Just Breathe

by Rachel Brookes

  “Fuck you, Jack,” Tate’s voice rumbled from my bedroom. I turned to look at Tate as he walked into the living room in his work uniform.

  “Are you nearly ready for New York?” Tanzi asked me.

  Mr. Davenport had called me into his office the day before with an offer I couldn’t refuse. The New York office of Beautify had personally requested me for a month to oversee the launch of the teen offshoot of the magazine. It was an opportunity that I had been waiting for and Mr. Davenport had already agreed that I was going much to Tate’s annoyance.

  “I’m not letting her go,” Tate said abruptly.

  “Yeah, this is such an amazing opportunity. I’ll be back though. Maybe someone from the PR department will need to come to New York. Let me work on Mr. Davenport. You and me in New York would be freaking awesome.”

  “Do I need to expect my girlfriend to be drunk on tequila tonight? Can I leave her in your capable hands, Sav?” Jack asked as he kissed Tanzi.

  “I’m not drinking, Jack. I’ve got a 5 a.m. conference call tomorrow. I don’t want to be known as the hung over chick from the L.A. office,” I laughed softly.

  “Maybe that would make them cancel your trip.” I heard Tate mumble under his breath. I looked at him and sighed. He looked so dejected. I made my way toward him and wrapped my arms tightly around him from behind.

  “It won’t be forever,” I remarked.

  “Well, it will feel like forever.” He turned around and wrapped his arms around my neck. He looked at my lips before kissing me tenderly. I could kiss this man for hours on end and still not get enough of him.

  “Can I just say for the billionth time that I am so freaking excited to watch you two kissing.” Three sets of eyes flashed at Tanzi after she spoke. That girl was known to speak before thinking.

  Jack’s booming laughter flooded my living room. “Urgh, Tanzi that sounds a bit incestuous. You basically just said you love watching your brother make out.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” Tanzi whined and shook her head vigorously, causing her hair to make whipping sounds. Jack, Tate and I couldn’t contain our laughter.

  “Shut up, all of you!!”

  “Come on. I need to say goodbye to you in another room so my sister can’t perve on us any longer.” Tate grabbed my hand and pulled me toward my bedroom. “And no looking through the keyhole, Tanzi.”

  “Fuck you, Tate!” I heard Tanzi say as he closed the bedroom door behind us.

  ***

  I stood in my bathroom in shock. How could this be happening? How could this be true? There was no way this could be real. I felt myself begin to panic at the reality of what could be happening.

  With shaky hands, I grabbed my phone off the vanity and looked at the dates. I was late; I was so very late, how had I not realized? The craziness of the past two months, the stress of work, the exhilaration of Tate had led to not realizing I was late. I was an example of what every doctor around the world would cringe at, a young woman too caught up in life and having incredible sex with her boyfriend to worry about when she missed her period or in my case two periods.

  I looked at myself in the mirror in utter disbelief. I was twenty-two, I was in a new yet intense relationship, I had a career that was just getting off the ground, I was due to fly out to New York and here I was on the brink of having my life completely shift off its axis. I, Savannah Rae, was late and I was never late.

  I turned around and leaned on the doorframe, looking back into my bedroom. I grinned as Tate snuggled into the pillow I had just left. His bare back was glistening in the morning sunshine that was sweeping through my blinds. Could I possibly be carrying this man’s child? Everything between us had moved at such a fast pace, but that was us. We weren’t conventional and we would break every rule that was thrown at us. As Tate would say, we were beautifully broken. I loved him with all that I had. We had made each other live again. I still felt like a stalker when I would stare at him like this, but I couldn’t help myself. I could stare at him for hours. I found everything about him beautiful. I loved the way he looked first thing in the morning and the sweet words he would whisper late at night. I loved the way he would make me crave him by a single look, but mostly I loved the way he loved me. And now I may be carrying his child, even more reason to love him.

  I lifted the comforter and climbed back into bed beside him and his masculine arm instantly wrapped around me while his lips found my neck. I curled my body around his and nuzzled as close as possible to him.

  “I’m going to miss this body,” he whispered and I sighed at his words.

  “I love you, Tate Connors.” I rolled to my stomach, placing my chin on his chest. He opened his sleepy eyes and looked down at me while his fingers drew patterns on my bare back.

  “I could tell you that I love you, but honestly, Sav, it’s so much more than that.” His lips kissed the tip of my nose ever so lightly and he stared at me for what seemed like forever. He studied my face as his fingertips continued to run over my back softly. My mind was racing at a million miles an hour. If this was meant to be in my destiny, if I was carrying a tiny little person, then there was no one else I’d rather do this with.

  It had been five days since I first started the crazy thought that I might be pregnant. Tanzi had shrieked like a piglet when I told her over coffee two days ago. Her excitement exhilarated my thoughts and I couldn’t help but already think of what life could be like. Tanzi was promised to secrecy, as I didn’t want to tell Tate until I was certain. Tanzi took it amazingly well and had already started planning my baby shower and looking online at baby clothes that she was going to buy. She had even left a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting on my desk at work; once again her ability to be subtle was non-existent.

  The doctor’s office was bright white with a view of downtown Los Angeles. The walls were lined with photos of children, instantly causing my heart to swell. I was nervous as hell and I knew that whatever the doctor told me would change my life forever. I had come in two days earlier for a blood test and today I was getting my results.

  Doctor Johnson walked into the room with a smile whilst carrying a manila folder that contained my future. Tanzi shifted in her seat beside me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly. I looked at my best friend and smiled, I was so glad she was here with me.

  “How are you feeling, Miss Rae?” I watched as she opened the manila folder and scanned the pages. The waiting was killing me. I just wanted to know.

  “I am feeling fine, thank you, a little tired but okay,” I replied anxiously.

  “Okay, so I’m sure you want to know the results of your tests.”

  All I could do was nod.

  “Miss Rae, you are ten weeks pregnant.”

  I heard Tanzi gasp beside me before I felt her body shake. The room felt like it was swallowing me whole. The world was noisy and crazy right at this moment. I, Savannah Rae, was having a baby.

  “Sweetie, you are having a baby. I am going to be an aunt. Tate’s going to be a dad.” Tanzi grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a hug. I was numb, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t comprehend this.

  Doctor Johnson took me into a room where she organized an ultrasound and I got my first glimpse of my baby. I could never explain the emotions that ran through me as I saw the tiny heartbeat of a life Tate and I had created. I didn’t focus on anything beside the screen in front of me, the screen showing me everything that was good in the world. Doctor Johnson handed me pamphlets, booked in a future appointment and gave me a list of websites to visit. I was numb. Tanzi stepped into her aunt role straight away and began chatting to the doctor on my behalf. I clutched on to the ultrasound photo as it was now my most prized possession.

  “Can I buy our baby a present?” Tanzi asked sweetly. I laughed as she called the baby “our baby.” I knew she already loved the little person growing in me and she was clearly giddy already. It was all so surreal, but I couldn’t contain my excitement.

  “Tanzi, I’m
having a baby!” I squealed as all my emotions bubbled over.

  “I’m going to be an aunt!” she replied excitedly.

  Tanzi and I spent the next five minutes in the car park crying, laughing, gushing over the baby, crying some more and then silence.

  “You are going to be one of those aunties, aren’t you?” I laughed as we hopped into her car and made our way through Los Angeles. I could see that we weren’t going back to the apartment, and I knew exactly where she was taking me as signs for The Grove came into view.

  “Damn straight I am. I am going to smother her with kisses and hugs. I’m going to buy her whatever she wants. We’ll have sleepovers. I’ll even buy her a god damn pony if she wants it! Best aunt ever!”

  I clutched my stomach as a deep laugh consumed me. “Uhh, Tanzi, how do you know I’m having a girl?”

  “I just know, okay?”

  “Well, please don’t buy anything pink until we know for sure.” Tanzi rolled her eyes at me before focusing back on the road.

  I didn’t know how long Tanzi could keep the news.

  I needed to tell Tate.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Summer nights in Los Angeles were spectacular, although tonight was going to be beyond spectacular in so many ways. Tonight I was telling Tate we were having a baby. I sat beside him in his jeep trying so desperately to hide the smile that was begging to sweep across my face. The thought of him being a dad was amazing; he was stubborn, strong, hardworking and determined, but then he was soft, caring, protective and loving. He was the perfect combination. I couldn’t wait any longer to tell him. It had only been hours ago that the doctor had given me the words that had changed my life. All I wanted was to be able to shout our news to the world. His hand lingered on my thigh, while his thumb massaged my bare skin just below the hem of my skirt as he pulled into the car park when we arrived at Santa Monica Pier. It was our place, and there was no other place where I wanted to tell him he was going to become a dad.

  “I have such great memories of this place with you. Well, besides the Ferris wheel incident. Never again, Sav.” He laughed as we walked along the boardwalk hand in hand.

  “You’ll be back up there…guaranteed.” I laughed softly.

  “You’re kidding yourself.”

  I entwined my fingers with his as we walked peacefully along the beach. Tate always needed to touch me and I loved it. Whether it was holding my hand, tucking my hair behind my ear or giving me a quick kiss as he walked past me when he was working, it was something I coveted. The sun was beginning to set over the Pacific Ocean and the shards of fading sunlight were glistening on the water; the perfect way to end the best day of my life. There were still plenty of people enjoying the end of a beautiful day in California, and I couldn’t help but be drawn to look at the young children playing by the water’s edge. My nerves were growing by the second. What I was about to tell Tate was going to change his life.

  “Let’s sit for a while,” I suggested when we reached the sand near the Ferris wheel. Tate looked over my shoulder and shook his head.

  “I can’t believe you took me on that. I should have realized I was in love with you then. I faced my god damn fears for you,” he scoffed as he pulled me down beside him. My nerves went into overdrive.

  I felt my mouth go dry and I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t back out of this. I nervously ran my fingers through the sand and turned toward him. “You know I love you, right? I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before.”

  The color drained from Tate’s face and he grabbed my hand and pulled it to his lips, lightly kissing my palm. “Savannah, please don’t do this. I can’t lose you,” he pleaded, his voice panicked.

  “Hey,” I cooed at him. I leaned over and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. “You aren’t losing me, if anything, you are actually about to gain more of me.” I smiled at my words as confusion swept over his face.

  I scooted closer to him. “What do you see when you look at me, Tate?”

  “Is this a trick question?” He looked at me suspiciously with a grin spreading across his perfect lips. I shook my head and held my breath as he began to speak. “I see my future, the love of my life, my gorgeous Savannah, and I pray that I am looking at the future Mrs. Tate Connors,” he answered quietly while my heart was beating rapidly in my chest. “Oh, and of course I see my partner in crime, the best kisser in the world, and I’m not even going to mention the sex.” He winked at me seductively and I couldn’t contain the sigh escaping my lips. He truly was Mr. Perfection.

  I took a deep breath and knew that this was the time. “Do you see the mother of your children?” I blurted out and I felt him stiffen beside me.

  “Tate, I am ten weeks pregnant. We’re having a baby,” I whispered and dropped my eyes while I fumbled through my bag for the ultrasound picture. It was a relief to have finally said it, but this made it so much more real. The smile that I had been holding in finally was able to be unleashed and my cheeks ached in pure happiness.

  “What?” he stammered, and as I lifted my eyes I noticed the color from his face. I shifted closer to him, wanting nothing more than to break the distance between us. I could see the shock overcoming him. He was becoming anxious. I placed my legs over his and sighed as his hand quickly graced my thigh and pulled me closer to him.

  “I’m having your baby. You’re going to be a dad, Tate.” I handed him the photo and watched his eyes narrow in on it. “That’s our baby Tate.”

  I could tell that my words weren’t sinking in, and I felt panicked as I saw him shake his head slowly. The thought of him freaking out and running flashed through my head but that couldn’t happen. I couldn’t let that happen. He always said I was the one who would run, but now I could see him looking to escape. He needed to believe this.

  I grabbed his hand and placed it lightly on my stomach in a desperate attempt to make him believe. His gaze dropped to his hand and then he looked back at me with eyes glistening with tears. I sighed as he slowly lifted my shirt and placed his shaky hand on my bare skin, rubbing my belly with his thumb in a protective manner. His fingertips lingered on my skin as his eyes softened as realization began to hit.

  “I am so scared, Sav. I can’t be my father. The thought of doing to you what my father did to my mom scares me too much,” Tate whispered so low that I almost didn’t hear him. He stood up and began frantically wiping the back of his jeans to get the sand off.

  I stood up quickly and moved toward him. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Calm down.” I placed my hands on either side of his face so he would look at me. He looked petrified and I could see that his eyes were slowly welling with tears. His was heartbreakingly beautiful.

  “I can’t disappoint you, Sav. I can’t be him. You’re my world!” he repeated as if he were trying to convince himself as a single tear ran down his cheek.

  “I’m scared too, Tate. We are so young but I am not going to be anything but happy about this. This is our baby Tate, we created this little person.” I took his shaking hand in mine and placed it over my flat stomach again to try and make this real to him.

  “We’re having a baby?” Tate whispered trying so desperate to let it sink in. His eyes dropped to his hands and I saw a glimmer of a smile on his lips.

  “We’re having a baby,” I replied with a smile.

  I wrapped my arms around him and cuddled into him. He didn’t hesitate as his arms snaked around my waist and held me closely, gripping me like his life depended on it and burying his face into my hair.

  “You will not be your dad, Tate. You’ll be an amazing father,” I said softly into his chest. I could hear his heart pounding and his hands gripped my waist tighter at my words.

  “I don’t know. I’m just freaking out.” I looked up at him and he finally gave me a smile. I started feeling my heart rate come back to a healthy beat. We could do this.

  “I’m freaking out too. But you’ve got to admit, you and me as parents…this kid is going to be fr
eaking lucky.” I winked at him before we walked hand in hand back to his jeep in silence. I wanted to get him home and I knew I had to tell Mr. Davenport.

  “As long as our baby is a mini version of you, I’ll be happy.”

  “I want our baby to have your eyes,” I cooed as I tightened my arms around him. “And your perfect lips.”

  Tate pulled away but still had his arms locked around me. “I want our baby to have your everything.”

  “Always swooning me, Tate Connors.”

  “I need to speak with Tanzi,” he said suddenly. I could feel him starting to panic again and it scared me when he spoke with no emotion in his voice. He was too hard to read on the best of days but now as he stood in front of me as sheer panic swept over him it was impossible.

  I was seeing the same fear in his eyes that I saw when he spoke of his past, and I couldn’t help but feel scared by it. I breathed out as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his body. “I just need to speak with Tanzi,” he spoke into my hair as he reassured my running mind. His arms around my nervous body were providing the comfort I needed.

  “Okay, but can I stay with you tonight?” I said, almost begging for him to say yes.

  He lifted his face from the confines of my neck and looked at me with those baby blues that so often tore me apart. “Why wouldn’t you stay with me? I can’t sleep if you aren’t beside me.”

  “Are you happy?” I muttered before biting my lip anxiously and working up the courage to look at him. It was the question that could either rip apart my heart or cause it to soar to all new heights.

  “I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m anxious. I’m panicking. But you make me happy, Sav. We are so young, but when have you and I ever done anything conventional? I’m having a baby with you, so I’m happy, can I see the photo again?” he asked softly. I handed him the photo and he leaned against his jeep and looked at it closely, I didn’t dare tell him that he was looking at it upside down. His eyes flashed to mine and they were smiling at me. He took a step towards me and he kissed me deeply. The car park was abandoned and it only added to the moment. The kiss was intense and desperate. My arms wrapped around his neck, pushing his mouth closer to mine as our tongues collided. I loved kissing him. Every kiss I shared with him had the intensity of a first kiss. His hips pounded into mine as he pushed me against his car. His body was telling me that he was enjoying this kiss.