Our Journey

by Tey Holden

  “But, Jo, what about all the money it’s going to cost?”

  “Katie, money comes and goes. It’s not that important in the whole scheme of things. We’ll eventually pay it off. Please, don’t think about it. We have enough money in the bank right now to pay for a whole year’s tuition.”

  “No, we’re not going to do that just because my name is on the bank account. I’ll take a loan and pay it off later.”

  Jo combed back Kate’s hair. “I don’t care about money. All I care about is that you have a shot at something you want. That’s very important to me. This is similar to when you go to the grocery store and buy an avocado.”

  Kate rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Jo McCallister, how can this be compared to buying an avocado?” Even saying it made her laugh, Jo laughed too.

  “Well, when you buy an avocado, there’s no way to know if it’s good or if it’s all rotten inside. So you buy it on faith. You pay for it, and you bring it home, thinking that it will be good. It’s not until you cut it that you know whether it’s good or not. This thing with you becoming a doctor is the same thing. You pay for your training, and you hope that it will turn out to be good, that things will work out for you. It’s something you will never know unless you do it. You could hate it, or you could flunk, but . . . ” Jo paused and raised her finger in front of Kate’s smiling face, “on the flip side, what if you like it? What if you’re very successful and very good at it, and you finish? What if you turn out to be a great avocado? I mean, doctor?” The way she asked the question made them laugh.

  “Jo,” Kate kissed her, “Grams was right. You have the wonderful gift to make people feel good about themselves and to lead them into something different, and hopefully better. You have a way to make everything sound possible. I feel I can do anything when I’m with you, but I still have my fears.” She tenderly cupped Jo’s face in her hands.

  “We all have fears, Kate. No matter how old people are, we all have fears. But, we cannot give in to our fears because that’s no way to live. Take on the world, Katie. It’s what I want to do. Let’s give it our best shot. I know all the risks we’ll face, and I’m willing to take them with you. Whatever the outcome, I’m in 100%. I want you in just the same. You said once that you would take the road of life with me wherever it took us. This is our life, Katie. We can choose which road to take and when to take it. Let’s take the road to med school and camp there for however long it takes.”

  Kate pressed Jo’s head into her chest and hugged her. “God! And you were wondering what to say to fix things!” Kate cupped Jo’s face in her hands. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that you’re an idiot. You’re brilliant! You’re the wisest person I’ve ever known, and I’m lucky to have you in my life.” She kissed her with such force that Jo fell back on the seat.

  “So, can you come back to bed and sleep with me? I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but I can’t sleep, if I’m not holding you.”

  Kate smiled and kissed her on her forehead. “Let’s go back to bed, Ms. McCallister, but I don’t think you’ll be sleeping anytime soon. I need to show you what makes you want me on that bed!”

  “Please!” Jo grinned. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?” Jo asked, still feeling Kate’s smile on her lips.

  Kate whispered in her ear, “at this point, we’re past the telling part and going directly into the show me part.”

  “God! Who would have thought I’d be so good at this making up thing! See what I mean? Good avocado!”

  Kate laughed her heart out, as they fell on the bed.

  ***

  In the morning, the minute Kate opened an eye, Jo was bursting with excitement. “Call Vanderbilt. They’ve already accepted you once, it might be easier to get in there.”

  Kate rolled her eyes, turned on the bed, and covered her head with the pillow. Jo chuckled when she saw her from the bedroom door. “I’m making crepes, and they’ll get cold if you don’t get up. Don’t think that you’re going to get out of making that call playing the cute card!”

  Kate smiled under the pillow, sat in bed, put on her T-shirt and got up. Her hair was a mess when she stood next to Jo in the kitchen. “What were you saying about not playing the cute card?” She kissed Jo under her jaw and snuggled to her teasingly. Jo immediately wrapped her arms around her and started to kiss her. Kate managed to loosen herself from Jo’s embrace and went into the bathroom smiling. “I have to pee.”

  When she returned, she put her arms around Jo’s neck. “Admit it,” Kate demanded.

  “Admit what?” Jo kissed her.

  “That the cute card works,” Kate said, grinning while placing small kisses under Jo’s jawline.

  Jo grinned and again placed her arms around her. “It works.” Just when Jo started to kiss her, Kate pulled away. “Crepes? Burning?”

  “Oh, shit!” Jo turned to check the crepes on the stove, which were not actually burning.

  “Let me know when breakfast is ready. I need to make a life-changing call.” Having finished her statement, she took her phone and went into the bedroom, leaving Jo smiling in the kitchen.

  “Tease!” Jo called out.

  ***

  Kate called her contacts at Vanderbilt and subsequently filed all the required forms online. She also applied for financial assistance.

  The people whom Kate contacted were the doctors and administrators who had encouraged, provided references, and ultimately interviewed her for her medical school admission the previous time. Kate was well regarded as a registered nurse, and those who knew her in her field had not hesitated to push her application forward. She had also talked to them to let them know the reasons for not having been able to attend medical school previously. Kate had explained her situation and although everyone had been disappointed, there was nothing they could have done to help her out. Those same people were now glad to know that she wanted to get back in, and that this time she had the support she needed.

  “I hope that you’re happy,” she told Jo, “I’ve done all there is to do. Now it’s a matter of waiting.”

  “When will you know?”

  “Whatever happens, it won’t happen until spring. All the spots for this year have already been filled. People apply for these spots very early on,” Kate responded.

  “Okay, so we wait.” Although Jo was happy that Kate had filed her application, she was somewhat disappointed that they would have to wait a whole year to know if she would be accepted or not.

  After dinner, Kate invited Jo to take a walk along the lake. The campground was small and cozy with a big lake in the center.

  “Why would they leave such a large lake in the middle of the campground when they could’ve filled it up and built more campsites. I’m sure it’s a man-made lake,” Kate commented as they walked around it holding hands.

  “Maybe the owner cares more about how peaceful it is around it than about money. Maybe he doesn’t need more money. And look who’s talking! You had a lake in your campground!”

  “Yes, but our campground was big when my grandfather operated it, and our lake is not man-made. Grandpa had canoes and paddleboats on the lake. There was even a platform in the center where one could jump in and swim. It’s deep in the center. We used to go fishing, canoeing, and swimming in the summer. It was super fun.”

  “Really? I never pictured it that way. The ranch must have been a great place to grow up.” They continued to walk and talk, but after some time, Jo became quiet.

  “Do you think about that fatal day in Afghanistan often?” Kate asked out of the blue.

  Jo was surprised by the question. It was one she certainly didn’t expect. “Kate, I think that day will live with me forever.”

  “Did you think about it when we were at the ranch?”

  “I thought about it less there, but it always comes back somehow.” Kate snuggled to her, and the action immediately drew a warm smile from Jo.

  Kate knew that Jo didn’t like to talk about her nightmar
es or the experience they stemmed from, but she took every opportunity to bring up the subject. She thought that the more Jo spoke about it, the sooner she would come to terms with it. She hoped that with time, and as they got to know each other more, Jo would come to tell her everything she had held inside for so long. For now, she was satisfied with a brief conversation.

  They continued to walk along the lake, enjoying the comfort of their silence. Upon returning to the RV, they locked up for the night and settled to watch a movie, as they usually did before bedtime.

  ***

  That night Jo had a nightmare. As usual, she woke up screaming and terrified. Kate woke up startled, and held her as she normally did. Her initial words were consistently the same, “Jo, Jo, it’s okay, you’re fine!” This was the third time that Jo had experienced nightmares since she had met Kate.

  As Jo became aware of her surroundings, she felt Kate’s arms around her and felt trapped. She withdrew from her grasp, and looked at her without saying a word. Concerned with the look on Jo’s face, Kate still held on to her. “Jo, are you with me? Kate asked, wanting to make sure that Jo was awake and not in some sort of trance.

  “Yes,” Jo replied, panting.

  “Good.”

  “Did I hurt you?” Jo asked, still feeling restless and anxious.

  “No! Why would you ever say that?”

  “I don’t know. I think sometimes I’m violent when this happens.”

  “No, you were just agitated.”

  “Maybe I should start sleeping on the pullout couch in the dining area.”

  “No way. You’re sleeping right here with me. Let’s get you another T-shirt.”

  Jo looked at her shirt and saw that she was drenched in sweat. Without saying a word, Kate pulled up Jo’s T-shirt and helped her put on the clean one. “Much better, now come on and lie down with me.” Kate pulled her down to the bed, and Jo cuddled to her chest.

  “I don’t want to hurt you when I have a nightmare. I don’t know what I’m doing when it happens.”

  “I know, but I can hold you and calm you down when you’re here with me.”

  “Thanks.”

  “It’s okay, baby. It’s fine.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  “I must scare the hell out of you when I wake up screaming.”

  “I won’t say it’s not startling, but I know what it is, and I’m not afraid. Remember that I’m a nurse, and that I’m trained to deal with difficult situations, and with people feeling pain and suffering.”

  “Will this ever go away?”

  Kate didn’t think herself qualified to answer such a question, but she felt like she needed to provide some comfort. “I don’t have an answer for that, but here’s what I would like to do.”

  “What?”

  “What if anytime it happens, we talk about it. What if you tell me what was happening in your nightmare, if you can remember?”

  “I can remember. It’s always the same thing. I don’t know that I want to talk about it, or that I want to put you through that stuff. It’s my nightmare. I don’t want to make it yours.”

  “But what if I want to know? What if I want to share those moments?”

  “Kate, I can’t. I don’t want to put that in your head. They’re awful images of dead people or people dying.”

  “I’m not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, but I think that when people talk about things that burden them, they feel better. Sometimes, others can offer another point of view. For example, you said that the images you see are of dead people or people dying.”

  “Yes.”

  “So, what if I could talk you into remembering those people, not dead, but alive.”

  “How?”

  “By remembering their good deeds, their qualities, and the happy times with them.”

  “It would still make me sad to know they’re dead.”

  “Yes, but it might be another kind of sadness, not the terrifying type.”

  “Some of them, I didn’t know well.”

  “Well, but you might remember them being good soldiers or good at whatever task they performed. And even if they were a pain in the ass, as I’m sure there were some, if you remember just that it might make you smile.”

  Jo smiled. In some crazy way, Kate’s words made sense. “So, you want to hear about all the nut cases I spent my last Army days with?”

  “Yes, I would like to hear it all. Including how they died, or what happened to them if they survived.”

  “And do you think that will help?”

  “Maybe, who knows?” Kate shrugged.

  “I think your idea is crazy, and I’ll most likely try to spare you of all the gruesome parts.”

  “Probably, but I’ll still ask you, and you’ll have to tell me.”

  “I don’t know that I’ll be able.” Jo pursed her lips apologetically.

  “I think we should try it as an experiment if nothing else.”

  “Okay, but if you want me to stop, let me know.”

  “Just start with what you remember.” Kate was not exactly sure if this type of conversation would be helpful, but she thought that if she could bring Jo to the point where she could talk about the events that haunted her, then the thoughts on her mind might become less agonizing.

  As Jo spoke, Kate was drawn into her ordeal, and her empathy was endearing. They sat cross-legged on the bed with Kate holding Jo’s hands. When Jo became tongue-tied or emotional, Kate either kissed her hands or rubbed her thighs tenderly. When Jo stopped speaking, Kate pushed her down on the bed and snuggled to her rubbing her abdomen. A few minutes later, Jo would be asleep.

  The next morning at the breakfast table, Kate was making notes on her tablet.

  “What are you doing? Looks like you’re writing a book.” Jo asked as she set the plates of food on the table. Kate had made the coffee that morning, but Jo made omelets and toast.

  “I am. Actually, it’s a journal, not a book.”

  “What is it about, the trip?”

  “That’s a good idea. I may start one to document the places we’ve been, and what we did at each place. However, this journal is much more important. It’s about our experimental chats on your nightmares.” Jo looked up, surprised. “Don’t look at me that way!” Kate said smiling. “If this is going to be an experiment, we’re going to make it very scientific.”

  Jo shook her head and chuckled. “You’re going to make a darn good doctor someday.”

  “Oh, shut up!” Kate continued writing her notes, while Jo laughed.

  “However, we may need to talk about bedside manners. I don’t think telling patients to shut up is an advisable approach.”

  “I didn’t know there were any complaints about my bedside manners.” Kate teased.

  “I think that if we’re going to be scientific and precise, there needs to be a distinction made between bedside manners and bed manners.” Kate listened to Jo’s reasoning and grinned while typing on her tablet, suspecting what was coming.

  “In this particular case, and you can enter this into your journal, we need to clarify that there’s nothing wrong with the doctor’s bed manners. To expand on that point, we could say that her bed manners are consistently very thorough, and that she always leaves her patients very satisfied and happy.”

  Kate grinned but raised an eyebrow. “Patients, as insinuating more than one?”

  Jo smiled. “Well, we’re talking in general terms here. There’s no need to be so specific. Although, if you must, you can say that her efforts have been mainly concentrated on one patient with great needs.” Kate shook her head, still typing and grinning. “Her bedside manners, however, need serious development.” At that point, Kate closed her tablet, got up, and pulled Jo out of her chair.

  “If I need developmental training, might as well start it right now!” Kate pulled Jo towards the bedroom.

  “I do like this particular doctor’s eagerness to improve, th
ough.”

  ***

  Completely relaxed, they remained in bed with Jo gently caressing Kate’s back. “Katie, I’d like our next stop to be Salt Lake City.”

  “Why? What’s there? Oh, Mike and Todd, yes. I remember, they’re north of Salt Lake in Ogden, right?”

  “Yes, that’s where they are. I’d like to visit them, and I’d like to use their lawyer to prepare legal papers for us.”

  “What kind of legal papers?” Jo had mentioned that matter during a previous conversation, but Kate hadn’t given it too much thought.

  “Wills, powers of attorney, and medical directives.”

  Jo had also thought of marriage but believed it too soon to bring it up. She also knew that Kate had gone through a series of terrible situations in too short a time and that she needed time to recover and readjust to a new life.

  Jo was also the type of person who didn’t like to rush into important matters and who thought that things would fall into place when the time was right. Now was not the right time to burden Kate with any life-changing decisions. For now, it was enough that they were planning a life together.

  Kate was thoughtful and quiet. Jo continued to explain. “We need to protect ourselves. Suppose that something happened to either one of us, I’d like us to be able to make decisions for each other.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense. With so much happening lately, I hadn’t thought about that sort of thing,” she looked at Jo, “we really only have each other.” Jo remained quiet, allowing Kate to realize the seriousness of her statement. “But Jo, I don’t want you to feel compelled because of anything Grams might have said to you. You’re not responsible for me.”

  “Kate, I’m with you because I love you and not because I feel obligated on account of anything Grams said, or I said to her. Whatever I said to her on her deathbed was just to reassure her so that she might go in peace. Do you feel obligated to be with me?”

  “No, I’m in love with you, but—.”

  “There’s no ‘but’ here, Katie. Think about it. I have. If anything were to happen to you or to me, who would you want making decisions? I don’t want strangers who feel nothing for me to make decisions about my life. I want you to do it. I trust you. You love me, and you will know and do what is right.”