The World According to Vince - A romantic comedy (Gym or Chocolate Book 2)

by Stuart Reardon

  “Everyone ready?” I asked softly.

  Cady took a deep breath. “Never been readier.”

  There was a gentle tap at the door and I opened it to find Cady’s father standing there in his tux, looking handsome and nervous.

  When he saw Cady, he gasped, his eyes wide, then his face crumpled and Cady ran into his arms.

  “Don’t cry, Dad,” she sobbed.

  His shoulders shook silently as he hugged his daughter, and I glanced at Rachel as her own eyes glittered with tears.

  “Sandy,” she whispered after a minute had passed. “Darling, you’ll spoil her dress.”

  Mr. Callaghan unpeeled himself from his daughter and blew his nose loudly. I helped Cady dry her own tears and dabbed on loose powder the way Nerissa had showed me. I was so glad that she and Nancy were waiting for us in the ladies powder room outside the Rainbow Room. We were all going to need their help.

  Mr. Callaghan gave Cady a watery smile and then held out his arm.

  “Let’s get you to the ball, princess.”

  I checked that Rachel had Cady’s train, and I carried her bouquet of white roses tied with blue silk, and my own, slightly smaller bouquet.

  We left the hotel suite and found that a member of staff held the elevator just for our party, congratulating Cady discreetly, and at the lobby, all the reception staff stopped what they were doing and applauded Cady who was beaming happily.

  Several guests joined in and others filmed us on their phones.

  The doorman escorted Cady and her father to the waiting vintage Rolls Royce and helped her inside without creasing her dress.

  Thirty Rockefeller Plaza was opposite our hotel, but still not walking distance: not in heels and definitely not in a very beautiful wedding dress.

  “See you there!” I called to her.

  “You’d better be!” she laughed.

  “Right behind you, sister!”

  Pedestrians stared at the Roller with its white wedding ribbon fluttering on the front, and Cady smiled and waved.

  Rachel and I had a very comfortable town car to ourselves, following behind the bride and her father.

  The other members of Cady’s family and the rest of the wedding party should already be in place. I pulled out my phone and checked a few things off the schedule until Rachel took my hand and made me put my phone away.

  “Everything’s fine, Grace. You’ve done an amazing job and it’s going to be a beautiful wedding. The Rainbow Room events coordinator will take care of everything now. It’s time to enjoy yourself.”

  “Sorry, I can’t help it,” I said sheepishly. “I just want everything to be perfect.”

  “I know, sweetheart, and it will be as near perfect as possible because pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work, and you have put your heart and soul into this for Cady. Whatever happens next, all the rest is just life, so enjoy every moment of it.”

  Vince

  I stood outside the Rainbow Room with Rick while he swallowed nervously.

  “Have you got the rings?” he asked for the hundredth time.

  “Of course, mate, right here,” I said, patting my pocket.

  He was so tightly wound I could hear him ticking. I couldn’t bring myself to pretend I’d left the rings in the hotel room or dropped them down the bog.

  He nodded distractedly and glanced down at the crumpled sheet where he’d written his wedding vows. I knew this because I’d heard him practice them at least fifty times this morning, and they were only three lines long.

  “Mate,” I said gently. “It’s time to go inside. The woman of your dreams will be arriving in a minute and it wouldn’t be a great start if Cady caught you out here looking shiftier than the gearstick on a boy racer’s Ford Fiesta.”

  Rick blinked, then nodded and straightened his shoulders.

  “Have you got the rings?” he asked for the hundredth-and-first time.

  “Yep, still got ‘em, right here in my pocket and safer than a squirrel’s nuts.”

  He frowned. “What does that mean?”

  “It means, you tosser, that it’s time to get married,” and I opened the doors to the Rainbow Room and pushed him inside. Then pulled him back out when I remembered that at a Jewish-Interfaith wedding, Rick had to walk in a procession with all the parentals.

  “Just checking everyone’s there,” I said casually, leading him toward the waiting room where Rabbi Lisa was already chatting to the four chuppah bearers: Ben, Leon, Cady’s Uncle Gerald, and her friend from work, a dude named Oliver who was also the producer on her radio show.

  “Hello, Rick,” said Rabbi Lisa, greeting him warmly and shaking his hand. “And Vincent! How lovely to see you again.”

  “Looking foxy, Rabbi,” I said, winking at her.

  She gave me a strange look, but was distracted by Rick’s parents arriving, as well as Cady’s mum.

  “Cady and her dad are outside,” said Rachel with a huge smile, “but she doesn’t want Rick to see her before the wedding.”

  “Well, okay then. Everyone else here?” asked Rabbi Lisa. “Ready to go?”

  She led the way with the four chuppah bearers carrying the tent-like structure. Apparently it represented the Garden of Eden—and I’d gone through 35 years of life and never known that Adam and Eve had invented camping.

  We were next in the procession with Rick’s parents and Cady’s mum behind us. Because it was an interfaith marriage, Rick and Cady had taken pieces from both Jewish and Christian wedding services. It was a good thing we’d had the rehearsal yesterday, because the British contingent were all over the place. None of us had a clue where we were supposed to be, and Sandy and Rachel had to keep prodding us into the right positions.

  Rick stood at the front of the room under the chuppah, his face unmoving and I wasn’t entirely sure he was breathing either. I poked him in the ribs.

  “What?” he hissed out of the side of his mouth.

  “Smile, you twat!”

  He grimaced, but then the doors to the Rainbow Room opened again with the wedding march music, and Cady entered on her father’s arm—then Rick couldn’t stop grinning. She looked really nice, but not as hot as my Gracie walking behind her holding a small bouquet of white roses.

  She looked like a goddess and way out of my league. But then she saw me and smiled. I was so proud, I felt like the first Martian to walk on the moon.

  Rabbi Lisa raised her hands and everyone behind us sat down.

  Sandy handed Cady over to Rick, and they smiled at each other like there was no one else in the room. I was really happy for them, the soppy pair.

  “Dear friends and family, on behalf of Cady and Rick, welcome and thank you for being here,” said Rabbi Lisa. “They are thrilled that you can share their joy during this wonderful moment in their lives. The greatest happiness of life is knowing that we are loved, loved for who we are.”

  My mouth dropped open. That was fookin’ awesome! And true—to be loved for who we are. I felt those words in every part of me. I was definitely going to hire Rabbi Lisa for my wedding.

  The rest of the ceremony, I was in a daze, wishing that it was me and Gracie standing in front of our friends and making that commitment. I drifted off in a fookin’ awesome daydream, then woke up when Rick started speaking.

  “I, Rick, take you, Cady, to be my wife through all the years. I will honor you, protect you, help and support you, and I will never let the cookie jar be empty. I promise to always love you. This is my solemn vow.”

  I sniggered softly, but Rick was staring into Cady’s eyes, both of them wearing the daftest matching smiles.

  “I, Cady, take you, Rick, to be my husband. I will honor you, protect you, help and support you, I will train with you, make you laugh every day, and always share my lemon-glazed donuts with you. I promise to always love you. This is my solemn vow.”

  Rabbi Lisa smiled at them both. “You have declared your consent before this gathering. May the Lord strengthen this consent and fill y
ou both with his blessings. Do you have the rings?”

  We all stood there silently until Rick turned around and glared at me.

  “Rings! Right! Sorry, got completely caught up in the moment. Nice vows, mate!”

  And I placed the rings onto the velvet cushion.

  Rabbi Lisa blessed the rings, then Rick and Cady did their thing, and we were at the candle-lighting part.

  The two mums stepped up and each lit a candle, and Rick and Cady lit the third together. I liked these Jewish traditions—they were well cool.

  Rabbi Lisa stepped forward and said the magic words, “I now pronounce you man and wife, and you may seal your vows with a kiss.”

  Rick scooped Cady into a real, old fashioned Hollywood smoocheroo. It was epic! I didn’t know he had it in him. He must have picked up a few tips from me over the years after all. I cheered louder than anyone.

  And then Rick smashed a glass on the floor and Cady stomped it into smithereens.

  “Mazel tov!” we all yelled.

  I’d been to weddings where there had been breakages before, but not where it was deliberate. Still, the night was young.

  Then the wedding party signed the ketubah, a marriage contract, which spelled out the duties and obligations of the bride and groom, and I was a witness along with Grace. I liked seeing our names together. I liked it a lot. Then Rick and Cady signed the official marriage register.

  I’d planned to tell Grace how beautiful she looked, but the words got caught on my tongue and didn’t make it out of my mouth. I stood there like a love-struck fool just gazing at her.

  “Gracie, Grace,” I choked out. “You … you … fook me, you’re so hot, talk about global warming!”

  Her forehead wrinkled before she burst out laughing. “Thank you, Vince. You look great, too.”

  It hadn’t been quite the compliment I’d intended to pay her, but good enough, and we stood there holding hands like a couple of muppets, if muppets had hands and not trotters … or maybe that was just Miss Piggy. She was hot, too.

  After that, we posed for a thousand photos while the photographer made sure everyone in the wedding party was pictured with Rick and Cady.

  Finally, we were finished, and everyone was ready for the real party to get started. I’d heard that Jewish weddings could get a bit crazy. I was really looking forward to that because I was loving all of this; I’d even wondered if I had a bit of Jewish in my family tree. And then I wished I hadn’t had that thought because I was an orphan and had nobody left to ask. But before I could get too sad, Grace touched my arm gently.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Never better,” I grinned, and kissed the back of her hand.

  “You can tell me,” she persisted. “You know that, right?”

  I shrugged. “Just thinking about my parents,” I admitted.

  She squeezed my fingers, letting her warmth and kindness flow into me. I lapped it up like a starving dog.

  Then the music began and some bloke started warbling Hava Nagila. All the men dived into the middle of the room and I started to follow when … woah! The dancefloor was spinning! That was wicked! I sidled over to the events coordinator who’d introduced herself when we’d arrived; Jenna, I think her name was.

  “This is great!” I said, nodding at the slowly rotating floor.

  “Yes, we’re very proud of it here in the Rainbow Room—it was first installed in 1934.”

  “Can it go any faster?” I asked. “That would be a laugh.”

  She gave me a chilly look before she walked away, stating, “It’s not a carnival ride, sir.”

  Huh. No sense of fun, some people.

  I sprinted back to the circle in the middle and pushed my way in next to Rick as we danced around the room.

  “This is brilliant!” I yelled above the noise.

  Rick grinned widely, but his eyes were on Cady who was being hoisted up in a chair by the chuppah bearers, and as they heaved her up and down, it looked like the chair was dancing. Four more of us hoisted Rick up, and he was no lightweight either. My mate was 200 pounds of muscle, the bastard.

  The chair dipped up and down, and I broke into a sweat as we danced around the room. I saw Gracie laughing and cheering, and I managed a quick smile as we staggered past. Then Cady started waving her hanky in the air and I remembered that Rick had to grab it so they could jig about joined together.

  We danced over there, sweating like politicians with a polygraph test. Every time Rick tried to grab Cady’s hanky, he lurched forward and nearly fell off his chair, then leaned back gripping onto the seat, wild-eyed and desperate.

  Cady laughed like a blocked drain, waving her hanky at him furiously.

  And then she leaned too far toward Rick, flailing that damned hanky.

  I could see that she was going; I could see her falling, so I ditched Rick to the three losers staggering along without me, and dived toward Cady.

  It was like something out of a Tarantino film—the slo-mo bit before everyone gets iced in gory detail.

  I caught Cady in my arms but got splatted on the floor as she landed on top of me, knocking the air from my lungs.

  Rick came racing over, scooping her up as she laughed helplessly. I was glad someone was having a good time.

  I was left on the floor like yesterday’s laundry, wheezing louder than a pair of rusty bellows.

  Suddenly, an angel descended from heaven and passed me a glass of champagne.

  “Vince! Are you alive down there?” asked Gracie, half laughing, half serious.

  “Oomph,” I huffed, sitting up without spilling a drop.

  “You’ve got some smooth moves, mister!” she laughed.

  “Yeah?” I asked, wobbling to my feet. “You ain’t seen nothing yet. I’m culturally aware! Watch this!”

  And I downed the champagne, leapt into the middle of the revolving dancefloor and started doing the Jewish dance that I’d learned off of YouTube.

  “What’s he doing?” Cady yelled to Gracie who shook her head.

  “Um, it looks like Riverdance,” Rick shouted over the music.

  I kicked my legs up again, wondering if I’d watched the wrong video.

  “Did he hurt his head, too?” Cady sniggered.

  “You’re doing Irish dancing!” Gracie shouted out, as Rick and Cady laughed their arses off.

  It looked like I might have made a small snafu, but since I had an audience, I finished my dance and got a round of applause anyway.

  “What did you think?” I asked Gracie, as I wiped the sweat off my forehead.

  “You’re crazy!” she laughed. “And absolutely wonderful!”

  And because I agreed, I kissed her soundly until I got another round of applause.

  Then I offered her my arm, and had the extreme pleasure of escorting her to the top table where we were sitting with Rick, Cady, and their parents, so the meal could be served.

  “Shall we chuck these plates on the floor before or after we eat?” I asked. “I guess after makes more sense.”

  Gracie slapped my arm and rolled her eyes. “You smash plates at Greek weddings. Please try not to break anything—these dishes cost $70 each: I checked.”

  “Oh, okay. Fair enough. Pity, though. I was look forward to a bit more mayhem.”

  “You do fine already on that front,” she laughed, which I took as a compliment.

  And then I kissed her again. Just because.

  The room spun away and the only noise I could hear was the rushing of blood in my head and charging through my body. I could feel every strand of her silky hair under my fingers, and I could sense the heat quivering between us.

  Eventually, Cady’s mum coughed, and Gracie pulled away, her fingers trailing across my cheek.

  “Wow,” I whispered. “I want to do a lot more of that.”

  “We’ll see,” she said, slightly breathless. “You can take your yarmulke off now if you want. I’m amazed it’s stayed on, to be honest, what with all your cavorting on the dancef
loor.”

  “That was dancing, not cavorting,” I winked at her. “I only cavort in bed.”

  She laughed again but turned pink, too. I loved making her laugh. I loved making her blush even more.

  “Anyway,” I said, “I glued it on. I’ll have to cut it off later.”

  She gaped at me, then snorted inelegantly. “Only you, Vincent. Only you.”

  The servers started bringing out the meal, which was great because I was starving. But I lost my appetite a little when I saw the mini lamb cutlets that were being placed in front of everyone else.

  I tried not to squint, but Gracie promised me that a vegan menu had been made especially for me, and something with beetroot and tofu was placed down in front of me. It wasn’t bad.

  Rabbi Lisa said a blessing, then we all started noshing as the serious drinking began. Gracie laid a gentle hand on my arm as I emptied my champagne glass in one go because I was so thirsty.

  “Better go easy on that, champ; we both have speeches to give during the meal—you don’t want to be too slurred!”

  I grinned at her. “Nah, I’ll be fine. I’ve been practicing,” and I patted my pocket. Then I patted it again as my stomach dropped through my stylish vegan shoes.

  “What’s wrong?” Gracie asked as the MC asked for silence.

  “I left my speech in the back pocket of my jeans!” I admitted, horror making me hoarse.

  “Is this a joke?” she hissed.

  I shook my head, paralyzed with shame as the MC turned to grin at me.

  “And now the best man’s speech,” he announced.

  “You’ll have to wing it,” Gracie whispered, pushing me to my feet. “Just … oh God … just be yourself, but not too much!”

  “You go first,” I begged, pleading with my eyes, “and I’ll nip back to the hotel and get it.”

  “My speech isn’t that long!”

  I groaned. “Please, Gracie. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll … I’ll try to remember what I was going to say. I’ll write it on the tablecloth.”

  I cleared my throat as everyone turned to stare at me.

  “Because I’m a gentleman—or that’s what my mum told me once after drinking a bottle of Cinzano—I’m going to let the gorgeous maid of honor, Gracie Cooper, go first.”