The Refuge

by Ann H. Gabhart

  “Nay, I saw her leave.”

  “And did not stop her.”

  “I could not.” I saw no reason to change my words.

  She wrapped her apron around her dress and tied it with angry tugs. She frowned at me as she stuffed her hair under her cap. I had not put on my cap as yet, so my red hair curled around my face. “I have always heard redheads could not be trusted.”

  It was so unlike Sister Helene to say such a thing that I could not help smiling. I turned to keep her from seeing my amusement. Amusement that quickly faded at the sight of the neck kerchief and bonnet left on Genna’s bed the same as Ellie had done. Two of my dear sisters gone and this other one angry with me. I looked back at Sister Helene. “I forgive you for your angry words.”

  Without warning, she put her hands over her face and burst into tears. “I am in need of forgiveness, for I have failed my sisters. Both have deserted the peace and joy of Shaker life to go to the world where sorrow and troubles surely await them.”

  Or love. But I did not say that aloud. Instead I put my arms around her. “You did your best to show us the good of life here at Harmony Hill. With love.”

  “But I failed.”

  “Nay, love never fails. They simply chose a different path.”

  She leaned back and looked at me, her eyes awash with tears. “And you, Sister Darcie? Will you choose a different path?”

  “Not today.”

  “But someday?”

  I searched for words that would not upset her, but I knew none. “I do not want to be parted from my Anna Grace, as the custom is here in your village to separate mother and child.”

  “But you won’t be separated from her. She will be here and you will be here. Sisters as it would be in heaven.”

  “I am not yet in heaven. I am Anna Grace’s mother. Not her sister.”

  She shook her head at me. “You still have much to learn about the good of the Shaker life.”

  “Yea, I suppose I do.”

  She wiped her tears away with her handkerchief. “I must go tell Eldress Maria. She will need to hear your confession.”

  “So be it.” I turned to finish straightening my bed.

  When the door opened quietly behind me a half hour later, I had the room clean and was merely going through the motions of checking corners for dust. Dirt had little chance in this Shaker village with so many hands ready to chase it away. The wrongs they might think lurked in the corners of my heart were harder to sweep away.

  I turned to face Eldress Maria. I saw no anger on her face, merely resignation. As was her usual way in the morning, she reached down to pluck up Anna Grace. My little charmer brightened the room with her welcoming smile.

  The eldress sat in the rocking chair and waved me to sit on the nearest bed, which happened to be Sister Genna’s. I scooted aside the neck kerchief I had not yet folded away, sat down, and waited for whatever might come next.

  She rocked Anna Grace and let her play with her fingers without speaking for a span of minutes. Finally she looked over at me. “It has been sweet having the babies here in this house where they are not commonly allowed.”

  I did not like the way she spoke, as though that sweetness was in the past, but I kept quiet. I had grown fond of Eldress Maria in spite of our prickly start together. Her love for Anna Grace had softened my heart toward her.

  “Perhaps I was wrong to allow you and the babies to stay here as Sister Lettie advised. She has always been one to look at the rules a bit differently.” She lifted Anna Grace up and let the baby pat her cheeks. “Not that she was not right about it being better for the babies. This one has proven that with her many smiles.”

  I sensed she wasn’t ready yet for me to speak. So I merely smiled even if my heart was far from cheerful.

  She sighed. “Yea, better for the babies, but perhaps not better for you sisters. It kept thoughts of the world too strongly in your minds. First Sister Ellie, who had been with us for years, deserted the way.”

  It was the first time I’d heard her say Ellie’s name since she left.

  “And now this other one stole away in the night and took that poor little baby boy with her.” Eldress Maria’s wrinkles deepened with sadness. “I can’t imagine what she was thinking with no way to feed the poor babe.” She put Anna Grace down on the floor and stared across at me. “I can’t imagine what you were thinking to let her take him.”

  “I told her not to.” I met the woman’s gaze.

  “But you did not stop her.”

  “Nay, I did not.” I looked down at my hands folded in my lap.

  “I know you cared for the infant. Do you not fear he will die from hunger without you to nurse him?”

  “He has been eating gruel and applesauce.”

  Again she sighed. “You let your love for your former sister cloud your judgment.”

  “It is not wrong to love one’s sisters.” I raised my eyes to look at her again. Anna Grace sat on the floor between us, sucking on her fingers.

  “Nay. But it is wrong to encourage one’s sisters in sinful actions.” She peered over at me. “That is not a proper way to show love.”

  “If I have done wrong, I ask forgiveness. I lacked wisdom for any other way.”

  “That is why you should have awakened me.”

  “Yea.” I looked down again. I did not want her to see my stubborn resistance to her words.

  She stood, stepped around Anna Grace, and came over to lay her hand on my head with gentleness. “I do forgive you, Sister Darcie. However, I fear the Ministry will not look favorably on this situation. You best prepare yourself.”

  I looked up at her. “For what?”

  “I cannot say, for I do not know what will be decided. They will inform me of any changes they deem necessary.” Her shoulders drooped. “We will have to do whatever they say. It could not be to your liking.” She dropped her hand away from my head and let her gaze go to Anna Grace. “Or mine. I am sorry.”

  “How long do I have . . .” I hesitated, then used her words. “To prepare myself?”

  “That too is up to the Ministry.”

  I did not question her more, for I could see she was as concerned as I. Perhaps more than I, since she knew past decisions the Ministry may have made, while I knew nothing about them. They did not mingle with the rest of the Shakers. That was so their decisions could be fair and not biased by close ties to others in the village. Or so Sister Helene had told me.

  But what they considered fair and what I might wish could be poles apart. It was time, indeed, to do as Eldress Maria said and prepare myself. Not for the Ministry’s decision, but for what I planned to do. I did not want to be like Genna and too discouraged to pray, but my spirits were low as I carried Anna Grace down the hallway to clean another of the retiring rooms that were part of my morning duties.

  As I made the beds and swept the floor, Granny Hatchell again came to mind. She had always been sure of the Lord’s love and care no matter what happened to her, even when Pap Hatchell died.

  I remembered her words to me then as we faced an uncertain future. “The good Lord knows the way ahead even if we can’t see it now. All he expects of us is to take that first step down the road in faith. We don’t need to know the end of the road. Just the beginning.”

  “But I don’t even know which road to step out on,” I whispered.

  Then as though Genna still stood beside me, I heard her voice in my head. “Only one road leads out of the village.”

  I looked over at Anna Grace trying to pull herself up to the low windowsill. She fell back on her bottom but didn’t cry. She scooted nearer the window and reached to try yet again. Again she fell back, but the third time she tried, she made it to a wobbly stand and squealed with delight at being able to see out the window.

  If I stayed here, they would take Anna Grace from me, but I would know she was fed and cared for. If I stepped out on that road to leave this place, I had no idea where we could go or what we would eat. I had no
money. What little we had when we came to the Shakers last year was given over to them.

  Then I remembered, as though someone put the thought in my mind, the Shakers had promised to return whatever we brought with us should we decide to leave as, of course, we had planned to do. Ellie had not taken anything away with her because her husband stayed among the Shakers. Genna would have had nothing as valuable to her as the baby she spirited away in the night. We, Walter and I, had a few coins and a horse.

  I might have no choice but to leave Walter here in their graveyard, but I did not have to leave his horse. I could sell Sawyer and use that money to set up a seamstress shop or, failing that, perhaps get by until I could find a position as a housekeeper. It was a first step, but a shaky one.

  Mona was waiting for me when I carried Anna Grace outside to go to the morning meal. She jumped up to help carry one of the babies. When she saw only Anna Grace in my arms, she peered behind me almost as though she expected Benjamin to be toddling along after me.

  “Where is Baby Benjamin?”

  “Sister Genna left in the night and took him with her.”

  “Oh. Then that is why you have red blotches on your face. You’ve been crying.”

  “I am sad. I love Baby Benjamin.”

  “Yea, I am sad too. Even if he did cry all the time.” Her brow wrinkled as she turned to me. “Do you think he will be all right?”

  “I pray so.” After I fastened the straps around Anna Grace in the wagon, I looked over at Mona. “We can pray for that right now.”

  She frowned a little. “My head is cluttered with prayers. For Leatrice. For you. Now for Baby Benjamin.”

  “Nay, Sister Mona. Prayers don’t stay in your head. You send them to the Lord.”

  “Oh.” She threw up her hands then, as though pitching them heavenward.

  She pushed the wagon while I walked beside her, my arms achingly empty. “You won’t need to come at noon. I can bring Anna Grace without help.”

  She gave me a stricken look. “You do not want me to come?”

  “I didn’t say that. I like having you with me, but Sister Tansy will no longer think it needed.”

  “I don’t care what they say. I do what I want.” She lifted her chin and looked ahead. “Do not think you can get rid of me that easily.”

  “I don’t want to be rid of you, Mona.”

  “Ever?” She slowed her step and looked around at me.

  “Ever. But sometimes things happen that we cannot control.” I touched her shoulder.

  She didn’t jerk away from me as she would have just weeks ago. “Like that sister taking Baby Benjamin.”

  “Yea. Like that.”

  She peered up at me as though trying to read my thoughts. “Will you leave in the middle of the night?”

  “Nay. I have no reason to sneak away. I can walk away.”

  “But you said you have nowhere to go.”

  “That is true, but I may have to trust my uncertain future to the Lord’s providence. If they say I can no longer care for Anna Grace.”

  She was quiet for a moment as she pushed Anna Grace. Then she said, “If you leave, I am going with you.”

  I didn’t say she couldn’t. I was already awash in a sea of uncertainty about what might happen next. Instead I pushed a different truth toward her. “They will not let you go with me.”

  “I told you I do what I want.” She spoke with sure determination, as again she lifted her chin defiantly.

  34

  I spent the day trying to chase away my worry with prayer, but the worry would not be put to rest. I had little hope the Ministry would allow Anna Grace to stay with me in the Gathering Family House.

  That afternoon when Mona came before the evening meal, she grabbed me in a hug. I was almost too stunned to hug her back. “Worry not, Sister Darcie. We will figure out what to do.”

  She was just a child, but even so, her confident words bolstered my courage. “With a strong girl like you helping me, that may be true.”

  She pulled Anna Grace’s wagon around in front of the steps. “I am strong.” She stood a little taller while I fastened Anna Grace in her seat. “That’s good, isn’t it?”

  “Yea, very good.” I straightened up and smiled at her. “Strong in body and strong in mind.” I felt neither, as my unknown future sat heavy on my shoulders and my mind was weary of looking for a way and seeing none.

  You lack faith, child. Faith means believing what cannot be seen. Granny Hatchell’s words came to me. Did Ruth know how Naomi would find food when they made the journey back to her homeland of Judah?

  The story of Naomi and Ruth was one of Granny Hatchell’s favorites. Perhaps because I had chosen to stay with her instead of going with my father to Ohio. Should I go to Ohio now? That was truly desperation thinking. I had no idea where in Ohio my father had settled or even if he had settled. He and my brothers could be in California by now, drawn there by the prospect of finding gold.

  Heading to Ohio didn’t sound like a first step of faith, but rather foolishness. Almost as foolish as looking to a child of ten for answers, but she did seem anxious to tell me something.

  “What do we need to figure out, Sister Mona?”

  “Much, I would think.” She began to slowly push Anna Grace down the walkway. “I kept my eyes and ears open today. The old sisters moved beds around in the little children’s retiring room.”

  “They could have been cleaning.” I don’t know why I kept hoping for a different way here in the village.

  “Nay. I overheard Sister Corinne say at least Benjamin wouldn’t be coming to keep everybody awake with his squalling.” Sister Mona scowled. “I don’t like Sister Corinne.” Then she looked cheerful again. “But that’s all right because she doesn’t like me either. Back in the spring, I heard her tell Sister Tansy she wished I’d run away. I didn’t, just to spite her.”

  “Sister Tansy doesn’t want you to run away.”

  “Maybe not, but I doubt she’d cry if my bed was empty come morning.”

  “You’re too young to run away.”

  “I can take care of myself.” The chin went up again. Then she was peeking around at me once more. “But you’re old enough to run away. I could go with you to help with Anna Grace.”

  “I’m not going to run away.”

  “But what about Anna Grace and them moving her to the Children’s House. You know that’s what they’re going to do.”

  “I didn’t say I wasn’t going to leave, but I don’t have to run away. I can walk away.”

  “Oh.” Sister Mona was silent for a moment. “Then I can walk away with you.”

  “I don’t think they will let you.” In fact, I was sure they wouldn’t let her, and tears filled my eyes. I didn’t know when I’d gotten so weepy.

  “You cry as much as Baby Benjamin.” Mona frowned at me.

  “I do.” I swiped away the tears. “Tell you what. If they will let you, you can come and starve with Anna Grace and me.”

  “We won’t starve.” She actually smiled. “Didn’t you pray?”

  I nodded.

  “Then you have to believe.” She sounded very sure as she turned to look back down the walkway. “We won’t starve.”

  I didn’t say anything more. I’d already tried to push the truth toward her, but she refused to listen. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps the Lord would answer our prayers, although I knew not how.

  Eldress Maria was waiting for me when I went back to my room with the news I already knew from Mona. Her lips trembled as she told me what the Ministry had decreed.

  “I am sorry, Sister Darcie. We are to move Anna Grace tomorrow. You will be allowed to go at assigned times to nurse her, but since she is old enough to sleep through the night, you will not stay with her. Those sisters assigned to the Children’s House will care for her.”

  She pressed her lips together and swallowed hard as she looked down at Anna Grace, who had crawled over to pull at her skirt. She could not resist the baby’s
smile and leaned down to pick her up. “You know this is not what I wish any more than it is what you want.”

  “I know. You have been like a grandmother to my Anna Grace.”

  “Nay,” she said softly even as she hugged the baby close. “A sister. Always a sister.”

  “Then a loving sister.” I smiled.

  Her forehead wrinkled with a puzzled look. “You don’t appear to be very upset, Sister.”

  “I was prepared after your warning this morning.” I didn’t mention Sister Mona. “I hope you aren’t in trouble for allowing the babies to stay here until now.”

  “I confessed my faulty thinking and was forgiven. I will continue my duty here in our Gathering Family. You must move to a different room and allow Sister Helene new sisters to guide in the Shaker way.”

  “I will always remember dear Sister Helene with fondness.”

  Eldress Maria’s eyes sharpened on me. “You will still be together in our family.”

  “I appreciate all you have done for me and for Anna Grace. I don’t know what I would have done without your help after Walter was killed, but I won’t give up Anna Grace. We will leave tomorrow.”

  Her arms tightened around Anna Grace as she stared at me. “Where will you go?”

  “I do not know.”

  Eldress Maria frowned. “Surely it would be better to stay here where your child has shelter and food and loving caretakers.”

  “But you won’t let me be that caretaker. Well, you might, but others whose rules must be followed will not. When Walter and I came into the village, we were told we could take away whatever we brought with us if we left. We had only a little money, but we did have Walter’s horse, Sawyer, and his saddle. He also had a rifle. I had my Granny Hatchell’s Bible and Anna Grace growing inside me. So tomorrow I will collect those few things and go out to find a new place.”

  “But you may go hungry.” She looked truly worried.

  “Do you believe in prayer, Eldress?”

  “What a question! Of course I believe in prayer. We here at Harmony Hill pray many times a day.”

  “Yea, it is easy to silently send up prayers. The hard part is believing those prayers will be answered. I have been praying for months for a way to leave here before I was separated from Anna Grace.”