The World According to Vince - A romantic comedy (Gym or Chocolate Book 2)

by Stuart Reardon

  Rick was frowning and Cady was staring at me questioningly. I gave her a weak smile.

  Standing gracefully, my girl smiled at the audience and began speaking without missing a beat—she was brilliant.

  “I’ve known Cady since I was 18 years old, a freshman in college. She was loud, funny, confident, daring, adventurous and challenging—and none of that’s changed. What I didn’t know that first day but have since learned, is that she’s also kind, caring, unfailingly loyal and an all-around amazing woman. She took pity on a gawky, awkward kid, and allowed me to hang out with her for the next twenty years. I was welcomed into her family, too, with Rachel, Sandy and Davy, and Cady became the sister I’d never had. But she has two weaknesses—or maybe that’s three, now she’s marrying Rick!” and she smiled at him.

  Thankfully, Rick was no longer glaring at me like I’d be sleeping with the fishes. Which was good, because I had plans for tonight.

  “Cady’s first weakness is that you can dare her to do anything and she’ll do it. Whether it’s to eat three-dozen donuts at a single sitting before dancing the twist on a table in a restaurant, or swimming with sharks, or talking live on air to seven million people every morning! Anything. Last year she was dared to run the New York marathon. She had to endure months of people laughing and saying she’d never do it, but they didn’t know our girl. Not only did she finish the marathon but she raised over a quarter of a million dollars for veterans charities. Pretty amazing, right?”

  I clapped along with everyone else because holy shit! Thirty-six donuts in one go? The woman was a legend.

  “Cady’s second weakness is lemon-glazed donuts, which you may have guessed by now. Cady, hon, I don’t think I’m giving away secrets here!” and Gracie pointed at the wedding cake which was chocolate, perched on a massive mound of multi-colored donuts, and with two little figures in icing laying on a giant donut-shaped double bed.

  Cady laughed and shrugged.

  “And of course now we all know that Cady’s biggest weakness is for a certain Manhattan gym owner who also happens to run marathons, and has been inducted into the lemon-donut appreciation society.”

  I wondered if that was a real thing, because it sounded fun.

  Gracie drew a deep breath and turned to talk directly to the bride.

  “Cady, thank you for the privilege of being your maid of honor, but most of all, thank you for the privilege of being your friend for so many years. Love you, hon.”

  The two women hugged and whispered tearfully to each other as the crowd applauded. I wanted to grab Gracie and hug her too, but I knew that she had more to say.

  Wiping her tears but still smiling, she turned back to the wedding guests.

  “And thanks to all of you for being here today to celebrate with Cady and Rick. I think we can all agree that we have awesome taste in friends.” Then she turned to the happy couple again with more tears in her eyes and a hitch in her voice. “Cady, Rick, when I look at the two of you I see the love you have for each other; I see the joy you share in so many ordinary moments in each day; and I see a long and happy future for you as husband and wife. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to toast the bride and groom, Cady and Rick. Mazel Tov!”

  Everyone stood and roared their names. The two grandmas had to be helped to their feet by Ben and Leon because they were completely sloshed.

  “You were brilliant,” I said kissing the tears off her cheeks as Gracie sat down.

  She smiled and kissed me back.

  Grace

  Finally, with nothing left to say, I leaned back in my chair, watching helplessly as Vince lurched to his feet and stood motionless in front of the wedding guests. I prayed that his natural exuberance and showmanship would save the day, and it hadn’t escaped my attention that half the wedding party had been talking about the Canine Crusader as a modern urban legend, but right now, the legend wasn’t moving … unless you counted the wobble and loud hiccup, like a man who’d been up all night partying and drinking all day … which he pretty much had.

  Vince blinked, opened his mouth and hiccupped again.

  “You can do it,” I whispered encouragingly as I stared up at his frozen face.

  He glanced down at me, then gave a huge smile.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, family, friends and freeloaders…”

  He was off, unstoppable, on a roll, and I relaxed into my seat, taking deep breaths to calm my jangled nerves and collect my scattered emotions.

  “We are gathered here today…”

  “Oh man! It’s the Canine Crusader!” yelped one of the wedding guests. “You’re awesome, dude!”

  Vince looked over at his fan, gave his trademark smirk and raised his champagne glass.

  “Yep, that’s me! Cheers!”

  Everyone raised their glasses with him as Vince took another gulp of champagne. I rubbed my forehead.

  “Fook it! What was I saying? Fook it! Um, sorry, did I say that out loud? Shit! Sorry! Oh, bugger, I might as well be honest as I recognize a few faces among the guests from last night’s shenanigans at the rehearsal dinner. Nana Dubicki, what were you doing with that bottle of brandy in your purse? Grandma Callaghan, I’m sorry I couldn’t escort you home last night—I have my reputation to think about. But what a night … totally mental! The Canine Crusader likes to party—all the grandmothers say so—totally hardcore! And it’s true, I had all the good intentions of writing a well thought out speech last night as any best man would, and I did. Had it in me hand this morning, but one thing led to another and I ended up getting completely pissed as a fart instead, and yes you’re right in thinking I haven’t been to sleep … straight through no brew! That’s how the Canine Crusader rolls!” and he howled like a wolf.

  Half the guests were shaking with laughter, and the other half looked utterly nonplussed.

  Rick dropped his head into his hands, muttering, “Oh my God, somebody stop him.”

  “No way,” laughed, Cady. “Your nutso friend is totally out of control. I love it!”

  Vince slapped Rick across the back of the head, “But let me tell you about this guy. To look at him, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, he’s soooo cool, but let me tell you about the time I helped him clean his apartment after a chocolate-fetish-sex party with the bride...”

  Cady choked then raised her hands as if to say, Yep, you got me there, it’s all true.

  “Charlie and the chocolate factory would have been impressed with this little spectacle, that’s all I’m saying,” continued Vince, a runaway juggernaut crashing through this upscale wedding, wearing a smile that would make the angels weep. “Chocolate and random fruit everywhere—bed sheets, walls, floor.” He lowered his voice as if speaking confidentially to the assembled guests. “Now, the Canine Crusader likes to party, but the clean up on this one, blimey! Two days we were cleaning that apartment. A little tip, guys, plastic sheets for the next one, you horny chocosexaholics.”

  Vince winked at Cady who stood up and took a bow, as applause and laughter thundered around her. Rick still had his head in his hands, moaning softly.

  “If their first baby’s name is Cocoa, we’ll all know why … ‘cause chocosexaholic is too long!”

  He chuckled at his own joke while Rick’s parents looked on in bemused confusion.

  “More champagne please, buddy!” Vince held up his glass to a passing waiter. “Thank you, sir,” he said, taking another long gulp and emptying half the glass in one go. “And keep it coming. Umm, where was I? We are gathered here today to celebrate Cady and Rick’s wedding, aka, the chocosexaholics. But I’m sure everyone will agree with me, how beautiful Cady looks. Raise a glass to the sexy bride.”

  Half the guests toasted, the Sexy Bride, and the rest just said, the Bride, either because they didn’t think Cady looked sexy, or more probably because they’d known her since she was in diapers, and it didn’t seem appropriate.

  “And don’t forget Rick’s mum!” Vince bellowed. “Sheila, you’re looking
as beautiful as ever, and if I was 40 years older, Rick, my boy, you could be my son. Please raise a glass to the bride and groom’s parents.”

  Once again, the guests obeyed, although several were shaking their heads disapprovingly. The rest were helpless with laughter, and I saw several dabbing at tears in their eyes and choking on bubbles.

  “Thank you for all turning up for the free meal and champagne, you cheapskates,” Vince grinned at his audience. “Just kidding! Now, let’s squash the elephant in the room or should I say lion? Rick’s stag night was eventful: strip joints, booze, Broadway shows, lions … but for the record, we didn’t steal the lion. Honest!”

  Vince signaled to the waiter to open the doors, and a fully grown male lion padded into the room, pausing to yawn and shake its mane.

  Rick and Cady sat with their mouths hanging open, much like mine, as Vince walked over and gave the creature a big hug, stroking his fur and speaking to him in a low voice. Then he turned back to the top table.

  “Rick, mate! I couldn’t let this momentous occasion pass without inviting all your stag night buddies. Meet, Jabari, everybody!”

  I wasn’t the only one who nearly peed their pants when the lion let out a roar that shook the panes of glass in the windows. The wedding guests nearest were falling out of their chairs to get away from the enormous wild animal, but Vince just kneeled down and put his face against the thick fur, and I watched with amazement as the massive lion nuzzled him, buffeting Vince with his heavy head.

  Thankfully, the lion’s trainer appeared and led the beast away, but not before Vince had hand-fed him three cooked chicken legs.

  Vince walked back to his seat with a huge smile on his face.

  “As my gift to the beautiful couple, who, all jokes aside I love like family, the Canine Crusader has arranged for the award-winning Lion King musical team to perform a special song, We are One, in honour of Cady and Rick’s wedding.”

  Music poured out as singers and dancers from the famous Broadway show burst into the room, dazzling us with their voices, and everyone oohed and ah’ed at the surprise.

  Quietly, Vince sang along, and it felt like he was singing to me when he turned and smiled.

  “We are one, you and I

  We are like the earth and sky,

  One family under the sun…”

  Cady was singing along, too, gazing into Rick’s eyes, and I knew that she’d loved every minute of Vince’s crazy best man’s speech.

  When the singers and dancers took a bow and left the room to heartfelt applause, Vince rose to his feet once more.

  “I’m glad you enjoyed that, ladies and gents. Now, let’s all raise one more glass and toast to the beautiful couple, to Mr. and Mrs. Roberts!”

  He took a bow as everyone cheered and joined in the toast. Then he whispered to Rick, “I’ve gotta take a piss, mate,” and hurried off.

  Rick was speechless, but Cady just shrugged and smiled … right up until the moment when Vince tripped over the cable for the microphone, and fell face first into the chocolate fountain.

  There was a shocked silence as he emerged, dripping. My hands flew to my mouth and I held my breath. But Vince just wiped his face on a napkin, picked up the mike and said, “I guess I just joined the chocosexaholic club!”

  Everyone burst out laughing, clapping and cheering at a grinning Vince. He’d totally pulled it out of the bag when it mattered. I marveled again at his ability to bring triumph from disaster.

  He took another bow and left the room, presumably to wash off the chocolate that dripped from his face.

  I knew that I could never be like him: impulsive, disorganized, with a seat-of-my-pants attitude to life, but I envied him too, I really did. And somehow, some way, this complex clown, this warm-hearted jerk, this sensitive soul had staggered, tumbled, tripped and fallen into my life, and I was happier for it. The world was a better place because he was in it: the world according to Vince.

  As I pondered this imponderable revelation, he slid back into his seat, his face slightly pink, and his shirt damp.

  “I would have let you lick it off me,” he whispered, “but then I’d have wanted to get laid on the buffet, and Cady would have punched me in the nuts.”

  I laughed and shook my head. Just a little smudge marred his collar, but what’s a smudge of chocolate between friends?

  The speeches continued, and as Cady’s father spoke movingly about his daughter, I held hands with Vince, watching his face as he smiled, laughed, and nodded in appreciation for Sandy’s words.

  He was still crazy, he could still be annoying, he could still stumble into more disasters than anyone else in the history of the world, but he was real and he was loving, and after his trial was over, I hoped he’d be mine.

  Rick and Cady stood together and thanked Rabbi Lisa and all their guests, then the MC announced the father/daughter and mother/son dance.

  The beautiful lyrics of Carole King’s Child of Mine rang out from the band at the other end of the room.

  Fascinating Factoid: The most popular wedding song is Christina Perri’s ‘A Thousand Years’, bumping Elvis’ ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ off of the top spot.

  My heart started to gallop as I realized that the maid of honor/best man dance came next, but we still hadn’t discussed what we were going to do. Well, I’d tried to discuss it with Vince, but each time he’d told me not to worry and that it would be easier than falling off a log. I did not want to fall in front of all these people. I tried not to panic even though I always planned things in advance. Always.

  But then Vince took my hand, squeezing it reassuringly, so I forced myself to focus on the dancers. Cady smiled lovingly at her father when his eyes became damp, and Rick held his tiny mother in his arms as she laughed softly at something he said. The two couples swayed to the music, and tears came to my eyes. I wasn’t the only one.

  “I’m nobody’s child,” Vince sighed as he watched our friends circle the room, Rick smiling down at his mom, and Cady leaning her head against her dad’s shoulder. “I haven’t been since Mum died last year.” Then he turned to look at me. “You’re lucky.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “I’m a very lucky woman,” and I hoped that my words conveyed several layers of meaning.

  Vince smiled sadly and turned his eyes back to the two couples on the dancefloor.

  “Fook me,” he sighed. “Half the guests are in tears. We’re really going to have to work to bring the fun back.”

  My eye twitched.

  “Are you going to tell me what you have in mind?” I asked nervously.

  He turned and grinned at me. “Nope!”

  “But Vince!” I gasped. “I’m not joking about—I really can’t dance!”

  He kissed my cheek, trying to soothe me. It wasn’t working.

  “It’ll be fine,” he said. “Just follow my lead.”

  “Please don’t humiliate me in front of all these people,” I whispered, with desperate tears pricking my eyes. “I couldn’t take it.”

  His expression softened. “Never, Gracie. I’d never do that to you. I promise it’ll be fine.”

  And that was going to have to be good enough because Rick and Cady were walking towards us expectantly.

  Vince led me onto the dancefloor as all eyes turned to us. Cold sweat broke out across my skin, and my face was frozen in a rictus grin of fear. Then Vince nodded at the band and took my right hand, pulling me in firmly so his arm was around my waist.

  “Smile,” he whispered against my cheek. “It’s going to be brilliant. Hold on tight!”

  I closed my eyes and licked my dry lips.

  “Okay,” I croaked as I clamped my left hand to his shoulder in a classic ballroom hold. “I trust you.”

  But then I nearly puked as the famous opening violin and accordion notes rang out for La Cumparista, ta-ram pam pam pa…

  “Let’s tango!” Vince grinned.

  He started to promenade me across the dancefloor in long, smooth steps
, dragging me with him, my stiff body working in my favor for once. As the music dipped and dived, ebbed and flowed, Vince matched it step for step. I shuffled along with him, doing my best not to tread on his toes: left foot, right foot, left foot right foot—I could do that. Was I dancing?

  We strode around with Vince dominating the room and me doing my best to keep up, but I didn’t look too awful. I didn’t fall, I didn’t trip, and you know what? I started to thoroughly enjoy myself. I was dancing!

  Vince dipped me low to the floor then pulled me up slowly, staring into my eyes with stark passion. Holy cow, it was hot on this dancefloor! Then he swooped past the chocolate fountain, dipped his finger into the flow of melted chocolate and offered it to me. My cheeks flaming, I sucked his finger into my mouth and watched his pupils dilate with desire.

  The wedding guests whistled and clapped and stamped their feet, and some smart alec plucked a red rose out of a vase and tossed it onto the dancefloor. Vince scooped it up and put it between his teeth, winking at the wedding guests who howled with laughter.

  And I understood—he’d rather play the clown and be laughed at than make me look like a fool.

  Another part of my heart tiptoed over to #TeamVince.

  We tangoed around that dancefloor as if we’d been doing it our whole lives, and when Vince threw his rose to Nana Dubicki, she nearly swooned. Of course, Grandma Callaghan looked madder than a box of snakes, so Vince stole another rose from a vase and presented it to her on bended knee as the music played its last notes.

  Honors even for the competitive grandmas.

  Honor preserved for me.

  I sat down with the biggest smile on my face.

  Cady leaned across the table and grabbed my hand.

  “Woah! What was that? You’ve been holding out, girl. You can dance!” She squeezed my fingers. “You looked amazing out there.”

  I beamed like the Montauk lighthouse.

  After that, all the guests poured onto the dancefloor, shimmying, shaking, twirling and even tangoing. Maybe we’d started a trend. Vince dragged me back onto the dancefloor, more willingly this time, and we shuffled and swayed to the music as my hands gripped the back of his neck and he rested his on my waist.