise and promote them better. Even when you think you’re there, you’re not even sure that you’re at the right spot!” Careful to stay in the narrow path, she smiled, remembering Jo’s need for food. “Are we eating in the RV or going back to town?”

  “Let’s go to one of those cowboy bars in town. I read in a brochure that they have rattlesnake as an appetizer.”

  Kate twisted her mouth and wrinkled her nose. “That sounds interesting, but I’m really dying for a cold beer.”

  ***

  For the next two months, they traveled the southbound route they had plotted. On the road, Kate saw a billboard about a hospital’s maternity services and realized that she had never asked Jo a very important question. “Hey, Jo, do you want to have children? I don’t mean any time soon, but maybe later in life.”

  “No way!”

  Jo’s adamant reply surprised Kate to the point that her mind went blank. She had always
envisioned children in her life. “Why not?”

  “I don’t know. It’s something I’ve never even considered.” Kate became silent, troubled by Jo’s response. Since having children was not in her near future, she decided to drop the subject. She thought that, with time, Jo might change her mind. Still immersed in her thoughts, she became quiet.

  The sudden silence became obvious to Jo. “Why are you so quiet? What’s on your mind?”

  “Nothing.”

  She looked at Kate and noticed that she was looking out the window lost in thought. Jo knew her enough to understand that short replies and silence from Kate was always a sign that something was very wrong. She mentally went over their previous conversation, trying to figure out if she had said anything that might have upset Kate. When she realized what the possible problem was, without any warning, she pulled over into the next rest area.

  “Why are we stopping here? Is something wrong?” Kate asked.

  “No, I just need to clarify something.” Jo parked, shut down the engine, and turned in her seat to face Kate. “What I said about children came out wrong. I need to explain.”

  Kate smiled realizing that Jo had picked up on her silence. “It’s okay, Jo. I understand. Some people don’t want children. I get it.”

  “No, it’s not that. It just came out wrong.”

  “So, what is it then?” Kate asked.

  “How can I explain this? I never thought of having children myself. I never pictured myself pregnant. Just the thought of it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know why. Maybe the thought of having something alive inside of me is not something I can deal with. I really can’t explain it.” As Jo spoke, Kate remained serious, not knowing where the conversation was going. “But, Katie, that doesn’t mean I don’t want children.”

  “What do you mean then?”

  “I mean that I’m chicken shit as far as having one myself, but I don’t mind if you have one or two if that’s what you want.” Jo raked her hair while Kate’s eyes seemed to, all of a sudden, brighten up. “Shit Katie, it’s nothing that I would ask of you. How could I, when I won’t have them myself? But if that is something you want, I’d be honored to have a family with you.” Kate smiled. The lump in her throat wouldn’t let her speak. “Is that what was bothering you?” Jo asked.

  Kate nodded, and her eyes filled with tears. “Yes, because I would like to have children.”

  “Oh, baby! It will be my privilege to care and support you, through however many pregnancies you want to go through, and to raise as many children as we can afford to have! It would be more like a blessing, I mean, whatever you want, Kate. Whatever! I would for sure adopt them legally. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Jo finally breathed, relieved of having cleared the matter.

  Kate chuckled, that was the answer she had been hoping for all along. “I want three, Jo.”

  Jo raised her eyebrows. “Three?”

  “Yes, I was an only child, and I hated it. I always wanted brothers and sisters.”

  “I was an only child too and was not happy about it either.” Jo pursed her lips. “I guess that settles it.”

  Kate smiled and sat on her lap to hug her. “How did you know I was upset?”

  “The silence. You’re always talking.”

  “Gosh, do I talk that much?”

  Jo smiled. “Yes, and I love it.” Three?

  Chapter 2

  During the course of their trip, Jo took every opportunity she could to bring up the subject of Kate’s application to medical school. Kate’s initial reaction was either total dismissal or ignoring the subject by failing to provide any response.

  “Jo, stop pushing medical school. I’m not doing it, and that’s that! I’ve told you many times that it’s too late, that train left town a long time ago.”

  “I don’t understand. I thought that was something you wanted to do. Just because you couldn’t do it the first time around doesn’t mean that you can’t do it now. It was bad luck that your plan didn’t work out then, but it’s different now. I’ll stand behind you 100%. Why don’t you want to do it?”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, please!” They had just finished dinner and were cleaning up when the subject had come up. Jo sighed and continued cleaning the grill while Kate put things away. After she was done, she opened the door of the RV. “I’m going for a walk. I need to clear my head,” Kate said and started to walk away.

  Jo finished cleaning the grill and later sat in one of the folding chairs they usually took out when they sat outside to grill. She wondered what was on Kate’s mind that was precluding her from pursuing her life’s dream. Why wouldn’t she do it? Is it too soon after Grams death? Thirty minutes later, Jo saw Kate walking back. She walked past Jo, said nothing, and went inside the motorhome. Jo heard the shower running but remained outside reading but unable to move from the same paragraph.

  After a while of hearing no sounds, Jo went inside and found Kate already in bed. She locked up for the night and went into the bathroom to take a shower. When she stepped out, she turned off the lights and went to bed without saying a word. The usual playful Kate was quiet and had her back turned to her. It was the first night since they had been together that they slept without holding each other. Jo was restless, missing the warmth of Kate’s body.

  Jo was at a total loss as to what to say or do. She was afraid of opening her mouth and saying something that might upset Kate even more. However, she also knew that she would not be able to sleep at all. How can I fix this? Should I ask her? Would she be mad at me for asking? Shit! I’m so fucked! Jo just looked at the ceiling wondering what to do.

  It was already midnight when she felt Kate get up. Jo waited for her to return, but when after a while she didn’t come back, Jo got up and went to look for her. From the door of the bedroom, she saw Kate sitting up front in the passenger’s chair. Kate sensed her coming and looked to her side only to find Jo kneeling next to her.

  “Katie, whatever I did or said to upset you, I’m sorry. I can’t sleep knowing that you’re upset because of something I said. I’m an idiot, and I don’t know what to say to fix it. Can you forgive me?”

  “Oh, Jo.” Kate cupped Jo’s face, kissed her, and then hugged her.

  What the hell! “You’re not mad at me?”

  “No, baby, I’m not mad at you. You did nothing wrong. You’re wonderful.” Kate kissed her again.

  Jo was relieved with Kate’s reply, but just as lost as she had been before. “Then why are you upset? I know it’s related to what I said about med school. I didn’t intend to push you if you’re not ready. I understand that a lot has happened that has altered your life, and that you might need time. I just wanted you to know that when you’re ready, it’s something I’d like you to do. Come here.” She sat on the driver’s seat across from Kate and pulled her over to her lap. Kate put her arms over Jo’s shoulders and curled to her. “I’m talking too much. Sorry, please, let me know what’s on your mind.”

  Kate chuckled. “You’re not talking too much. I’m just afraid of failing,” Kate replied, leaning her head to Jo’s.

  “What?” Jo asked.

  “What if I can’t cut it?” Jo could feel Kate’s fast heartbeat. “One thing is wanting something, and another thing is actually doing it. What if I get into med school and can’t make it, and I end up with a huge debt for that semester, or for however long I last? I’d have nothing but a huge debt to pay. I can’t do that to us. I can’t. But still, even that’s not the most important thing.”

  “What else is there?” Jo asked.

  “I’m terrified of losing you.” Kate’s eyes filled with tears.

  “What makes you think you’d lose me when I’m telling you that I’m behind you all the way?”

  “Because, since I don’t want to fail, I’ll put all my effort into what I’m doing, and that would take time away from us, and that could put stress on our relationship. I want you to be my priority. And in the end, if I fail, I woul
d have accomplished nothing and might have lost you in the process. I don’t want to risk us. I just want you. I choose us over anything else.” Kate leaned her forehead to Jo’s.

  Jo smiled and held her, gently caressing her back and placing small kisses on her shoulder. She held Kate at arm’s length to look at her face. “Katie, life is one big gamble. There’s never a guarantee of any particular outcome in anything we do. Nothing is ever certain. The most we can do is try to make things work to achieve the results we want.” She paused and thought about her own doubts and how this talk applied to her as well. “Sometimes we fail, and sometimes we succeed. Having seen death so close in Afghanistan, all I can tell you is that I’m glad to have the opportunity to have another day to try to make things work. Some people don’t even get that chance.” She paused and smiled. “For whatever miracle of life, I got that chance, and I’m here with you, and we’re going to make this work.” She paused again and smiled, inspired by her thoughts and by the possibility of making Kate see her point.

  “This is our moment. Our second chance to make our lives work. We have our relationship as a common goal, but we also have separate goals. Your other goal is medical school, and mine to restart my career and make you happy. Giving you the opportunity to achieve your goal is important for me because I would also be accomplishing my goal to make you happy. If, after you start, it turns out you don’t like it or don’t want to continue for whatever reason, I’m okay with that. I’ll be okay because, at least, I’d know that you tried. I can certainly live with that, but what I can’t live with is the thought that you didn’t give it a fair shot.”

  “But what about us?” Kate asked.

  “I know the sacrifices that we’ll have to make for this goal, and I’m prepared to face them.” Jo paused. “I also don’t want regrets of what could have been. What’s more, I don’t want to look back one day and think that I was the reason for you not having achieved your full potential. So you’d be doing this for you and me, for us. And if at any point you want to quit, it wouldn’t be a failure, just a change of plan.”