Just Breathe

by Rachel Brookes

  It may have been selfish, it may have been the wrong thing to do, but I needed that as much as he did. If I was going to have any closure, this could be it.

  I opened the door wider, silently agreeing. My head was shouting no but my heart won the battle. I didn’t know whether I was doing the right thing, but I needed to do this for us.

  Tate stepped into my apartment and his eyes scoped the darkness.

  “I was about to go to bed,” I said, finding my words.

  He dropped his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh.” Tate nodded and silently followed me into my bedroom. As I did every night, I had candles lighting my bedroom, which only increased the tension now lingering in the air. I turned to Tate and watched as his face dimmed. The reality of the situation hit hard.

  “You still have the photo up?” he questioned as he grabbed the photo frame from my nightstand and focused his eyes on the photo of Tanzi, Jack, Tate and me laughing at one of our nights at Red Velvet.

  “It’s my favorite photo, Tate.” I pulled back the covers on my bed, nerves swamping me. Tate had never been in my bedroom before, and here he was about to sleep in my bed for the first and last time. He stood in silence as I threw my overabundance of pillows to the floor. I lifted the comforter and crawled in and settled into the mattress while Tate stood near the door and watched me.

  “Tate, uh, are you getting in bed? It will freak me out if you keep standing there.”

  “It seems too final. I’ll just be a minute.” He dropped his eyes to the floor and left me in my bedroom in a mass of emotions. I snuggled into my mattress and turned to my side and watched the clock tick over. Ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes, an hour.

  A wisp of cold air hit my skin as the covers were lifted from me and then I felt the warmth of Tate’s body close to mine.

  “Where have you been?” I said hoarsely, I opened one eye and saw that it was 2 a.m. Without thinking, I cuddled closely to his chest, laying my head on his heart and draping one arm over his stomach to find comfort in his warmth.

  His arms wrapped around my body and pulled me flush against his body. “Pacing your living room.”

  Being in his arms felt so familiar and so right. My body molded perfectly against his, almost as if we were created to be together. I loved listening to the beat of his heart and the way his fingers ran through my hair as I cuddled into him and the way I felt him move as he looked down at me as we were in silence. How was I going to live without this?

  “I’m never going to perfect, Sav. I’m never going to be the best boyfriend in the world, and I know I will do things to fuck this up. It’s what I do.”

  “What are you trying to say?” I whispered as I rolled over to face him.

  “I can’t offer you perfection, I can’t offer you the world and I can’t offer you a wonderful and too-good-to-be-true love story.” His finger grazed the underside of my chin and lifted it ever so slowly to make me look at him. “But I can offer you my kind of love. I can offer you my arms to protect you, I can offer you my honesty, I can offer you my trust and I can offer you the biggest chunk of my heart that I’ve given to anyone.”

  “What if that’s what I want?”

  “I’m going to be an asshole; I’ve got issues imbedded deep in my heart that I’ve never wanted to face until I met you. I am going to be jealous of other guys, and I will probably unintentionally say and do things that will hurt your heart. But this is what I can promise you, Sav: I promise to love you like no one else has before, I promise to hold you when you cry, I promise to listen when you need to talk, I promise to adore you even when you do snore but mostly, I promise to give you everything I am. You just have to give me that chance.”

  I huddled down closer to his chest. His hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer.

  “You’ve really got to stop saying I snore,” I said softly into his chest.

  “Whatever you say, Sav. You’re cute when you snore.”

  “Well, it just makes me think you are an arsehole,” I smiled as I looked up at him.

  Tate looked down at me and tightened his grip on my waist. I got lost in his smile. “There she is, that’s what I am going to miss. Feel free to call me an asshole whenever you need.”

  “I’ll send you random texts with the word arsehole. Does that work?”

  “No, you’ve got to leave me voicemails so I can hear your adorable accent when you say it. It doesn’t have the same effect if you write it. It just looks weird.”

  I huddled close to Tate all night. My arms wrapped around his waist, my leg thrown over his to break any space between us. I laid in his arms wide awake all night. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to enjoy this moment in all of its painful glory. I could tell that he was awake by the way his breath hadn’t steadied like I knew it did when he was sleeping. He didn’t move all night; his arms were surrounding me and his lips were close to my forehead. I felt his breath on my skin all night and it comforted me in every way I needed.

  My heavy eyes finally succumbed to sleep just after 5 a.m., and I swear I heard Tate talking to me. I knew I was alone before I opened my eyes. My bed was empty, my body was cold and the pillow where Tate was sleeping was vacant. I opened my eyes and sighed deeply. It was over.

  ***

  For four weeks I worked my butt off. I was working twelve-hour days with no sign of stopping. I knew I was doing it for distraction. If I left before sunrise and got home after sunset, there was less of a risk of running into Tate.

  Being in my voluntarily isolation gave me the chance to think and put everything that had happened into some kind of perspective. Most importantly, I was able to look at it for what it was and decide what I wanted without distractions. When I say distractions, I mean Tate Connors. He had been distracting me since the first day I moved to L.A. I had no contact with him; I didn’t call him and I didn’t text him. He respected my wishes and made no attempt to contact me either. Being on my own never bothered me; it was something that I was accustomed to from a young age. I had spent the past four weeks spending a lot of time with Mr. Davenport, which comforted me greatly. We explored and got lost in Los Angeles, we went for dinners, I helped him finally decorate his condo and we spent our first Christmas in the U.S. together. We couldn’t resist bringing Australia to us and I spent the day making pavlova, glazed ham and Tim Tam Cheesecake. It was everything that I could have hoped for.

  Tanzi checked in on me constantly. We had lunch together every day and she filled me in on what was going on with her, Jack, Lucas and Ali, but she never mentioned Tate. Lucas was constantly on my doorstep. He brought me my favorite Mexican food, he sat through hours of chick flicks with me and gushed about Ali. It was gorgeous!

  “Are you coming to Tate and Tanzi’s birthday tonight?” Mr. Davenport asked as he sat on the corner of my desk and handed me a coffee.

  “How do you know it’s their birthday?”

  “Tanzi told me, and I may have been in contact with Tate.” I started to object but he stopped me. “Don’t get your panties in a knot, he called about Red Velvet.”

  “What about Red Velvet?” I questioned.

  “For an event we are holding. Oh crap, here comes Tanzi. She is a firecracker. I’ll see you tonight. Pick you up at seven.” Mr. Davenport got off my desk and walked toward his office.

  “Seriously, the things I would do to that man,” Tanzi said the moment she got to my desk as her eyes lingered on Mr. Davenport’s office door.

  “Tanzi, you are a sick kitten. He is practically like a second dad to me.”

  Her eyes twinkled. “I could be your stepmom.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Tanzi, you’re crazy.” I laughed and I think I snorted. “I have one word for you, Jack!”

  “Oh, maybe Mr. Davenport could be my free pass…if you know what I mean!” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at me while I gagged.

  “I think I just tasted vomit.”

  “I adore you, Sav!” she laughed loudly. “Now
that I’ve had my Mr. D. fix, what time are you coming tonight? I can’t celebrate my birthday without my best friend.”

  ***

  I threw my phone on my bed and raced into my bathroom. In an hour Mr. Davenport would be banging on my front door and I would be heading to Red Velvet. I would be seeing Tate. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I didn’t know what I would say or how I would react to seeing him. What I did know was that I desperately wanted to see him.

  I took extra time getting ready for the party. I wanted to look perfect. I decided on simple makeup of gold tones and pink glossy lips and I curled my long hair, allowing it to fall to the middle of my back. I ran my shaking hands down the front of my strapless black dress, which fitted my body closely and skimmed my knees, purple heels setting off my look.

  “Sav, you ready?” Mr. Davenport’s voice echoed from my living room.

  “Yep, I’m just putting on lip gloss.” I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. A smile and confidence is all I needed tonight. I could do this.

  Mr. Davenport looked up from his phone when he heard my heels clicking my polished floorboards as I walked toward him. “You look stunning, Sav.”

  “Thanks, but I’m nervous as hell.”

  “What are you nervous about?”

  “Everything. Seeing Tate, talking to Tate, being around Tate,” I admitted.

  “You need to walk in there with your head held high and see what happens. You know I’ve got your back. If for some reason you need to get out of there just say, ah, kangaroo. That can be our secret code word.”

  And that is why Mr. Davenport was the most important person in my life. He was my family and now we had a secret code word.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  As I stepped out of the cab, I heard the sound of loud music and laughter penetrating the night air outside of Red Velvet. I felt my anxiety levels rise sky-high and my stomach began to swarm with a thousand butterflies. I looked to the heavens above for comfort from my parents. Just breathe, Savannah, just breathe.

  Stevie, the burly bouncer, greeted me with a big smile at the door and wrapped his heavy arm around my shoulders. “It’s so good to see you, gorgeous girl.”

  I followed Mr. Davenport as we dodged and weaved our way through the masses of people here to celebrate Tanzi and Tate’s birthday. Like music to my ears, I heard Tate’s booming laughter before I saw him and the sound stopped me dead in my tracks. I looked toward his laughter and my heart ached. He looked gorgeous. He was wearing jeans with a plain white tee, emphasizing his muscular body, which clung in all the right places and was thin enough I could see the faint outline of his torso tattoo. His hair had grown and was scruffier than normal and he had day-old stubble. He was my kryptonite.

  My thoughts were shattered by the sound of my name. “Savannah!” Tanzi’s voice bellowed over the music.

  As if in slow motion, my eyes met with the eyes that I so desperately wanted to look at me, and now they were staring at me in utter disbelief. Tate’s face paled at the realization that I was here, in his bar, on his birthday.

  Within seconds I was surrounded by Tanzi, Jack, Lucas and Ali and was soon wrapped in a group hug. I turned back toward Tate, who was now watching me closely from across the bar and he hadn’t moved an inch.

  “Sav, what do you want to drink?” I dropped my gaze from Tate’s and looked at the smiling face of Lucas standing in front of me.

  “Tequila shots, we need tequila shots.” I looked at my friends surrounding me and they all nodded enthusiastically. This is what we did; tequila was our poison. Whenever we needed to celebrate something, it had to be with tequila. If we had a shit day at work, we would drink tequila. If we were angry at someone, we would drink tequila. All six of us. My heart dropped when I realized there were only five of us here.

  “Hang on,” I said, holding up my hand to stop. “Someone is missing.”

  I walked across the bar as my eyes began scanning the expanding crowd for Tate. There were so many people here. I found him standing by the bar in the corner, talking to woman who was strikingly beautiful and who had the same devastating blue eyes of Tanzi and Tate. She looked eerily like the twins. I walked over cautiously; he still hadn’t seen me coming. As I walked toward him, the woman with him looked over his shoulder and smiled brightly when she saw me. Tate slowly turned around and looked at me with gloomy eyes.

  The exquisite woman held her hand out to me and greeted me with a soft smile. “You must be the one and only Savannah this one has told me all about.”

  “Sav, this is my mom, Janette. Mom, this is Sav,” Tate stated quickly, and I saw his face flush slightly.

  “Oh, she is stunning, sweetie.” I felt my own cheeks flush.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Connors.” I smiled at her. I hadn’t thought his mom would be here.

  “Honey, please call me Janette. I have heard so much about you. I’ve been waiting to be able to finally meet you. This one here wouldn’t stop talking about you at Thanksgiving.”

  I looked at Tate, who was now rubbing the back of his neck nervously and avoiding my gaze.

  “Could I steal him for a minute? We’re about to have a shot for his and Tanzi’s birthday.” I looked at Tate, who was now watching me in surprise. “Actually, you are more than welcome to come and join us.”

  “Well, it’s not every day that my babies have a birthday.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd. I looked over my shoulder briefly to make sure Tate was following.

  You’re blushing, I mouthed to him with a smile.

  I am not! He mouthed back and dipped his head out of my view. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  Eight shots were lined on our usual table; I smiled at Tanzi as I walked over holding her mom’s hand with Tate following closely behind. We stood together in a circle and all grabbed our shots. I could see Mr. Davenport watching Tate closely and it somewhat comforted me.

  Jack cleared his throat. “So let’s make a toast, to the best set of twins we know and to seeing our gorgeous Sav.”

  “And to falling in love and losing the best thing that’s happened to you.” Tate looked at me before throwing back his shot. I hesitated as a silence filled the air around the group. I threw back the shot, squinting as the strong liquor slid down my throat.

  “Cheers, guys.” I watched as Tate left the group and strode through the crowd toward the bar on the far side. I turned to Ali and Tanzi, who were looking at me with wide eyes. I had no idea what just happened.

  “Well, sweetie, I hope I see you again real soon. Please let my boy talk to you. I’ve never seen him like this.” Janette leaned in giving me a quick kiss on the cheek and a pat on my shoulder. Mr. Davenport followed her through the crowd and left me with a head that was swarming with emotions; I had barely been at the party for an hour and everything was insane.

  I took a seat at our usual table and enjoyed being around my friends again. The drinks continued to flow, the laughter became louder and the tension in the air was thicker than ever. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Tate since the toast, but I felt his eyes constantly on me, causing my body to react in a way that only he could make it. I knew we had to talk, but I didn’t think this was the right place to have it out.

  I moved toward the bar to get the next round of drinks. I leaned over the bar and smiled at the familiar bar staff that all knew me by name but whose names I never knew. Tapping my nails on the bar, I read over the new cocktails menu before someone grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the bar. I knew who it was, there was no one else it could be.

  “What are you doing?” I tried to pull my hand away, but Tate’s grip became firmer. I rolled my eyes and followed him.

  He dragged me through the crowd toward his office. People were wishing him happy birthday and offering to buy him drinks but he was ignoring them. His grasp on my hand tightened as he closed the door behind us.

  “Why are you here?” he pleaded, his eyes begging me for reassurance.

 
; “I couldn’t miss Tanzi’s birthday.”

  “And me? I need you back, Sav.”

  “Tate, I trusted you with my heart. You knew what happened with Corey, but you still went dangerously close to doing the exact same thing. This whole thing with Lucas is getting old. Can you not see him sitting there fawning over Ali? Does that honestly look like someone who wants to fuck me?”

  “The problem is that everyone here wants to fuck you,” he said in defeat.

  “What? That’s bullshit, Tate,” I laughed in disbelief. “Are you going to hate and get in fights with every guy who looks in my direction?”

  “If that’s what I’ve got to do.”

  “This is pointless.” I moved toward the door but was stopped when he grabbed my wrist, pulling me back toward him, slamming me hard into his chest.

  “I love you, Savannah. I worship the ground you walk on. It’s been hell without you. It’s not that I want you; it’s that I need you. It’s as simple as that.” Tate’s eyes furrowed as he looked at me intensely. He didn’t let go of my arm and didn’t break his stare. “The only thing that got me by was the thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d come back to me. You are it for me, Sav. There will be no one else. It’s you.”

  Ripping my arm from his grasp, my brows creased in frustration. I couldn’t ignore my heart thumping hard in my chest. “You don’t love me, Tate, you just think that’s what I want to hear.”

  I stormed out the office, ignoring his pleas as he called after me. My blood was boiling and my eyes were threatening to spill with angry tears. How dare he say that to me? He had no right to make me feel like this. Every part of me wanted to run back to that office, but I couldn’t deal with this.

  “Fuck!” I screamed over the music as my frustration bubbled over. I didn’t even realize Mr. Davenport was standing beside me.

  “You really need to get your cursing in check. What did he do now?” He looked toward the bar where Tate was now standing with Jack.